BAKA TO THE FUTURE!!!
Narrator: "Our story begins with what any good story must start with: fanservice."
Chaos: ^-^ "Great! I'll get my Delmo dress and flash everyone with my Hello Kitty panties!"
Narrator: [slowly turning to the audience] "We are experiencing technical difficulties with our avatar. Please stand by."
[The Narrator clobbers Chaos with a Gema ball! Chaos goes toppling over!]
Narrator: "Now as I was saying, our story begins with what any good story must start with: fanservice. Not pansy-assed, cross-dressing otaku."
Chaos: [rolling his eyes] "Fine! Okay, I'm ready."
[Chaos pulls out a Hotaru plushie & a Chaos plushie starts playing with them.]
Chaos: [as Hotaru] "Oh, Chaos-chaaan..."
Chaos: [as himself] "Hello there, Hotaru-chan!"
Chaos: [as Hotaru] "Mmmm, Chaos-chan, you look so damned sexy today!"
Chaos: [as himself] "Why, thank you! I'd like to think that it's these Lina Strauss jeans I'm wearing."
[Chaos has the Hotaru plushie snuggle up against the Chaos plushie.]
Chaos: [as Hotaru] "Oh, Chaos, I need your sexy well-toned body, and I need it now! I want to fondle you in ways you cannot begin to imagine. I want to pleasure you for hours. I want to recreate that hentai scene from End of Summer!"
Chaos: [as himself] "Oh, Hotaru, your panties are white today! Glorious white!"
[Chaos then hauls out a Puchuu plushie]
Chaos: [as Puchuu] "Puchuu?"
Chaos: "A Puchuu bear? What are you doing here?"
Chaos: [as Puchuu] "Puchuu!"
Chaos: [as himself] "What? You love me too?"
Chaos: [as Puchuu] "Puchuu Puchuu."
Chaos: [as himself] "Oh, you're both so sexy! The agony of not being able to decide tears me apart! I must have you both!"
[Chaos has the Chaos plushie pounce on the others & turns his back to everyone]
Chaos: "Oh, Hotaru...not there! Oooooh...I didn't know Puchuu bears could do that."
Narrator: [deadpan to the audience] "Somebody smite him."
[Cue the flying octopus!!!]
Narrator: "Well, I guess that's as good a beginning as we're going to get, so here goes. If one were to draw comparisons about the relationship that Usagi and Mamoru shared, what other pair would they be akin to? Strider and Arwyn? Han Solo and Princess Leia? Ernie and Bert?"
Chaos: [raising his hand] "I vote for Ed and Ein from Cowboy Bebop"
Narrator: "No one WAS asking you, Chaos."
Chaos: [lowering his hand] "Oh."
[Chas then raises his hand again.]
Narrator: "And I'm not GOING to ask you either, Chaos." Chaos: "Oh."
[The Narrator turns his head, and Chaos sticks his arm up. The Narrator then turns his head, and Chaos quickly puts his hand down.]
Narrator: "I saw that!"
Chaos: [feigning innocence] "Saw what?"
Narrator: "It's not a wise idea to spurn your narrator, Chaos."
Chaos: "Oh please! I'm an author avatar. What could you, a lowly narrator, do?"
Narrator: >) "Suddenly, Chaos wound up with a 'Wu' mark on his forehead, turning him into an instant smite magnet!"
[The Narrator slaps a piece of paper & tape with the 'Wu' mark on it onto Chaos' forehead! Cows, octopi and other things are immediately hurled at Chaos from all directions!]
Chaos: x.x "You win..."
Hotaru: "Ano, if you're done hurting my boyfriend, Narrator-san."
Narrator: "Anything for you, Hotaru. Anyhoo, at the apartment of the self-inserted idiots--er, avatars known by many as the Fanboys, not much was happening. Around 8am that morning, a giant, radioactive rubber-suit monster had tried to smash Tokyo. Following that, Chaos had tried to do his laundry, and discovered that a pan-dimensional wormhole leading into the Furinkan High girls' locker room had opened up inside the drier."
Chaos: -.-;; "The next hour of my life was spent desperately trying to avoid getting stomped on by an irate Akane Tendo. So what if blue panties aren't her colour?"
Hotaru: [grrr!] "You dare look at some other girl's panties when you can gaze at mine?!"
Chaos: o.O;; "Not so loud, Hotaru! Haruka and Michiru might hear us!!"
Naoko Takeuchi: [brandishing a squeaky hammer] "Oh, I think those two are the least of your problems right now."
Chaos: "You said it, Naoko Takeuchi! (o.O;) Oh crap."
[Chaos hauls out a kappa doll & tries to look kawaii!]
Chaos: "You wouldn't smite an otaku with a kappa doll, would you?"
Naoko: [grrr!] "You go squish now."
Chaos: "Am I going squish for knowing that Hotaru's panties are purple, or for having accidentally seen Akane Tendo's panties when Hotaru is my girlfriend?"
Naoko: [stumped] "Er...um..."
Chaos: ^^v "And I win!"
[Naoko clobbers Chaos with the mallet!!]
Chaos: "It was short-lived, but I must savour this victory...."
Narrator: "And then just before lunch there had been that invading horde of Viking Puchuu bears trying to break down the front door and storm the apartment. However their pillaging was thwarted at the last minute as Hysteria rounded them all up and dragged them into her room for a kawaii little tea party-chan."
Chaos: "So on the whole, it's admittedly been a quieter day than usual?"
Narrator: "Yeah, pretty much. Now since it was such a nice afternoon, Hotaru & Chaos were out walking through the Jyuban district, and having a nice, quiet debate."
Hotaru: "No way, Chaos. I'm telling you that Lupin III is a way better thief than that King of Bandits Jing guy."
Chaos: "But...but he's the King of Bandits, Hotaru-chan! Don't you see? Lupin never had that title in front of his name, so Jing wins by default."
Hotaru: "A name? Come on, Chaos-chan, Jing can only win because he's got that stupid talking owl to help him out."
Chaos: "It's a talking owl that turns into a giant beam cannon, I'll have you know! I mean, name me one good thing about Lupin."
Chaos: [dammit, she has me there!] "That doesn't count."
Narrator: "As they talked, they walked past an enormous billboard poster. And there for the entire district to see was an enormous picture of Touga and Akio, both bare-chested and leaning back in seductive poses. Beneath the two Utena characters was the caption: 'got revolution?'"
Chaos: "Hey, look at that! Touga's got a milk moustache too!"
Hotaru: [sweatdrop!] "That's not milk, Chaos."
Chaos: o.O;;;;; "A-Ano..."
Narrator: "An unexpected gust of wind blew across the street. Suddenly there was a brilliant flash of light, and Chaos found himself blown right across the sidewalk and into Hotaru's bosoms!"
[Hotaru grabs Chaos & shoves his face into her chest!]
Hotaru: "Wow, Chaos! You're so forceful today!"
Chaos: [holding up a small Genma Panda sign!] *I CAN'T BREATHE!!!*
Narrator: "Anyhoo, what should appear on the road in front of Hotaru and Chaos, but a souped-up, time-traveling Delorean! And who should pop open one of the gull wing doors and step out but--"
Narrator: "Hey, that was MY line!"
Hotaru: [embarrassed] "Gomen..."
Narrator: "As I was saying, who should pop open one of the gull wing doors and step out but Setsuna-momma! (-.-;;;) Er, Setsuna."
Setsuna: "Hotaru, Chaos! Thank Naoko I found you!"
Chaos: "Um...Setsuna, we're in the middle of doing a Confic reading here, so isn't the best time."
Setsuna: "Don't make me hurt you, Chaos. I know all about that 'My Big, Fat Greek Wedding Peach' fic you're going to write three months from now."
Chaos: o.O;; "My Big Fat Greek Wedding Peach? Why, that's brilliant! Thanks for the idea, Setsuna!"
Setsuna: [smacking her own forehead] "Me and my big, fourth-dimensional mouth."
Hotaru: "Um...Setsuna-momma? What are you doing here anyways?"
Setsuna: "It's an emergency! I need the both of you to travel to the future with me! We're under attack!"
Hotaru: "But I thought that Usagi and the others stopped the Black Moon Family's attack."
Setsuna: "No, this one's worse! Much, much worse!"
Chaos: "How worse could it get? And why do you need us? I mean, what? Do Hotaru and I become a couple of idiots in the future?"
Setsuna: [awkward pause] "Oh no no no, Hotaru turns out just fine. It's the chibi-Havocs! Something has to be done about chibi-Havocs, Chaos!"
Chaos: [slowly turning to the audience] "Okay, who else here saw that coming?"
Hotaru: "But, Setsuna-momma, the chibi-Havocs are stuck in the present, and there's no indication from any of the Inner Senshi that they were in Crystal Tokyo. How could they have possibly splooted into the future? They didn't loot & pillage the Timegate, did they?"
[Setsuna pulls out a large white board & magic marker]
Setsuna: "You see, Hotaru, we have to take into account the Theory of Rule 3 Relativity."
[Setsuna writes the equation Ecchi = MC2 on the board]
Setsuna: "This is about moving at the speed of Perv. Bear in mind that the more perverted you are, the faster you can move to steal panties, cop feels and do all sorts of ecchi things. Unfortunately for us, the faster a chibi-Havoc pervs, the closer she gets to achieving the speed of light. Which means they can defy the space-time continuum, and jump to any place on the timeline they want!"
Hotaru: [scratching her head] "That's a lot of rampant lesbianism."
Chaos: "Though this would explain all those Sakura Taisen lemons I've been seeing."
Setsuna: [whapping Chaos upside the back of the head!] "BAKA!"
Chaos: [shrug!] "Oh, and how is this any different from all those Gundam Wing yaoifics you read?"
Hotaru: [blush!] "......" Setsuna: "You read Gundam Wing yaoifics too, Hotaru-chan?"
Hotaru: ^-^ "Hai! Have you read Brecca Abbot?"
Setsuna: "Oh, I love that author! And what about the fic where Hiiro and Duo are stuck in the Wing Zero's cockpit, and the air conditioning's broken, and they have to strip down just to stay cool?"
Hotaru: "Oh, it's one of my favourites! I adore the part where they're all hot and sweaty and naked, and Duo reaches for one of the controls, but instead he grabs Hiiro's--"
Narrator: [clapping his hands over his ears] "I'm not hearing this! La la la la la!!!"
Chaos: [struggling with the narrator] "Oh no you don't! I need you to get us out of this!"
Narrator: "And so, without further ado or yaoific moments--"
Setsuna: [sigh!] "You boys never let us have any fun."
Chaos: [indignant] "Do I look like Ruckus?"
Narrator: "--Setsuna climbed into the Delorean, with Chaos & Hotaru sharing the passenger seat."
Chaos: "Setsuna, how exactly do you expect us to fight chibi-Havocs after that last fiasco with your beach house? I mean, what sort of plot devices do you have in mind?"
Setsuna: ^-^ "Plot? Where we're going we don't need...plot."
Chaos: "Why is the Garnet Orb powering the Flux Capacitor?!"
Hotaru: "This is going to be a blast! I can see what our wedding looks like, Chaos!"
Setsuna: "Before or after Haruka tries to sacrifice him to the Death Phantom?"
Chaos: "At least tell me we get to roast marshmallows over my bonfire."
Narrator: "Yes, dear readers, you guessed it, hokey smoke, watch this narrator pull a cabbit out of his fedora, it's time for...BAKA TO THE FUTURE!!!"
[Cue the theme music for 'Back to the Future'! Everyone suddenly starts looking around, wondering where the music is coming from End the music.]
Chaos: "Oooh, catchy!"
Narrator: "Now then, the Delorean sped down the streets, almost crashed into Godzilla, beat the entire Initial D racing team, and managed to send poor Keitaro flying into orbit. After a cheap-assed special FX display of flashing lights--"
[Chaos flings some glitter & confetti into the air!]
Narrator: "--the Delorean came screeching to a stop right in the middle of Crystal Tokyo's Crystal Palace."
Chaos: [scratching his head] "Why is everything in the future 'crystal' anyways?"
Setsuna: "Because Platinum Tokyo would sound stupid."
Hotaru: "Wow, look at all the glass! The future looks like a giant snow globe!"
Chaos: "Are we going to meet our future selves? And are they going to kick my ass for things I technically haven't done yet?"
Chaos: "What? That's the best the guardian of Time can do: a maybe? You're not instilling any confidence in me, Setsuna!"
Setsuna: "Well maybe you should have thought about the future ramifications when you decide to write that 'Yu-Gi-Oh My Goddess' fic in ten years."
Chaos: o.O;; "Yu-Gi-Oh My Goddess?! Why, that's a fantastic idea! Thanks again, Setsuna!"
Hotaru: "Setsuna-momma, stop encouraging him!"
Setsuna: ^^;; "I can't help it, it just slipped out."
Chaos: "Kinda like your boobs right now?"
Narrator: "Perplexed, Setsuna glanced down at her chest, only to discover that she was in fact flashing her cleavage at the palace!"
Setsuna: [covering her chest!] "Kyaa! What happened to my bra?"
Narrator: "As if on cue, a chibi-Havoc-chan went bouncing past her."
Chibi-Havoc: "Hotcha! A brassier! A blue brassier!"
Setsuna: [sulking] "And that was my favourite one too."
Narrator: "Just then, who should come gracefully gliding down the hallway but the future queen of Crystal Tokyo: Neo Queen Serenity!"
Chaos: [aside to Hotaru] "Should I bow or curtsey?"
Hotaru: [shaking her head] "Baka Chaos-chan."
Neo Queen Serenity: "Now you understand the danger our peaceful city is facing. These are desperate times, which is why I had Setsuna travel back in time and recruit some of--KYAAA!! Who left those tire marks on my nice clean carpet?!"
Setsuna: "Um...here, Chaos, hold these car keys."
Chaos: [suspicious] "What for?"
Neo Queen Serenity: "SHIN'NE!!!"
[NQS clobbers Chaos with a squeaky hammer!]
Chaos: x.x "Somebody stop the future, I want to get off...."
Hotaru: o.O;; "I thought you told me Neo Queen Serenity was a gentle, benevolent leader, Setsuna-momma."
Setsuna: ^^;;; "She was. Then she had Chibiusa."
NQS: ^-^ "Happily not for the moment, however. Chibiusa's currently back in the past, helping deal with the Dead Moon Circus."
Chaos: "Hang on. Let me see if I've got this straight, Serenity. In order to not have to deal with the Yamhead in Crystal Tokyo, you send her back into time so your past self has to deal with her instead of your current self?"
Neo Queen Serenity: ^-^ "Hai! I win either way!"
Chaos: -.-;; "Your temporal logic sucks, incidentally."
Chibi-Havoc: "Yes, but does it swallow?"
[Everyone stops & turns towards the Chibi-Havoc.]
Setsuna: "You can see what we're up against."
Chaos: "No problem, this exact thing happened on an episode of Master Keaton I saw yesterday. Now all I need in order to defeat the Chibi-Havocs are five lawn flamingos, two Buster Beam cannons, a vibrating sheep of death, Rally Vincent's Cobra GT-200, those golden shoulder rings that Masaru wears, a ball of twine, and Kero-chan."
Setsuna: "Why would you need Kero-chan?"
Chaos: ^^v "So he can comment on how stylishly dressed I am during his Kero-chan Check of this Confic!"
Setsuna: [argh!] "You are such an idiot."
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