THE LORD CHAOS THEORY
It was late at night. In a dark room, a shadowy figure sat in front of a computer, feverishly typing away. What little that could be seen of said figure's face was covered in reflected type from the computer screen, just like in those bad science fiction movies.
"It's finished!" he said outloud, "Now let's see if it will work."
The shadowy figure hit the enter key. And had this not been reality, the enter key would have most likely hit back, but instead what he got was:
[computer screen] "are you sure you want to do this? y/n."
"Yes!" he said while hitting the "y" key.
[computer screen] "Are you *really*, sure? y/n?"
"Of course!" in a repeat of the above maneuver.
[computer screen] "Last chance. Are you absolutely-by-gosh-I'm-not-going-to-regret-this-later sure?" y/n"
"Absolutely!" in a repeat of the repeat.
[computer screen] "It's your funeral..... sucker."
In a subdued, and to be honest, a rather pathetic excuse of an electronic pyrotechnics display, our shadowy figure was sucked into the computer screen.
[And before we switch scenes, the author was heard to say, "Heh, heh. I can't believe he actually went for it. You'd think he'd have earned the first time. BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA *cough cough hack*"]
* * *
Meanwhile in another fic, in the world of the Fanboys!, Lord Chaos was crawling out from what had to have been one of the worse multiple smitings of his life. Not only did Carnage hit him with the Super Gundam Press, but Anarchy nailed him with the Tokyo Tower. To round out the ensemble, Star Sailor Polaris Gentle Uterused him for getting her name wrong....again.
As his royal compactedness staggered over to the couch, Dark Mayhem looked up from his stock portfolio report. "You really are a smite magnet, aren't you?"
"Hai," lamented Chaos, "Why am I always the one to get rendered 2-D all the time...except when Desolation shows up, that is."
Pesti-chan looked up from rummaging in the fridge. "Two words: author enjoyment."
"And because you just beg for it sometimes," said Carnage as he headed back to his room to start yet again on the Escafanboy prototype.
"But those aren't the only reasons, Chaos," said a voice out of thin air next to Chaos. Which caused Chaos to go SD and activate the power of ytivarg and paste himself to the ceiling. However, gravity is stronger than ytivarg and Chaos made an abrupt return to the couch.
"Well, that's a first," said Dark Mayhem, "he landed without anything happening to him."
Which was when the ceiling, weakened by the initial impact, came loose and fell on top of Chaos.
"Spoke too soon," said Pesti-chan.
As an accordioned SD Chaos pulled himself out from under the ceiling, the mysterious voice said, "Sorry about that. Didn't mean to startle you and activate the probability field. Hope it didn't hurt much."
Pesti-chan came back into the living room carrying several bottles of hard lemonade. "Who are you?" he asked, tossing bottles to everyone.
"Yeah," said Dark Mayhem, "And where are you?"
"More visitors, I see," said Carnage, coming back from the hallway and making an impressive behind the back catch of the bottle of hard lemonade.
"Second question first," said the voice. "Where I'm at is sorta here...or at least it will be here as soon as I can find a seam on the fic."
"Seam on the fic?" asked Chaos?
"Sure! You guys know you're in a fic world, right? Well, I'm in-between fics right now. I'm trying to find a seam and get in that way. Otherwise, you'll have a repeat of F5 where that freaky dragon bra bug was ripping textual black holes in the fic."
"No, we don't want a repeat of that," said Chaos, experiencing a really nasty flashback of the events of F5.
"Exactly! Ah, there it is." Suddenly, a split in the fabric of the fic appeared. Out stepped a young man. He turned and passed his hand over the split, which then sealed up. Nodding to himself in satisfaction he turned to face the Fanboys. "Ohayo y'all! Now, to answer your first question, I'm...KYAAAAA!" The stranger's introduction was cut short as the floor, weakened by the numerous smitings of the previous fics, gave way under his feet.
"Great," sighed Dark Mayhem, "We've got another gratuitous self-inserted avatar who thinks he's a Lord of Mass Destruction in our world."
"Can't be too gratuitous if he just fell through the floor." remarked Pesti.
"Maybe he's just a klutz, like Chaos," said Carnage.
Chaos: "Hai! Maybe he's a klutz like....HEY!"
"Ouch..." said the young man, climbing up out of the hole. "That hurt. A lot. Now how'd that happen? Must have a weak floor joist. Oh well...." He looked over at Dark Mayhem. "And no, I'm not a Lord of Mass Destruction."
"Then who are you?" asked Chaos.
"Well, I have *a* title of Mass Destruction, but not a Lordship title," said the stranger. "For I am in command of an army of words! I am...." [tosses cape over one shoulder and strikes a dramatic pose] "General Devastation!"
Pesti: "General Devastation?"
Dark Mayhem: "Army of words?"
Carnage: "Ano...Where'd that cape come from?"
Chaos: "The epaulets on the cape are a nice touch, however."
"Hai!" said Devastation, "I'm a tech writer and while working on the thesis for my advanced technical writing degree, I accidentally stumbled onto a working theory of quantum technical writing. I'm now able to control the power of the written word and get into any fic anywhere on the internet."
"Nice plot contrivance," said Pesti.
"Arigato!" said Devastation, "I thought it pretty good myself. The only drawback was this really nasty contractual firewall that I had to sign to get past my system."
"Contractual firewall?" asked Dark Mayhem.
"Yeah. Here's my copy of the contract," said Devastation, pulling a stack of papers out from under the cape and tossing them to Dark Mayhem.
"Sugoi! This thing must be over three inches thick! What all does it say?" asked Dark Mayhem, thumbing through the contract.
"Dunno. I just signed and got into the fic worlds," replied Devastation, looking around the apartment.
Pesti looked over to Carnage. "That explains falling through the floor."
"Yep, he's screwed," said Carnage as everyone started to slowly edge away from Devastation to minimize the damage they might receive from being anywhere near him.
Oblivious to the remarks going on around him, Devastation continued. "I got some nifty abilities and a couple of really keen smites out of the deal! But that's not why I'm here. I'm here because of you, Chaos," said Devastation spinning around to point at Chaos. Which would have been a very stylistic and dramatic move, had the cloak gone along with the plan. As it was, Devastation's feet got tangled in the cloak. Arms windmilling, Devastation did a perfect face plant into the floor.
"And just where does it say that this is supposed to happen to me?" asked Devastation, his voice muffled by the floor.
"Page 147, Section L, Sub-section 35, Paragraph 17, fifth line: 'one face plant per story, not including face-vaults,'" replied Dark Mayhem, flipping through the pages of the contract.
"You know, this could actually be interesting to watch for a change," remarked Chaos.
An SD Devastation leapt to his feet...and promptly fell over again, this time totally wrapped up in the cloak.
"Yep. Definitely more interesting to watch," said Chaos.
After a few moments of getting untangled, the SD'd Devastation tore the cloak off. "So much for that. I though the cloak would look great...and why is the world suddenly a lot larger? Woah!" he said, looking down at his SD body. "This is surreal...and the compression is backing up my sinuses something fierce."
"Congratulations Chaos. We've found someone more cursed than you or Desolation," said Pesti.
"Not quite, Pesti." said Dark Mayhem, still reading through the contract. "According to this, Devastation is contracted to be a straight man for any set-up, punch line, or slap-stick routine the author or authors wish to use involving him."
"So he's not cursed," said Carnage, "he's..."
"Comedy relief." replied Dark Mayhem, handing the contract back to Devastation.
"Same difference in my view," said a now normal, but slightly peeved Devastation, putting the contract away in a sub-fic pocket dimension and pulling out a glass of Bushmill's 1608 on the rocks. "I gotta start reading before I sign. You would have thought I'd have learned my lesson last time with that ground zero test subject job, but noooo, I had to go and do it again...."
"As much as I enjoy hearing about other folks' cursedness, can we get to the point of your being here?" asked Chaos.
"Oh yeah, right! Carnage, Pesti, and Dark Mayhem; could I have you step into the kitchen while I set up? And Chaos, you just stay right here and....and....[sweatdrop] uh, continue to try on those new pumps."
Chaos: ^_^ "Arigato! Won't these look great with my new black dress?"
Devastation: "Oy vey...."
Shaking his head and muttering something about 'cross-dressing gender-transforming fanboys' under his breath, Devastation downed the drink and opened another seam in the fic, pulling out several pieces of high tech doohickeys, widgets, and thingamabobbers.
[Authors note: Technobabble at it's finest! ^_^]
"Just where are you getting all of that equipment?" asked Carnage.
"Other fic worlds. I just reach in and grab what I need from various fics. There's an incredible amount of forgotten material just lying around the net," said Devastation. After a frenzied moment of building, he had constructed a green-tinted animetronic screen with several high-tech looking attachments at the base of the screen. Stenciled on the side of some of the attachments were the logos for Genom, NERV, and Washu Industries. Placing the screen at the entrance of the kitchen, he toggled the on switch and moved to stand next to Carnage, Dark Mayhem, and Pesti.
"So what does this thing do?" asked Carnage. "Can you blow things up with it?"
"Sorry, no destructive capabilities," said Devastation.
"Then what good is it?" asked Carnage, starting to lose interest.
"You can see acts of destruction as they are about to occur to other people," said Devastation.
"One moment. I need to calibrate it to Chaos' personal field. Pesti, could you do a cabbage smite on Chaos, please?"
[Cue cabbages falling from out of nowhere and smiting Chaos!]
On the animetronic screen, a 3D image of Chaos formed, surrounded by a glowing energy field.
"Thank you," said Devastation, as a green light came on at the base of the screen. "Okay, now as you know Chaos is the ultimate smite magnet in fanfics, with the possible exception of Desolation. The reason for that, other than author intervention, is that Chaos is the focal point of one of the most powerful chaos theory probability fields in existence. To be honest, it may be that he has this high of a probability field because of the author. Anyway, this device is a chaos theory probability scanner. The scanner allows us to see the probability field around Chaos and how it reacts to what he says and does."
"Interesting. So that could be why he's always generally getting abused in every fic." said Dark Mayhem.
"Possibly. It's also why at some time or another, everyone else has had something happen to them. Everyone is surrounded by the probability field, but to a lesser extent, and what usually happens is that someone will say or do something that causes the field to initiate a chaos event. Sometimes, the field just flares up for no reason and things happen. It's pretty unpredictable." replied Devastation. "Here, let me show you how he can talk himself into activating a low level chaos probability event. Please watch the screen."
Devastation walked over to Chaos.
Chaos pulled himself out of the pile of cabbages. "What was that for?!" he asked, picking loose cabbage leaves out of his hair. "I'll never get the stains out of my dress!"
"Don't worry, this is all being done in the name of science, so you'll be reimbursed," said Devastation. "But before I continue, I wanted to let you know that in getting here, I came across one of your Chaosfic crossovers."
"Really? Which one?" asked Chaos.
"Army of Pokemon," replied Devastation, glancing over at Dark Mayhem, Carnage, and Pesti, who were still looking at the animetronic screen. Dark Mayhem looked up at Devastation and rolled his eyes in exasperation at the mention of the Chaosfic title.
Chaos: ^_^ "A literary masterpiece, wouldn't you agree? And the main elements of both made the crossover a natural!"
"Just because the main characters are both named Ash does not signify that it's good crossover material!" exclaimed Devastation.
Chaos: "But the folks at SVAM loved riffing it!"
Meanwhile, on the animetronic screen, Dark Mayhem, Pesti, and Carnage noticed that as Chaos and Devastation continued arguing, the probability field surrounding Chaos was getting brighter, and a power level meter showing the strength of the field was slowly moving into the red.
"Look Chaos, the odds of 'Good, bad, I'm the one with the pikachu' getting immortalized in Bartlett's Familiar Quotations is next to impossible!" retorted Devastation.
"Feh. What do you know about creating great and memorable works of fiction? You're just a tech writer."
A chorus of "uh oh's" came from Dark Mayhem, Carnage, and Pesti as the field around Chaos flared up. At the bottom of the screen appeared the words 'level 3 chaos probability event imminent. ' They looked up to see Devastation gritting his teeth.
"Just a tech writer?" Devastation said softly through clenched teeth. "Chaos, you bring this, one of the most
psychologically damaging smites, upon yourself." With that, Devastation snapped his fingers.
"Psychologically damaging?" asked Pesti.
"5.... Hai, the STS," replied Devastation, "4..."
"STS?" asked Carnage.
"3.... The sweet 'tater smite. 2....."
"'Sweet 'tater smite?'" scoffed Chaos. "How's that psychologically damaging?"
"1... If you're not from the South, sweet potatoes are known as yams."
[Cue sweet 'taters that fall from nowhere and smite Chaos!]
As the sweet 'taters landed on Chaos, Dark Mayhem pulled out a stopwatch. "Yep. This smite ought to freak him out, especially after the Chibiusa smite of Senshi Chaos a while back. He'll come flying out of there just about.....now!"
An SD Chaos exploded out of the pile of sweet 'taters. "KYAAAA!!!! YAMS!!!!" His lil' SD legs a blur, Chaos ran in a straight line panic....directly into one of the temporary support beams holding up a section of what was left of the ceiling.
As Chaos slumped to the floor, his eyes all swirly, Devastation turned back to the others. "As you see, the scanner shows the flare-ups of the probability field, the power level of the chaos event, and when the event is about to happen. The scanner will work on anyone, but since Chaos is known for something happening to him on an almost hourly basis, I chose him as the test subject. Actually, I don't know if it will work on Desolation. That 'Wu' thing of his has me stumped. Now that I know the scanner works properly, I'll start work on a portable hand-held version.
Using the scanner, you should be able to prevent a chaos theory event by stopping whatever action you are taking before the power level hits the red."
Devastation then spoke to Chaos, "Gomen, Chaos. Now you can see why you are always getting smited and generally abused. I didn't want to do that, but sometimes sacrifices must be made for science."
Shaking off the swirlyness, Chaos jumped to his feet. "SACRIFICE THIS TO SCIENCE!!!!"
[Cue the Victorian-era claw foot bathtub that falls from nowhere and smites Devastation!]
"This is unusual," said Carnage, looking at the screen, "normally, when Chaos does that, it either doesn't work or he is immediately hit with a return smite. This time, nothing is happening to the chaos field around him.
"Remember Devastation's contract?" said Dark Mayhem.
"Oh, right. Comedy relief and set-ups. I suppose that also explains the cow wearing the shower cap in the bathtub." Said Carnage.
Cow: [confused] "Moo?"
A 2D Devastation slithered out from under the bathtub. Reaching up to grab his head, Devastation gave himself a quick shake, popping back into 3D form.
"One of these days, Chaos you're going to run out of that supply of cows," said Devastation noticing the cow. "And I can see how you'd feel about this. Fortunately, I'm above petty revenge and won't nail you with a downpour of ceramic lawn jockeys."
"Hah! I'd like to see you try," said Chaos, giving Devastation a Bronx cheer.
Devastation went back to the others at the scanner. Carnage, Dark Mayhem, and Pesti looked at him expectantly.
"As I said, I'm above petty revenge," Devastation explained again, "If I wanted smite him hard, I would have torched him with a grammar flame." After a short pause he added, "I prefer to use third-party full scale retribution. Hey, Chaos! How goes your attempt to get the lake god from Beans?"
"That'll do it," remarked Pesti.
"Exactly. The best part is that he'll bring it all on himself," said Devastation.
"Argh! She refuses to give in! I am the true owner of the lake god! Curse you Beans! I deserve to have it! I won't give up! Did America give up when the Bugrom bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!"
"Bugrom?" asked Devastation.
"Don't ask, he's on a roll," said Pesti.
"Uh, guys. You better have a look at this," said Dark Mayhem, pointing at the screen.
On the screen, the field surrounding Chaos was getting noticeably brighter and the power level of the event was going into the red and off the meter.
Chaos continued to rant. "I *will* have the lake god! It belongs here with me! When will she learn that I will prevail!"
[Animetronic screen]: "Level 5...level 6...level 7...level 10..."
The animetronic screen exploded while Devastation was leaning in to get a better look at the readings. Carnage coughed and waved away the smoke in his face. "I'm guessing that this is not a good sign for Chaos is it?"
"Nope," said a singed and soot covered Devastation.
"Good," said Carnage, "I love destruction, especially when it happens to Chaos."
Chaos: "IT WILL BE MINE!!! BWAH HAHAHAH!!!!"
Devastation: [panicked look on face] "Everyone duck! Incoming calimari!!"
[Cue flying calimari!]
*THOCK* *THOCK* *THOCK* *THOCK*
Three Fanboys and one Fanboy fanboy looked up to see Chaos pinned to the wall by four squids.
"Well, that's a new one," remarked Dark Mayhem, pulling out a camera and taking a few pictures for posterity.
"Methinks Beans is a might testy today," said Chaos, trying without success to unpin himself.
A fifth squid imbedded into the wall between Chaos' legs, causing the others to wince and instinctively cover certain parts of their anatomy.
Chaos: [high pitched squeak] "Eep!"
"And she's not quite finished, I see." said Pesti as a terrified octopus adhered itself to Chaos' face.
"You know, it's kind of incredible the pain and punishment he brings down upon himself, chaos field notwithstanding. He truly is a baka," said Devastation.
"You were doubting that after all this time?" asked Carnage.
"Well, it's one thing to read it. It's another to actually experience it. Maybe I ought to look into a possible theory that Chaos is ultimate avatar of bakaness."
Devastation walked over to where Chaos was pinned to the wall. After a thinking a moment, he reached through the side of the fic and pulled out a very large picture frame and placed it around Chaos. He then put a small placard at the bottom that said 'Clueless Fanboy in Still Life, by Beans.'
"I may not know art, but I know what I like." said Devastation. He then looke back at the destroyed chaos
probability scanner. "Darn. That was the only prototype. Now I'll have to build a new one. This time, I'll install a surge protector."
"Gomen," said Pesti, "but the property destruction rate in these fics run close to 100%."
"Yare yare. Well, it's been...interesting. Have to go now and check some other fic worlds out and see about
rebuilding the scanner. I might run across you again in my travels. Now, where is the proper seam...." Devastation opened a small seam in the fic and stuck his head in. A moment later, a muffled "KYAAAA!!!" and an explosion was heard. Devastation pulled out his smoking, charred head. He coughed and said, "A Slayers ficworld. And Rule 37 is true."
Devastation tried again. This time he managed to open a seam to the in-between of ficworlds. He stepped through and was gone.
"That was different," remarked Dark Mayhem, sweeping the parts of the chaos scanner into a box.
"Hai," said Carnage. "Hey, let me have that. I might be able to use the parts."
Just then, there was a loud thump out in the hall followed by a knock on the door. Carnage, Pesti, and Dark Mayhem looked at each other, remembering that usually when there was a knock on the door, something unpleasant was about to happen.
Pesti: [sigh] "I'll get it."
He opened the door. No one was there. Looking around, he saw a crate in the hallway addressed to the Fanboys. "Someone left this outside for us," he said, dragging the crate in.
Opening the crate, the Fanboys (and Chaos, who finally managed to unpin himself from wall and peel off the squid and octopus) found a box addressed to Chaos and four high-tech backpacks with rifle attachments, along with a small box with a handle, long cord and a foot switch. Taped to the small box with the handle was a note. It read:
"Ohayo again guys! I found these while traveling the fic worlds. First, the box for Chaos has replacements
for his dress. I entered a Jem ficworld and swiped several accouterments. Truly outrageous does *not*
describe entering a Jem ficworld. Horrifying and emotionally scarring is more like it. Second, I
remembered that you are still having problems with that Mokona thing. These are the only things I'm aware of
that can take out demonic marshmallows. Don't know if it'll work as these don't come from an anime world.
Remember the instructions of not crossing the streams and don't look into the trap. Good luck and see ya!
Yours in mass destruction,
Carnage: [ecstatic look] "Hot damn!!! Unlicensed nuclear accelerators!"
[Cue Fanboys wearing khaki jumpsuits and wearing the backpacks!]
Fanboys: "Who ya gonna call? MOKONABUSTERS!!!!"
Daniel Bell (email@example.com )
(who, upon imbibing too much Bushmills created General Devastation. Now I can't seem to get rid of him. ^_^ )