It was later in the evening, and our three fanboys were now marching through a park towards their meeting place for their picnic with the famed alter-ego's of the Sailor Senshi. Luckily, they had managed to unanimously drop off Rampage at the local Cat Cafe, where no doubt the old ghoul (named Perfume or Ointment or something like that) in charge was busy trying to turn her into a boiled, SD godzilla-thingy.
"Okay," Pesti-chan said, appraising their new map. "Now we're supposed to meet the girls here."
They paused, looking up at the entrance to an enormous hedge maze right in the middle of the park.
"When did this get here?" Chaos asked.
"Apparently this big hedge maze is all the rage in Tokyo," Mayhem said.
"Funny," Chaos remarked. "I don't recall hearing anything about it until now."
"You never do until it's used in a one episode deal," Mayhem replied. "Guaranteed that some poor fool will get their beautiful dreams invaded, and that's the last we'll ever hear of this maze."
Pesti-chan nudged his sensei of Mass Destruction. "Ne, Chaos, check that weird guy out."
The man was rather gaudily dressed in a brown, tweed suit and really thick glasses and a rather strange hairdo.
"Ne, Chaos," Pesti-chan whispered, nudging his overlord sensei. "Is it just me or does that guy have an orange-tinted hair colour?"
"What's so weird about that?" Mayhem asked. "Ami-chan's is beautiful blue!"
Seconds later Chaos doused a handful of fountain water on top of Mayhem, sighing as stared down at the rather P.O.'ed newt. "You keep talking about her, and I'm going to step on you myself."
Bringing out a spare kettle of steaming water he just happened to have handy for such emergencies, Mayhem returned to his normal state.
"You know, Chaos, you and Pesti-chan talk about Makoto just as much as I do about Ami-chan."
Pesti-chan made a face. "Yeah, but at least we don't go around naked in public. Put your clothes back on, Mayhem!"
And so Mayhem discovered the wonderful drawbacks to having a Jusenkyo curse and quickly dressed up again before anyone came along and screamed "HENTAI!!" Which in retrospect wouldn't have been that far from the truth. But as Mayhem put his shirt back on, the rather conspicuous man stopped before them.
"Ex-ah-key-use-a me," the man said. "Wha ti-muh sit now-ah?"
"Is he speaking English?" Chaos asked.
"Really hammy English, I think," Pesti-chan said.
"He said 'what time is it now?'," Mayhem explained, chuckling. "You know, the only guy I've ever known to speak English that corny is HawksEye from...the Dead Moon...circus."
From behind his glasses, the man's eyes narrowed. "What? You know me? Then that saves the introductions."
Three fanboys swallowed hard.
"We a-ru yo-ru tar-u-get-sah, ne?" Chaos said, exploding into nervous giggles. Mayhem and Pestilence slapped him across the back of the head for stating the obvious.
HawksEye grinned and nodded. "And all three of you have beautiful dreams," he said.
Three sets of eyes went into deformed mode, bugging out incredibly as the rolling carpet was thrown in front of HawksEye for the transformation. And this time he had a whip with him.
Chaos: "Can we cut to an eye catch?"
Mayhem: "That's how we ended part one!"
Pesti: "What should we do?"
Mayhem: "Um...we could run."
Chaos: "Running's good!"
And so our oh so heroic fanboys did what anyone would have done in that same situation:
All: "Run away! Run away!"
Chaos: "Where's a holy hand grenade when you need one?!"
And so with terror in their hearts, a curse for predictable plot lines and still no idea absolutely where in the hell they were going, our three fanboys took safe haven into the most ridiculous of places: the hedge maze. On the bright side, at least they managed to lose HawksEye, not to mention themselves and each other.
Pesti: "No this way!"
Mayhem: "Which way?
Chaos: "I thought FishEye would have gone after us! Isn't that the one who goes after all the guys?"
Mayhem: "Do you want FishEye trying to fondle us, you pervert?"
Chaos: "This way out! Mokona?! Woah, wrong way!"
Pesti: "Where's B-ko's Akigiyama missiles when you need them?!"
Mayhem: "Where's Napoleon the tank when you need him?!"
Chaos: "Oh great! I don't believe it! We know every stupid plot gimmick and we still get caught in this stupid maze! Mayhem, where are you?"
Mayhem: "Over here."
Pesti: "No, here!"
HawksEye: "Come out, come out! How can I look into your beautiful dreams with you hiding?"
Chaos: "What's this place called anyways?"
Pesti: "The 'Labyrinth of Wonder', I think."
Chaos: "DO I SOUND LIKE I'M HAVING A FUCKING WONDERFUL TIME?!?!?!"
Mayhem: "Chaos, please! Children could be viewing this!"
Chaos: "Do you honestly think I give a [beep!] [beep!] you [beep!] [beep!] [beep!]--"
[Technical difficulties with the censor board. Please stand by.]
"Will you stop going into super deformed mode, already?" an exasperated Pestilence said. "Geez, you're like Umi from Rayearth half the time. It's a wonder she's not a permanent midget from all the SD transforming."
A Lord Chaos with an oversized head glared down at his underlord-in-training. "I wouldn't be Super Deformed if we could get out from this damned wonderful maze!!!"
"If you want we could call this the Go Nagai memorial hedge maze," Mayhem suggested.
At that exact instant, Kekko Kamen rushed across the scene, chased by the perverted Principal and Teacher Bob.
Chaos: "The words 'courtesy breasts' suddenly springs to mind."
Mayhem: "That's not the only the only springing around here."
Both: "Gainax Bounce!"
Pesti: "Um guys, remember the big evil man with bad English pronounciation wanting to kill us?"
"Oh yeah," Mayhem said, escaping the rapid dialogue mode. "That too."
"How are we going to escape?" Chaos lamented. "I'm too young to die! I haven't seen the Fushigi Yugi part 2 series yet!"
Pesti-chan's face brightened. "Idea!"
He suddenly pulled out an oversized wooden mallet and promptly turned HawksEye into a tiny little pancake with oversized, stunned eyeballs.
"Where'd you get that?" Chaos asked.
Pesti-chan shrugged. "Pan-dimensional Anime mallet. It's like using the Force."
"How dare you insult me like this!" HawksEye exclaimed. "Come out, my Lemures: Saji, Saji-chan!"
Seconds later out from his shadow popped up this big female monster in the shape of a rather familiar utensil.
Chaos' eyes bugged out. "'Spoon-chan'?! That's our enemy of the day?!"
"What in the?" Pesti-chan said, shaking his head. "These monsters are even worse than the guys who call them up!"
Chaos groaned. "You know, for once I wish they could have some cool evil creature, like a Shinma from Vampire Princess Miyu."
"At least these aren't the Sailorstars' Farce monsters," Mayhem said.
Chaos shook his head. "Well, the way they looked they deserved to be called Farces. But this comes close. I mean, what's she supposed to do in a circus? Bend herself?!"
"QUIET!!" HawksEye exclaimed. "Never before have I been so completely ignored! I'm here to steal into your beautiful dreams! Pay attention to me!!"
Suddenly a loud lady's voice shouted out:
"The park is a place for times of enjoyment with friends!"
"Rei?" Chaos mused.
"A maze is meant to offer a challenge to the mind, not to be a place of fear!"
"Ami-chan?" Mayhem asked.
"How dare you interrupt the childhood innocence here!"
"Mako-chan!" Pesti-chan squeaked excitedly, his nose blowing another geyser.
"And cute guys are not meant to be chased around like this!"
The three fanboys simply turned to each other. "Minako," they chorused. "It could only be her."
Sailor Moon did the usual spiel, "Agents of love and justice! Pretty Sailor Soldiers!" And with that trademark gesture, "In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"
"Someone really oughta find the writers for these opening lines and shoot them," Chaos sighed.
Mayhem nodded. "Hai...."
HawksEye growled. "Damn. Saji-chan, you take care of these Sailor Senshi. And as for you three boys, we-ah'll be-ah ba-ku lay-tu-rah!"
HawksEye did the usual dumb badguy stunt of disappearing to let the Lemures monster of the Day beat up the good girls. Which is an impossibility if you're going up against the main heroine characters of the story. And so the Sailor Senshi joined the fracas, tearing apart the hedge maze with enough holes that our three fanboys could finally see the exits.
"Look!" Pesti-chan said. "We really should have taken that last right after all!"
Chaos and Mayhem were too busy admiring the cleavage shots of their queen goddesses Sailors Jupiter and Mercury.
"We really have to love those nautical but nice sailor fukus," Mayhem said. "They're so...so...."
"Hentai?" Chaos suggested suspiciously.
Mayhem nodded. "Not as much, but close."
Suddenly Spoon-chan produced a whole series of ladels and began to beat back the Senshi, scooping them up and flinging them across the maze like they were pieces hamburger in a tomato soup.
"They're losing the battle!" Pesti-chan exclaimed. "We have no other choice but to get involved. Chaos, they need Fanboy Planet Power!"
"Why me?" Chaos whined, sprouting his cat ears and tail.
"Because if Ami-chan gets hurt," Mayhem growled. "I'm going to see if you're as immortal as Yakumo."
"Chaos," Pesti-chan said. "We must save Mako-chan! But if you try to cop another feel from her--"
"Yare yare," his lordship Chaos groaned. "Okay, I'll do it. Just give me a moment." He moved out to a clear space where he could transform. "I could have had cool fighting powers like Street Fighter II V or else the Saiyans in Dragon Ball Z," he muttered darkly. "Hell, why not a psychic force from X the movie? But does that happen to me? Nooooo..."
"Anytime now, Chaos!"
"I swear I'll mail him Taikuhi for Christmas," Chaos growled, pulling out his transformation stick. "Fanboy Planet Power, Make up."
"With enthusiasm!" Mayhem piped up.
And thus Lord Chaos became Lady Chaos with a transformation sequence that took about a minute to show to the viewers but apparently takes only a second in Anime-standard time. The now female fuku-clad Chaos leaped into the battle, trying to attack the Spoon-chan monster with an oversized fork. Meanwhile, Mayhem and Pesti-chan went to work helping up the other Sailor Senshi.
"You know," Mayhem sighed wistfully. "I really wish they had the same transformation sequences as Devil Hunter Yokho."
"Will you stop mentally undressing them and give us a little help?!" Chaos exclaimed, pulling out an oversized Swiss army knife and trying to figure out which one was the big pair of scissors.
"You're a Sailor Senshi!" Pesti-chan shouted. "Use your powers!"
Chaos rolled his eyes. "How?"
"Just point, shout something stupid, and shoot!"
Chaos tossed the Swiss army knife over his shoulder, destroying that pesky, reappearing sweatdrop. Throwing out his hands he shouted the first thing that came to mind:
"Dill Pickle Brand!"
And with that an enormous green blast of energy that turned itself into a rampaging dill pickle charged towards the Spoon-can monster. Spoon-chan screamed.
"You used Lina Inverse's spell?" Mayhem chided, walking over to Chaos. "How unoriginal."
"Would you rather I use Sailor Star Maker's Gentle Uterus attack?" Chaos chuckled.
They both broke down in laughter. "How can a gentle uterus fight evil?!" the chorused.
Seconds later, a scream from Pesti-chan caused everyone in the hedge maze to be silent. Chaos' eyes did another big ballooning as they saw the smoking remains of Pesti-chan as the Dill Pickle attack pounded the little underlord-in-training into a large, smoldering crater. Unfortunately Pesti-chan had been in the line of fire at the time and was now suffering dearly for it.
"Kamui!" the Sailor Senshi exclaimed.
"Pestilence!" Chaos shouted. "Oh man, his mom's gonna kill us for getting him fried like this!"
"Hold on," Mayhem said, pointing to the crater. "Look: he survived."
Yes, lo and behold we were not minus one fanboy for the remainder of this story. By some miracle--or else that fact that all Anime characters are incredibly resilient to such injuries--Pesti-chan was still alive.
Underlord-in-training Pestilence slowly stood up, a dark smile across his face. He was glowing with some sort of battle aura. "I may not be very strong or know how to fight," he said. "But I do have one little trick I know."
"Why does this sound so familiar?" Chaos whispered.
"It sounds like it's from Bakuretsu Hunter," Mayhem mused.
Their eyes widened. "Masaka!" they exclaimed.
Pestilence was slowly starting to stand taller. "When I get hit by magic, I become a little...dangerous." And then came the cool music that accompanied Pesti-chan's transformation as he grew horns, fur, and turned into a gigantic, mean variation of the Minotaur.
"Oh, this is just great!" Chaos exclaimed. "He gets Carrot's Zoantropy, and I get stuck as Sailor Dragqueen!"
"But you make such a cute Sailor Dragqueen," Mayhem teased, groping Chaos' breasts.
Mayhem was promptly sent flying into the air by Chaos' uppercut. "Hentai!"
Well, suffice to say the Lemures of the Day did not last much longer, having one chance for balloon eyes before discovering what it's like to be toejam.
Chaos winced. "Ouch. Does Pesti-chan have to stomp on them that hard?"
"I'd say death was instantaneous for poor Spoon-chan," Mayhem remarked. "Now she'll never make her big break into Campbell soup commercials. Either way, I fear what happens if he goes King Kong and tried to climb up Tokyo Tower with Makoto."
Lord Chaos stared up at the Zoantropied Pestilence, who was busy beating his hairy chest. "No way he gets my babe! So how do we deflate him?"
Mayhem smiled and handed Chaos a large bulwhip. "And remember, he has to call you 'The Queen'."
Chaos growled, adjusting his--er, her sailor jumpsuit. "Die, Pesti-chan."
[Fanboy's note: wouldn't it just be evil to cut the scene right here?]