>"Artemis's lover"
>by
>Oscar allias"Artemis's lover"

Crow: Oh man, it's another self-insertion fic. Geez....
Joel: Come on Crow, don't be a grouch.
Tom: Zing!

>E-mail= oscaralfonso@hotmail.com

Tom: It's the fonso!
Crow: Ayyyyyyyy....this fic bites!

>Author notes:
>Hi, i'm Oscar, i'm 13 years old,

Joel: And already writing lemons. Way to go!

>and this is my little white companion, Artemis. Anyway Artemis & i, are much more than just amaster and a pet , its more like a human-cat relation.

Crow: He's one of the cat people! Run for your nine lives!
Tom: Lion-O?

>Cuz when i'm home alone....well....i...him...we...well "have sex"
>actually we just masturbate each other.

Crow: @ _ @ (Crow faints)
Tom: ARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!! (Tom's head explodes with a flash of pyrotechnics and a shower of sparks)
Joel: Guys! Snap out of it! We can't abandon the reader now! He'll be all alone with this fanfic! It's too cruel!
(Long pause)
Joel: Guys, if you don't get a hold of yourselves, we'll just have to read another bad SM lemon in the future! It's only a matter of time....
Crow: (Gets up from the floor) Oh all right, but any more bestiality and I'm going to puke my socks up!
Tom: (his head blackened with soot) You owe us BIG TIME for this one, Joel....
Joel: Hey I didn't know! Blame Dr. F! Better yet, blame Oscar....

>But it's amazing, it's like this cat can talk!, he comes every night to my bedroom door, and starts meowing, until i let him in, and when he does, he starts meowing a little softer and purrs, shall we say "erotically". Until i get with him on the bed and goes down my crotch trying to shred my underwear!.

Crow: Mpph! (Crow covers his mouth and turns an even deeper green.)
Joel: Don't do it Crow! Chew it back! Chew it back!
Tom: (chanting) There's no place like home....There's no place like home....

>Unbelivable, but true, that's why i called him Artemis.

Crow: This guy should be on Oprah....
Tom: "Horny underaged lemon writers and the felines who love them." on the next Geraldo....

>Intro: "Hi, i'm Oscar". "And i'm Artemis, Minako's ex-white cat"..."

Crow: And I'm an airsick bag, excuse me Joel.... (Crow rushes off and pukes all over the floor)
Tom: So Artemis dyed his fur then?

>we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with each other, and well how we lost our virginity. Oscar's an Hermaphrodite, i.e.=a boy that has a dick and pussy (with clit and everything) at the same time!!imagen that!"

Tom: We know what a hermaphrodite is. Don't insult our intelligence.
Crow: Too late.
Joel: (singing) Imagine all the people....
Tom: And a 13 year old wrote this thing?!?
Crow: I'm against censorship but in this case I make an exception.
Tom: Then you're for censorship aren't you?
Crow: Bite me!

>"HEY!!!SHUT THE FUCK UP ARTEMIS!!" "Oops!sorry, Oscar"
>"Well, nevermind Artemis,soooo let's get on with the show!"

Crow: Oh lord, that was just the prologue?!?
Tom: I never thought I'd say this....But Dr. Forrester may have finally found the fanfic that breaks our spirits....
Joel: Don't talk like that! We survived countless bad movies and other fanfics, we can survive this....

>Artemis's lover:
>The day was unusually fresh, for being June/2/97 ,

Tom: The cheese factories having been closed down and all skunks ejected from the premises....
Crow: (sniffs) Ahh, June....A very good month....
Joel: Wait a minute....It's still May! This fanfic is from the future sent a week into the past!
Tom: Say, maybe if we spread the word around now, we can prevent it from ever being written!
Joel: No guys, we can't interfere with the space time continuum or it could lead to a paradox.
Tom: Says who?
Joel: "Back to the Future" and umpteen billion Star Trek fics.
Tom: Oh.

>Oscar was walking on a lonely street,

Joel: He get the funniest looks from everyone he meets.

>only with a Sprite bottle, and a WWF magazine.

Tom: Oh, I'll bet he's a huge fan of wildlife....
Crow: Either that or he's hot for Shawn Michaels....
Joel: Product placements in movies were bad enough....

>His toughts were racing on why he was so depress,

Joel: I tought I thaw a putty tat!

>he had always spyed on the sailor scouts, ever since luna caught up with Usagi,

Tom: (imitating an evil Luna) Now I have you my pretty!
Crow: I spy with my little eye....Short sailor skirts and cleavage aplenty....
Joel: Crow....

>but most of all, when Artemis joined the group. He always tought "Why am i obsesed with that cat?" he than realized he had a crush on Artemis!! , even tough he was a boy, even tough Artemis was a cat.

Joel: And together the tough guys with tough love went to Las Vegas to win the tough man competition but lost in the preliminaries....
Crow: Tough luck.
Tom: Refresh my memory Joel. Did the author say he was 13 or 3?
Crow: We don't even need to make jokes, this fanfic is a barrel of laughs in itself....

>But not an ordinary cat that is. He then squeezed the bottle so hard, it blew up, soaking his shirt, his pants, and his tennis.

Joel: Do you think the author did that for sprite?
Tom: Tell me, Crow, how's your tennis doing today?
Crow: (Jim Carrey impression) Aces, Tom!

>He was upset to know that he was in love with a cat! He knew were Minako lived, her adress, her phone number,

Crow: Her measurements?
Tom: Her turn-ons?
Joel: Guys....

>and her P.O.BOX.

Joel: Do you want to continue reading fanfics like this one?
Crow: If not, send cash or money order to P.O. BOX 3M TA3, Satellite of Love.
Tom: Please contribute. Our sanity depends on your generosity....

>He said to himself "I'll do it...but i'll probably hate myself in the morning" he ran to his house, ihis bedroom, and started to write a letter to Artemis, sending it to Minako's place.

All: (hum the theme to Melrose's Place)
Joel: Actually, I don't watch that show myself....
Crow: Sure, Joel.

>The next day, Minkao checked the mail and gasped when she saw an envelope that readed"To:Artemis From:.......".

All: (singing) Connect the dots....La la la la....

>She then yelled "Artemis!", Artemis still asleep, yawned and stretched the last bit of sleep from his beautyfull little body. "What is it Minako?" he asked,still asleep.

Crow: I thought he stretched the last bit of sleep from his....himself.
Tom: (singing) Beautiful Dreamer.....

>"Artemis, you have a letter!" said Minako,giving him the envelope.
>"WHAT!??"he gasped

All: SHE SAID YOU HAVE A LETTER!!!

>"How can someone know my name, and my hability to talk?"he said shreding-open he envelope,

Tom: Not to mention his inability to spell....

>and said to Minako"Minako-chan, could you leave me alone for a moment?". "Sure" replied Minako, stepping out of the bedroom.
>Artemis readed the letter that said:

Crow: Thank you for submitting your application to join the Samurai Pizza Cats. However, we regret to inform you that your resume does not suit our present needs. Sincerely, Polly Ester.

>"Dear Artemis:You don't know who i am, don't know what i am, don't know anything about me. But belive me......i know everything there's to know about you...

Joel: So he's on a need to know basis?
Tom: He said knowingly....
Crow: He's Nowhere Man!
Tom: This fanfic is going nowhere fast....

>i liked you since the moment i saw you. No one deserves you but me. Some day, some time,

All: (singing) There's a place for us....

>at the right moment, we'll meet.and i'll have you. Until then see ya!

All: (singing) Every step you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you....

>Artemis gulped hard, and shivered, thinking that i would kill him.

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