Well without further strange plot devices of fanboy/Senshi interaction, the girls quickly ushered the fanboys outside so that they could cook their meal in peace without having to worry about Zoantropy, spontaneous combustions, flaming odangos and just Chaos in general. Rei added that since they were going to be outside, they at least work on repairing the roof. The fanboys unanimously voted that Carnage take care of that bill since he was the one who created it in the first place.
Chaos was still busy sulking on the cobblestone courtyard over his inability to get a date with Mako-chan and losing it to Pesti-chan.
"Come on, Chaos," Mayhem said. "So what if you lost Mako-chan to your underlord in training. So what if she picked someone who tuns into a large hairy monster if she hits him with magic? So what if the only girl who seems to like you is a twelve year-old harbinger? After all, you still have your Sailor Haley transformation!"
"YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME HERE, MAYHEM!!!" the oversized head of Chaos exclaimed.
"I just don't want you screwing tomorrow night up," Pesti-chan said. "This is my one shot at a gratuitous self-insertion episode. You owe me at least one night for all the times I've had to call you the Queen, Chaos."
Chaos' eyebrow twitched.
"Don't worry," Mayhem replied. "This first part's running long, so if anything the big dating scene will come in the second part of this fanfic."
Chaos flicked away his sweatdrop. "But...but that's when the crazed killer who still knows what we did last fanfic will be appearing!"
Mayhem nodded. "You have your date with Makoto, Pesti-chan. We're going to have enough trouble as it is with that Sailor Moon psycho stalking us down."
Chaos shot Mayhem a very annoyed look. But because he shot it without properly aiming first, his annoyed look wound up hitting Carange. Carnage promptly aimed and hit back...with his Zanba sword.
Carnage grinned, punching a fist into his open palm. "More chances for Mass Destruction! I like, I like!" He looked up at the roof of the temple building. "Well, I might as well start repairing the holes."
Chaos' eyes bugged out as Carnage pulled out the Tallgeese Gundam from his pants, the massive mecha unfolding to its original, towering size.
"Sugoi!" Pesti-chan said.
"He's giving all new meaning to Gundam: War in the Pocket," Mayhem dryly remarked.
Chaos shook his head. "How does he *do* that?"
Carnage grinned, twirling a mini-mecha on a keychain around his finger. "Keychains, my friend. Just add a little water to these SD versions, and watch them kick some steel-plated ass."
The other three fanboys watched Carnage bound up the enormous mecha. "He's just as scary as Anarchy," Pesti-chan remarked.
Mayhem nodded. "Hai hai. After all, they were dating for a while back."
"I just can't believe you're dating *my* Mako-chan," Chaos pouted.
Abruptly there came the sound of a phone.
"Think the author's going to throw in that special script just to prove it did ring again?" Pesti-chan asked.
Mayhem shrugged. "With our author you need to ask?"
"There we go," Mayhem said.
"It's mine!" Carnage piped up from atop his Tallgeese. He hopped down from the mecha's enormous hand and made a perfect landing atop Chaos' head.
"DO YOU MIND?!" Chaos exclaimed.
Carnage shook his head and pulled out his cellular phone.
Carnage: "Moshi moshi, overlord of Mass Destruction, Carnage, here!"
Caller: "So, what's your favourite scary Anime, Carnage?"
Carnage: "Na ni? Who the hell is this?"
Caller: "Someone who can't stand what the fanboys are doing to my beloved Sailor Moon universe. Had you stayed away from this fanfic I would have spared you, but now for desecrating the Sailor Senshi and the Fire River temple, you shall be smited just like your friends."
Carnage: [cupping a hand over the phone] "Is there some kind of psycho running loose in the fanfic that I should be aware of...present company excluded?"
Mayhem: "Oh, you mean the crazed killer who still knows what we did last fanfic?"
Carnage: "That sounds like my caller. Look, this is a private line so unless there's something you want me to blow up for you, you're wasting my time."
Caller: [lovingly evil laughter] "Hardly. I'm going to play a game with you and your other fanboys, Carnage. Answer it right and you live. Answer wrong, and...well you don't want to give me the wrong answer."
Carnage: [growl!!] "You think that dumbass voice is gonna scare me?! Well watch this: DRAGU SLAVE!!!!"
Chaos, Mayhem & Pesti-chan: o.O
Seconds later the quiet & serene Fire River Temple was rocked by a massive explosion, the fireball neatly turning the orange sky into dark, fiery crimson. As the smoke, fire and raining debris settled down, the sky cleared to reveal a thoroughly content and unscathed Carnage standing at the edge of an enormous crater.
"Damn that felt good!" he exclaimed. "Anyone else feel like levelling a few more continents, or is it just me?"
"N-Na...ni...?" a bewildered Pesti-chan asked, picking himself out of the deep crater in the middle of the temple courtyard.
"I forgot to mention it," Mayhem said, adjusting his very askew glasses as he emerged from the surrounding trees covered in twigs and leaves. "Carnage is also unique for the fact that he knows every last Slayers spell."
Pesti-chan groaned. "Aiya. There goes our paychecks for next month." He frantically leaped aside as a large shoji screen crashed down beside him.
"Carnage," Chaos coughed, draped atop the now 45 degree torii. "Here's a general tip for using Lina Inverse's Dragu Slave spell: you can't nuke him over the phone, dammit!!"
Carnage grinned. "You think so?"
Seconds later a large fireball was seen erupting in a distant part of the city. However several other fireballs also erupted all over the city.
"Kowai!" Pesti-chan said.
Carnage scowled. "My aim was off...must have been a crosswind."
"Or else author's conspiracy to make sure the crazed killer survived," Mayhem countered. "You get that a lot in our fanfics."
Abruptly the torii gave way, crashing down on top of the massive crater in the temple's courtyard. A terrified but kawaii SD Chaos screamed as he clung to the torii as it went down. "KYAAAA!!!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!"
With a loud crash the torii came to rest, and a much battered Chaos faceplanted at the feet of the other three fanboys.
Everyone turned to see the young and smiling 12 year-old Hotaru running up the front steps towards them. Chaos reverted into bug-eyed SD mode in seconds while Pesti-chan and Mayhem started exchanging bets as to how Haruka would hurt Chaos this time around.
"Hotaru-sama," Carnage said, kneeling before her. "It is an honour to be in the presence of such a powerful lady of Mass Destruction. I loved your work in the S season!"
Hotaru giggled, latching onto Chaos' arms and hoisting him out of the debris. "Chaos-chan, is he one of your friends? I like him!"
Carnage's eyes ballooned out as he watched Hotaru fawn all over a panicky Chaos. "She...she's in love with him?"
Pesti-chan nodded. "Ever since F5! Hotaru's had this crush on Chaos when he saved her life from the Dragon Bra Bug."
"There is no justice in this fanfic," Carnage lamented.
"It took you this long to figure that out already?" Mayhem said.
They all watched as Setsuna, Haruka and Michiru appeared, pausing for a moment to stare at the wondrous devastation. Haruka gawked at the crater, shaking her head as she stared directly at the SD Chaos.
"Ara, look who else is here," Michiru remarked.
"I think that enormous fireball was a dead giveaway," Haruka said darkly. "Shimatta, don't they have anything better to do?"
Hotaru happily lifted the battered SD fanboy up and hoisted him onto her shoulders. Humming a little tune Hotaru skipped back to Michiru and Haruka with her prize.
"Ara, be gentle with him, Hime-chan," Michiru said. "He's not a sack of rice."
"I'll say," Haruka agreed. "Rice is a lot less of a pain in the--"
"Haruka...!" Michiru cautioned.
Haruka sighed. "Hai hai."
"What the hell's going on out here?!" Rei exclaimed, storming out from the temple.
"Um, Rei, it's better that you don't look behind you," Pesti-chan said.
Rei turned around. "KYAAA!!!! WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO TO MY TEMPLE?!?!"
"I told you not to turn around," Pesti-chan sighed. "There goes next year's paychecks."
"Daijobu," Carnage said, trying to soothe the savage Senshi. "I'm well versed in all Slayers spells. RECOVERY!!"
The entire temple grounds were suddenly lost in a glowing light, and once the light faded the devastation wreaked by Dragu Slave was gone.
"Sugoi!" Usagi exclaimed.
"It certainly saves Setsuna turning back time," Michiru said.
"That's not exactly a liberty I'm allowed to take on a mere whim," Setsuna countered.
"Think you could use it on our apartment next?" Mayhem asked.
Carnage shook his head. "I can only use the Recovery spell once a fanfic. The author made it a part of my character contract in order for me to show up here. So your apartment'll still be a mess until F7! rolls around."
"Provided you don't Mega Brand it first into oblivion," Pesti-chan groaned.
Makoto's eyes brightened upon seeing the Outer Senshi. "Ah! Haruka-san! Michiru-san! What are you doing here?"
"We were just going to pay a small visit since we were in the neighborhood," Michiru said, leaning against Haruka's shoulder. She gave Haruka coy look. "I thought I might actually give Haruka here a chance to flirt with you."
Haruka coughed into her hand. "Ahem! Well...."
Setsuna stepped back warily. "But if you fanboys are here, then that means that pervert's also--!"
[Cue Havoc!]
Setsuna: "Dead Scream."
Carnage grinned as Havoc was blasted by the Dead Scream attack before he even had a chance to try and steal Setsuna's panties. "Cool! Now *that's* Mass Destruction!"
Usagi peered into the small, smouldering crater left in the fanboy's place. "Havoc, daijobu?"
"We could only hope he wasn't," Chaos sighed.
Rei glanced down at Hotaru. "Ne, Hotaru, what are you doing with Duo?"
Minako chuckled. "Are you her boyfriend, Chaos?"
"Hai!" Hotaru-chan exclaimed happily. "He's my Chaos-chan and I'm going to be his bride!"
"*Your* Chaos-chan?!" Pesti & Makoto exclaimed together.
"Just my luck," Chaos groaned. "The one girl who seems to actually have crush on me is not only twelve years old, but if I do something wrong she'll destroy the fanfic!"
"You get all the fun!" Mayhem sighed in a teasing voice.
"Hush, Newt-boy!"
Carnage's shadow loomed over Chaos. "Chaos," Carnage growled. "I can't believe that our beloved fuku-clad incarnation of Mass Destruction is going to date you, and here you are complaining!!"
Hotaru's eyes widened in joyous surprise. "Ah! We're going on a date?!"
Chaos' eyes ballooned out in stunned disbelief.
Everyone: "NA NI?!"
Michiru raised an eyebrow in curiousity. Haruka developed a rather nasty twitch with her eyebrow. Carnage developed a nasty twitch to match.
Hotaru lovingly glomped onto Chaos' arm. "Ah! How romantic! Can we go to dinner tomorrow, Chaos-chan?"
"We're not about to have you two go unescorted," Michiru stepped in. "After all, tomorrow is a school day."
"Oh, Michiru-momma!' Hotaru pouted.
"I can't believe you're encouraging them!" Haruka muttered.
"She's not a little girl anymore, love."
"I know, but she's not sixteen years old again either."
From behind them, something in the crater stirred. Pesti-chan glanced back, abruptly super deforming as he saw Havoc dusting off the tuxedo that he was suddenly wearing as he stepped out from the smoking crater. "Um, guys," he piped up, tapping Chaos' shoulder.
"Michiru-san," Ami-chan said, happily leaned against Mayhem. "Carrot-chan and I can double-date and act as escorts."
"What?" Chaos asked. "You want to pair us up with a walking fire hazard?"
"And I for one want to be as far away from ground zero when she winds up using her glaive on you, Chaos," Mayhem retorted.
Rei turned back and recoiled as she saw the suave Havoc emerge. Yet before she could act, she was suddenly swept up in his arms.
"Rei-chan," Havoc said, his piercing gaze reaching into her eyes. "For so long have I been haunted by your face. It's so beautiful it's all I see when close my eyes to sleep and when I wake up. And even in my dreams I cannot escape your beauty."
Rei blushed, entranced by the new Havoc.
Havoc leaned closer, his lips perilously close to hers. "I love you, Hino Rei."
"Um, Chaos!" Pesti-chan cut in, frantically tapping his overlord sensei's shoulder. "You might really wanna take a look at this!!"
Havoc pushed forward, his lips meeting Rei's in a passionate kiss. Rei blushed, any protest she had dying down as she closed her eyes and let him kiss her.
"Yagumo-san," she whispered, clinging to him as he kissed the nape of her neck.
Pesti-chan was reduced to bug-eyed SD mode, his hair standing on end as a sweatdrop floated by along with the scrolling kana for "what the hell?!".
And at that moment, the dying rays of a setting sun sank over the horizon. Rei opened her eyes to see a female Havoc in a tuxedo kissing her. "IYAAA!!! ECCHI!!!" she screamed, punting Havoc into the distant apartment towers.
"Hm? You say something, Pesti-chan?" Mayhem asked, glancing back as a shuddering Rei made her way back to the group. But with the threat already booted into high orbit, Mayhem concentrated back on Chaos trying to save himself from Haruka's Space Sword.
Pesti-chan just backed away from the crater. "Chaos, just where the hell did you get that jacket from?" he muttered, shaking his head.
"Look, I'll make sure nothing happens between Hotaru and Chaos," Carnage cut in. He shot a dark glance at Chaos. "And believe me, nothing *had* better happen."
Doffing his kawaii kitty ears, Chaos shrank further into Hotaru's arms. "H-H-Hai...."
Minako: "Ne, Carnage, did you want to go out on a date?"
Carnage: "I'm sorry, but my heart belongs to someone else."
Usagi: "Wah! Who?"
Chaos, Mayhem & Pesti: "Anarchy."
Sailor Senshi: o.O
Chaos: [groan!] "I can't take much more of this! Would somebody please cue the eyecatch?!"
Hotaru: [fondly holding hands] "Chaos-chan...!"
Haruka: [with Space Sword] "Ne, Michiru, can't I hurt him just a little?"
[Cue the eyecatch!]

Onwards to part B
Back to Fanfics