"HELLO! And welcome to the wide world of Hentai. I am Lord Havoc, Hentai-sama extraordinaire and your host for today's gameshow of 'What's My Perversion?'. So let's call in our first contestant!"
Havoc, what in the name of Kami-sama are you doing?!
"Oh look! It's his lordship Chaos, infamous king--or queen, I should say--of cross-dressing!"
What the hell?! That's not cross-dressing! I can't help it if I transform into a girl when I use Fanboy Planet Power! It's just a strange trick of the wand!
"Oho, so he claims. So tell me, Chaos, when did you get a kick out of wearing women's clothing?"
Wha? Now where would you get an idea like that, you pervert?!
"Well, that Chinese-style dress you're wearing right now is a dead giveaway. So tell me, are high heels really hard to walk in, or what?"
That's it! C'mere Havoc!
"Our guest appears to also have violent psychotic tendencies too! He's just pulled out a pan-dimensional mallet and is chasing your host around the room. He must really like his women's clothes to be this angry!"
GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE [beep!] [beep!], SO I CAN KICK IT!!!!
"Ha ha! You'll never be Dark Schneider, Chaos!"
Oh yeah? Look what I got here, Havoc!
"Wha--HEY! That's the bra I boosted from Misato! You give that back Chaos!"
Not a chance, Hentai!
"That's Mister Hentai to you, buddy!"
Lord Chaos here again! Here's the next part of Fanboys 2! Enjoy it...I hope.
CURSE OF THE FANBOYS 2: FANBOYS IN WONDERLAND!!!!!!!!
Act Two: Brute?
Act Two: Brute?
Well, in case you were stupid enough (and no, that's not an accusation...at least that's the story we're sticking with) not to have read part one of this story, everything was going from warped to worse for our three fanboys.
Now it's become dangerous to walk the streets as the presumed dead fanboy Havoc reappears in his eternal quest to grab the [ahem] unmentionables of every famous lady to ever grace the Anime world.
Havoc: "Today Princess Emeraude's dress, tomorrow the world!"
And I'm sure we're all glad to hear that. Moving right along, Mayhem can't seem to get a date--
Mayhem: "It's not my fault! Someone gave me a defective dating chromosome! I'm going to kill the author for this one!"
--with his beloved Ami-chan. Chaos is...well, still Chaos. And as for Pesti-chan, now all we can say is that he's gone to sleep with the Clamp creations. Namely that after an unfortunate accident, Pesti-chan decided to follow Miyuki-chan down a hole into Clamp's wonderland.
Are you all caught up?
What? You're not?! Well, tough luck.
Live with it, people!
And so we present our fanboys sitting around the living room of their apartment, debating what should be done about their missing underlord-in-training:
"It's just not fair!" a Bambi-eyed, SD Chaos cried. "Why didn't have to be him! Take me; I'm old!"
Mayhem rolled his eyes. "Chaos, you two were only a few years apart before even coming to this place."
His lordship Chaos shot Mayhem a look. "What's that supposed to mean, Mayhem?" He turned to Havoc. "And I can't believe you're ironing your stolen panties at a time this!"
"When I study them, I learn more about our favorite Anime characters," Havoc said, continuing to use the permanent press setting. "The undergarments are windows to the soul.,"
Chaos simply blinked. "I thought it was the eyes you had to look into."
Havoc shrugged and resumed ironing. "Same thing."
Mayhem shook his head, sitting down at the coffee table with some nachos and bean dip. "Look, our situation still hasn't changed. Pesti-chan's still trapped inside Wonderland and is at risk of getting Zoantropied. At least he won't have to worry about being chased by all those women; they only go for girls in Clamp's Wonderland. My best guess is that we have to wait until tomorrow for Miyuki-chan to fall down the hole yet again, and then dive down after her."
Chaos flopped down on the couch with a sad sigh. "But who knows what could happen to him between now and tomorrow morning! I don't want to be the one to tell his parents that he was killed because he didn't lick the boots of that S&M Red Queen."
"Maybe I can take your mind off Pesti-chan in Wonderland," Mayhem offered. "I've got this great idea for a new toy. Now, you know how we've got those damned little Tamagotchi virtual pets that annoy everyone with their whiny beeping?"
"You mean those things we keep feeding Rampage?" Chaos asked.
Mayhem nodded. "Exactly. Now the latest creation is a sickeningly cute Tamagochi angel. My idea is to have a Tamagochi demon! Think about it, Chaos: no matter if it's on pause or mute, it'll keep on beeping with comments like 'I'm hungry, you idiot. Feed me now, dammit!' And the more you ignore it, the nastier it's comments become. Pretty soon the owner won't want anything to do with the Tamagotchi!"
Chaos smiled. "Yes! No more of those damned toys!"
"Or how about this?" Havoc added. "A La Blue Girl Tamagochi? She moans when she wants something, and when she's horny you--"
"Thank you for giving me that unnecessarily vivid picture," Chaos snapped, having smited Havoc with a herring.
"Incidentally, Havoc, you are the most demented human being I have ever met, and--MAYHEM!! What are you doing with his La Blue Girl Tamagotchi?!"
"Oh, I don't even want to know what you mean by that."
Suddenly there was a knock at the front door.
"I'll get it," Chaos said, walking over. "Ne, Mayhem, what do you think the odds are that it's Ami-chan coming to visit you?"
"Oh come on," Mayhem said. "After that botched attempt to ask her out this afternoon, what are the odds that she'd show up at the door?"
"Getting better all the time, I'd say," Chaos replied, opening the door. Yes, for once Lord Chaos was actually right, for there standing in the doorway with that shaft of light to make her look like an angel was none other than Ami-chan. And standing next to her was Mako-chan.
"Kawaii!" Havoc exclaimed, leaping into their bosoms.
Seconds later the Tokyo International Airport reported that a visiting William Shatner had to be sedated after screaming that 'there's some kind of pervert on the wing of the plane!'
[Fanboy's Note: so I'm a fan of the Outer Limits. So sue me. And I mean that figuratively!]
Makoto cracked her knuckles after delivering the punch. "What the...?"
"Sorry about that," Mayhem said. "He's...a little too frisky around women."
"Who...who is he?" Ami-chan asked.
"A perverted nuisance," Chaos replied. "We just call him Havoc. Come on in, you two. We've never had guests over at our apartment before."
"You live here by yourselves?" Makoto asked.
A happy Chaos nodded. "Hai! Since you live alone, you're welcome here anytime, Mako-chan!"
Makoto eyed him suspiciously. "And just how did you know that?"
Chaos sprouted his cat ears & tail again and feigned innocence. "Um...I'm psychic?"
Mayhem snickered. "Ha! If you were psychic you would have seen that Hime-chan No Ribbon theme song coming a mile away. 'Come on come on, go go, JUMP!'"
"Hush, Newt-boy! Rampage ate that damned stuffed lion, didn't she?"
"Um, how's your pet doing?" Ami-chan asked, blushing slightly as she sat down on the couch.
Mayhem nearly tore her coat in half as his faulty dating chromosome kicked in. "Oh, y-you mean the s-s-sick one?" Mayhem said. "Rampage? Well, she's--"
"Currently being shipped to Fanelia," Chaos cut in. "We're hoping she'll get stepped on by an Escaflownean Guymelef."
Ami's eyes widened. "You're joking, ne?"
"Of course he is!" Mayhem laughed, elbow-jabbing Chaos into the floor. Then with a friendly yank to hoist Chaos back into the air, Mayhem smiled.
"I swear you've got a Dr. Tofu syndrome going on there," Chaos muttered darkly.
Everyone turned to see Bigot-chan walk into the room with his cute, wide little eyes. Bigot went right for Makoto happily nuzzling her leg.
"Oh, kawaii!" Mako-chan said. "What's his name?"
"Bigot," Mayhem replied.
"I bought him myself," Chaos piped up.
"At least you didn't steal him from another fanfic," Mayhem retorted.
"Nothing." Mayhem turned to Ami-chan, practically shaking himself apart. On the other hand he was nicely shredding the armrest of the couch. "Ne, Ami-chan, I w-was wondering if...i-if you and I c-could..."
Ami leaned forward expectantly. "Yes?"
"How'd you like to walk with us to school!" Havoc exclaimed, leaping in and nuzzling her bosom. He was promptly smited into the apartment tower's sub-basement by two irate fanboys and Mako-chan.
"He's a freak of nature!" Makoto said.
"You have no idea," Chaos replied.
Ami-chan sighed, blushed, and then blushed a deeper shade when she realized the bra had been wearing beneath her blouse was suddenly missing.
"Havoc, you give Ami-chan her bra back now!!" Mayhem shouted through the holes.
"Yeah!" chorused the people on all the other floors. "Give Ami-chan her bra back, you pervert!!"
Mayhem and Chaos facevaulted.
"Subtlety is right out the window here," Chaos remarked.
"Gomen nasai," Mayhem apologized to Ami. Leaning down the hole he added, "Havoc, if you don't give her bra back now, I'm going to shred your Doji collection!!"
Came the disembodied reply of Havoc: "You're bluffing."
Mayhem frowned. "Damn. He called it."
"Can we walk together to school too?" Chaos asked, going all Bambi-eyed as he stared at Mako-chan.
"Dream on," Makoto replied coolly, petting Bigot.
A SD Chaos whimpered as this little black cloud rained down on him, and the kana for "Cruel" scrolled behind him.
"It's just as well that they don't come, I guess," Mayhem conceded. "We still have to rescue Pesti-chan tomorrow by going after that bunny girl on the skateboard. Who knows what'll happen to us in that black hole!"
"What are you talking about?" Mako-chan asked.
"Kamui got sucked into a parallel dimension and we have to rescue him before he goes Zoantropy again," Chaos replied.
Makoto frowned. "That big hairy thing from last time?"
Mayhem nodded. "The same. Amazing what puberty can do to a young man."
"What about Doji!" Havoc exclaimed, suddenly appearing from behind the couch. "Where our hero turns into an oversexed demon monster every time he sees a pretty girl!"
A super-deformed Chaos leaped across the room in surprise, grappling onto what he presumed to be the wall. "YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK, YOU FREAK?!?!" he exclaimed.
He paused for a moment as he squeezed his hands. "Mayhem, when did we start gluing soft round pillows to the walls?"
Mayhem sighed. "Um, Chaos, you really should pay more attention to what you're clinging to."
And so his lordship Chaos looked up to see a very irate Mako-chan glaring down at him. Chaos' eyes glanced down at how he was once again groping her breasts.
He winced. "Oooh, this is really going to hurt."
Mako-chan nodded and cracked her knuckles.
Seconds later the Tokyo International Airport reported that a visiting William Shatner had to be put in a strait jacket and sedated once more after screaming 'there's some kind of fanboy in my seat!'.
"What about the risks of them going?" Mayhem said. "Every girl there will be making passes at my Ami-chan!"
"Have no fear, Mako-chan!" Chaos exclaimed, suddenly reappearing and leaping onto the table with incredibly overdramatic flair. "I shall surely protect thee!"
An unimpressed Havoc blinked a few times before finally saying, "Would you mind getting your foot out of the bean dip?"
"Wait a minute!" Mayhem said with a smile. "I just had a delightful idea. We've got a decoy we can use if the ladies of Wonderland get out of hand!"
He gave the V-sign to the girls and winked.
"Oh come on!" Chaos said. "Where overnight are you going to find a girl who can hold her own against those Wonderland women, and won't be offended by it?"
He froze as lords Mayhem and Havoc slowly turned to him. Seconds later a sweatdrop appeared, and Chaos tried to commit seppuku with it. But fortunately all he managed to do was turn Mayhem into a newt again.
The newt was not impressed.
* * *