"It was but a bright and beautiful morning--not the typical dark and stormy night you always hear about. Of course, having a raging storm would have made a cool opening. But are we lucky enough to get something like that? Noooooooo!!!"
"Chaos, you’re ranting again."
"What? Oh, perhaps I should introduce myself first before I rant and rave any further. To be honest I'm known among my friends as Chaos. Lord Chaos. Yeah, it's a nickname. And along here with me are Lord Mayhem and our underlord-in-training, Pestilence."
"Ohayo gozaimasu!"
"Mayhem, what did you do that for? I doubt they can understand Japanese."
"It's a learning component."
"Mayhem, you idiot. They didn't come here to learn!"
"You're just jealous."
"Hey, guys; what about the story?"
"Hang on, Pesti-chan."
"...So like I was saying..."
"Who's speaking now?"
"I can't tell! There's too many quotation marks!"
"This is all your fault, you realize."
"My fault, Pesti-chan?!"
"Um, I didn't say anything."
"Then it was you, Mayhem!"
"I didn't say anything either."
"Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of everyone else?"
"You don't need any help from us."
"Damn right! I don't need any help from--HEY!!"
"Can we get back to the story?"
"Okay okay okay! Chaos here. We're back! And we have with us tonight a bizarre story that has us three Sailor Moon fanboys in a large pinch, as they say in Japan. I love how they say that, don't you? `Peen-cha'; sounds so cute!"
"Um, Chaos? You're ranting again."
"Sorry. Anyways, we've got a tale to tell you. One that we're still kinda trapped in. I guess now's not a good time to bring up that moral of 'be careful what you wish for', is it?"
"Doubtful, Chaos. Very doubtful."
"Anyways, here it is: Curse of the Fanboys! Enjoy!"
"Psssst, do you think we'll get fan service?"
"Mayhem, you hentai!!"


Act One: Baby.

Empty bottles of beer and Hard Lemonade lined the coffee table and the kitchen counter. The television was still on, broadcasting nothing but mute static; all around it were tapes and cases broadcasting titles of Anime programs--rented and otherwise. Aside from the sunshine peering in through the large vertical blinds nothing much was happening in the apartment.
A very groggy fanboy stirred from beneath the covers of his sleeping bag, rolling over and discovering just how little space there really was on a cot when compared to a mattress. With an audible WHUMP! the lumpy sleeping bag hit the floor.
From somewhere underneath the folds of sleeping bag came a muttered "ouch" and finally roused himself to gather enough wits to actually find a way out.
"I had the nastiest dream," he muttered, nursing a slight hangover from all the Hard Lemonade. "There was this legion of Naga clones from Slayers and they...were all...laughing."
"Pretend they're all wearing party hats and go back to bed," his friend muttered, rolling over on the futon couch cum bed. "Let me sleep just a little longer, Chaos."
They had normal everyday names, but then again Otaku have always been far from normal, ne? With personalized pseudonyms, they had bonded together in their love of Anime.
Chaos glanced up as the youngest of the three walked out from the bathroom hall. "How can you be so energetic this early in the morning, Pesti-chan?" he exclaimed, searching for a zipper that was supposed to come with the sleeping bag.
"It's one in the afternoon," little Pestilence a.k.a. Pesti-chan answered. "You know, you would be a little more energetic if you hadn't been dancing around the apartment to Fushigi Yuugi's closing theme song."
"Could you be a little more considerate?" mumbled Mayhem, rolling over and stuffing a pillow over his face. "I want time to be alone with my hangover."
Pesti-chan sighed, collapsing back into a chair. "You know you've watched too much Anime when you dream in Japanese with English subtitles."
[Fanboy's note: this has happened on one occasion to me. Just goes to show what happens with 8 hours of non-stop Anime!]
Meanwhile Lord Chaos had managed to actually get a leg out of the sleeping bag--though not much else, now with his head somewhere in the middle of the sleeping bag's pocket.
"What is this?" he exclaimed. "Child proof?"
"That would explain a few things," mumbled Mayhem once more.
With another beleaguered sigh Pesti-chan walked over and freed the Lord Chaos from the sleeping bag by use of a fancy little gadget otherwise known as a zipper.
"There oughta be a warning label on those things," Chaos growled, scratching his bedhead.
Pesti-chan grimaced. "Chaos, you look like shit."
He nodded. "Thanks for the sentiment. I love waking up to such a cheery remark."
"Well it's true," Pesti-chan replied. "I mean, just how many Hard Lemonade's did you have last night--or earlier this morning?"
Chaos glanced up at the ceiling as he ticked off his fingers: one, two, and--
"Seven, I think," he answered. "I'm a little foggy after we watched Rayearth and discussed a hundred and one ways to kill Mokona."
"What do you expect at four-thirty in the morning?" came Mayhem's muffled voice from beneath the pillow. "Now for the love of Kami-sama, let me sleep!"
Chaos lobbed a pillow at the futon. "You never were a morning person, Mayhem--even in the afternoon."
Pesti-chan moved to turn off the television and then proceeded to draw back the vertical blinds covering the sliding windows. Sunlight poured into the apartment.
"Pesti-chan, are you trying to blind me?" Chaos exclaimed, tumbling backwards.
Pesti-chan glanced back at the scenery presented to them from the sliding glass window. And then he noticed something out of the ordinary, and being the only relatively sober one of the three was able to realize that the city had made a few subtle changes overnight.
"Um...Chaos?" he asked. "When did we have the Eiffel Tower in our window?"
Lord Chaos slowly peeled himself off the floor and took a quick glance at the new-found cityscape. "That's not the Eiffel Tower," Chaos remarked, yawning. "That's the Tokyo Tower. We must be in Japan and not France."
"And here I was hoping to buy some baguettes," Mayhem muttered. "Would you two please shut up and let me dream of kawaii, little Ami-chan?"
And then something actually managed to click in all there minds. Three sets of eyes bugged out as they all stared at each other. Seconds later three little super-deformed fanboys pressed their faces against the glass.
Lord Chaos glanced at Mayhem. "Lucky Kitty gym shorts, Mayhem?" he remarked, unable to suppress his grin. "Please don't schwing in my general direction."
"I get chills if I don't wear them," Mayhem protested.
"Um, guys," Pesti-chan said. "Can we focus on the big Tokyo Tower that shouldn't be here in Toronto?"
"This is like something out of the Twilight Zone!" Chaos exclaimed. "What in the hell is this?"
"It ain't Miyuki-chan in Wonderland, that's for sure," Mayhem remarked.
Chaos shot him a look. "Oh yeah, that's my ambition in life: to play strip chess with my reflection."
"I don't want you to play strip chess with yourself!" Mayhem countered. "You have no breasts."
"Now is not the time to be thinking hentai," Pesti-chan cut in. "We need to find some kind of solution to this."
"Maybe we're all in some kind of Escaflowne-ish dream," Mayhem offered.
"If a huge firebreathing dragon comes knocking on our door and claims to be a Jehovah's Witness..." Chaos said.
"This is getting us nowhere fast," Mayhem said.
Which in itself is an impressive feat considering you need to actually be starting somewhere in the first place before you can even think about getting to nowhere regardless of speed. Or even with an in-flight movie.
"I have an idea!" Pesti-chan exclaimed. "Let's go into rapid conversation mode!"
Chaos: "Anyone care to explain it?"
Pesti: "Maybe it's like a twist in the fabric of space and time. A portal opened up, swallowing the three of us. It's like The Last Action Hero."
Chaos: "The Last what?"
Pesti: "You know, that one flick with Schwarzenaggar where to the people inside the movie, the events are reality. And some kid got trapped in a movie, and then brought out the characters into reality."
Chaos: "Strange. Why don't I remember it?"
Mayhem: "Very little Ah-nold violence and swearing."
Chaos: "Ah! That explains why. So what's with this portal business then?"
Mayhem: "We might be inside the television, living out our fantasies and their realities. A black hole or transdimensional portal could have easily sucked us into this alternate world of our dreams."
Chaos: "Anyone else besides Stephen Hawkings here want to take another crack at this?"
Mayhem: "Let's get out of this rapid conversation mode first. I'm getting dizzy."
Chaos sighed, flopping down on his cot and missing it entirely. His hands and eyebrows twitched upon striking the wooden parquet floor.
"What if we're not actually in the television series, or even in the Sailor Moon realm?" Pestilence suggested. "What if this all a part of some twisted person's mind, and we're just pawns in some kind of Sailor Moon fanfic gone awry?"
For a moment Lords Chaos and Mayhem stared long and hard at their little underlord in training. And then they both burst out laughing so hard they nearly wet themselves.
"Oh come on, Pesti-chan!" Chaos exclaimed. "That has to be lamest idea I have ever heard!! Trapped in someone else's fanfic; now that's funny!"
"Cool," Mayhem remarked. "Pesti-chan, you've got a big sweatdrop next to your forehead!"
Pesti-chan glanced over beside himself and there it was: the big Anime sweatdrop. Upon a whim, Chaos poked the hovering sweatdrop and promptly drenched them both.
"Oops," Chaos said.
"Yeah," Pesti-chan agreed. "Oops. Now I have to go shower again."
"Gomen!" Chaos laughed. "Hey, Mayhem, where'd you go?"
He and Chaos slowly looked down to the floor, where a drenched and thoroughly unimpressed, six-inch long newt glared up at them. The newt impatiently tapped its foot.
"He's got a Jusenkyo curse!" Pestilence exclaimed. "We must be in an alternate Anime dimension after all!"
"Spring of Drowned Newt?" Chaos said with a laugh. "That's a new one. It's worse than Johnny Pantyhose!"
Pulling out a kettle full of warm water, the Mayhem newt doused himself and returned to his normal state. "This is so humiliating," he said. "Why couldn't it have been Spring of Drowned Tiger, or something cooler than a...a newt."
Pesti-chan turned to Chaos. "Can a newt even drown?"
Chaos shrugged. "Apparently so."

* * *

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