***

[AVATAR (BOY-TYPE) 01]

Our first specimen of male self-insertion comes courtesy of a wheelchair-bound avatar known as "Tuxedo" Chris Caldwell, who's taken his cues from those wacky polygamists.


>Sailor Moon and the Scouts meet Chris by Chris Caldwell
>
>This story happens before we know each other. This is how we
>met. This is how we feel in love. This is Sailor Moon and the
>Scouts meet Chris...

Commendable - to be fair, Tuxedo Chris is being honest about how he equates groping with love. Don't all avatars? For that matter, don't all males?

Mistake #1 - Never let Setsuna and her somewhat skewed perspective on time edit the grammar in your fic. A story about you falling in love before you've even met the person makes about as much sense as a naughty tentacle monster on Sesame Street.


>This story happens after the 200th episode, I mean right after
>it, the day after...
>
>Starring the voices of the NA Sailor Moon Cast...

Commendable - since this is after Sailorstars, the readers don't have to be further tortured by the likes of the pink- haired creature known as Cthulhu--er, Chibiusa. Likewise, we are all spared the cruelty of having to witness another gender-bending transformation courtesy of those icky transsexual Sailor wanna-be Starlights.

Mistake #2 - the sad truth is that even avatars will eventually succumb to the maddening accents and inane stop-go dialogue of the dub cast. If an avatar wishes to indulge in fantasies with the girl(s) of their dreams, it's a good idea to make sure you won't strangle said girl of your dreams by the second date--or the first date if we're again talking the VA for Serena used in the S and SuperS dubs.

***


>Serena couldn't watch [Darien go]. She was so heartbroken
>again. She didn't know what to do. Returning back to the
>temple where Raye, Mina, Lita and Amy waited, she was full of
>thought.
>
>Before she could utter another crying word, Amy
>said..."Serena, we have a surprise for you. We're going to
>America, too. Actually, Viriginia and Rockbridge County to be
>exact!"

Commendable - already, Tuxedo Chris is off to a good start. Having eliminated the Yamhead and the Starlights from the cast list, he's gone one step further and taken Mamo-chump out of the picture. With all the males and 'are they really human?' characters gone, this paves the way for yuri!

Mistake #3 - technically, their conversation should have been as follows:

Serena: "Gee, we've defeated Galaxia and saved the Earth, and my boyfriend's gone. What are we going to do now?"

Scouts: ^-^ "We're going to Di$neyland!"


>(ed's note: I live in Natural Bridge, VA, and RC is about 30
>miles away from me so I bet you can guess what's going to
>happen next)

Mistake #4 - this is a self-insertion fanfic. A spoiler like this was made a very moot point right after the title. People don't like redundant avatars who always repeat the same things.

***


>Chris was one of the members of his drama class to be waiting
>on the Scouts.

Mistake #5 - avatars are meant to be gods, not the footstools. Chris' glaring mistake here is that he was waiting on the Scouts, and not the other way around. For that matter, they should have been waiting on him with grapes, sticks of Pocky and Vandread fansubs.

***


>We all had made signs so they would know that we were the
>ones. "Over there, it's them! " Chris screamed with delight.

Commendable - although it never made the final cut into the fic, it should be noted that Tuxedo Chris' sign read: 'Kiss the Kami-sama.' Having a sense of humour to go with your Raging Ego always makes for a great combination.

Mistake #6 - I see Tuxedo Chris is *still* letting Setsuna edit his tenses...not to mention his 1st person narration.

***


>Amy continued, "We've been e-mailing for over a year now and
>Chris has wanted to meet us and he also wanted us to meet his
>friends."

Commendable - odds are Tuxedo Chris was telepathic (how else could he have gotten Amy's Email address?), but he cleverly covered that up by using the Internet. If your omnipotence comes on too strong at the beginning, the readers--er, Scouts, might back away and never want to see you again.

Mistake #7 - horrors! There's more than one potential avatar in this fic, since Tuxedo Chris brought along his friends! God complexes never play well together. In the future, Tuxedo Chris should make sure he's the only focus in a fanfic, lest those other avatars try to hog the spotlight.

***


>Then, since each of them needed a place to stay, Chris's
>fellow classmates decided who would stay where. Serena would
>stay with Molly, Lita would stay with Brooke, Amy would stay
>with Jesse, Mina would stay with Ann, and Raye would stay with
>Sarah.

Mistake #8 - you're an avatar, you dolt! You mansion has more than enough guest rooms for the ladies. Then again...not having enough guest rooms means they'll all have to share your bedroom--while you're in it! Ecchi, romantic hijinks ensue!

***


>"I knew it," Luna said finally.
>
>"What?" All the scouts gasped.
>
>"Chris is someone very important to the Moon Kingdom."
>
>Mina, Raye, and Serena got this shock of extreme pain.

Commendable - obviously Mina, Raye and Serena were all suddenly overcome by the radiant glory of all that was the self- inserted manliness of Tuxedo Chris. If you can't exude this sort of magnificence, then you'll never make it as an avatar.

Mistake #9 - being a reincarnated guy (or gal) from the Moon Kingdom is more troublesome than you'd think. What if it's the middle of the night, you've got to hit the little avatar's room, and suddenly you get a memory flashback where the mental map of your house is replaced with a mental map of the palace? Needless to say, things get...er...messy, and your cool-o- meter drops down a notch. Best to have lived a different sort of past life, like being Hotaru's nanny or Makoto's favourite pillow.

***


>You see, before the Moon Kingdom was attacked, Chris was able
>to walk and everything he wishes to do now and he was in love
>with Serena, Mina, and Raye, and they, in turn, were in love
>with him, but Queen Serenity knew Chris wasn't as strong as
>Prince Darien, so she wanted Darien and Serena together.

Commendable - note how Tuxedo Chris has such potent animal magnetism that three of the Inner Senshi--er, Scouts (argh!) fell for him all at once. Granted, he wasn't able to attract them all, but it's a good try since this was his first time as acting god.

Mistake #10 - how dare he let that Mamo-chump show him up in a past life! Come on, Tuxedo Chris, are you a deity or are you a lifeless dork? Wait, don't answer that....

***


>Luna continued, "You [three] were to marry him, while Mercury
>and Jupiter protected you, but it was not to be.

Mistake #11 - woah! Hold the phone! Marriage?! No self- respecting male avatar would thoughtlessly throw away their carefree bachelor existence like that. if you get married, you no longer remain the god. She assumes that role--and in this case 'she' entails Raye, Mina and Serena. No wonder Tuxedo Chris never wrote a sequel: they put the smackdown on him right after the exchange of vows, and he's been puppywhipped ever since.

***


>"What did I do know?" Chris asked.

Mistake #12 - someone get Setsuna away from the keyboard already.

***


>"Don't you have Nega-villians to fight in Japan?" Chris asked,
>pondering.
>
>"No, they're all gone, and that's why we're here!" Sailor
>Mercury replied.

Mistake #13 - a lack of villains means a lack of ass to kick. How can any avatar look cool if they are a loss for ass- kicking? Villains may seem cliche, but hey, everyone needs a good punching bag. You as an avatar need to assert your power somehow.

***


>"We've told our friends, Brooke, Sarah, Jesse, Molly and Ann
>our true secret and they have aggreed not to say anything
>about us,"Raye said, "and since we're all here to protect you,
>we have asked Luna to give our powers to our new friends so
>that we may live and have a peaceful live with you..."

Commendable - living with 5 cute, nubile Anime babes. What's not to like about this arrangement? This is what being an avatar is all about, and Tuxedo Chris shows how well he understands this.

Mistake #14 - as mentioned before, a fic can quickly degenerate into a godplaying melee if there are too many avatars and not enough Bambi-eyed Sailor groupies. Making your self-inserted buddies as soldiers for love & justice is just asking for trouble, as they will not doubt try to upstage you in later chapters or sequel fics.

***


>"But don't we need someone to protect us?" Ann asked.
>
>"You already have him, " Lita answered.
>
>"It's me," Chris said. "I'm Tuxedo Chris, even though I
>haven't worn or will wear a tuxedo."

Commendable - fighting evil in a tuxedo only works for James Bond or Lupin III...mainly because their tuxedos come with exploding missiles and grappling hooks. Tuxedo Chris is only that in name alone, and thus ensures he will not get mistaken for a Mamo-chump wanna-be.

Mistake #14 - the fishnet stockings he chose to wear in favour over a tuxedo clash with his choice of lipstick. Avatars should always be fashion-friendly, especially since magical villains are obviously not.

***

[AVATAR (BOY-TYPE) 02]

Our next self-inserted male specimen is known as Mike 'godboy' Franklin. Now we can already see he has learned what it means to be an avatar with the 'godboy' nickname. Here are some excerpts from his fanfic "Sailor Moon: Part 1".


>I would usually title all my stories, but I don't remember the
>title actually given to this one. When you read along, you'll
>figure out what episode it is of.

Commendation - honesty is the best policy. Not only does he admit to being a 'godboy', he tells us he hasn't bothered to research the title for this fic, which is based on an actual SM 1st season episode. He's not going to pretend this character isn't him. In fact, he's openly flaunting it! Way to be confident in yourself!

Mistake #1 - by the same token, all fanfics should have a catchy title that strings together a lot of cool-sounding words that, when combined, sound kinda Zen but don't make a lot of sense. For example, he could have entitled this: Deep Sailor Planet Henshin Future Action!!!

***


>Sailor Moon
>Ranger Saturn

Mistake #2 - if you are not Chuck Norris or based in Texas, being a Ranger lacks that same ass-kicking edge. In fact, it kinda gives one the impression of an avatar dressed up in khaki green shorts and a Tshirt, who sits in a forest outpost all day long. Who can take any self-inserted god seriously when they're dressed like that?

***


>Amy smiled to him. "Hello Mr. Baxter. How are you doing
>today?"
>
>Mr. Baxter removed his cap. "Pretty well, considering."
>
>She smiled again. "Serena, Rei, I'd like you to meet Mr.
>Baxter. He's the gardener here at the park."
>
>"Well, I'm soon not going to be, Amy."
>
>She looked at him with puzzlement. "What do you mean?"
>
>"There's a new commercial estates development coming through
>here. They're going to build a mini-mall on top of this land,
>so enjoy it while you can."
>
>"They can't do that!" Rei said angrily.
>
>Another male appeared behind Mr. Baxter. He was much younger
>than he, just about their age. All the girls were speechless.

Commendable - the girls were speechless because godboy was able to properly project his stunning beauty and superiority. As said with Tuxedo Chris, if an avatar can't do this, then they don't deserve to be an avatar.

Mistake #3 - omitting the error of using the dub, look at all those paragraphs we had to suffer through in order to finally reach godboy's grand appearance! The readers were in the throes of godboy withdrawal by then. If you want to captivate any reader with your self-inserted brilliance, you need to jump into the story sooner. Who cares about all that story build-up and plot exposition?

***


>The girls were still speechless as the teen handed Mr. Baxter
>a couple of pots of flowers. He smiled to them, noticing their
>silence. "Hi, I'm Mike Matthews," he said as he extended his
>hand toward them. "I had to help out here with Mr. Baxter
>'cause my mom suckered me into it. It's really nice though."

Commendable - here we see the caring, softer side of Sears--er, godboy. Now this is an excellent tactic: sucker the ladies in by acting all noble and virtuous. They'll be unable to resist your wily avatarish charms.

Mistake #4 - following up the philanthropist routine with a "mom made me do it." Nothing turns a girl off like learning that an avatar *still* lives with his mother. More than that, he inserted his mother into the fanfic so he could live with her.

***


>"Amy?" Rei asked her other friend, tapping her on the
>shoulder. "Are you listening to me?"
>
>Amy blinked her eyes and then shook her head quickly. "Yes..I
>am..It's just..he's.." Amy shook her head again. "Nothing. I'm
>fine."
>
>Quickly, she walked away from her friends, not waiting. Serena
>looked at Rei. "I saw the way you looked at him!"

Commendable - even though indications are that Amy will become godboy's main squeezetoy, we can see here that all the ladies present in the scene are infatuated with him. You have to love an avatar who can accomplish that after only a few lines of pointless dialogue.

Mistake #5 - having them fight over him like they've become Ryoko and Ayeka. Such triangles are tedious and become boring very quickly. Instead, Serena, Rei and Amy should be devising a time-share table, where each of them are slotted for an hour or two alone with godboy. After all, an avatar has a responsibility to treat all of his babes right!

***


>A monster, seemingly made completely of plant material, stood
>over the prone body of Mr. Baxter! It held in its 'hands'
>strings of vine, holding tight three girls dressed in student
>type uniforms.
>
>"What's going on here?" Mike exclaimed, not understanding the
>situation.

Commendable - godboy demonstrates that an avatar must always be in control and never panic or freak out. When you panic, you get reduced to Victim A-Type, and cease to be cool.

Mistake #6 - his response lacks panache. "What's going on here?" should be replaced with a devil-may-care attitude, a middle finger, and Hong kong-styled dialogue like, "I have been scared too shitless by monsters lately! Now, foul youma, I shall beat you out of recognisable shape!"

***


>The monster did not give up, firing more vine-like structures,
>wrapping the boy tight. [Godboy] grunted under the pressure of
>the strong organic material. He couldn't breathe. He heard
>someone call to him, then a black baton was pushed into one of
>his free hands.
>
>"Hold onto it and say 'Saturn Power'!" the voice told him.

Commendable - fighting is always a solution. If it's a 'happy resolution where both sides win' ending that you want, maybe violence isn't the way to go. But how else can an avatar prove they're cool? Ergo, fighting is the only solution (just so long as you win).

Mistake #7 - the last person to say 'Saturn Power' was Hotaru, and she wound up wearing a fuku and carrying a glaive. Now while the glaive may work for an avatar like godboy, the fuku on the other hand....

***


>Mike stood in the middle of the clearing dust, black cape
>flapping behind him. A cloth mask, also black, covered his
>face, bordered by a rigid black headress, crystal adorning the
>center forehead (Yup, also black). He had a shiny vest of
>solid chrome body armor, and cloth pants. He looked like an
>avenging shadow, angry for all the time it had been defeated
>by the overpowering light.

Commendable - with a primer paragraph like this, a cool ass- kicking scene is just around the corner. Godboy is about demonstrate his self-inserted superiority to the masses, as all avatars should do in the first chapter of any fanfic.

Mistake #8 - who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of avatars? The Shadow knows.... Um, sorry about that, wrong story. Anyhoo, dressing like a ninja who's poorly masquerading as a Renaissance knight just doesn't work. I'd recommend instead a wardrobe choice that makes an avatar look like Fabio, only less evil.

***


>"You did well, Mike. Welcome to the Sailor Scout team, Ranger
>Saturn."
>
>Mike looked around, not seeing the source of the voice. "Uhm..
>thanks..I..where are you?"
>
>"I'm right here." Mike looked down. A black cat sat at his
>feet, smiling at him gratefully.
>
>"A..a..cat. I must of hit myself on the head in that fight."

Mistake #9 - the Sailormoon universe has enough Mau cats, and adding one more to the mix will look too cliched. It's better for an avatar to have a more exotic, talking obligatory mascot. Such as a cockatrice or a basilisk.

***


>Mike smiled. "So let me get this right. I, when needed, can
>become a powerful magical being capable of a great source of
>energy used for the power of good. I've got a huge
>responsibility and could lose control at anytime, right?"

Commendable - magical zorching powers are always a plus. Think of the possibilities, especially if some jerk cuts you off while you're driving on the highway!

Mistake #10 - it's a common mistake for avatars to assume that they have to use their near-infinite powers solely for good. Villains always have derived so much entertainment over being evil, why should the avatar be left out of all that fun?

***

[AVATAR (BOY-TYPE...kinda) 03]

Our final self-inserted specimen of study is the somewhat infamous Oscar. Here we see his first prestigious work of fanfiction entitled "Artemis's Lover."


>"Artemis's lover"
>
>by Oscar allias"Artemis's lover"
>
>E-mail= oscaralfonso@hotmail.com

Mistake #1 - it's an Oscarfic. 'Nuff said. Plus, it looks as if ChibiChibi was left in charge of spellchecking. Avatars are supposed to look infalluble...er, infallible. You didn't see that.

***


>Hi, i'm Oscar, i'm 13 years old,
>
>and this is my little white companion, Artemis. Anyway Artemis
>& i, are much more than just amaster and a pet , its more like
>a human-cat relation.
>
>Cuz when i'm home alone....well....i...him...we...well "have
>sex" actually we just masturbate each other.

Mistake #2 - okay, this is the wrong kind of pussy a male avatar's supposed to be going after, and I do mean wrong in so many ways.

***


>we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with
>each other, and well how we lost our virginity. Oscar's an
>Hermaphrodite, i.e.=a boy that has a dick and pussy (with clit
>and everything) at the same time!!imagen that!"

Mistakes #3-7 - DON'T make me draw a picture for you, people. You should bloody well know what this avatar's problem is by now!

***

So, survived the gauntlet, have you? I hope that all of you reading this rant took excellent notes on how these avatars of the past succeeded and failed in being textual gods of their own design. To summarise....

Male avatars can and/or will:

- either retain the actual name of the author, or take some Japanese name the author thought sounded cool
- be a guardian, knight or some other pouf living by some old chivalric order
- wind up protecting (or stalking, whichever comes first) the Senshi the author is most attracted to
- eventually become the boyfriend of aforementioned Senshi
- subject you to their yawn-a-minute epic, filled with pointless battles but evidently no spellchecker.
- have large swords to make up for their lack of charming personality

Female avatars can and/or will:

- be Sailor Earth, Sailor Sun or Sailor insert-constellation-or-astrological-sign-name-here
- have more power than any of the Senshi, or all of them combined. The same deal can probably be said for breast size too.
- acquire a boyfriend (or else some cute guy dragged off the streets & brainwashed to be her soulmate)
- showcase perfection in academics, modeling and sports--but not in building models of clipper ships. No one can ever be perfect at model clipper ship building.
- own a wardrobe that must be described right down to the last stitch used for fastening the buttons on her blouse, which goes over the white chemise, and looks just so good with the blue pleated skirt and...you get the idea.

Almost all avatars can and/or will:

- make you want to kill yourself
- make you want to kill them
- make you want to kill their author

Thus ends the second part of this 3-part rant series. Until the final segment is unleashed, just remember: nothing says cool like an Asaba Sexy Self-Insertion Dance.




Part 3