Déjà Wu: (n) 1. the sense of having
been smited by someone or something
[Cue the entire Evangelion cast standing around Desolation, all of them applauding him!]
Desolation: [???] "What the? Where the hell am I now?"
Desolation: [na ni?] "No, really...thanks."
Desolation: [agitated] "What's everyone congratulating me for?!"
Desolation: o.O; "Oh no...I'm in an EVA mindfuck scene! KYAAAAAAAA!!"
Desolation: [twitching on the ground] "Brain...shutting down...can't cope...incoherent plot...."
Gendo & Yui: "Omedeto."
Havoc: ^-^ [leaping through the female ranks, panties being flung left & right!] "Hotcha!"
Demolition: --;; "Dammit, Havoc! Don't make me kick your ass with my Sword of Light!"
Carnage: [snicker!] "Oh, I'm sure he's terrified now."
Demolition: "Hush, nii-san!"
Pesti: [watching as Havoc steals panties from all the EVA girls] "Just whose dumb idea was this to do an EVA mindfuck moment for our third season opener, anyways?"
Dark Mayhem: [pointing to Chaos] "His."
Chaos: [flustered] "Well it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Carnage: "And I suppose that Gunsmith Thunder Cats fic of your seemed like a good idea at the time too?"
Chaos: [agitated li'l fanboy] "That wasn't me! That was Hysteria's!"
Hysteria: ^-^ "Hai! Wasn't Hysteria's kawaii little fic-chan soooo kawaii?"
Demolition: [shaking his head] "Did they just run out of filters when it came time to clean her gene pool?"
Chaos: [hmph!] "I don't write twisted, uberkawaii schlock like that; I have integrity."
Dark Mayhem: "Oh, and I suppose Akira 1/2 was full of integrity?"
Pesti: --;; "It was full of something, all right."
Havoc: ^-^ "And now, it's time to play the new Gainax Game: Girlfriend of Steel, Panties of Silk!"
Hysteria: ^-^ "Hai, Havoc-poppa! Hysteria can use the kawaii little wooden spanker spoon-chan too, ne? Ne? Ne?"
Demolition: "How about we play 'Smite the Pervert' instead. RA TILT!!!"
Hysteria: ^-^ "Oro-chan?"
Carnage: [sigh!] "Baka Demo-chan."
Demolition: [teary Bambi eyes] "But it almost worked this time!"
Chaos: "Hai...and now the entire scene's covered in Cream Lemon!"
Dark Mayhem: "Will you look at that? There's legs from the entire EVA cast sticking up everywhere."
Pesti: [topped with whipped cream] "Great! Now how are we going to find the cake?"
Demolition: "Even worse, how can I get the girls to see--"
[Demolition rips off his shirt!]
Demolition: "--these magnificent abs!"
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "That's it. I'm leaving."
Chaos: "You can't go yet, Pesti-chan! We have to clean up the introduction for our Fanboys Irrelevant celebration!"
Havoc: ^-^ "We throw some Jello on this and we've got a party!"
Chaos: "Shut up, Havoc!"
Carnage: "Ne, anyone see where Desolation disappeared to?"
Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAA!!! He's escaped from the obligatory intro bit! And now Desolation's lost somewhere in the fanfic!"
Hysteria: "Knowing Deso-poppa, he could be anywhere...."
Dark Mayhem: "Gee, how much more obvious could our foreshadowing be?"
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Deso-poppa?"
[Cue the Omakefic!]
His lordship Chaos presents
A Fanboys Irrelevant! Omakefic
[Cue the Flinstones theme music!]
Desolation: ^^ [singing] "Deso...Desolation! He's so lost in the Gundam story! And the...Zeon forces! Have just dropped on him a colony! (o.O) KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
SIX DEGREES OF DESOLATION
Desolation wobbily picked himself out from the large, space colony- sized crater in the ground. Giving himself a few moments to spit out the various bits of gear & other such mechanical pieces we really shouldn't describe lest our technobabble sound like...um...technobabbly stuff.
Anyhoo, the lost fanboy quickly dusted himself off and checked out his latest surroundings. A sweatdrop appeared next to his head as he noticed the scenery had changed somewhat since that untimely (yet regularly scheduled) colony drop. His first clue was that he wasn't in the Meiji era anymore--though that was a good thing, given how Sanza had bisected him with that big-assed sword simply because the gangster had felt like kicking someone's butt.
With Ruruoni Kenshin evidently far behind and to the right of him, that left Desolation to ponder the significance being stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Upon consulting one of his trusty maps, he pinpointed his position as actually being twenty kilometres from the middle of nowhere. He also pinpointed his hand to his forehead courtesy of a freak staplegun accident, but perhaps we should leave that for another smitefest.
"So where the hell am I today?" Desolation idly remarked, looking at the desert plains through the hole in his hand. "Cool! I look like a donut!"
There was nothing around him save for flat, barren desert wastelands. Stock footage for a Trigun episode--but then again, he had yet to be mistaken for Vash the Stampede and thusly get shot at. So that Anime was out of the question. And that could only mean the question left was, "Look at my fic from the side. Does it look fat to you?"
Well, does it?
Moving right along and thusly skipping the whole Jyubei Craig diet package (need some pounds slashed off your body mass? A handy katana nicely will do the trick!), Desolation wandered throughout the desert plains. He also took the occasional picture of himself next to one of the enormous plateaus that were scattered around. However, the tripod-mounted camera always seemed to either lose its film, or else take the picture after Desolation had been buried in a freak landslide accident...or discovered a patch of quicksand...or took an unexpected biology lesson via a firsthand study of Neoranga's digestive tract.
But he still came out in one piece.
While ensuring his TimeX/1999 watch was still working (it takes a foreordained lickin' and keeps on tickin', ne?), Desolation glanced over his shoulder as he heard a loud scuffling noise. "Na ni?" he remarked.
A ridiculously super-deformed Susano-oh was busy struggling to climb to the top of a massive stone column. It was a perilous ascent, and SD Susano-oh could barely make it off the base before losing his grip and tumbling down to the bottom. Fortunately, SD Aragami are like rubber balls, so he was just fine.
Being the considerate fanboy that he was, Desolation went over and offered to help Susano-oh make the climb. The SD Aragami agreed, hopping onto Desolation's back and lacing his stumpy super-deformed arms around
Desolation's neck. This proved problematic at first, since Desolation was nearly choked to death by Susano-oh's strangling grip.
The ascent took hours, and Desolation had to use numerous pick-axes and other such mountaineering equipment he had purchased off of Go (who was at the time so eager in finding a Fairy that he actually just raced
off, leaving Desolation to pick from his stock). They nearly slipped and plummeted many times, but at long last Desolation pulled himself onto the top of the plateau.
"There we go, little buddy," he said, setting the SD Susano-oh down. Desolation leaned over the edge. "Sugoi! We're up pretty high. That was quite the climb."
And without further ado, SD Susano-oh promptly punted Desolation off the plateau. Then to celebrate his feat of single-handedly conquering the landmass, SD Susano-oh broke out into a happy li'l Aragami dance.
Desolation: [still falling] "Susano-oh, you might want to duck!"
Curious, Susano-oh turned around.
And was immediately creamed by the nose of a low-flying Kushinada Airlines Boeing jet. Susano-oh no!
Desolation: [sigh!] "Some malevolent Aragami just never learn."
Lucky for Desolation though, he was prepared for such emergencies; he had been catapulted off chasms, buildings and other sorts of high altitudes more than once before. Fumbling around with his trusty backpak, Desolation located the ripcord for his emergency parachute. However, instead of his parachute, he deployed the evil demon lord Shabranigdo (but his friends/groveling victims call him "Ruby Eyes").
And yet, Desolation didn't really feel the first pangs of panic until he pulled his emergency ripcord.
[Cue the Cha Cha Maru being deployed from his backpak!]
Desolation: o.O "You've got to be kidding meeeeeeeee!!!"
With a groan that attested to his immortality (but not his invincibility), Desolation picked himself out from the enormous hole in the ground left by the Cha Cha Maru. Being hammered right into the women's bathhouse had been an unexpected bonus to an otherwise painful landing...right until Captain Tita lobbed him into the nearest fish tank and electrocuted him.
Stumbling around, his hair frizzled and his clothes singed, Desolation plunked himself down on a park bench. The fact that he had jumped from a Blue Seed omake back into Tokyo didn't seem to faze him. Although it might have been due to the electric shock he was still recovering from.
Abruptly one of his arms fell out from his sleeves.
"That's gonna hurt tomorrow morning," he remarked, bending over to pick up the severed limb.
The person on the other side of the park bench glanced over their newspaper, noticed the blood spurting from Desolation's sliced appendage, and discreetly shrieked like a girl before dashing down the street.
Gatts: [Run away! Run away!] "And I came here to get away from all this violence!"
Desolation sat back up, only to find himself staring at a Babbit. But not just any Babbit from Child's Toy; this bat-winged rabbit-thingy was wearing a Georgio Ayanami suit and had a tiny, magical wand.
"Ohayo, Desolation!" it said cheerfully. "I'm your Fairy Godbabbit! Pleased to meet you."
Desolation sweatdropped. "Okaaaaay. Getting thumped by the Cha Cha Maru must have done something to me; I'm finally hallucinating."
The Fairy Godbabbit whacked him across the head with the wand.
"Itai!" Desolation exclaimed, rubbing the exaggerated & throbbing bruise sticking out from his hair. "What did you do that for?"
"Did it hurt?" the Fairy Godbabbit asked.
"Good. Then it means you're not hallucinating." And with a grandiose motion, the Fairy Godbabbit held up its graduate certificate.
"'Komawari School of...Fairy Godbabbiting'?" Desolation read. He warily regarded the Babbit. "You're kidding me."
The Fairy Godbabbit tucked away the certificate, flapping itself onto the back of the park bench. "No, if I was joking I would have said, 'Sana, Rei-kun and Hayama walk into a bar--'"
Desolation: --;; "Suddenly my misfortune makes perfect sense."
"Now admittedly I've been away for a while," the Fairy Godbabbit said, flashing Desolation a sincere smile as it pulled out a pencil and notepad. "But since I'm supposed to be your guardian angel and all, care to bring me up to speed on what's been happening in your life?"
Just then, for no apparent reason, a Guymelef crash-landed on Desolation's side of the bench.
"Do the words Smite Magnet mean anything to you?" warbled the lost fanboy's voice from beneath the Alseides.
Carefully checking that its side of the bench was unscathed from the unexpectedly deliberate accident, the Fairy Godbabbit scribbled a few things down. "I sense hostility," it remarked.
Desolation pointed to the 'Wu' mark on his forehead as he popped back up. "You see this? It doesn't come off. It's more permanent than permanent marker--it's the author's personal, permanent marker. Think of it as a big, interdimensional neon sign saying: 'Hey! Hurt me!'"
"Mhmmm," the Fairy Godbabbit replied, nodding to itself. It scribbled down some more notes. "I see. Just my luck to get assigned to protecting the masochistic avatar."
"Just what makes you think I like having entire asteroid fields inexplicably drawn to me?!" Desolation shot back, trying to strangle the Fairy Godbabbit.
But when said guardian mascot can fit into the palm of your hand (not to mention possessing a 1000t Sana-hammer), no good can really come of it.
"So then," the Fairy Godbabbit remarked leisurely as it settled back down onto the remains of the park bench. "I gather you get smited a lot. Care to elaborate?"
Desolation, the Sana-hammer having buried his face into the pavement, twitched. "Give me a moment. I think my eyeballs are stuck in my nasal cavity."
* * *
Saionji and Utena were fighting for the second time.
A duel to see who would possess Anthy, the Rose Bride.
Saionji unsheathed his katana, throwing the scabbard aside. "You know the rules," he stated coldly.
"I lose if my rose gets knocked off my chest by your sword," Utena answered, giving him an equally defiant glare. In her hands she gripped the Sword of Dios.
"Be careful," Anthy said quietly.
Saionji was the captain of the kendo club for a good reason.
And not just because he looked good in a kendo uniform.
There was no official announcement that the duel had begun. The duelists suddenly clashed, neither one moving as they pushed their blades against the other's. Saionji shoved Utena back, and then advanced as she stumbled and tried to regain her balance. She was thrown into strict defense, trying to deflect each vicious blow Saionji dealt her.
Anthy watched from the arena's edge, emotionless.
Saionji's expression was crazed, an enraged glint in his wide eyes as he hammered Utena with the katana. He was definitely pissed off, and seemed intent on making that fact more than well-known to her.
Utena's eyes narrowed. Sure, she had intended to lose this duel, but Saionji seemed intent on killing her in the process! She had to do something, or else wind up having her academic record come to an abrupt and painful end.
Suddenly he swiped at her arm, knocking the Sword of Dios from her grip. Utena hissed, staring in disbelief as her weapon was pushed out from in front of her rose. There was an opening, and Saionji was ready to use it--even if it meant running her through in the process of ripping that rose off her blazer.
"I have you!" he exclaimed triumphantly.
He was fast.
She was faster.
Utena dodged, sidestepping the thrust and covering the rose with her free hand. She slid backwards to a safer distance, trying to catch her breath as Saionji's blow met with only air.
He stood up, pausing for a moment. "I admire your courage," he stated. "You put the rose before your life."
Anthy watched from the arena's edge, emotionless. But now she was solely watching Utena.
"You understand?" Saionji pressed, stalking towards Utena. "Life or death doesn't matter. The one who loses the rose loses the duel."
He stopped, raising his sword and preparing for another charge. To deliver the final blow. Saionji gave a shout, leaping into the air. Utena raised her sword and then took a running leap of her own. The two duelists met in the air, exchanging strikes.
The final blow was denied.
They clashed again, blade pushing against blade. Will pushing against will.
"It may be the Sword of Dios," Saionji stated, forcing Utena back. "But alone it has no special power. In the end it must be wielded by a great swordsman."
Utena was struggling to keep him at bay.
He was an arrogant prick, but he was strong.
Saionji seemed to regard her with even more contempt. "I was careless yesterday, but today I'll show you my true power!"
He abruptly shifted his weight, pushing Utena's sword away from her chest. The opening was there. Saionji seized it, lifting his leg and delivering a merciless kick to Utena's chest.
Her body tumbled across the floor of the arena.
Anthy continued to watch Utena.
But this time her eyes were wide in concern, and she stifled a gasp as she watched Utena struggle to rise off the ground.
Utena lifted her head, glaring up at Saionji. He was going to pay for such a cheap attack.
"Both the sword and Anthy belong to me," he stated, approaching her. He pointed the blade of his katana at her face. "They are intended for the glory of Kyoichi Saionji."
Her eyes narrowed.
The hell she would let it end like this.
She didn't want to lose to him any more.
Saionji raised the katana over his head. "Prepare yourself!" he shouted, on the verge of raking the sword down upon her rose.
Utena's signet ring abruptly began to glow. The power to revolutionize the world was reacting to her will, answering her silent summons. A light began to shimmer from somewhere above in the upside-down castle.
And then a voice called out to her:
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