The late evening found our three fanboys wearily dragging themselves back into their apartment after such an eventful time at the Maze of Wonder.
"Well," Pesti-chan said, slamming the door behind them. "That was a fiasco if I don't mind saying so. You didn't have to whip me that much, Chaos!"
[Fanboy's note: work with it, people!]
Chaos paused at one of the shelves next to their living room wall now proudly displayed an aquarium full of fish and burbling water deity. "Well, we have our lake god," he remarked happily, tapping the glass. The water burbled in response.
"Don't antagonize it," Mayhem cautioned. "I don't want killer seaweed trying to eat us during the night."
Pesti-chan flopped down onto the couch, nursing his bruised body. "Refresh my memory: how exactly did we explain this to Usagi and company? I was unconscious at the time...no thanks to you, Chaos!"
"Hey, at least you're don't have to wear a skirt half the time!" his lordship Chaos shot back.
"Daijobu, Pesti-chan," Mayhem answered. "We said you were taking steroids laced with animal hormones. As for Sailor Dragqueen--"
"--well, the advantage there is that we can let them wonder until we think up a good excuse. It might take weeks at this rate. Either way, we're not here for a one-episode deal. You'd think we're destined to do something with the series now."
Chaos: "Cool! This might be the start of our own series hybrid!"
Pesti: "Wouldn't that make it a spin-off?"
Mayhem: "Nah. Us fanboys are going to turn the series into a different direction."
Chaos: "Excuse me, but I don't exactly want to get my star seed ripped out from my head by Galaxia. What do you plan to do when she comes and does that?"
Chaos: "You instill so much confidence for me."
Pesti: "What we need is a really bitching opening like Gundam Wing's 'Just Communication'."
Mayhem: "Where are we going to get the Mechas for that?"
Chaos: "Vive le Deathscythe!"
Mayhem: "Chaos, will you cut that out? You and your stupid Deathscythe obsession."
Pesti: "Enough with the rapid dialogue bit. I'm getting a migraine."
Suddenly the computer began beeping with an incoming transmission.
"Check it out!" Mayhem exclaimed. "We've got E-mail!"
"But who knows of our mailing address?" Pesti-chan asked.
"Does it matter?" Chaos said, taking a seat in front of the keyboard. "Maybe it's the same person responsible for dropping off Rampage at our doorstop, finding a way to curse Mayhem with Jusenkyo's Spring of Drowned Newt, and mailed me a dragqueen transformation stick."
"You sound just slightly hostile," Pesti-chan remarked.
The note came onto the screen.
"It's a letter from Greenbeans!" Chaos exclaimed happily. "Let's see: 'Dear Fanboys: what exactly do you think you're doing with my lake god in your fanfic? This theft is unforgiveable. I'm going to hunt you down and beat you up later with knives. Really big knives.'"
"Kowai!!" Mayhem whimpered, cowering behind the chair.
Pesti-chan sighed. "I told you we shouldn't have stolen her lake god."
"Oh fine time for you to say it now, Pesti-chan!"
"I said it then."
"This is getting us nowhere."
"Hold on, I'm trying to erase our E-mail address."
"Okay, who let our mascot back into our apartment?!"
"Stop her, somebody, stop her!
"She's eating the coffee table!"
"'Pardon me boys, is that the Chatenooga Chu Chu?'"
"That wasn't me."
"Who's talking now?"
"We're drowning in quotation marks!"
[The beginning of the end of the beginning...kind of...we think. Until a possible next time!]
It was a nice Sunday afternoon in the apartment of our three favorite fanboys. So, as they sat around the living room drinking their hard lemonade--while Chaos tried to pull his arm out of Rampage's bottomless stomach--the fanboys decided to start up an important aspect of their new lives:
"Well then," Mayhem said, taking a swig of his lemonade. "Now that you're a Sailor Senshi more or less, we need a place for you. Hmmmm, let me think. How about planet X?"
Chaos drew up his arm and made a face at the drool of Rampage left on it. "That's a star, you moron. There never was a 10th planet. Besides I think Nemesis from Sailor Moon R took that spot anyways."
"What about an Asteroid?" Pestilence suggested.
"Can't," Mayhem countered. "The four available spaces will be taken in later Super S episodes from this one."
"I thought that the Asteriod Senshi only appeared in the manga," Chaos remarked, washing off his hand in the sink.
Mayhem shrugged. "Either way it's best not to incur the wrath of the Naoko Takeuchi. We haven't seen the final episodes, and Hitoshi Doi barely had any info on them."
"This is taking us too long," Chaos said, exasperated. "Let's revert to rapid conversation mode again."
Pesti: "How about Sailor Sun?"
Chaos: "Oh no; remember the rules of Tim Nolan, Jackie Chiang and Greenbeans? There must never EVER be a Sailor Sun, under penalty of being beaten to death by your own umbrella."
Pesti: "Is that true?"
Mayhem: "Except for the umbrella thing, yes. Besides, in Greek mythology Helios is a god of the sun. Technically that position's been taken, since Pegasus turns out to be Helios."
Pesti: "So then what are we left with?"
Mayhem: "Oh! Oh! I got it! I got it!"
Chaos: "Hurry up Mayhem or you're going to wet yourself."
Mayhem: "You could be the guardian of Haley's Comet! It's a celestial body flying around out there, and what's more no one's ever thought of using it!"
Chaos: "Haley's Comet?"
Chaos: "You want me to guard Haley's comet?"
Chaos: "Mayhem, I'm being very sincere when I say...ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR [beep!]ING MIND??!! Haley's Comet shows up every 76 years and this is not one of them! What in the hell am I doing here then?!"
Chaos: "I detest you right now."
Mayhem: "Why? Because I at least have the ideas?"
Chaos: "No. Because that's the only good one we've had."
Suddenly the doorbell rang again.
"Oh no!" Chaos screamed, valiantly throwing himself behind Mayhem for protection. "Beans found out where we live! She's gonna beat us with big knives!!"
"I vote we let her beat you up," Mayhem remarked, trying to peel his weenieship Chaos off.
"Got my vote," Pesti-chan seconded.
"Traitors!" Chaos sulked.
"Maybe we're getting another mascot," Mayhem offered.
"Heaven forbid," Pesti-chan remarked, walking over to the door. "With our luck it'll be something like Anarchy."
Well, (surprise surprise) there was no mailman. Just a letter addressed to the underlord-in-training.
"What is it?" Chaos asked.
Pesti-chan opened up the envelope and read the contents. "It's a letter from NERV," he replied. "Apparently I'm the sixth child."
"Excuse me?" Mayhem said. "NERV?"
"He gets an Eva?!" Chaos lamented.
"I told you I saw Ayanami Rei," the underlord-in-training said smugly.
"Oh I don't believe this!" Chaos exclaimed. "He gets Zoantropy and now an Eva?! Where's my Weapon of Mass Destruction?!"
"Chewing on your arm, I believe," Mayhem replied.
Chaos glanced down and glared at the kawaii little Rampage who was indeed drooling all over his sleeve as she tried to use him as a teething ring.
"AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!! LEGGO RAMPAGE! SIT! PLAY DEAD! HEEL! NOT MY HEEL, YOU DUMB MASCOT! TASUKETE....!!!!!"
Curse of the Fanboys 2!
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