"Well," Mayhem remarked at lunch. "You two nicely made asses of yourselves once again. Every time Makoto starts to like you guys again, you do something like this."
"Hush, Newt-boy," Chaos sulked, still trying to comb out the footprint from his hair. "Don't these things come out?!"
"Well," Pesti-chan admitted, thoughtfully eating his lunch. "The point is that we've at least declared our love for Mako-chan. You still have to do that, Mayhem."
"I'm biding my time," Mayhem replied, sucking on a piece of noodle that had no end. "
"Oh, right," Chaos teased. "You're just as terrified of scaring her off as she is of actually dating."
"But enough with that for the moment," Mayhem said, waving it aside. "I got this idea in class today! The way I see it, someone out there's trying to make a successful Sailor Moon slasher fanfic, and we need to observe that the rules for such a thing are followed properly."
Chaos stared blankly with oversized eyes at Mayhem, completely oblivious to the fact that Rampage had now eaten not only his lunch but also the bento box.
"Mayhem," he said, trying to shake off Rampage from polishing off his chopsticks. "there is no such thing as a Sailor Moon Slasher fanfic? How in the hell could you have rules for it then?!"
"Rule number one: any Senshi is fair game to be killed or to be a killer."
"Mayhem, you're frightening your fellow lords of Mass Destruction," Chaos said, slowly moving away.
"Rule number two: the deaths need to actually be gory, not just using those pithy sailor attacks."
"Mayhem, are you listening to me?" a SD Chaos asked.
"Rule number three: we need a phone caller who says 'who's your favorite Sailor Senshi?'"
By now Mayhem was really into his spiel. "Think about it, you guys! The possibilities are limitless! We can have psychotically obsessed Senshi trying to hack everyone else to pieces."
"Hello?" the SD Chaos asked.
"When he gets like this you know the only thing stopping him is a pan dimensional mallet," Pesti-chan remarked, chewing on a chicken ball. "Shall I smite him for you, Chaos?"
"Now all we need is a name. How about 'Sailor Scream': someone's taken their love of Usagi one step too far."
"This sounds like a plug for a new fanfic," Pesti-chan remarked.
[Fanboy's note: perhaps it shall happen. I mean, I do have a life outside of these fanfics...kind of...maybe...um, oh look! A plot twist!]
"We can't be enemies!" a Super Deformed Chaos exclaimed, bouncing around the school courtyard. "We're fanboys! I will not allow any of them to be mercilessly slaughtered. Especially Mako-chan!"
The entire schoolyard grew deafly silent as Mayhem & Pesti-chan watched hiragana for the "Whoooooooo" of the winds blow by. Chaos' entire face became nothing but a pair of eyes wearing some hair.
"Don't worry," Mayhem explained. "He's just having a psychotic episode!"
Chaos crossed his arms over his chest, sulking as he flicked away another of those damned sweatdrops. "Hmph! Well I at least can come up with a better idea. How about a neat twist where Usagi opens up this book and gets whisked away to this magical fantasy world where she has to gather a bunch of Sailor Senshi to call a god named Suzaku and get her three wishes granted?"
Pesti-chan cocked an eyebrow. "And what would you intend to call this fanfic?"
Seconds later his lordship Chaos found himself buried head-first in the nearby periwinkle patch.
Mayhem handed the pan-dimensional mallet back to Pesti-chan. "Hmmm...I overshot the daffodils. Must have been the crosswinds."
Pesti-chan nodded. "But you've got nice follow-through."
After cleaning off his lordship Chaos, who was now starting to think and act as if he was a large sunflower, our three fanboys started back to their classrooms.
Suddenly, as only a higher power could plan it, the scattered clouds parted to let a beam of sunlight fall upon a part of the school courtyard. And there, perfectly innocent and angelic, was Ami-chan sitting in the shade of a tree as she read one of her textbooks.
Chaos: "Look, there she is! Just go ask her for a date!"
Mayhem: "She's reading! I don't want to disturb her!"
Pesti: "Think of something witty."
Chaos: "Yeah! Like 'I can do a magic trick and turn into a newt'!"
Pesti: "Chaos! Go on, Mayhem! She's right there!"
Mayhem: "But I--"
Chaos: "Will you just go and ask her!"
Before his lordship Mayhem even had time to ask, Chaos & Pesti-chan booted him across the courtyard. And with a graceful faceplant into the tree, Mayhem made his grand entrance.
"Daijobu?" Ami-chan asked, leaning over his twitching body.
Mayhem got up and opened his mouth to desperate try to say something...anything.
"Yes?" Ami-chan asked.
And then Mayhem turned into an enormous stone gargoyle.
"Yes," Chaos chuckled, ribbing Mayhem of marble. "Say something, Newt-boy!"
After quickly sending Chaos to the moon to examine the ruins of the Silver Moon Kingdom, Mayhem desperately tried once again to say something...anything.
Ami-chan's big blue eyes expectantly looked into his suddenly crying Bambi eyes. "Yes?"
And then his lordship Mayhem, master of witty rhetoric, spoke: "Um, my pet is very sick."
Ami-chan gave him a confused look. "Excuse me?"
By now Mayhem had absolutely no idea what the hell he was doing, so he discreetly slipped out of the scene by running straight through a nearby tree.
Chaos and Pesti-chan, new featuring oversized eyeballs, slowly stared at each other and then back to Ami. Quietly they shuffled after their fellow Lord of Mass Destruction.
"Okay, so you screwed up this one time," Chaos said, finally catching up with Mayhem. "It happens to all of us."
"Why the hell did I say that?" Mayhem exclaimed. "Chaos, Rampage isn't even our pet; she's a mascot sent to us through the mail! I had everything perfect to say and I freaked. This has never happened to me before!"
"I say blame the guy who created and threw us into this fanfic," Pesti-chan said. "It's his evil and demented way of creating character interest by giving you a deliberate fault. Let us smite him!"
[Fanboy's note: author nonchalantly takes a sudden trip to Aculpulco, Mexico for no apparent reason.]
Well, once again we cut right through all that useless plot exposition such as how many more of Chaos' papers Rampage-chan ate. Finally after a long day and only a few short sentences later the school day came to an end!
"It's a shame we can't meet up with our lady friends until later after school," Pesti-chan said. "They're all in after school clubs."
"What clubs are you looking into?" Mayhem asked.
"Whatever one Mako-chan's in," Chaos sighed, little hearts with wings fluttering around his head.
Rampage promptly ate them.
Pesti-chan shook his head. "Chaos, Mako-chan's on the girl's track team, specifically javelin. You don't even come remotely close to pass for a girl."
An evil smile came across Chaos' face. "Oh yeah?" he said, pulling out his transformation stick. "Fanboy Planet--"
"Not in public!" Mayhem hissed, giving Chaos a faceslam into the ground. "Do you want everyone to know your secret identity?"
"I'm thinking about joining the magic club," Pesti-chan said. "It's a small one, and the manga club is trying to take their space over, and the red-headed assistant's making passes at our club president--"
"What's so bad about that?" Chaos asked.
"Maho Tsukai Tai," Mayhem replied. "Remember, they're both guys in the Magical Hop Step series?"
Chaos winced. "Hoboy."
"What about you, Mayhem?" Pesti-chan asked.
"I was thinking about joining this one," Mayhem said, offering them a pamphlet.
"'Anything Goes Martial Arts Throw Rug Kniting'?!" Chaos and Pesti-chan chorused.
"Sumimasen," came a new voice.
Our three fanboys looked up to see a young man with shining blonde hair walking towards them. He was dressed in a black jacket and pants with a black tie, and a white dress shirt. A pair of round shades were over his eyes.
"Excuse me," the newcomer said. "My name's Karasu. Kageno Karasu. Have you by chance seen an odango-haired blonde girl named Usagi around?"
"She's in an after school club at Jyuban High," Chaos supplied, jerking his thumb back in the relative direction. "Keep going that way and just ask where the manga club is."
Karasu smiled and nodded. "Arigato gozaimasu." He slid down his shades to reveal crystal blue eyes and looked at Chaos. "Strange, but I can't help I thinking we've met before. Oh well. Ja na!"
"Nice guy," Mayhem remarked. "What was his name again?"
"Kageno Karasu," Chaos supplied.
The three fanboys paused for a moment and just stared curiously at each other. "Nah!" they finally chorused.
[Fanboys' note: no, this is not a plug for my SM fanfic series 'Tales of the Dreamworld'...no, certainly not...what ever would make you think that...?]