Both Utena and Saionji came to an abrupt halt in their duel, sharing a puzzled look as they scanned the arena for the other voice. Suddenly a large bathtub crashed down from somewhere above, the white porcelain shattering on impact. Shards washed across the floor, causing Utena and Saionji to leap back in stunned disbelief.
"That's a new look for Dios," Anthy mused to herself.
"Whoever did that is going to regret it," Saionji hissed. He pushed aside one of his long, emerald green locks of hair (comes from eating too many cucumbers, I hear), trying to act as if the plummeting bathtub hadn't shaken him up.
Utena could see otherwise.
The two decided to let revolutionary high school students be revolutionary high school students, and searched the dueling arena for the source of this unexpected interruption. And they finally found him...somewhere on the spinning, upside-down castle.
Desolation: [gravity is arbitrary, ne?] "Does anyone know how I can get down from here?! Or up, depending on your viewpoint?"
Fairy Godbabbit: --;; "I distinctly stated on my application that my obligatory mascot status was Babbit, not bat. I need to get a better agency."
"How the hell did an outsider like you get stuck on the castle?!" Saionji angrily snapped, pointing his sword at Desolation.
The inverted fanboy could only shrug. "One minute, I was arguing with my Fairy Godbabbit. I turn around, fall into a bathtub, fly down a flight of stairs, crash through a door and I wind up here!"
Utena glanced over at Anthy. "Just how is it that he's upside-down, yet completely unaffected by gravity?"
Apparently gravity overheard.
And being the malevolent force it is in Anime, it grabbed Desolation by his underwear and gave him an evil, inverted wedgie that sent him plunging off the castle and down to the arena.
"Quick!" his Fairy Godbabbit exclaimed, frantically flapping to keep up with Desolation's terminal velocity-reaching descent. It tossed Desolation yet another parachute. "Pull the ripcord!"
Desolation gave the Godbabbit a deadpan glare. "The last one had Shabranigdo *and* the Cha Cha Maru in it."
The Fairy Godbabbit shrugged. "So I was on a coffee break last time. This one is different."
"You've been on a coffee break since the start of the series!"
"But I'm sure this time you won't get smited," the Fairy Godbabbit insisted, giving Desolation a sincere Babbity smile.
Against his better instincts, Desolation slipped the parachute over his shoulders and yanked on the ripcord. Unfortunately, by the time they finished conversing, Desolation had already reached the arena.
He crashed into the floor with a resounding "crunch!"
Seconds later a parachute was effortlessly deployed out from the fanboy-shaped hole in the ground.
The Fairy Godbabbit flapped over to the edge of the smoking crater, peering inside. "Daijobu?" it ventured, hauling out a pan-dimensional medical kit.
A wobbily V-sign was given.
"On the bright side," the Fairy Godbabbit offered. "Utena broke most of your fall--though I think you broke most of Utena in return."
Desolation: o.O; "Uh-oh."
"End of the World never said anything about this," Saionji muttered, sulking as he watched Desolation try to fan the unconscious Utena.
Desolation looked over at his guardian Babbit, who was trying to take Utena's pulse. "Ano...you're trying to take her pulse with a rectal thermometer. I don't think that will work."
"I'm a Fairy Godbabbit, not a doctor!" it protested. "Besides, that fall didn't seem to have injured you."
"It still hurts," Desolation retorted. "Blind luck this time, that I didn't burn up on my descent."
Saionji marched up to Desolation, poking the lost fanboy with his katana sword. "And just what sort of transfer student are you supposed to be? Ohtori Academy's very picky about the ones who are destined to revolutionize the world."
"But I'm not a revolutionary girl!" Desolation protested. "I'm a fanboy. And besides, the only revolution I was ever a part of was in Rose of Versailles, where I got mistaken for Marie Antoinette and was beheaded. That really hurt too."
"A lot," the Fairy Godbabbit added, nodding emphatically.
Desolation: --;; "I didn't see you getting decapitated."
Fairy Godbabbit: "Hey, your pain is my pain."
Desolation: "And just how do you figure that?"
Fairy Godbabbit: "I have to cover your medical insurance."
Desolation: [irate li'l fanboy] "Then why do you keep letting me get smited?!"
Fairy Godbabbit: "Hey, have you ever tasted the cappuccinos in the Komawari Godbabbit lounge? You forget about everything else."
Desolation: [indignant] "Oh, great sense of principles you have there."
Fairy Godbabbit: [pulling out a Sana-hammer] "You want a piece of me, fanboy?"
Desolation: o.O [pulling out his parasol] "My own guardian Babbit's out to get me now?! Oh, this means war."
By now, Saionji had grown rather pissed off at being left with an unfinished duel. "Okay, that's it!" he snapped, stomping up to the Fairy Godbabbit. "I demand a rematch! Anthy is mine, and no...whatever the hell you are--"
"I'm a Babbit," the Fairy Godbabbit said, not too impressed. "Weren't you listening to me earlier?"
"--is going to stop me! The duel must go on!"
Desolation pointed to the revolutionary girl in Anthy's arms. "But Utena's out cold. Who else is left here to fight?"
Saionji pointed to Desolation. "You."
Fairy Godbabbit: [raising a wing] "Who else here saw that one coming?"
Desolation: --;; "You stay out of this."
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "Just make sure you have clean underwear for the duel."
Anthy removed the rose from Utena's blazer, and then placed the flower on Desolation's shirt. The Fairy Godbabbit also took the time to help psyche Desolation up by giving him a shoulder massage. One shoulder at a time, mind you, since a Babbit isn't exactly a large creature.
Desolation picked up the Sword of Dios, giving a test swing. He then began to brandish the weapon with incredible agility, revealing a skill that had a sweatdropping Saionji suddenly wonder if challenging this guy had been a good idea.
"Where'd you learn to fence like that?" the Fairy Godbabbit asked.
Desolation shrugged. "All that time in Cephiro had to pay off for something. Umi needed to vent after being unable to cream Mokona, and I made a great voodoo doll."
"Enough!" Saionji snapped.
He raked down his katana, and Desolation barely managed to get the Sword of Dios in to block the attack. The duel was fierce, neither side gaining a strong advantage over the other. And through it all, a chorus of voices were singing energetic and seemingly nonsensical lyrics.
"Ne," the Fairy Godbabbit remarked, perched on Desolation's shoulder and munching on a bag of popcorn. "This 'obligatory duel music' is getting really annoying. I mean: Ammonite?! Want me to change the CD for you?"
"Why not," Desolation replied, sidestepping yet another of Saionji's thrusts. "Just don't put on the opening or closing songs from Berserk, okay?"
Spinning Dick Saucer's latest hit single, Barn-Up OK, the Fairy Godbabbit fluttered off to find the CD player.
Saionji seemed to take issue with that. "No one leaves the duel until I've kicked this guy's butt!" he shouted, slashing at a now very panicky Babbit.
Fairy Godbabbit: o.O "Didn't your mother tell you not to play with sharp things?!"
Desolation grabbed his Godbabbit, swiftly yanking the winged bat/rabbit-thingy out of harm's way. "I can't believe I'm the one who has to save my guardian Babbit," he said dryly.
"Hey! SPCAM doesn't appreciate this!" the Godbabbit exclaimed, sticking its tongue out at Saionji. "You'll be hearing from my superiors."
And with that, Saionji made the glib retort by taking another swipe at them. "SHIN'NE!!!" he screamed, lunging forward.
His sword made a savage thrust, intent on ripping the white rose clear off Desolation's chest. However, with the Wu aura acting up, he instead impaled Desolation in the chest.
Saionji: o.O "......"
Desolation: [unimpressed] "You missed the rose."
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "Kids, don't try this at home."
Yet that didn't deter Utena's resident dipstick from continuing the fight. Saionji threw all he had into the dedicated effort of slashing the rose off Desolation's body. Desolation didn't even bother doing anything, watching in mild interest as Saionji kept repeatedly missing the rose--but piercing yet another vital organ.
Fairy Godbabbit: [with popcorn] "Well, at least he's being consistent."
Desolation: "Hey, quit hogging all the popcorn!"
Finally, Saionji couldn't keep the attack up any more; he collapsed from exhaustion, his sword still lodged in one of Desolation's kidneys. Somewhere off in the distance, a series of bells rang out to proclaim Desolation as the winner.
"Well," the Fairy Godbabbit said, tossing the empty popcorn bag. "That was eventful. And all your fics are like this?"
Desolation shrugged. "Whatever parts of any fic I'm able to show up for, at least."
And Desolation proceeded to do a happy li'l SD dance.
Fairy Godbabbit: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...you still have the katana stuck in your ribcage."
Unfortunately, Desolation wasn't really paying attention to where he was tap-dancing, and promptly got jiggy with it right off the edge of the platform. But lucky for him and lucky for his underwear, he managed to defy gravity and grappled onto the side of the arena.
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "Isn't Anime physics a wonderful thing?"
Fairy Godbabbit: o.O "Hey, what are you doing running around without a leash! Get back here!"
And so the Fairy Godbabbit was a little too preoccupied to help Desolation as it chased an unleashed ChuChu across the arena. When that failed, the Fairy Godbabbit opted for Plan B: it took out a croquet mallet, and promptly whapped ChuChu right off the arena.
ChuChu: o.O "CHUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuu...."
Desolation: [with binoculars] "Wow. You must have walloped him right across the remaining fifty episodes, and into the Utena movie."
Fairy Godbabbit: ^^ "It's all in the wrists."
And so Desolation resumed his happy li'l SD dance.
Right until the upside-down castle became unhinged, and fell on top of him.
Desolation: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Fairy Godbabbit: o.O "Ack! Stunt double! Stunt double!"
* * *
Time passed. Dust settled.
The author took the opportunity to not only lovingly stroke his ego with a hairbrush, but get it permed too.
And then a little while later, a somewhat two-dimensional Desolation crawled out from the remains of the crashed upside-down castle. His eyebrow involuntarily twitched as he spotted his Fairy Godbabbit waiting for him, reclining on a lounge chair.
"I thought you got crushed along with me," he said. "I've been digging down there for hours looking for you."
The Fairy Godbabbit set aside its Togenkyo Island Iced Tea and lowered its sunglasses. "Oh, did I forget to mention it? As your guardian Babbit, I'm not subject to your smitings."
Desolation: [putting the Babbit in a chokehold] "WHAT?"
"It's bad luck to kill your Fairy Godbabbit!" it gasped.
"And just what kind of good luck have I had up until now, anyways?" Desolation retorted. But he relented and let the Babbit go after he got clobbered by a runaway T-74 tank, followed by an irate Elfgirl...and her equally irate harem of pretty-boys.
Sarcasm: [brandishing her Zanba Spatula] "I like getting nekkid as much as the next Dark Elf, but not for someone like you, Junpei! Get him, boys!"
47 Shonen: "Hai, Yousei-sama!"
Junpei: [cue the one-fingered salute!] "Like I'd want someone like you to get nekkid for me! You're worse than Selcia!"
Airi: [seated on the tank] "Ne, Ritsuko, could you go a little faster? The bishounen are gaining on us."
The diversion passing them by, Desolation was left to try and wash the stampede of footprints off his backside.
"So just where are we now?" the Fairy Godbabbit inquired, looking around. "We're not on the Utena dueling platform anymore."
"That's my line," Desolation cut in. And so to figure out where they had gotten to this time around, he consulted his trusty map:
==> YOU ARE NOT HERE.
Desolation sweatdropped, and he quickly pulled out a second map, and then a third, and then numerous other ones:
<=== OR HERE.
NOT HERE EITHER.
V <=== SORRY, TRY AGAIN.
==> FACE IT. YOU'RE DOOMED.
Desolation: --;; "I am a cartographer's nightmare."
Fairy Godbabbit: "The sarcasm put into each individual map is quite scathing, ne?"
With a beleaguered sigh, Desolation stuffed the maps back into his pan-dimensional backpack. And then a revelation struck him. And it hurt quite a lot too.
"Wait a minute! We're in the Tokyo National Art Gallery," Desolation said, pointing to the various paintings on the walls. "There's the Mona Lita, and the famous Dog Demons Playing Poker too."
The Fairy Godbabbit gave Desolation an incredulous look after examining a portrait of countless Inu Yasha's in a poker game. "Just who came up with those ridiculously lame puns?"
Desolation shrugged. "Blame the author. I always do."
[Cue the Gentle Uterus which smites Desolation!]
Desolation: --;; "Curse him!"
Now a day of regularly scheduled smiting certainly takes a lot out of a person. Usually on a literal basis, in Desolation's case. And right then he needed to quench his thirst. He pulled out a can of carbonated juice from his pockets and decided to chug it down.
Desolation took a cool, refreshing drink of Pochi Sweat. Abruptly numerous tiny fountains of the Pochi Sweat began to spout out from his chest.
"Um...Desolation?" the Fairy Godbabbit said, sweatdropping. "You're leaking. And who knew a soft drink could have a spray radius of six feet!"
Seconds later, Rei Ayanami, now sporting a wet T-shirt, stomped up to Desolation. "Look what you did to my shirt, you dork!" she snapped, shaking a hapless Desolation by his collar. "There I was, having a quiet introspective moment as I studied the Sailor Venus de Milo--and then you had to make me look like Misato in a bad hentai doujinshi!"
Fairy Godbabbit: [aside to Desolation] "And I thought Asuka was the bitchy one who ranted a lot."
Desolation: [sweatdrop!] "Must be that time of the series for her."
The next few moments became comprised of Desolation being neatly compacted by EVA 00, folded up and then given a drop kick into the nearest garbage bin. Rei then turned to vent her anger (regardless of how the building's emotional HVAC system was working at the time) on the Fairy Godbabbit.
"Ano...you wouldn't hurt a cute little Babbit-chan, would you?" it asked, flashing her a sincere smile.
Rei had EVA 00 promptly stuff the Fairy Godbabbit into a recycling bin.
Fairy Godbabbit: "You'll be hearing from my Disenchanted Lawyers for this!"
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