Narrator: "And so they walked down the hallowed halls of the Crystal Palace, and since Hotaru still had her hands over his eyes, Chaos had no idea what was going on. Hotaru, however, was certainly getting an eyeful as they passed a few naughty tentacle monsters casually sipping tea and playing strip poker with some young ladies."
Hotaru: "You don't think that in the few hours we were gone, the chibi-Havocs managed to take over Crystal Tokyo, do you?"
Chaos: "You never know with the chibi--ITAI!!"
Narrator: "Very soon they were standing in the throne room. And who should be sitting upon the throne of Crystal Tokyo, but someone decidedly NOT Neo Queen Serenity."
Havoc: ^^v "What, you were expecting that man, Yang Wen-Li?"
Hotaru: "This can't be right. Havoc, what are you doing running the future?"
Havoc: [shrug!] "Well, right now I'm not doing much. But in half an hour I'm scheduled to do Mai Shiranui and the entire female cast of Love Hina."
Chaos: >.< "Too much information!!"
Havoc: "That reminds me, we're going to need someone to clean out the royal Jello pit in the next half hour."
Narrator: "Just then, Havoc's cell phone rang."
Havoc: [talking on the phone] "Moshi moshi, Hentenno speaking ... Kintaro! Hey, how's it going? ... NinNin got it stuck where? ... I don't know, use the jaws of life or something. A can opener, I don't care! ... and there's what all over the floor? ... well, just use a mop, how bad could it be? ... (o.O;;) I see. Tell you what, I'll send Emperor Lohengrope and my Ecchi-chan Charon to make sure he doesn't damage anything else ... Yeah, NinNin should know better than to do that with a Persocom! Baka."
Narrator: "And with that, he hung up the phone. Meanwhile, this was doing nothing to help boost Chaos and Hotaru's confidence."
Chaos: [shaking his head] "No matter what future it is, NinNin's still a dick."
Hotaru: [panicky] "This is all wrong! Chaos, you've screwed up the future! Instead of Neo Queen Serenity, we have an uberperv ruling throne!"
Havoc: "It's Hentenno, I'll have you know. And for the record, there is, in fact, a queen ruling Crystal Hentopia."
Hotaru: [sweatdrop!] "Crystal Hentopia?"
Chaos: "You know, it actually has a pretty good ring to it."
Narrator: "Havoc gestured to a doorway, and through it emerged a much older, sexier and eviler looking version of Hotaru. With her tresses of long, black hair trailing behind her, she ascended up the stairs and sat upon Havoc's lap."
Chaos: "Mistress Nine?!"
Mistress 69: [purr!] "I am Mistress 69. You can call me...Jo'o-sama."
Hotaru: "This is so not good. Chaos, any ideas?"
Chaos: [tilting his head sideways] "When exactly do your legs get to be that long and supple?"
Hotaru: "This is not the time to be thinking about my legs--er, her legs--er, our legs... you know what I mean! We need to get back to the Delorean!"
Chaos: "You're right! I think I double-parked it next to the Perv Perv Revolution arcade machine. I don't want to get a ticket!"
Mistress 69: "Oh, I'm afraid we cannot let you go so easily."
Chaos: "Hey, lady, you're going to have to go through my umbrellas of power if you want to stop me!"
Mistress 69: "I was talking about your delicious-looking girlfriend, actually."
Hotaru: [stunned & blushing] "Me?!"
Mistress 69: "You look so cute I could just eat you all up. Maybe a little nyotaimori will help me do just that."
Chaos: [confused] "You want to have a Rule 3 fling with Hotaru? But you are technically her, so if you two get together...ewwwww!! Oh, that's just not right! And I thought Oscarfics were bad!"
Narrator: "Naturally, when faced with such a situation, Chaos did what he does best: he screamed like a girl and fled in terror. Which would have been more dramatic if he hadn't fled right into a wall."
Hotaru: [sigh!] "As graceful as a one-legged swan trying to land."
Narrator: "And so Hotaru threw Chaos over her shoulder, and ran for the Delorean."
Havoc: "Well, it appears you get to work up your appetite before having the meal. Shall I unleash the Delmo girls?"
Mistress 69: "No, I shall handle this personally. It appears another game of Spank The Senshi has just started."
[Havoc hands Mistress 69 a wooden spoon.]
Havoc: "Enjoy! I'll just be here penning my latest Havocfic: Handmaid Maze."
Mistress 69: "Oooh, sounds naughty! I'm getting all tingly just remembering what your last fic did to me."
Havoc: "Yes, 'Yu-Ri-Oh' was quite the Havocfic. And save her bra for the Hentenno!"
Narrator: "Chaos and Hotaru raced down the halls, Mistress 69 chasing after them. Chaos managed to slow her down by splooting some random chibi-Havoc he tripped over."
Chaos: "Gyaaa...I've got whipped cream in my socks now."
Hotaru: "I don't understand. How could the future have been changed to something so... so...ecchi?"
Chaos: "There's only one way for us to find out!"
Hotaru: "Get back in the Delorean, travel back to the past and find out what triggered this?"
Chaos: o.O; "Hotaru, that's brilliant! That's a lot better than what I'd come up with."
Hotaru: "What did you come up with?"
Chaos: "Well, first I take a Puchuu bear, then I deep fry him for roughly 5 minutes, just until he's crispy yet tender. Then I take some calamari and some wasabi sauce--"
Hotaru: "Forget I asked."
Mistress 69: "You can't run forever, my cute little neko-chan! I'm going to have your nekkid body purring on my lap before the night's out!"
Chaos: "I didn't know you were part catgirl, Hotaru."
Hotaru: "I'm not! Keep running!"
Narrator: "The two arrived at the Delorean and leapt into the seats. Well, Chaos would have had he remembered to open the door first."
Chaos: "What the? The key won't fit into the ignition, Hotaru!"
Hotaru: "That's a flathead panda, you dolt!"
[Chaos pulls out a flathead panda]
Chaos: "Oh. Right."
Narrator: "Chaos started the Delorean up as Hotaru adjusted the time circuits. With a roar of the engine, Chaos floored the Delorean down the halls of the Crystal Palace. In a flash of light, they vanished just as Mistress 69 came around the corner."
Mistress 69: "Oh, damn, they escaped. Now who do I get to spank?"
Narrator: "Just then, Nurse Minako walked by."
Mistress 69: >) "Ohayooooo, Nurse!!"
Narrator: "Back in the S season, Chaos decided that one door and one gaping hole in the wall wasn't enough ventilation for the musty Deathbusters lab, so he decided to make a new hole in the wall!"
Chaos: "Hmm...the Witches 5 might want to order some new drywall. It's a good thing Eudial's car stopped us. I hope she's insured."
Narrator: "As she stepped out from the Delorean, Hotaru felt someone beneath her."
Hotaru: [aghast] "Professor Tomoe? Chaos, you just ran over my Dad!"
Chaos: "I thought I felt a bump."
Hotaru: "Oh, poor poppa. He's still possessed by a daimon. You don't think we should cure him right now, do you?"
Chaos: "Oh, that's just what I need: one more over-protective parental unit stomping my ass."
Chaos: "Hai hai. I'll help you carry him over to that cot."
Narrator: "And so the two of them hauled Professor Tomoe and his perpetual facial shadow over to a rollaway cot, and laid him down."
Hotaru: "Now then, we still need to figure out why Havoc winds up ruling Crystal Tokyo instead of Neo Queen Serenity."
Chaos: "I vote on Puchuu bears. It always comes back to Puchuu bears."
Hotaru: "What is it with you and Puchuu bears anyways?"
Chaos: ^^;; "I just like them, that's all. They're so cuuuuute...even if I don't know what the hell they are."
Hotaru: "Enough with the Puchuu's. So where do we start looking?"
Chaos: "Maybe we should ask that nekkid female being chased by the chibi-Havoc."
Narrator: "Sure enough, racing across the street with her hands covering her chest was the Phantom known as Bogeypop. And right behind her was Chibi-Havoc-kun."
Chibi-Havoc-kun: "I love you! Let me poke you! Get wet! I need you!"
Bogeypop: "Get away from me, you freak!"
Hotaru: [sigh!] "You know, in any other fanfic that might have looked strange."
Chaos: "Well, this certainly explains it: chibi-Havoc-kun hitched a ride back to the Sailormoon Super season, and somehow managed to get Mistress 9 to defect to his side. What brilliance!"
Hotaru: "You don't have to sound so impressed, Chaos."
Chaos: "Well, you were quite the incarnation of evil, Hotaru. Trying to persuade you to do anything aside from enslave the world was a pretty tall order."
Hotaru: [glaring crossly at Chaos] "......"
Chaos: ^^;; "Um...how about we go catch the chibi-Havoc now?"
Hotaru: [still cross] "Good idea."
Narrator: "Well, it didn't take a genius to follow the trail of naked women scrambling to get their clothes back. Which worked rather well, since Chaos is not known for being a genius."
Chaos: "Hey, I resent that! Would not a genius write a masterpiece like 'Koko Wa Wolfwood'."
Narrator: "No, they wouldn't."
Chaos: [sulking] "Oh...shows what you know!"
Narrator: "Anyhoo, the trail of underwear and nekkid flashes brought Chaos and Hotaru back into familiar territory, and soon enough they found themselves in the Jyuban district."
Hotaru: "I don't see the chibi-Havoc anywhere, Chaos. What about you?"
Chaos: "I see a 'Wu'. Hey, Desolation!"
Desolation: "Hey, Chaos! How's it going?"
Chaos: "We've screwed with the fragile folds of space-time and mangled the future. You?"
Desolation: "I got a whole snow cone lodged up my nose about five minutes ago. And I'm due to be hit by an obligatory falling Gundam colony in about an hour. Of course this before I get run over by Eudial's car, and have my pure heart stolen. Come to think of it, that'll make the twenty-second time this week my pure heart's been stolen."
Chaos: "Aaah. Good times."
Chaos: "Oh, right! The chibi-Havoc! Say, Deso, you wouldn't have happened to see a chibi-Havoc running around, would you?"
Desolation: "Yeah, he ran into Jyuban High School over there. Probably going to pillage the girls' locker room. They should almost be finishing their phys. ed. classes about now."
Chaos: "I see...we shall surprise him in the locker room! Hotaru, you stay here just in case the Chibi-Havoc gets past us and tries to escape. Come on, Deso, we've got a perv to punt!"
Narrator: "And so Chaos and Desolation bravely stormed the girl's locker room...which happened to be occupied by girls at the moment."
Chorus of girls: "Eeek! HENTAI!!!"
Desolation: "Ow! These high school girls are violent, Chaos! They're beating me to death with my own severed arm!"
Chaos: "Just stay conscious for a few more minutes. I think I've found the Chibi-Havoc...aha! There you are! Hand over that underwear!"
Chibi-Havoc: "Hey, they're my panties! You boys can't have any!"
Chaos: "Oh, so it's a fight you want, is it? Deso, lend me your pomegranate of doom!"
Narrator: "Unfortunately, Chaos accidentally deployed Desolation's emergency Dragu Slave instead. At the risk of stating the obvious, no good came of this."
Hotaru: [stunned] "You...you just blew up Jyuban High School...."
Chaos: ^^;;; "So...think this'll count against me?"
Hotaru: [still stunned] "You blew up Jyuban High, Chaos...."
Chaos: "But on the bright side, the chibi-Havoc was inside, so we took care of that problem. You know, that's quite the geyser of Cream Lemon that enveloped Desolation. Think he can breathe whipped cream?"
Hotaru: [shaking her head] "I'm going to be grounded for the rest of my eternal life."
Chaos: "Hey, cheer up, Hotaru-chan! So what if there was a little collateral damage in the process?"
Hotaru: [sarcastic] "A little?"
Chaos: "What matters the most here is that my ass is so damned sexy. Oh, and that we got rid of the chibi-Havoc too. Let's head back to the car."
Hotaru: "It's like living with the cast of Terrestrial Defense Force Mao-chan sometimes."
Narrator: "Well, Chaos and Hotaru headed back to the Delorean, revved the engines and jumped back into the future."
Chaos: "Makes you wonder if we get frequent flyer miles with all this travelling."
Hotaru: "Well, here we are. Let's hope this version of Crystal Tokyo somehow works out all right for us."
Narrator: "Now, just because of the future had yet another new look to it didn't meant that this future was an improvement. Buildings were decorated with large bows and ribbons, and were painted very bright colours like sky blue, pink, and periwinkle."
Chaos: "Periwinkle isn't a colour, is it?"
Narrator: "It is now."
Chaos: "Ugh, this place is so disgustingly cheerful. It's like the Abenobashi Magical Shopping District from hell."
Hotaru: "I thought you said we fixed the future, Chaos!"
Chaos: "I thought we did! We repaired all the damage we caused the first time around."
Hotaru: "What about all the damage you did the second time around?"
Chaos: "Oh, so I blew up the Inner Senshi's high school in a volcanic eruption of Cream Lemon. Like that's going to horribly alter the future. At worst the transit system will probably just be replaced with Nekobuses, and that's it."
Narrator: "Yet Chaos was not surprisingly proven wrong moments later when very saccharine-enriched music came from further down the street. Soon Chaos and Hotaru watched as a large military procession paraded through the heart of Tokyo."
Chaos: "Those have to be the disgustingly cutest military uniforms I have ever seen. How many frills and bowties do they have?"
Hotaru: "It's the fluffy pink berets I'm kinda worried about."
Chaos: "And look at all the ribbons and short, pleated skirts! I mean, the only person I know who has this warped a fashion sense is...(o.O;) Oh no."
Narrator: "Suddenly an enormous pixelboard sprang to life, and on it appeared an image of Hysteria's rather large grinning face."
Hysteria: "Ohayo, minion-chans! Crystal Tokyo-chan's Kawaii Little Dictator For Life: Hysteria here! Is everyone having a kawaii little fun time as we get ready to kick Hello Kitty's uppity little ass-chan? I hope so! Wai wai wai!"
Hotaru: "What the?"
Narrator: "Chaos, what the hell kind of future is this?!"
Chaos: ^^;; "Um...a future where Hysteria rules the world?"
[The Narrator & Chaos slowly turn to each other in horror.]
Narrator & Chaos: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Chaos: "Can't...breathe...even the air's too cute!!"
Hotaru: "Chaos, we're not going to die! Not in a future like this!"
Chaos: [nod nod!] "Hai hai. When I die, I want to be cremated and then have the ashes flushed down the toilet. A burial at sea, if you will. Maybe I could get Captain Tita to do the honours and push the level to flush me!"
Hysteria: "Now everyone, make the kawaii little chant-chan with me! Seig Wai! Seig Wai!"
Chaos: "This has to be the stupidest future I've ever seen. What a bunch of overly-precocious buttheads."
Narrator: "And it appeared someone had been listening, for the cheery procession came to a dead stop. Up on the pixelboard, Hysteria's face leaned forward and glared at the streets below."
Hysteria: "Someone dared to call Hysteria and her kawaii little future-chan un-cute! Hysteria cannot allow that! Bring the un-kawaii little traitors to Hysteria, so she can decapitate them in an oh so kawaii way!"
Chaos: "I sense fervent hostility directed at us, Hotaru-chan."
Hotaru: "Chaos, maybe now's a good time to start running...."
Chaos: "Maybe if we throw a PeroPero doll at them, they'll cuddle the doll instead of gruesomely murder us!"
Narrator: "Well, for as good a plan as it might have been, it failed brilliantly. Chaos found himself being dragged towards Hysteria, who was brandishing a ridiculously huge sword."
Hysteria: "And now, Hysteria gets the kawaii little pleasure-chan of tearing you apart for dissing Hysteria's kawaii little dictatorship-chan!"
Chaos: "You know, the only way I can see you wielding a sword that big is because those ridiculously huge breasts serve as counter-weights."
Hysteria: "You dare insult Hysteria's kawaii little bust-chan? Now Hysteria will kill you until you die from it! KAWAII KILLER BUTTERFLY ATTACK!!!"
Chaos: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Narrator: "And just then, Chaos was woken up by someone gently poking him in the shoulder."
Hotaru: "Wake up, Chaos-chan."
Chaos: [groggy] "Mmm...oh, Hotaru, I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamed that Hysteria ruled the future, and we were all forced to wear kawaii frilly uniform-chans as she declared war on Hello Kitty..."
Hotaru: "Well, you're safe now, Chaos-chan. Now get up and get dressed. We have to be in the throne room in ten minutes to worship Neo Queen Greenbeans and her lake god."
Chaos: o.O;; "Beans' lake god?!"
Greenbeans: [evil cackling!!] "MWAH HA HAH HA HAH HA HAH!!!"
[Chaos then faints dead away.]
Narrator: "And that's the ending, folks."
Chaos: [perking back up] "That can't be it! Greenbeans is still ruling the future!"
Narrator: "Hey, I've had enough of this turkey, so I say it's a good enough ending for me."
Chaos: "Hey, I protest!"
[The narrator bops Chaos in the head with a squeaky hammer, and Chaos goes down again!]
Narrator: "We hope that you've enjoyed our 3rd annual Fanboys! Confic, but before we go...here's a little omake for you. Presenting: Kero-chan Corner!!"
Kero-chan: "Yo, everyone! Kero-chan here. Let's look back at the some of the fashion do's & don'ts we've seen this Confic, shall we? First off, Hotaru was looking styling today. Nothing says 'perky goth' like a black blouse, a red skirt and a big smile!"
Chaos: "Hey, what about my sexy Lina Strauss jeans?"
Kero-chan: "What about them?"
Chaos: "My pants deserve recognition."
Kero-chan: "I only recognize the fact that you're not wearing any pants, and for that I apologize to everyone here."
Chaos: [grumbling] "I always thought my giraffe boxer shorts were cool."
Kero-chan: "Now it's time for the always popular Kero-chan check! Today we're focusing on the Puchuu bear. Now while it dresses so cute in its pink loincloth--"
Puchuu: ^-^ "Puchuu?"
Kero-chan: "--I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!!!"
[Kero-chan boots the Puchuu!]
Kero-chan: "So there you have it. I hope to see you again at Kero-chan Corner. Matta ne!"
Thanks goes out to:
Servo, for helping co-write this year's Confic. There would have been no Chibi-Havocs (and thusly, very little fanservice) had he not contributed.
Greenbeans, for printing up such wonderful copies of the script. See, all you have to do is let her rule the world, and own the lake god, and she becomes such a benevolent Bean Goddess. ^-^
Naoko Takeuchi, who has yet to actually render me a little red smear on the ground for screwing around with her series so much. I really am a fan of Sailormoon, honest!
Robert Zemekis, Michael J. Fox and everyone else in the 'Back to the Future' trilogy, for giving us such good movies and such delightful cannon fodder for this fic.
My wonderful fiancée and saucy wench, Mel-chan, for tolerating all those Puchuu bears.
Cthulhu-no-miko, simply because she's the Cthulhu-no-miko!
Sean Gaffney, for volunteering to be the Confic narrator/victim for 3 years now, and counting...
The rest of the Fanboys! seiyuu gang, for lending their voices to the insanity.
And to Havoc...this is what you miss when you're in Wisconsin, you scouser!
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