THE SELF-INSERTED MENACE
Part 3: The Evil Avatar Lists
His lordship Chaos here again.
Well, since the Fic Bitch has still refused to give back those incriminating pictures, it appears that I am required to wrap up this trilogy of self-insertion rants after all.
Let's quickly review, shall we? In the first rant, I discussed the quirky nature of avatars, as well as some of the problems many avatars have in trying to integrate their godhood with the Sailormoon universe. In the second rant, I did a brief study of some avatars in their self-inserted environments, and analysed what they were doing right & what they could improve on.
The time has now come for me to unleash a definitive list of things I would do if I were an evil avatar. Which is, suffice to say, a guide on how to take almost every avatar cliche in the book and give just enough of a twist to ensure wild & widespread popularity.
Before I do that, the obligatory kudos segment needs to done. First and foremost, I'd like to thank Bitch-san for telling me just who gave her those incriminating photos of me. Said informant has already been quietly taken outside and thrown to the carnivorous cabbits.
Gratuitous thanks are also in order for a friend and fellow fanfic author (who also happens to have her own avatar), Greenbeans. Since I lack that pesky second X chromosome, she proved rather invaluable in helping me out with some of the finer points on how female avatars behave.
And as always how can I go on without taking time to thank my eternal partner in crime, Havoc.
Thus without further ado, but plenty of adon't, I present to you the evil avatar lists for both male and female, self- inserted deities.
THINGS I'D DO IF I WERE AN EVIL, SELF-INSERTED SM AVATAR (BOY-TYPE):
- I will not retain the (usually) English name of my North American author, since that's just too cliche and uncool. Instead, I will randomly pick some Japanese word which sounds cool, and use that for my name.
- Naturally because I'm so cool, all my clothes are cool. But unlike most avatars, I will not spend 15 boring paragraphs describing my clothes in every last infinitesimal detail. Instead I shall wear as little as possible so as to show off my toned physique, and fight for love and justice in the nude!
Corollary to #2: no male character in a magical girls show (or a fanfic for that matter) ever has a good transformation. All male transformations suck. All author avatar transformations suck even more. Ergo, fighting in the nude rids me of that pesky "quick, let's take 2 minutes to change into our fancy new battle uniforms!" bit.
- Mamoru will never have a rod borne of love bigger than mine.
- No matter how tempted I am, I will not show up to save the day in a mecha. Magical girls need magical guys, not crack mobile suit pilots--even if stomping on a youma gets the job done a lot faster.
- The acceptable age bracket for most male avatars is between 14-18 years of age, which coincides with the age limit allowed for kids to pilot mecha. Since I can't pilot a mecha in a magical girls series, I will defy modern convention and show up in the series as the new youthful student teacher (age 20-22). Schoolgirl crushes will abound, and readers never suspect the teacher as being a secret champion of love and justice.
Corollary to #5: conversely, it is ill-advised for any male avatar to sign on with a teaching job at a "private junior college" the Senshi might happen to be attending. While fanservice will run rampant in the hallways (much rejoicing!), odds are the locker rooms are unsafe, the science teacher's potted geraniums have really ecchi minds of their own, and the school nurse would steal all the cute girls from you. In short: job security's right out the window here, even for an avatar.
- I refuse to assume the self-inserted role of guardian, knight or some other pouf living by some old chivalric order. These guys always look silly and are way too common. To break with this sort of tradition, I shall be a former bad-ass gang leader like Great Teacher Onizuka. This 'GTO factor' also nicely coincides with the fact that I am currently a new teacher or student teacher at Jyuban.
- Male avatar-types always enjoy fighting with either magic attacks or bladed weapons like swords. Yet these prove tedious against youma, who can swat you aside as you try to hack away at them. I find it's better to speak softly and carry large-calibre firearms. Hey, if it works for John Woo movies, then it can work me too.
- I will have lived during the Silver Millennium, but preferably not as some royal prodigy or a secret lover of one (or more) of the Senshi. That sort of past-life relationship complicates things in the present, and we all know avatars can only hold a few choice thoughts in their heads. Namely thoughts about themselves. But I'm willing to bet the guy who trims those funny-looking hedge sculptures was revered to no end at the Moon Palace, so I'll take his job.
Corollary to #8: as I obviously had a glorious past life that did not include being a scullery maid or cleaning Mau cat litter boxes, I don't ever want to forget that sort of thing. But fact of the matter is that chicks go for the tormented loner bit, so I'll just feign amnesia for a while and let the Senshi fawn all over me & comfort me. That way I'm free to pretend to have the memories come back piecemeal, or all at once at the most dramatic moment possible. Whichever makes me look cooler.
- I will let myself to be captured by the enemy, get brainwashed and then be set loose against the women I love. Readers are always suckers for this sort of angst, and I can successfully pull off becoming a tragic figure. Plus I get to look cool being evil and dressing in long black robes. Besides, if you're a male hero in any magical girl universe, you're contractually obligated to at least one brainwashing session.
- Girls go for the nice guys, so I won't use any sort of profanities or vulgarities, dammit!
Corollary to #10: chicks dig L33TSP34|< too. W00T!
- I will not allow myself to get upstaged by any of the other characters, but equally I will not overdo it. Haruka and Michiru can have their still photos, their sakura blossoms and their accompanying choral voices. Me, I'll go with dancing penguins, dramatic slow walking, and my own techno-enhanced BGM. Nevermind that the fic's a text medium, and no one will hear the music. Such minor details are just that: minor.
- Sure I'm cool, but I'm not about to be perfect. Perfect people are boring and loathsome. It's better to be a brooding, virtual basketcase. That way when a Senshi wraps her arms around me to comfort me on countless occasions, I can nuzzle my face against her bosoms.
- I would never be a bestial hermaphrodite. That's wrong even for avatars.
- Simple math here: 9 Senshi = 1 harem! Why content yourself in going steady with just one girl, when you could have all of them? (Also known as the 'Tuxedo Chris Theorum')
- I am immune to the timestream. Therefore I will quietly bide my time until Chibiusa arrives from the future. Then I shall shoot her and dance on her body. On second thought, I'll dance on her body and then shoot her. I'll also shoot any rival self-inserted avatars who show up claiming to be Chibiusa's younger brother/sister from the future. Admit it, readers: you'd thank me if I did that.
- Obligatory cute Anime mascots are a must in magical girl shows, and Sailormoon has its talking cats. Now one would assume that an avatar would follow in suit with some cute feline mascot of their own. But not me. I'll cleverly have a mythology-based creature (ie, a Jabberwocky) as my trusted companion/personal mode of transportation. Not only does this sort of creature look really really cool, but the readers will give kudos to me for sounding so well-versed in literature. And if a Jabberwocky's docile enough, they're natural chick magnets. ^^v
- Readers like tension, and are always smug in knowing secrets which a fanfic's characters do not. Sure I'll know who the Senshi really are, and probably who the new villains are, but I'll feign ignorance since that's more fun...and it gives me more scenes in the story, featuring seemingly chance encounters with the Senshi's alter-ego's.
- I will be a bishounen (long-haired pretty boy), since all bishounen are cool. However, I will not be a teen idol or be in a pop band, since these sorts of nancy boys are never cool. But if it adds for comedic value, I will consider being bishounen to the point of being mistaken as a female. Readers are suckers for romantic and gender-mistaken hijinks, as Haruka has readily proved.
- Sure, the noble thing to do after fighting and defeating an enemy would be to show compassion & let him or her live. Noble upstanding girls like the Sailor Senshi go for that. So does the majority of fanfiction readers. And so no matter how enraged I am, I will refrain from delivering that killing blow against me nemesis. Then I shall turn my back and walk away, making me look cool...and also allowing a safe distance to be placed between me and the bomb I secretly planted in the villain's uniform.
That way, when s/he explodes, I can just shrug and say, "I let them live but they decided to destroy themselves instead." I still get the Senshi flocking to my heroicism, the readers applauding my nobility, and I get the satisfaction from kicking some ass too.
- I will not allow the author's personal, real-life friends to get self-inserted along with me into my fanfic. This is my world to exploit, they can go get their own!
- I will be able to go super-deformed (SD), where I am rendered into a kawaii, hyper-genki, half-sized version of myself. No Senshi and no reader can resist a kawaii chibi- avatar. Likewise, no fangirl can resist a character (avatar or otherwise) who has a cute set of fangs in their mouth.
- Readers like realism. Thusly I will not be stronger than all the Senshi combined, or have the ability to destroy an entire solar system. Just having enough power to destroy a single planet is more than enough to keep me entertained.
- It's always cool for an avatar to sacrifice his life to save the rest of the cast. Hey, I'm willing to do that, so long as I have a "continue?" option built into my fanfic that lets me magically resurrect, and grants my story a happy ending. No one can resist that joyous, tearful reunion schlock.
- A lot of male avatars like to make their first appearance in the middle of a battle or intervening in a fight against a gang of bullies. Either way, they misguidedly try to establish their characters as being bad-ass protectors with a heart of gold, and display their strength by effortlessly stopping the antagonists. I, however, would show up and then get beaten up by the antagonists...even if I could shatter their bodies with my just pinky toe. This makes me look cool to the people I protect, and it fools the readers into thinking I'm actually half-decent.
Corollary to #24: martial arts training is good and definitely a skill worth having, but I am not about to be superior and unrivaled with this skill. Getting knocked around & battered a bit can also be a rewarding albeit a painful experience. Senshi will coddle you to no end in the hope that you haven't been gravely injured. Nothing says "fanservice" like your head in any fuku-clad lady's bosoms or lap.
- And finally, to ensure my heightened popularity among the fanfic-reading masses, I will make a virgin sacrifice once a week to the all-powerful entity known as: my Raging Ego.
THINGS I'D DO IF I WERE AN EVIL, SELF-INSERTED SM AVATAR (GIRL-TYPE):
- Like my male avatar counterpart, using my own name blatantly reveals how I have too many fantasies and very little of a life. So I shall skim the nearest Japanese/English dictionary for any & all Japanese words that refer to cute, fluffy, girlish things or are related to my corresponding magical element. (ie. Yuki, Koneko, Hikari, Aho-chan)
- You ever notice now most female avatar pen names have at least 3 unrelated parts and no spacing between them? I will therefore not have a pen name like StarRabbitMoon, ChibiSnowSailor or GrasshopperKawaiiSoldier. Instead, I shall award myself with the pen name of She Who Must Be Worshiped.
- My first big entrance into the fic will not be saving the day in the middle of a battle against a new (or old) enemy. Similarly, being introduced as a new transfer student to Jyuban High is much too overdone...especially if I'm an exchange student from (usually) North America. I want the readers to empathise with me and feel that I'm a likeable, ordinary girl next door who's worth cheering for. So the Senshi's alter-egos will encounter me in a local park, playing with small puppies as I donate blood and petition to save a children's daycare centre from being turned into Bill Gate's newest overseas Microsoft HQ.
- The age bracket for female avatars generally falls into one of three categories: she is a kawaii younger sibling or surrogate younger sibling of one of the Senshi, or; she is a fellow schoolgirl/classmate who's the same age as the Senshi, or; she plays the Haruka butch-lesbian role. None of these are satisfactory to me, since people will recognise me as a blatant avatar. Instead I will ingeniously disguise myself and become a kawaii butch-lesbian who's in the same grade as the other Senshi but is much younger in age. In short: I'm a quirky prodigy, like Doogey Howser.
- Why bother going after the cute guys in the series, villainous or heroic, when there's so many cute girls? The yuri content increases the male readership numbers--and besides, in Anime rampant lesbianism needs no excuses. (This is known as the 'Rule 3' causal effect principle.)
- I will not be the twin of either a Senshi or a male avatar in the fic. I will also not be related to Usagi, be it in a past or present incarnation. The readers just wouldn't buy into that sort of plot contrivance. Instead, I will be a long-lost cousin (twice removed) of one of the Senshi. Probably Hotaru. Though if Setsuna's involved, I'd be an obvious love child between her and Dimando.
Corollary to #6: I will not be related to Mamoru in any way whatsoever. Even though he is romantic in the manga, and is drawn somewhat attractively, he proves to be absolutely useless in the Anime...unless you're looking for well-dressed cannon fodder. It's frightening to think I might share a few genetic sequences with him, which could unravel my avatarish godliness and reduce me to spouting bad lines. Or, even worse, having only a few brief cameos per fic!
- It's expected that any new girl introduced to the SM universe is also another Sailor Senshi. But there shall be no abusing astrology when it comes to naming my Senshi form (ie., Sailor Gemini or Sailor Aquarius Star). Therefore, to be totally original, I shall be...Sailor Toaster Oven!
Corollary to #7: I will not be a Sailor Earth. It never helps. Sure, the Earth hasn't been doing so hot since Mamoru became its guardian (notice how many invasions started up when he *became* Tuxedo Kamen), but I'm not about to go and replace him. Likewise, I will not be a Sailor Sun. The sun is a large, uninhabitable ball of fire. I don't think the minions of evil are going to try to subjugate it anytime soon.
- I will not be more powerful than Sailor Saturn, since it's rather redundant to have two Senshi who can destroy a planet when they're having a bad day. What are you going to do, kill the Earth twice? Instead, I shall have enough power to slice through buildings, and with just my hands physically stop any large projectile object from colliding with me. This gives me the chance to look cool on a normal day, and then look even cooler when I have a dramatic "power up to a new level" scene.
Corollary to #8: given how many times the Senshi get smacked around, it's better to have a rapid healing rate than raw physical power. Your long line of enemies will always be getting successively stronger than you, so why not annoy them by never taking on any lasting damage as they keep trying to fling you across the room?
- I would never be a bestial hermaphrodite. That's wrong, especially for female avatars.
- Yes, I'm so darn cool. Yes, I know I'm so darn popular in school. Top grades, best at sports, world defender; it all comes with an avatar's territory. But let's be realistic. Everyone has to have something they're not good at, just to make them seem more human to the readers. So throughout my fanfics, I shall have to overcome adversities and much mental anguish in the fraught-with-peril hobby of anything-goes, martial-arts dim sum cooking.
- I will have a part-time job after school, but it won't be doing something like modeling swimsuits or wristwatches. Do you know how hard it is to get into the modeling industry in Tokyo, especially with two dozen other female avatars jostling for a job opening? Instead, it's better to become an Anime voice actress. That way, I can still attain a popularity status that'll make Minako jealous, and make Ami look adorable since she'll be too shy to get an autograph from me.
- Naughty tentacles are a no-no, as are the usual tasteless hentai fanfics we see written in the SM universe. I want to keep the fanservice to, pardon the pun, a bare minimum. Torrid, angst-ridden love affairs between me and already pre- set romantic couples (Haruka & Michiru, Usagi & Mamoru) are permitted, though. After all, since I am an avatar, everyone's irresistibly attracted to me. Ecchi romantic moments are always allowed too.
- Because I'm so well-loved by all, I will have to create a gallery filled with fanart pictures of myself. Naturally I'm not about to sink so low that I'd do all the fanart myself. That's what the horde of drooling, no-life fanboy groupies are for. See, they're useful for something after all!
- I will remain confident and humble in my self-inserted superiority. Even though I am the next generation of Sailor Senshi (faster, stronger & sexier), I will not get into a power struggle with any of my fellow soldiers--except for Haruka & Michiru, since in the Anime they seem to haze any other Senshi who isn't an Outer.
- All magical girls are required by law to have some talking magical rodent. I'd have a pet cat, but not some measly tabby like Luna. Since my character has so much flair, my pets will also reflect this charm. I'll own a small, cute kitten who transforms into a giant pet lion at my command. I'll ride down the streets of Tokyo on him, and yet people won't run screaming for their lives or call animal control. My lion will talk to me and cuddle me, and take a sizeable chunk out of a villain's ass whenever they interrupt my precious screen time.
- My fanfic shall be an epic and dramatic story, since we all know that this is what the readers want. The only problem is that a story of this sort will be low on plot, but crammed with lots of me. Now while I don't mind this, the readers could lose interest quickly. As a result, each chapter of my fic shall not exceed more than 3 pages and be maddeningly short, with no more than a few dozen chapters in total. This just keeps the readers coming back for more (of me).
- I will not have a staff of power that even remotely looks like Sakura's staff from the series Card Captor Sakura. Hey, even though I like that show too (Sakura's so cute!! :), I'm not about to rip off ideas. So instead I shall own an enchanted rocket launcher of love (trademark, patent pending) that allows me to fly without the use of Clow Cards. Plus instead of keeping the weapon always on me in the form of a pendant around my neck, I shall cleverly shrink & hide it on a ring of keys, right alongside the keys to my Ferrari and summer beach house.
- Bosom size does not matter to fangirls as much as fanboys. Clothes make the woman, not the cleavage. Even still, I'll have ample cleavage. But where clothes are concerned, I'm not about to go for the childish fashions of Usagi. I'd go with sultry, looking so great that Setsuna would be jealous--that, or she'd be the one designing fashions for me. Hey, if she's not doing much at the gates of time, why not put her to good use?
- I shall also show good fashion senses when I transform into my sailor battle fuku. My fighting ensemble shall not include any of the following features: metal armour, helmets or anything that makes me too scantily-clad. However, I am not necessarily against transforming onto sexy dominatrix gear, because everyone knows that when this happens, the heroine is rendered indestructible and is worshiped like a queen.
- Every female avatar has to be suffering, either secretly or overtly, from some kind of hidden trauma. And the only way she can get over it is with the help of the other Senshi (since therapists are still ludicrously expensive, even in the SM universe). Well, I'm not one for being a basketcase in a skirt, so my hidden trauma will be a comical one. I shall have this inherent phobia of Hello Kitty. Thusly my kawaii, terrified reactions makes me look more endearing to the Senshi, and less of a fruitloop to the readers.
- I will not express my angst or sorrow in the form of wimpy sobbing. That's just not productive, and to be honest it makes me look like a whiny little bitch. Instead I'll go out and express my angst in the form of epic property damage. Beating the pulp out of a youma always helps cheer you up. Ask any magical girl.
Corollary to #21: anyone asking me for more disgustingly sentimental WAFF (Warm and Fuzzy Feelings) in my series shall receive the same destructive treatment. This is my fic; I'm here to pander to my whims, not the masses.
- Moving in with the Senshi of my choice/affections is a good enough idea, but that's been too overdone. Instead, I shall live alone in my own penthouse apartment as the orphan of well-to-do parents. Extra family members are always superficial and unnecessary, especially since this fic is about *me*. Then later on in the fic, I shall have the Senshi of my choice/affections move in with me!
- I will have good speaking lines, certainly, but not to the point where I verbally outshine everyone so much it becomes ridiculous. I'm an avatar, not a Shakespearean dramatist.
- I'll have magical attacks and telekinetic powers at my disposal, certainly. What avatar wouldn't? However, I will use these abilities sparingly. Instead of just flattening a youma in battle, I shall snap my fingers and instantly have a small army of attractive bishounen (pretty-boys) expertly skilled in the magic and martial arts attack said youma. That way I can recline in a beach chair and be pampered by a few spare bishies while the others reduce the youma to a sizeable hole in the earth.
Corollary to #24: sooner or later someone's bound to ask if I can actually fight, since I just used my army/harem of bishies to do my dirtywork. That's when I demonstrate how powerful I really am (cue the epic property damage), making everyone more than happy to let my bishies do most of the fighting.
- And finally, I will not hold the next chapter of my fic hostage in exchange for feedback from my adoring public. That sort of thing is childish and just shows how an author is only writing the fic for the fame and praises. I am confident in my writing. I know people everywhere praise me and grovel before me. I mean, let's be honest: blackmailing readers for feedback is so...petty. Holding the next chapter of your fic hostage in exchange for small cash bribes, on the other hand, is very justifiable. If you're going to blackmail the readers, do it right, dammit!