Jyuban park was quite beautiful on that Monday evening...not counting the large set of
tread marks and crushed cars in the parking lots, mind you. Yes, you could hear the serene sounds
of nature: birds chirping, leaves rustling, children laughing, and a terrified SD version of Chaos
frantically trying to outrun another legion of oversized Gentle Uteruses crashing down from
"You know," Mayhem remarked, watching Chaos stick out his tongue as the Gentle
Uteruses missed him--only to smack headlong into a tree. "Most guys just try to impress their
dates. Chaos is the first one I know who's being impressed more than his date."
Hotaru sighed. "Chaos-chan, quit playing around! You're here with me, remember?"
"Stupid Sailor Star Polaris," Chaos muttered, peeling his face off the tree. "Why does she
always have to ruin my--?!"
[Cue the Gentle Uterus!]
Carnage: [staring up at the sky] "Just where do those things fall from anyways?"
Mayehem: [shrug!] "Quite possibly from an orbital platform. Maybe the Nadesico's
transpositional cannon fires them off."
He turned to the ladies of the group. "Now, does anyone want to go out to dinner?"
"Hai!" Hotaru enthusiastically piped up, dragging Chaos out from beneath the smouldering
Ami-chan wrapped her hands around Mayhem's waist, pulling his back tightly into her
breasts. "You know what I want," she whispered seductively into his ear.
Seconds later, a large fireball was seen across the city to be rising up from somewhere in
Jyuban Park. "Arigato, Mayhem," Carnage remarked, coughing up a li'l smoke cloud. "I really
didn't need this shirt anyways."
"Ara, I can't exactly say that I feel safe letting Hotaru-chan go with you after witnessing
something like that," a familiar voice remarked.
Everyone turned around to see an elegantly dressed Setsuna stolling up towards them.
"Setsuna-momma!" Hotaru exclaimed happily, racing up to her other parental unit.
"What brings you here?" Mayhem inquired, lacing arms with Ami, after properly dusting
himself off (naturally!).
"I'm here to check up on Hotaru-chan," Setsuna replied. "You didn't think you'd just be
able to run off with our little Hime-chan, did you?"
"Setsuna-momma!" Hotaru protested, just a little embarrassed.
"Ah, but there is only one princess for my heart," another voice suddenly rang out. "And it
is you, my time-travelling goddess!"
Mayhem tapped Chaos on the shoulder and then pointed to a nearby cluster of trees.
"Shimatta! Chaos, look at that!"
Havoc grinned, leaning against on of the trunks, dressed in a rugged but very suave set of
clothes. One item in particular was the black leather Hentai jacket given to him by Chaos.
Setsuna's eyes narrowed. "Not you again?!"
Havoc sighed. "Oh, what a perverse abomination I was. But I have reformed of my ways
now, Setsuna-chan. I have seem the light, and it radiates out from your literal timeless beauty.
Such fine tanned skin, wondrous eyes and silken hair."
All the fanboys went into bug-eyed SD mode.
The next thing they knew, Havoc was holding Setsuna in his arms. "Grant me at least this
one favour of tasting the centuries of passion upon your lips!"
And then he dropped his head and kissed Setsuna.
Chaos: o.O "NA NI?!"
Carnage: "Oh yeah...he's gonna snap and grab her panties."
Mayhem: [nod!] "And she's gonna Dead Scream him right into the next fanfic. Popcorn?"
Carnage: "If that's the case we can only pray he's the first to get his Star Seed ripped outta
his forehead. Hey, quit hoggin' all the salt!"
Setsuna blinked, utterly stunned and utterly glowing pink. "Sugoi," she remarked, unable
to shake the evidently aroused sensations she was feeling. "I haven't been kissed like that in
Chaos, Mayhem & Havoc: o.O
Havoc bowed. "And now if I may be so inclined as to take you out to dinner and dancing
tonight, I can show you a thousand nights of pleasure all in one."
Setsuna nodded, dreamily staring into his eyes.
"Dammit!" Chaos exclaimed, booting Havoc into the air. "This wasn't supposed to
happen! I want our 'Puu-chan panty theft' running gag back!!"
"Farewell, my love!" Havoc exclaimed, blowing kisses back to everyone there. Ladies all
over the park swooned, much to the unease of the other fanboys present.
"You...like me having my panties stolen?" came Setsuna's very unimpressed voice from
Chaos' eyes bugged out upon realizing that Setsuna was now looming darkly over him.
"Ano...on a scale of one to ten, how badly is this going to hurt me?"
Mayhem sighed, glancing down at his watch as Chaos received yet another thrashing. "I'd
say that's a good 8.7 on the Smite O'Meter. At this rate we'll never get into the actual date itself."
Carnage shrugged. "I can live with that."
Just then a flailing Chaos crashed facefirst into the ground. Hotaru sighed, shaking her
head. "Chaos-chan, you really need to work on getting along with Setsuna-momma,
Michru-momma and Haruka-poppa if you want me to be your bride one day," she said, hoisting
his li'l SD form onto her shoulders.
Carnage's eyebrow twitched. "B-B-B-Bride...?!"
Mayhem glanced up at the distant dot that was Havoc. "Ne, Chaos, just what the hell was
in that leather jacket you gave Havoc?"
Chaos shrugged. "Well, as you know, not all the bugs were wiped out in F5!'s Dragon Bra
Mayhem sighed. "Remember the last time we tried to play God with our character
profiles?" he asked. "Or need I remind you of the Fanboys! recapfic and the Backstreet Fanboys
"Come on!" Chaos scoffed. "So Havoc's not a hentai anymore. What could possibly
happen as a result of this?!"
Carnage produced an enormous set of pan-dimensional paperwork. "Would you like the
shortlist? Or did Setsuna's pummeling erase your memory of the past half a page?"
"You changed Yagumo's personality?" Ami-chan asked.
Chaos grinned. "I found a bug that reverses a character's profile, and managed to stitch it
into the inner lining of Havoc's leather jacket. That's why he's acting like this instead of just
running around and stealing panties. The city's a safe place now, all thanks to me!"
Carnage shook his head. "Chaos no baka! You've just put Tokyo into an even greater
Mayhem nodded. "Look, that jacket has caused Havoc to go into mega-playboy mode
instead of Hentenno-sama mode. You saw how he's seducing every babe he's ever stolen panties
from with just a few lines from a really bad Sailor Moon hentaific, and a kiss."
Chaos was plagued with a large set of question marks. "So?"
"Think about it, Chaos: if Havoc breeds, and those kids have both his mega-playboy and
hentai DNA, they will all seduce every last babe in Anime and breed at an exponential rate."
Chaos shrieked. "KYAAAAA!!!! IT'LL BE A WORLD OF HENTAI-SAMA'S!!!
Carange pulled out his Zanba sword. "Because I'm a sporting fanboy, Chaos, I'll give you
until the end of this fanfic to reverse the effect otherwise you'll be the next thing fired out of the
Hotaru shuffled her feet. "Ano, is this going to ruin our date?" She was trying to hide her
disappointment and was not succeeding very well.
The three fanboys uneasily looked at each other.
"I tried to be pretty for you, Chaos-chan," Hotaru said, tears starting to well up in her
eyes. "I really did! I was hoping you'd like this dress too."
By this time Chaos was nothing but Bambi eyes, his lower lip trembling. Seconds later the
ever heroic fanboy went into sobbing waterworks...the geysers of cold tears making Mayhem go
Jusenkyo yet again.
"WAAAAAHHHH!!! Carnage, can't you do something?" Chaos asked, sniffling. "Maybe
you can patrol the city for Havoc and even the crazed killer while the rest of us have dinner with
Mayhem the Jusenkyo Newt, now perched on Ami-chan's shoulder, held up a sign that
said: "Will you cut that out, you whining dolt?!'
Carnage scowled. "And leave you alone with her, Chaos? Absolutely no way in--" He
abruptly stopped upon seeing Hotaru's pleading eyes. "Oh, all right!" he sulked. "I'll go check out
the area in my Autozanian FTO."
Hotaru smiled, starting to happily laugh as she reached up and held hands with Chaos.
Chaos also started to laugh--very nervously as Carnage brought out his Zanba blade and decided
to test its sharpness on a nearby tree.
"Pesti-chan," Chaos muttered. "You had better be suffering just as much as I am."
* * *
Well as much as you must be dying to know what happens next to Chaos & Mayhem in
their dates (Quick! Somebody grab a defibulator before we lose all our readers!), the author now
jumps up to apartment 206. Unfortunately he forgot that Makoto had closed the window and
instead jumped into that. So as his kawaii group of lady writing assistants peel him off the
window, let us instead go to the action inside:
* * *
"Ara, just a little more," Makoto said, leaning over examine Pesti-chan's first attempt at
cooking grilled Miso chicken.
Pesti-chan adjusted the heat setting on the hibachi, getting read to flip over the chicken.
"Hai!" he exclaimed happily, beaming.
Mako-chan blushed a little as his enthusiasm. "I'll just finish on this chocolate cake. Don't
forget to watch out for your buns."
Pesti-chan swatted aside the sweatdrop and sucked back in his ballooning eyes.
Now it was Mako-chan's turn to receive the sweatdrop. "Iya! I didn't mean...that is...not
"And what's the matter with my butt anyways?" Pesti-chan asked, turning around and
striking a muscular body-builder flexing pose. "I keep fit, don't I? Ne?"
Chaos: "Okay, that's it! I'm fast-forwarding this scene! I refuse to let him actually get
somewhere on his date with my Mako-chan!"
Haruka: [with Space Sword!] "*WHOSE* Mako-chan, Chaos?"
"The steamed buns with the miso pork filling!" Mako-chan protested. "They're almost
Pesti-chan facevaulted, suddenly glad he decided against flexing in a pair of speedos. "Ah
yes...the pork buns." He sighed, attending to the steamer. "I can't belive I'm here learning how to
cook with my Mako-chan," he said, staring at his queen goddess above all.
"*WHOSE* Mako-chan?!?!" came the loud echo of his lordship Chaos rumbling across
the city, the shockwave sending Pesti-chan flailing about in the air on an abrupt and less than
graceful trip over the kitchen counter and into the living room.
"How the hell does he do that?" Pesti-chan muttered, picking himself off the couch.
Mako-chan lifted her head from out of one of the cupboards. "Na ni? Did you just hear
something, Kamui?" She blinked at him. "How did you wind up over there?"
Pesti-chan massaged his neck as he walked back to the kitchen. "Gravity is abritrary to us
fanboys," he glibly replied. He nervously shuffled back around the counter, finishing off grilling his
"Ano, Mako-chan, I was wondering...um...damn this is hard. Look, you know that...that I
really like you. And I was hoping that...um...ah...that unless you had a problem with it, we could,
you know. We could be a...I'm asking for you to be my...gi...my, my girlfriend...?"
Makoto smiled and turned off the electric mixer. "Ah, finally done!" She blinked and
glanced over at the underlord. "Oh, were you saying something, Kamui?"
Pesti-chan instantly reverted into a stone gargoyle that cracked apart, the kana for
'Cruel!!!' pulverizing the remaining debris. "I-It was nothing," he lamented.
[Pesti-chan turns to the author.]Pesti: "Damn your plot devices for romatic tension!"
Mako-chan gave a satisfied sigh and looked down at the mix. "All we have to do is pour
this into the mould, and set it into the oven!"
A teary, Bambi-eyed Pesti-chan sniffled. "H-Hai...."
Just then the doorbell rang. "I've got it," Mako-chan said, walking over to the front door.
"If it's Chaos, let me open it for you," Pesti-chan added, polishing a large cabbage. "I
Mako-chan opened with her usual cheerful smile. "Oha...yo?!"
Pesti-chan looked up, and went into bug-eyed SD form as he recoiled upon seeing the
door be proudly pushed open and a sauve suit-clad Havoc crashland into the apartment.
"Beautiful roses for a beautiful woman," Havoc said, dusting himself off, kneeling down
and gently taking Mako-chan's hand in his.
Makoto blushed as Havoc reverntly kissed the back of her hand. "H-H-Hai..." she
Havoc abruptly stood, pressing his chest against hers, his piercing eyes staring right into
Makoto's soul. "Mako-chan," he said, his voice low and smooth. "I have become enchanted by
your magic, and am held captive by your face wherever I go. All I ask is for one kiss, that I might
be freed forever."
Before anyone (even the author) could protest to the humanity of it all, Havoc titled
Makoto back and swept her up in a passionate kiss. Makoto blushed, her hands hanging limply at
her sides for a moment...before reaching up to tenderly grip Havoc's shoulders.
Havoc stood back up, separating from the blushing Mako-chan.
"Su...sugoi," she whispered, completely entranced by his playfully enigmatic smile.
"I would be honoured if you might join me at a dinner set just for the two of us, that I
might forever gaze into your eyes and become lost in your beauty, that I might be your love slave
for as long as I live."
"Nagumo-san...." Makoto whispered.
Havoc paused as someone tapped him on the shoulder. "Oro?"
[Cue the oversized demonic head of Pesti-chan!!!]
Pesti: [ever so polite voice] "Havoc...JUST WHAT THE [beep!] [beep!] ARE YOU
DOING WITH *MY* MAKO-CHAN?!?!?!"
Seconds later Mako-chan's new apartment was sporting a trendy new skylight in the shape
of one mega-playboy fanboy. Gasping for air over the close encounter, Pesti-chan watched
through the window as he saw Havoc's form disappear into the upper atmosphere of Earth, quite
possibly colliding with the orbitting Libra colony.
Makoto swooned, almost tumbling into the floor. "Wha--what happened?" she moaned as
Pesti-chan caught her and dragged her to the couch.
Pesti-chan shook his head. "A wrinkle in the plot that really needs to be steam-pressed.
Daijobu, Mako-chan; you're safe now."
The two glanced down, blushing incredibly deep upon realizing they were holding hands.
Pesti-chan's eyeballs grew twice their normal size, overtaking all other features on his face. Both
him and Mako-chan immediately recoiled to opposite side of the room, laughing nervously.
Mako-chan: "Ah ha haaaaa...oh! The chicken's burning!"
Pesti: [sigh!] "Ah ha haaaa...curse our author."
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