Rolling past them was the bunny girl on the skateboard, and hitching a ride on the back end was, of all people:
"Pesti-chan?!" Chaos exclaimed. "What are you doing on that skateboard with her?"
Pesti-chan leaped off the skateboard, jogging beside Chaos. "You guys aren't going to believe my trip! It was the most bitchin' experience of my young fanboy life!"
Suddenly the whip of the Red Queen wrapped around Chaos' body, tightening and yanking Chaos back onto the floor. The terrified fanboy screamed as he was slowly dragged back to the cackling dominatrix version of Haruka.
"Call me the queen!"
"Duo!" Ami-chan and Mako-chan shouted.
"Chaos!" Mayhem and Pesti-chan shouted.
"We need a miracle distraction!" Chaos exclaimed. "Please, I'll take anything!!"
Seconds later Havoc bounced across the scene with all the card girls' dickeys, proudly waving them as the score of girls all chased him down to get their tops back.
"Mwah ha ha ha! Come and get 'em, ladies!"
There was a moment of silence as everyone stood very still, and blinked.
Pesti: "Was that a distraction?"
Chaos: "I...I don't know. I was expecting something more grand, less..."
Chaos: "Hentai, yes."
Mayhem: "Do you think I could grab one of those from Havoc?"
Makoto raced over to Chaos and unraveled the whip from around him. Happily he embraced her. "Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you, Mako-chan!"
"If you please!" Makoto hissed. "We're both girls right now!"
"Hey guys," Pesti-chan said, glancing down at their replacement mascot. "Something's happening to Bigot!"
With big red eyes and his fur all rubbed the wrong ways, Bigot was glaring at them all while displaying rows of nasty little teeth. And then his head started to spin around. Suddenly Bigot's entire body ballooned out as if pumped with enough air to float the Hindenburg. And Bigot's tiny little head was still on top of the enormous body.
"He must have indigestion and be full of gas," Chaos said. "Somebody try to burp him!"
"Gas pains, my ass!" Mayhem retorted. "Bring this mascot an exorcist!"
Bigot proceeded to transform into an enormous and rather unpleasant wolf monster. Everyone, even the Red Queen, backed up against the wall as Bigot growled and took a step forward.
"Ascot!" Chaos exclaimed, snapping his fingers. "That's the name of the guy who sold Bigot to me!"
"As in Magic Knights Rayearth?" Mayhem asked.
"Yeah, I think so."
"You bought an animal from a guy who wants to kill us?" Pesti-chan exclaimed. "You schmuck!"
Mayhem shrugged. "At least he didn't name the thing Hikari. Chaos, use a Sailor Haley attack! Do something!"
Chaos nodded, stepping forward. "I call upon the smiting of the falling cow!"
Out from nowhere a large dairy cow dropped from the sky for no apparent reason, bonking Bigot on the head.
Unfortunately Bigot was three times the size of the cow, and then had a light snack.
Pesti-chan winced. "Well, at least he got milk."
"My smitings usually work," Chaos mused.
"Well then use your Senshi power!" Makoto exclaimed, trying to fend off the Red Queen from groping a near catatonic Ami-chan.
Chaos adjusted his pleated skirt and summoned his attack: "Comet Cleanser Sponge Bath!"
Mayhem winced. "Ouch. That sounds like it would hurt."
Unfortunately all that managed to do was clean up Bigot all nice and the cute like, so the big carnivorous wolf beast who wanted to eat them looked even shinier than before.
"Way to go Chaos," Mayhem said dryly. "Maybe Bigot will die of embarrassment when he sees the cute bowtie in his hair."
"You got a better idea, Newt-boy?"
" We could Zoantropy Pesti-chan."
"No time!" Makoto exclaimed.
Everyone watched as the shadow of Bigot loomed over them, ready to snack on the first fanboy he wanted. Well, just when it was about to look like the Curse of the Fanboys!! series would abruptly end once more--
[Fanboy's Note: you can stop cheering again anytime now!]
--who should suddenly appear but li'l Rampage-chan! And with one look at the oversized wolf-thing that had once been a rival mascot for the fanboys, Rampage the SD Godzilla thingy knew exactly what to do. One enormous swallow later found a very round Rampage burping contentedly.
"Will you look at that?" Chaos said.
"He ate all of Bigot in one gulp," Mayhem said. "He'd better not expect anything else, being so close to dinner time."
"CHU CHU!" Rampage squeaked happily.
"Should we say any last words for Bigot?' Chaos asked.
"Like what?" Mayhem retorted. "'He was good pet, a kind pet who wanted to viciously eat us all'?"
"Um, guys, remember the S&M Red Queen who wants to hurt us and make us lick her boots?" Pesti-chan inquired.
"What'll we do?" Chaos lamented. "I don't wanna die in only the second fanfic adventure we have!"
"Idea!" Mayhem exclaimed. He took out a Tamagotchi and tossed it to the Red Queen.
"Hm? What's this?" the dominatrix Haruka asked, staring curiously at the Tamagotchi.
"Hey!" Havoc exclaimed, reappearing once more. "That's my La Blue Girl Tamagotchi! Give her back to me!"
Those pesky sweatdrops hovered next to everyone else as they watched Havoc try to get back his virtual pet and grope the Red Queen's bosom--nearly impaling himself in the process.
"He's fighting the Red Queen for a perverted Tamagotchi toy," Ami-chan said.
"Disgusting," Mako-chan sighed.
"We really should use this time to get out of Wonderland," Mayhem remarked.
"No problem!" Pesti-chan piped up. "I know a shortcut out. Cue Miyuki-chan in Mirrorland!"
Well, wasn't that just an interesting twist to the story, ne? Anyhoo, with that cue given by Pesti-chan, everyone disappeared from Wonderland. Chaos, Mayhem, Pesti-chan, Ami, Makoto and Rampage all popped back into the fanboys' apartment.
"We're alive," Ami-chan sighed in relief.
"Barely," Makoto growled. "That is the last time I *ever* agree to do you guys a favour again!"
Chaos sighed. "Hai, hai."
"Hey, will you look at that!" Mayhem remarked, looking at the clock on the wall. "The time's still from early this morning! We don't get to...miss a day of school."
Needless to say his enthusiasm vanished.
"Come on, then," Pesti-chan said, emerging from his room with his schoolbag. "I'll tell you about what happened to me in Wonderland--and this time we make sure to avoid Miyuki-chan."
"Hai!" everyone chorused.
* * *
"Tadaima!" Pesti-chan and Mayhem chorused as they came into the apartment with arms full of groceries.
"Yo, Chaos, you home?' Mayhem called out.
"It's a shame Chaos couldn't come," Pesti-chan said, setting his groceries down on the kitchen counter. "What was he doing anyways?"
"Trying to explain somehow to Makoto about why he turns into a girl when he becomes Sailor Haley," Mayhem said with a smirk. "He had forgotten he was a guy again, and she caught him going into the girl's bathroom at lunch."
Pesti-chan sighed and shook his head. "Well, at least this means I have a better chance at dating Mako-chan."
"CHU CHU!" a kawaii little Rampage exclaimed, bounding onto the kitchen counter and scarfing down a dozen eggs along with the carton they came in.
"This is strange," Pesti-chan said. "Where is Chaos anyways?"
They got their answer as they looked over by the computer and the place where Beans' lake god in the aquarium had once sat. There in its place was a completely terrified Chaos, all wrapped up nice and cute like with duct tape (the handy otaku's secret weapon!). Written in permanent black marker across his forehead were the words: "BYTE ME."
"Have we finished with our larval phase and are now cocooning?" Pesti-chan inquired, poking Chaos' shoulder.
"I do believe Beans managed to track him down finally," Mayhem remarked.
"Should we untie him?" Pesti-chan asked.
Mayhem considered that for a moment. "Nah. The apartment's a lot more quiet with Chaos being so comatose."
And so they left his lordship Chaos in that catatonic state, adjourning to lounging on the living room couches.
"Ah!" Mayhem sighed in reclining. "The day is finally over. I never though I'd say it, but I never want to go back to Clamp's Wonderland ever again."
"You know," Pesti-chan remarked, laying back on the other couch. "With all the excitement going on, I never did see what happened to Havoc."
Mayhem sat up. "Hey, that's right? What did happen to Havoc?"
[Cue Wonderland again!]
All dressed up in her fancy dominatrix leather n' spikes ensemble, Haruka in her Red Queen form smiled darkly and cracked her whip again, still laughing.
"WAH HA HAH HA HA HA!!!!! Get down on your knees and lick my boots, slave!"
A frightened & frantic SD version of his Hentaiship Havoc leaped around the room. "KYAAAAA!! HIME HIME HIME HIME HIME!!!"
"Don't call me princess!" the Queen of Hearts cackled, snapping the whip again. "Call me the queen!"
"KYAAAAAA!!! JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA!!!!
["Yes, we have no more Fanboys! We have no more Fanboys today!" What...were you expecting us to not have any more bananas today?]