a long time ago,
in a fanfic far, far away...
[Cue the stirring John Williams theme music!]
Anarchy & Tasuki: [absolutely smashed] "Sake Sake hot, Sake Sake cold! Sake Sake hot, Sake Sake cold! Sake Sake hot--!"
Sarcasm: ^^ [with more booze!] "Plum Wine!!"
[--;; Ano...let's try that again.]
Lord Chaos presents
A Bean Goddess! Production
Episode 1: The SD Menace
"Why Bean Wars?" you might ask.
Well, why not? The usually endearing and always sadistic skirmishes which feature the self-inserted characters of Chaos and Beans has always been something fun to rant about. It's impressive that >two authors can have their characters feuding so much in the fanfics, and in actuality get along quite well together. Though it's unconfirmed as to whether or not this is because Chaos *always* winds up on the receiving end of the smites.
This marks the 1-year anniversary of Curse of the Fanboys!'s inauguration. About twelve months ago the very first Fanboys fanfic was written by His lordship Chaos and then posted on Greenbeans' webpage. Ever since, the battle for the lake god as an official mascot has continued--though mainly at the behest of Chaos.
Perhaps it is fitting then that such a milestone of hyper and super-deformed insanity should be capped off with one of the greatest rivalries in the history of Anime fandom. Bean Wars!!! marks the collaborative efforts on both our parts, and has probably been one of the funniest fics I've been able to work on.
But before the battle really begins, let's journey back over a whole year's worth of smites, stupidity and flying sashimi. It's time to see just how the Bean Wars first came about, and how everything escalated from there. To think it's all because Greenbeans decided one day that a lake god in an aquarium would make the perfect dorm pet. ^^
* * *
Greenbeans presents: THE BEANIE RANT
In a time not long enough ago, in a city not far enough away, began a phenomena that soon seized the net. What followed was Chaos. And Anarchy, Mayhem, Pestilence, Havoc, and Carnage, but I haven't gotten that far into the story yet. Indeed, it was the Curse of the Fanboys! What happened later came to be called the Bean Wars...
Our story, like all stories, began innocently enough one day with a bean. Not a literal bean, of course, unless you chose to believe the tax return that was filed to the IRS, but we shan't discuss that, 'kay?
This bean lived a good life, a happy life. She was the top of her game, a front line player, some even called her Queen until *they* showed up.
I know what you're thinking. "Now she's going to go into a rant about how the Fanboys ruined things for her." And you know what? You're right! I expect you to pay avid attention because there *will* be a quiz on this at the end of the fic.
As I was saying, the anime world was a peaceful place pre-Fanboys. Don't get me wrong, this world is big enough for multiple self-inserted characters, so it isn't a jealousy thing. What got to me is Chaos' insistence on procuring a certain mascot of mine.
[Fanboys 1, Part 2]
Mayhem shook his head. "Chaos, Beans put that lake god there for a reason, and I for one do not want it burbling angrily at me. You want it as a new mascot, you get to clean the fish tank."
Chaos finished clicking a few more keystrokes. "Too late. Within the hour Beans' lake god shall be ours. Don't worry; what harm could possibly be fall us?"
See?! He wasn't content with that garbage disposal of a mascot of his, Rampage. Noooooooo, he had to taint *my* mascot with his Fanboy ways as well. What choice do I have but to retaliate?
[Fanboys 2, Part II]
"This is strange," Pesti-chan said. "Where is Chaos anyways?"
They got their answer as they looked over by the computer and the place where Beans' lake god in the aquarium had once sat. There in its place was a completely terrified Chaos, all wrapped up nice and the
cute like with duct tape (the handy otaku's secret weapon!). Written in permanent black marker across his forehead were the words: "BYTE ME."
I'm not going for sympathy. It's not that at all. I'm quite capable of handling Chaos myself as you can see. But you have to understand that no matter how many times I've smited him; he just won't take a clue. Like the concept of 'keep your grubby Fanboy paws off my aquarium' is such a difficult thing to understand.
And it didn't end with his obsession with the lake god. He developed a compulsive obsession to make my life miserable! Showing up at the most inopportune times!
Alas, I am but a tormented artist.
[Fanboys 5, Part II]
"Excuse me for this," Beans said, studying Chaos' face. "But have we met before somewhere?"
Chaos tried to mask the wave of terror that struck, grabbing hold of his sweatdrop and hiding it behind his back. "Um...no! Why you ask?"
Beans shook her head. "You just look so familiar somehow. I must be imagining things."
"Hai!" a relieved Chaos agreed cheerfully, taking a step forward. However his female form managed to stub a toe, and with the usual gracefulness of the one-legged swan Chaos shrieked and crashed into the water.
"Shimatta!" Chaos exclaimed, coughing and rising out from beneath the surface. "This just isn't my night!" Chaos gave an innocent look over at Beans, Haruka and Michiru. "Hm? Is something wrong?"
Beans had practically recoiled to the other side of the hotspring, while Haruka and Michiru were still seated in their same places but with eyes wide in utter shock. Chaos' smile slowly faded, and he looked down at himself. Super deformedness struck a second later.
"HOLY SHIT!" he exclaimed. "I'M A GUY AGAIN!!"
What a *nightmare* that was! Here I was, enjoying a traditional Japanese bath when *HE* showed up!! Can you spell S-T-A-L-K-E-R? I knew you could.
This, this FANBOY even had the temerity on TWO occasions to show up on my doorstep to torment me! First he landed face first into the world of College Life and then he showed up at my place of employ. I shan't go into those incidents since they'll only raise my blood pressure a few hundred points. Needless to say, I was not amused.
Indeed, two of my most humiliating moments have been at the hands of the Fanboys. When Havoc's inner hentai was released, I was one of its victims. Ophelia still won't talk to me about what happened over Christmas...
[Fanboys Christmasfic, Part 2]
Carnage abruptly pulled back another fusama, his eyes wide. "Hey, guys!" he exclaimed. "You had better get in here quick! Somethin' freaky just happened to Beans!"
Chaos, Mayhem and Pesti-chan leaped through the door (Chaos suddenly tripping and falling to the floor thanks to Polaris snagging his foot) just in time to see Beans chasing Ophelia around the room.
Beans: ^-^ "Hotcha! Ophelia-chan, come to Hentenno-sama!"
Ophelia: [frantically lobbing Chocolate Pockymons at Beans!] "Did that Begging Favours rant we did with JoanM make you go insane?!"
The fanboys blinked, uncertain of what to say.
"Havoc...just possessed Beans?" Pesti-chan said.
It wasn't enough that I make a fool of myself in the eyes of one of my dear friends and co-authors. The Chaos continued...
[Fanboys Christmasfic, Part 2]
"Please accept my apologies on behalf of everyone here," Beans continued. "We had hoped for something a little less grand and a lot less ecchi, but you know these otaku."
"Hai hai," Naoko lamented.
"The rest of us here try to do a good job when it comes to Sailor Moon fanfics," Beans added. "We work hard no matter how drafty we feel...Drafty?!"
Sure enough, Beans suddenly found herself sans panties. A large sweatdrop appeared next to her head as she reverted into SD mode, teary Bambi-eyes looking up to the illustrious and revered creator of Sailor Moon.
Naoko: ^-^ [twirling Beans' panties on her index finger] "Hotcha! Silken treasures for Hentenno-sama! I was unaware you had little SD Haruka patterns on your panties Beans."
How do you expect me to live this insult down?! The beloved creator of Sailormoon stole my *panties*. And I didn't exactly appreciate the net learning about the Haruka pattern either!
Everyone realizes Chaos' defeat except him.
[Fanboys 8, Part I]
"Beans will always win; it's a set law in our fanfics. You can't escape contractual obligations," Pesti-chan said, flopping down in his own chair. "Give it up, Chaos. The lake god's hers. Period."
"Never!!!" Chaos proclaimed. "Just one arm wrestle with Beans to prove that I am the better deserving one for the lake god! Does she have a problem with that?!"
"Apparently so," Mayhem replied, dousing himself with a kettle of warm water. "I just got a reply back from Beans about your failed Indiana Chaos attempt. And I quote: "'Ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha!!!!!!'"
Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Must you use so many exclamation points, Mayhem?"
Mayhem shrugged in response. "Hey, it's what she had written. And after that last Omakefic of yours, can you blame her?"
Indeed, Chaos has thrown down the gauntlet with this! I've humored his obsession for long enough. Once and for all I will firmly establish that the lake god is mine. For such a noble cause, I will brave rain, sleet, and hail. (Which he's been dumping on me in vast quantities in numerous emails. 'Hail!' yourself Chaos!)
This score *will* be settled! I have a plan that will smite Chaos once and for all! [evil laughter]
* * *
His lordship Chaos presents: THE dysFUNctional RANT!!!
Chaos: [indignant sniff!] "I don't see why she's got her pantyhose in such a knot. We both know I'm the better one between the two of us who deserves the lake god. It's simple math."
Dark Mayhem: "Such as the law of 'Chaos + Beans - Chaos' brain = smited fanboy'."
Chaos: [dousing Dark Mayhem with cold water!] "When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it, Uber Exploder Newt-boy!"
Pesti: "Well he does have a point; you did start this entire Bean War."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "It's not my fault, and I can prove it with this clip from one of our earliest Omakefics!"
[Fanboys! Omakefic 1: Fanboys In College!!!]
"So that just leaves the question as to where Chaos went," Haruka said.
Mayhem glanced over to Pesti-chan. "You don't think he'd be stupid enough to...?"
Pesti-chan nodded. "Oh, Chaos is stupid enough to try that." He turned to Beans. "Beans, you had better check your dorm room and fast."
Suddenly there was a loud triumphal shout.
"I have the lake god!" Chaos cackled racing down the halls with the fish tank over his head. "Ha ha! I have Beans' mascot! It's all mine, I tell you! MINE!! Pesti-chan, get the remote control of the gods ready!"
Chaos: o.O "......"
Dark Mayhem: "Ne, Chaos, could you refresh me memory as to where in that last clip were you were portrayed as the innocent one?"
Pesti: [sigh!] "And yet despite all the beatings he's taken, he hasn't even realized he's doomed."
Chaos: "Hey! I'll have you know that the ones in the sailor fukus are always the ones who win in the end."
Dark Mayhem: "Well, you'll only win by default if you wear that fuku while you're still male, Chaos. Beans'll just die from the shock of seeing a Senshi with armpit hair."
[Chaos dumps a bucket of cold water on Dark Mayhem!]
Chaos: "I'll have you know I shaved last week, Newt Schneider."
Newt Schneider: --;; "......"
Chaos: "Besides, what could some second-rate self inserted avatar like Beans possibly do to a fanboy like me?"
[Excerpt from an Email rant with Beans vs. Chaos]
>um.. fulfill your worse nightmare.. reply with a multitude of taunts and childish remarks >)
Carnage: "Well, I'd say she's already covered both of those."
Pesti: "What about the nightmare part?"
Hysteria: "Wah! Chaos-poppa, have you seen Makoto-momma anywhere?"
Haruka: [with Space Sword!] "DUO...!!!"
Naoko Takeuchi: [with 1000t mallet!] "CHAOS...!!!"
Hotaru: [with Silence Glaive!] "CHAOS-CHAN...!!!"
Chaos: o.O [eep!] "Um...Jo'o-sama?"
Mayhem: "You were saying, Pesti-chan?"
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "A-Ano...."
Pesti: "See, Chaos? I hate to break it to you...no, *Beans* has always been the one to literally break it to you. The lake god is hers. Period."
Chaos: "Since when has she ever voiced such objections over me taking *my* lake god home to our apartment?"
[A Fanboys! Rant: Interrupting "Begging Favours"]
Beans: "What the hell are you doing here again?!"
Chaos: "Beans! I should have known you were behind this! It was you who played with the tracking just to bring us here and try to stop me from stealing your lake god, which I rightly deserve as our fanfics' mascot!"
JoanM: [sweatdrop!] "Na ni? Who are these people?!"
Beans: [lobbing terrified octopuses at Chaos!] "Take this! And this! And this and this and this and this and this!"
Chaos: [now covered in terrified octopuses] "I sense hostility over me taking the lake god."
Pesti: "Believe us now, Chaos?"
Chaos: "Hmmm...she must have been delirious from trying to write that lemon for Setsuna. I'm sure she'll regain her senses soon enough and hand that aquarium over."
[Cue the facevaults!]
Dark Mayhem: [dousing himself with warm water] "Give it up, Pesti-chan. Even when given a clue, Chaos has still never figured out what to do with it."
[Oscar: Resurrection, Moviefic 1]
"And right here, in this state of the art containment aquarium, I have a place ready to house a lake god!" Chaos cackled, launching into a scary but dumb-looking SD version of himself as he launched into a Katsuhiko Jinnai cackle. "MWAH HAH HA HAH HAH HA!!! Now Beans will have no choice but to hand over her lake god to me to ensure that this precious and priceless collection of Anime gods remains together!"
Mayhem turned to the underlord in training. "Pesti-chan."
"Don't ask. Just duck."
"HER LAKE GOD WILL BE MINE!! MWAH HAH HA HA HA HAH HA HA H-!!!!"
Chaos' Jinnai cackle came to an abrupt end as suddenly a terrified flying octopus smacked Chaos in the forehead and latched onto his face.
"You were saying?" Mayhem remarked, unable to hide his amused grin.
"Hush, Newt-boy!" Chaos said, going SD and sticking his tongue out at Mayhem. He grabbed the remote control of the gods and started punching the channel buttons. "Ha ha! I have you now, my pretty! And your little lake god too!"
"There it is," Chaos sighed, watching the waters of the aquarium burble at him. "Oh look, and she's got all kinds of kawaii little fishies too! How thoughtful of her to leave these for me!"
The other two fanboys warily stepped back from the tank.
Chaos stuck his fingers into the water and splashed them around. "Ohayo, little lake god fishies! How are you feeling to--KYAAAAAA!!"
Mayhem and Pesti-chan swatted aside their sweatdrops as the burbling waters exploded into a frothing frenzy, and nearly yanked Chaos into the aquarium.
"KYAAA!!" a bug-eyed SD Chaos shrieked. "BEANS ARMED THIS THING WITH PIRANHAS!!! TASUKETEEEE!!!"
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