Well, leaving aside the usual super-deformed dance around the bed we quickly jump into the living room (but remembering to open the door first) and also leave aside any in-flight movie you might be tempted to see. This fanfic it's Big Breasted Anime Babes Go To The Beach (and take their tops off!), so we might as well just get right back into the fan--HEY!!!
And just where do *you* think you're going?
Anyhoo, it was a quiet early afternoon. Pesti-chan was busy cleaning up from the lunch the other fanboys who actually had decided to wake up sometime this week had eaten, Mayhem was reading the newspaper, and Anarchy & Tasuki were busy with yet another match of duelling Hard Lemonade bottles.
"We have that study group with the Senshi at Rei's temple for our final tests this afternoon, ne?" Pesti-chan asked, putting away a stack of clean plates.
Mayhem nodded, examining the Tokyo Anime stock markets. "Hai. I think it's around four this afternoon. Dammit, Nergal lost three and a half points yesterday when the Nadesico disappeared into a Tulip!"
"I'm just pretty damned impressed they let you join their study group at all," Anarchy remarked, chugging back her Hard Lemonade.
"Maybe that's why we're invited over at four," Pesti-chan ventured. "They get all their real studying done before we arrive, so they don't lose study time when all hell breaks through their ceiling."
"Speak for yourself," Mayhem said. "Ami-chan's been trying to give me private tutoring lessons."
"Ecchi," Pesti-chan said.
Tasuki laughed. "Well, that explains the firetrucks I heard all last night."
"Hai hai," Anarchy agreed, clinking bottles with Tasuki before competing with him to see who could slam back the next four bottles faster.
"Rampage-chan!" Anarchy exclaimed, opening up her arms as their carnivorous SD Godzilla-thingy for a mascot bounded out from Chaos' bedroom and leaped into her lap, happily chirping. "Did we have fun waking up Chaos today?"
"Dammit, Rampage!" a half-naked female Chaos exclaimed, chasing after her. "That was my favourite shirt!"
Abruptly Rampage burped up the tattered remains of said shirt. A very unimpressed Chaos glanced down at the drool-stained mess on the floor.
"Well," Mayhem remarked. "Now it's your favourite sleeve."
"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, suddenly appearing behind Chaos and giving him--er, her a fond little groping session. "Is this what you always wear to bed, you saucy girl?"
Chaos promptly clocked Havoc with the nearest possible frying pan. "We really need to have the BEAST start screening our calls," he sighed, shuffling over to the fridge. "I got this freaky phone call this morning from someone who was not *my* Mako-chan."
Seconds later Chaos was clocked with a cabbage that sent him headfirst into the microwave.
"Gomen," Pesti-chan said darkly, lowering his arm. "My hand slipped."
Anarchy rolled her eyes.
"Just remember to please be a little more careful when you start giving the supercomputer used by the Earth Dragons my pseudonym," Pesti-chan said. "It was not fun when Fuma attacked our field trip to the Tokyo Tower last week."
"Hai hai," Mayhem agreed, looking up from his latest gain in Genom Boomer stocks. "Well, at least he got sucked into Cephiro along with the Magic Knights."
"Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll shred Mokona for us," Chaos said, opening the fridge. A sweatdrop ensued as he stared at the fact that now one shelf in their fridge was stocked up with nothing but bowls upon bowls of--!
"Jello?!" Chaos exclaimed.
"Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack of hentai champions!" Havoc piped up, appearing behind Chaos. "Care for some? They're quite tart...but then again so was Mako-chan!!"
[Cue the oversized demonic heads of Chaos & Pesti-chan!]
Havoc was of course smited by an oversized mallet and an entire herd of cows that crashed through the ceiling for no apparent reason. However, Havoc exploded on contact and the entire apartment was then flooded with a tidal wave of whipped cream that swept all the fanboys away.
Anarchy lowered the AT Field protecting her, Tasuki, Rampage and the couch free of Havoc's Cream Lemon attack. Pesti-chan was left dangling from the ceiling fan, Mayhem peeling himself off the TV set, and Chaos pulling an Indiana Jones as the waterfall of whipped cream poured itself over their balcony.
"TASUKETEEEEE!!!" he shrieked, grappling onto the railing.
"We have really...got to stop doing that," Mayhem said, wiping his face clean. "Mmm, it is tart after all."
"Mayhem no ecchi!" an SD Pesti-chan exclaimed, his leiís legs kicking frantically around in the air.
"Ah!" Havoc sighed, erupting from the whipped cream with a bowl of jello in one hand and a spoon in the other. "Just what I needed for my jello snack!"
Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Are they still trying to find a name for your disorder yet or what, Havoc?"
And then the phone rang.
[Cue the sound-into-script effect!]
"I got it!" Chaos exclaimed, diving into the pile. "What the...where is it? Um...not here...not here...not here either...aha! Found it!"
And with great pride Chaos pulled out from the whipped cream Rampage, who happily squeaked and latched herself onto Chaos' arm. Natural SD mode ensued.
Mayhem: [picking up the cordless phone] "I've got it. Moshi Moshi!"
Caller: "Who is this?"
Mayhem: "Are you sure you want to commit that far? I mean, we haven't even dated yet."
Caller: "Cute, Mayhem, very cute. Put Chaos on the line."
Mayhem: "Hold on a moment; he's playing Jurassic Fanfic in a swimming pool of whipped cream.
Chaos: "KYAAAAA!! The VelociRampages are on the loose!"
Rampage: [exploding from the depths of the whipped cream!] "CHU CHU!!"
[The cordless phone sweatdrops.]
Chaos: "Moshi moshi, Chaos speaking!"
Caller: [lovingly evil tone] "Hello...Chaos. So what's your favourite scary Anime?"
Chaos: "Nice try, Tasuki. If Anarchy's listening in, tell her I'm not *that* dumb to fall for the same torment twice."
Anarchy & Tasuki: [on karaoke with X!] "Forever love! Forever dream!"
Chaos: "Shhh! Pesti-chan, tell Anarchy and Tasuki to be quiet! I'm talking with them on the phone!"
[Cue the SD bug-eyed Chaos!]
The mysterious caller laughed. "Got your attention finally?"
All the fanboys crowded around the phone as Chaos put it on speaker, which in itself was rather impressive considering that they were all waist-deep in whipped cream.
"If it's a crank caller," Pesti-chan said to Chaos. "then just hang up."
The caller growled. "You hang up and I'll rip your body apart and sell you as gel for a PPOR robot!"
"Now they're getting nasty," Mayhem remarked, taking yet another a swig of Hard Lemonade.
"Can we figure out who it is?" Pesti-chan asked.
Mayhem shook his head. "Doubtful. They're using some kind of electronic device to warp their voice tone. We can't tell which seiyuu it is."
Chaos: "What do you want me to do?"
Caller: "Oh, isn't that obvious? Your gratuitous self-insertion fanfics have tarnished my beloved Sailor Moon long enough. I've got a mallet with your name on it, Chaos! I've got ones for Pesti-chan, Havoc and Mayhem too!"
Mayhem: "Oh, I'm sorry but I'm not allowed to accept death threats from strangers."
Caller: "Hush, Newt-boy!"
Pesti: "What did I ever do?!"
Chaos: "This wouldn't have happened if you weren't interfering with me and my Mako-chan all the time!"
Pesti: "*YOUR* Mako-chan, Chaos?!?!"
Havoc: "Hotcha! I got Rei-chan's panties!"
Mayhem: "Havoc I can understand but what did I ever do?"
Pesti: "Oh maybe just turning Ami-chan into a sex kitten could have something to do with it."
Mayhem: "And that's a crime?"
Anarchy rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers, an AT Field catapulting all four fanboys into the wall. She sighed, taking the phone. Now had Chaos, Pesti-chan, Mayhem and Havoc not been making so much noise in getting themselves out of the wall craters we might have actually heard what Anarchy said to their caller.
"Yep, it's the crazed killer who knows what you morons did last fanfic alright," Anarchy told them, setting aside the phone. "I said that you were too busy in the first part of the fanfic, but that we could schedule an appearance in the second part of F6! instead."
"Gee, thanks," Chaos dryly remarked.
"I thought that was just a story you and Tasuki made up to play a prank on us," Pesti-chan said. "You mean that the crazed killer who stalks really bad, gratuitous self-insertion characters in Sailor Moon fanfics and smites them with a pan-dimensional mallet where his right hand used to be really exists?!"
"Well, all folk legends do stem from at least some kind of true story," Mayhem replied. "Incidentally that was a nice character recap, Pesti-chan."
"Thanks. It's hard to say all that in one breath."
"We're being stalked once more by a crazed killer," Chaos said. "And I know just who can solve this!"
"The Clamp Campus Detectives?" Mayhem ventured.
Pesti-chan raised an eyebrow. "Don't those three only accept female clients?"
"Chaos, would you care to do the honours?" Anarchy inquired.
Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Aha haaa...cute. Besides, they're still missing after Rampage mistook their Bambi-eyed candy thingy for an emblem as a living mascot and tore a hole through their blimp in eating it."
"I hear they've put Boy Detective Conan on the case," Mayhem remarked, watching their carnivorous SD Godzilla thingy race across the apartment and devour every last piece of whipped cream.
"Good girl!" Anarchy said, picking up a now rather plump Rampage. "Now that you've had some appetizers, why not move right onto the entree! Chaos, catch!"
Chaos naturally freaked as Rampage was lobbed at him. However, despite his crazed shrieks across the apartment, a new sound was slowly growing louder within the fanfic.
[Fanboy's note: no, it's not the director snoring of boredom. The last time he tried something like he was mysteriously smited by a cow that fell from the sky for no apparent reason.]
"Ne, Anarchy?" Pesti-chan asked. "You hear that?"
Mayhem nodded. "Sounds like heavy machinery coming down the hallway."
"It's a T-74 type tank from Those Who Hunt Elves," Anarchy nonchalantly replied, picking up Rampage and moving into the kitchen.
The other four fanboys nodded. "Ah, a T-74 type...what?!"
Just then the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it!" Chaos said, leaping to the door.
Suddenly the said T-74 tank from Those Who Hunt Elves crashed through the front of the apartment, breaking down the door, the walls and part of the ceiling. As the debris settled and the newest conversational piece in the apartment came to a stop, the other more sane fanboys gathered.
"Whew!" Pesti-chan exclaimed, flicking aside his sweatdrop as he safely emerged from the nearest hallway. "That was close!"
"Not for some of us," growled Chaos, slowly picking himself out of the debris pile and now sporting a trendy new set of treadmarks along the back of his battered little body. In fuming SD mode he walked over to the tank and started to rather uselessly boot the wheels inside the tread.
"Hey! Get your damned tank outta my living room! I just waxed the floor too!!"
Chaos abruptly went into kawaii kitty mode as he heard a loud click! and looked up to see the muzzle of an oversized Gundam mecha's beam gun pointed right at his face. And it was so clean and shiny he could see the reflection of the sweatdrop as it appeared next to his head.
"And just what," the pilot of the tank (who bore an almost frightening resemblance to FFVII's Sephiroth) inquired darkly. "do you think you're doing making scuff marks on my T-74 tank?"
Naturally Chaos freaked, going into massive bug-eyed SD mode and waving his now seemingly multiple arms in the air as he raced across the apartment. "C-C-Carnage?!" he exclaimed. "Masaka! What's he doing here?!"
"Carnage?" Tasuki asked, looking at Pesti-chan.
The underlord in training shrugged. "It beats me."
Seconds later a mangled wad o' Chaos was launched past them into the nearest wall. "KYAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
"Or rather," Mayhem corrected. "It beats Chaos. I'm just impressed Carnage managed to get that thing up to the twenty-eight floor."
Carnage turned around with a broad grin and giving a V-sign. "You'd be surprised what you can fit into the freight elevators these days!"
"So who's Carnage?" Pesti-chan asked.
Anarchy sighed, shaking her head. "Old fanboyfriend. Carnage, what the hell are you doing here? I told you already it's over between us."
Carnage's eyes abruptly went into Bambi mode. "Anarchy...!" he whimpered. "You're so cruel!"
Pesti-chan's eyes ballooned out in surprise. "Aiya! You mean that Carnage...and Anarchy...were...?"
Mayhem nodded. "Yep. He's Anarchy's old boyfriend from before we accidentally clicked her into the fanfics with the remote."
"And just what," Carnage said, hopping down from the tank. "do you mean by 'old' boyfriend? I'd never desert my beloved goddess of Mass Destruction, Anarchy-chan!"
"Na ni?!" Tasuki exclaimed, pulling out his halissen. "Whaddaya mean she's your girlfriend, buddy?!"
Pesti-chan groaned. "Hoboy. Here we go again."
"You dare claim my Anarchy-chan, you pyromaniacal freak?" Carnage shot back. "Ha! Your Lekka Shien's no match for my mecha! Witness the awesome fury of my Double Zeta Gundam!!"
Moments later Carnage unsheathed from a pan dimensional pocket in his pants an impressive Gundam mecha! And it would have looked very impressive too...had the apartment ceiling actually been big enough to allow for more than just its big metal boot to be seen. However the roof of the apartment tower was now sporting a very impressive head sticking out from penthouse suite.
Mayhem peered up the massive holes in the next seven upper floors. "Yare yare. Carnage, what did we tell you about unleashing your mechas in small, enclosed places?"
Carnage rolled his eyes and with disturbing ease pulled the ZZ-Gundam mecha back into his pocket. "This is some greetings I get," he said. "You land here in the central control of Anime, in the Sailor Moon universe to boot, and you had the nerve not to invite me?!"
"Yes, well we actually would like to keep our fanfics in one piece," Mayhem retorted evenly. "Or need I remind you of that whole Second Impact incident."
Carnage shrugged. "Hey, there was no physical proof that it was me and not the Angel that managed to sink Antarctica."
"Only because you vaporized all the evidence along with the continent," Anarchy replied evenly.
"We actually believe that he's the real reason Atlantis was destroyed and forced to create Gaea," Chaos muttered aside to Pesti-chan.
Pesti-chan glanced over at Anarchy. "Why'd you dump him?"
There was dead silence, and the only thing to move was the kana for the wind's "Hwooooo" sound effect scrolling in behind everyone.
"Cute kid," Carnage remarked darkly. "Just out of curiosity, Pesti-chan, how fast do you think you can outrun a Satellite Strike?"
"I wouldn't if I were you," Chaos cautioned. "Pesti-chan'll Zoantropy if you zap him like that. And then I've got to go Haley and...(growl!) make him call me the Queen."
"Aw, but you make such a cute transsexual, Chaos!" Mayhem said.
Anarchy sighed. "He just wasn't my type."
"Hai hai," Chaos agreed. "Carnage here just wasn't her--"
Mayhem: "Care to run that by me again?"
Carnage turned to Chaos. "As her older yet pathetically useless brother, I must ask you for the right to date the fair Anarchy-chan once more. Do you accept, or yield?"
"Na ni?" Pesti-chan asked.
"In Japan you need to get the permission of the older brother if there's a girl you want to date," Anarchy replied. "Well, if you want to even think about dating me again and replacing Tasuki here, it'll be over Chaos' dead body."
Chaos nodded. "Hai! If you want to date my vicious little sister, it'll be over my dead--NA NI?!"
Carnage grinned. "Well...that can be arranged."
Mayhem scowled. "Uh-oh. Chaos is going to feel this for the rest of the fanfic. Carnage's got a WMD fetish."
A sweatdrop appeared next to Pesti-chan, who then fed it to Rampage. "WMD? What's that?"
"Its an acronym for Weapons of Mass Destruction," Mayhem explained. "Essentially it's the secret school for learning our smiting techniques. Every overlord of Mass Destruction has a special weapon or set of weapons they use for smiting. And Carnage's level of MD output almost rivals Anarchy's."
Chaos pulled out his smiting umbrella. "Ha ha! I should have you know that I am the master of Umbrella-Fu, Carnage! Prepare yourself!"
Chaos abruptly went into bug-eyed SD mode as Carnage pulled out a Ruroni Kenshin Zanba sword, the enormous blade itself reaching through the hole in the ceiling--and that wasn't even counting the small wooden pole the ridiculously large blade was mounted on.
Carnage grinned. "Mine's bigger."
"It's not the size that counts!" a kawaii but irate SD Chaos protested. "It's how you use it!"
Carnage's eyebrow twitched as he turned to Chaos and a spark jumped between their eyes. Moments later a frantic SD Chaos was bouncing across the apartment as an SD Carnage chased after him, waving the Zanba blade.
Carnage: [swinging the Zanba sword!] "Get your ass back here Chaos so I can smite it!! Hold still, you super-deformed freak!"
Chaos: "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! TASUKETEEEE!!!"
Mayhem: "Parry, parry, thrust, thrust. Very good!"
Anarchy: "Carnage can be so childish. Now bring on the pan-dimensional karaoke machine again!"
Pesti: [sigh!] "Baka baka."
SD Carnage raised the Zanba sword over his head, poised to strike while the poor SD Chaos braced himself for the newest smiting method known to the fanfics. However Carnage forgot one little law of Anime: when you're super-deformed, your size and strength are cut in half.
As a result when he raised the monstrously oversized weapon over his head the Zanba blade's weight shifted and it pitched backwards, the tip burrowing into the marble tile floor and hoisting an SD Carnage up into the air. His leiís dangling legs kicking around, Carnage threw a super deformed hissy fit...half of which just might have been intelligible. The other half really shouldn't be repeated here.
Mayhem sighed, ducking an empty flying bottle of Hard Lemonade as Anarchy and Tasuki went off to find another hapless karaoke bar to pillage. "Property damage in this fic is about to skyrocket," he remarked.
"So much for this week's paycheck," Pesti-chan lamented.
Carnage went Bambi-eyed as he saw Anarchy leave. "Wait, Anarchy-chan! Give me another chance! I'll do whatever you want! I'll stop blowing things up...on occasion!"
Now Anarchy would have slammed shut the door had the door actually been on its hinges and not pieces of it scattered across the living room thanks to a certain fanboy's T-74 tank smashing it--Carnage: "Hey! You authors are as expendable as the scenery, buddy! Don't make me come out there and use this!"
--apart, but never the less she did leave Carnage behind with the rest of the fanboys. Carnage went Bambi-eyed, sulking amidst the debris.
"Well, at least you still have us," Pesti-chan offered.
"Now I'm really depressed," Carnage said. "I need to cheer myself up. Hmmm...what to smite? What to smite?"
Mayhem & Pesti-chan immediately stepped away from Chaos. "Oh sure, smite the guy who wears the fuku!" Chaos pouted.
"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, bounding back into the scene after having liberated more females of their panties. "Hey, Carnage! Ohayo! Wanna feel these silken treasures I raided offa the author's all-female writing assistant team?"
[Fanboy's Note: author cringes as moments later his entire all-female writing assistant team abruptly feels a cool draft and promptly shriek.]
Chaos slapped his forehead. "Even outside of the fanfics, he's still a hentai."
"That's Hentenno-sama!" Havoc proclaimed.
"We have seriously got to put a stop to his antics," Pesti-chan agreed.
"So long as I get to keep his Tama-echi, I'm happy," Mayhem said.
Carnage glanced uneasily back at the other fanboys, reverting back to his normal size and sheathing his Zanba blade back into its dimensional pocket.
Carnage: "*He's* here too?!"
Chaos & Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Hai...."
Havoc: "Anyone up for the Havoc Schwing Dance?"
Chaos: "Shimatta, not the Havoc Schwing Dance."
Pesti: "What's that?"
Mayhem: "The Daicon four bunny suit meets the Lucky Kitty Gym Shorts schwing gang. It's not a pretty picture."
Chaos: "I thought you were on second schwing, Mayhem."
Chaos: "Hey! Might I add you read my Mako Kamen Chaosfic, and...what is that?"
Chaos glanced down at Havoc, who had now pulled out a massive binder full of bras and panties. Well, what else did you expect Havoc to have? "This," Havoc proudly said. "Is my diary."
"A collection of panties you've stolen?!" Pesti-chan exclaimed.
"'Monday thru Sunday'," Carnage read. "Havoc, you mean to tell us these are all the panties you've stolen over the past week?"
Chaos' eyes bugged out as he studied the sheer size of the towering four-foot high panty diary.
"Of course not!' Havoc scoffed. "This was yesterday's collection, from nine in the morning to...um, nine fifteen in the morning! I was a little off that day so there's not the average volume. This is about half my usual acquisitions."
[Cue the facevaults!]
"He's even more of a pervert now than ever before," Carnage muttered, his eyebrow twitching.
"Don't worry," Chaos said. "I've got an idea."
Mayhem glanced down at his wristwatch. "Shimatta! We were so wrapped up in introducing Carnage that we completely forgot the time! We were supposed to be there for the Inner Senshi's study group half an hour ago!"
Chaos immediately went SD. "KYAAAA!!! Mako-chan, forgive me!"
"For this or for all those gropings you've done to her," Mayhem inquired.
"You need to get to the Fire River Temple in a hurry?" Carnage inquired, a devilish smile appearing on his face. "Well then I have just the thing!"
Reaching back into his jeans' pan-dimensional pocket, Carnage immediately pulled out an enormous old Tokyo-style pizza parlour with a massive clock tower that bore a striking resemblance to an oversized pistol gun. Fortunately it was a perfect fit in the fanboys' apartment thanks to Carnage's Double Zeta Gundam clearing the room up.
"Sugoi!" Pesti-chan whistled.
"I borrowed this from the Samurai Pizza Cats," Carnage said. "Trust me, this is the only way to travel. Now just get yourselves into these microwave ovens that lead into the chamber, and I'll blast us across town!"
"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, leaping into one. "An even better way to do panty raid flyby's!"
Carnage's eyebrow twitched. "Just what is the deal with him anyways?"
Chaos helplessly shrugged. "They're still searching for a name to his disorder, Carnage."
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