Desolation sighed as he limped back to the main gallery. "I'll never understand...whichever one of her that is. Come to think of it, I never could understand any of her."
         The Fairy Godbabbit awkwardly fluttered through the air to rejoin with Desolation. "Jahun," it warbled in a dazed voice, before flopping out on Desolation's shoulder. "Jahun Jahun Jahun Jahun...."

Sana-chan: "Hey, that line belongs to Hayama the lone pig!"

Piggy-Hayama: "Buu."

         Thankful that he didn't have to perform CPR on his guardian Babbit, Desolation took the brief window between scheduled smitings (his planner didn't have him slotted for disembowelment for at least another six minutes) to enjoy the museum's artwork.
         Everything seemed to be going his way.
         Right until he came across a strangely familiar landscape painting of a forest next to a crystal-clear lake. "Wait a minute!" Desolation said, slamming a fist into his palm. "That's the Throne of Yord from Shamanic Princess."
         The Fairy Godbabbit gave pause at that, slowly turning its head to the lost fanboy. "The pillar of the magic realm, source of all its power? Then what's it doing in an art gallery?"
         Desolation shrugged. "Chaos lost it in a poker game?" he ventured. "Or was that me?"
         Abruptly the painting erupted in a flash of light, black tendrils of magic shooting out from within the picture. Seconds later they wrapped themselves around Desolation and the Fairy Godbabbit.

Fairy Godbabbit: o.O [panicky li'l Babbit!] "I'm not an art critic! Take him! Take him!"

Desolation: [grrrr!] "And what part of 'guardian' do you just not understand?!"

Fairy Godbabbit: "You try one of the Komawari cappuccinos, and you'll see what I mean."

Desolation: "Do they have chocolate shavings on the foam?"

         But before this could scene could go all shojo and sappy (and there was much shonen rejoicing), the two got sucked into the Throne of Yord.
         Crash-landing into the painting proved a bit more painful than first expected. But lucky for them, the Fairy Godbabbit ensured they all had clean underwear for the aftermath.
         "Well, that was rather rude," it remarked, dusting itself off after having used Desolation as a handy crashmat. The Babbit looked around the area. "So where are we?"
         "Inside the painting," Desolation replied groggily, having used the ground as a not-so-handy crashmat. "Cheerful, ne?"
         And that dark and ugly forest was quite cheerful indeed! The trees were black, branches twisting everywhere to resemble tapering fingers. The sky was grey, filled with murky clouds that remained unnaturally still. Desolation and his Fairy Godbabbit stood in a clearing, surrounded by such wonderfully picturesque surroundings.
         And then another Desolation appeared, a nonchalant expression on his face as he stood behind one of the dead trees. He walked forward...and then right through the tree. "Kon'nichi wa, Desolation," this second Desolation said.
         "Who are you?" the Fairy Godbabbit exclaimed, stunned upon seeing one fanboy occupy two places at once.
         "It's me, of course," the other Desolation replied.
         The Fairy Godbabbit looked back to Desolation. "But if you're you, isn't he you too? Or are you him and he's you and I'm starting to rant like Sana-chan, aren't I?"
         Both Desolations nodded. "Hai."
         "Let me handle this," the first and original Desolation said. "I've seen Shamanic Princess before." He turned to the second Desolation. "What about Sara? Can we talk to her, have some tea, let her give us a tour of the painting?"
         "Sara? Who's that?" the second Desolation replied. "I've never heard of her before."
         "I think the Throne of Yord's mocking us," Desolation said aside to the Godbabbit.
         "So what are we going to do?" the Fairy Godbabbit inquired.
         The other Desolation gave an evil smile, and laughed. "Oh, you'll know soon enough." He stepped back and raised his hands. Bolts of black energy crackled around him as he brought to life a demonic-looking parasol. "Shall we play a little?"
         "Do we have a choice?" Desolation retorted, taking a defensive stance. However he completely forgot where he was going to take it, and was subsequently forced to settle for fries and a Coke.
         "Actually," the Fairy Godbabbit spoke up. "We could flee in terror."
         Desolation sweatdropped. "That was a rhetorical question. Baaaaka!"
         With that, he pulled out his parasol to meet Evil Desolation's challenge. Well...he meant to pull out his parasol. But he mistook Faye Valentine for his parasol and was promptly shot for grabbing hold of her "handles". So he tried again, but mistook the entire cast of Darkstalkers for his parasol. But lucky for him, and indeed lucky for us all, since the author had no burning desire to feature said fighting game characters, he quickly remedied the problem by dropping B-ko's Queen Margarita mecha on them.
         And then for good measures, our author dropped Lagendra on top of the utterly useless cast of Battle Arena Toshinden.
         And just because he felt like being capricious, he lobbed Apulo the sentient alien-kitty on top of Desolation.

Apulo: [munching on Pia Poppos] "Ne, what does a cat have to do to get something to eat around here?"

Fairy Godbabbit: [warily looking around] "Should I be expecting anything else to fall from the sky?"

         [Cue the Arcadia dropping from above for no apparent reason, save for the rampant, random smiting of Desolation!]

Apulo: "Gee, that looked like it hurt."

Fairy Godbabbit: "Maybe since I'm his guardian Babbit, I should stop encouraging the author like that."

Desolation: [somewhere inside the ship] "Kyaaaaa!!! Put down the Cosmo Dragoon, Harlock! Use the safety catch! The safety catch!"

         Then just when it looked like the fic would become a pointless array of mindless ranting and ridiculous puns & sight gags, His lordship Chaos was called away from the computer for his latest therapeutic massage session.

His lordship Chaos: ^-^ [V-sign!] "Rubdowns by cute girls are always good for the ego. I highly recommend them--but get your own girls. My assistants are spoken for."

Kawaii female writing assistants: ^^ "Hai!"

         That left Desolation able to salvage his schedule and pull out the parasol he had been looking for. "Ready whenever you are," he stated to his evil mirror version.
         Evil Desolation chuckled to himself. "I think we're going to do just fine together."
         Abruptly, fighting music boomed across the scene as two lifebars appeared high over the Desolations' heads. The caption "Desolation vs. evil Desolation!" flashed in the foreground.

Fairy Godbabbit: [flying in between the Desolations] "Wait! Wait! No fighting! This is supposed to be a shojo fanfic!"

Evil Desolation: >) "With a male author writing this? Not bloody likely."

Fairy Godbabbit: --;; "I'm surrounded by testosterone."

         Evil Desolation chuckled and then took off into the forest. Desolation naturally gave chase...but somehow managed to locate a roving pack of rabid timber wolves inside the painting.
         "Chase me, or you'll never find the exit to this painting," Evil Desolation called out with a grin, oblivious to the pieces of Desolation being messily launched across the forest. "It's fun playing games!"
         He suddenly came to a screeching stop, looking around the ominous forest. "Ano...I'm lost. And in my own painting too!"

Fairy Godbabbit: [turning to Desolation] "He really should have mimicked an opponent with a better sense of direction."

Desolation: [all bandaged up...and foaming at the mouth!] "I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted by that."

Fairy Godbabbit: [looking up] "How about flattened? Incidentally, you might want to move."

Desolation: "Na ni?"

         [Cue the Saito High plunging from the sky & crushing Desolation!]

         Desolation pulled himself out from beneath the school--only to get hauled into Toilet Hanako's stall moments later. Shortly afterwards he emerged covered in lipstick kisses, his clothes in disarray.
         "Ow," he remarked in a distant voice.
         "What was so painful about a horny, half-naked ghost?" the Fairy Godbabbit retorted, whapping him on the head with its enchanted Sana-hammer of love.
         Desolation managed to turn his head to the Babbit. "She introduced me to her tag-team wrestling friends, Jackie and Makie Hanako. They showed me their rather painful special moves...and I think my back's still dislocated too."
         "If that's the case," the Fairy Godbabbit said, turning to Evil Desolation. "We'll have to postpone the fight until later."
         Evil Desolation sneered, and lobbed his black magic parasol at Desolation. "He's a Wu!" Evil Desolation exclaimed. "He can take the pain so long as you duct-tape him back together."
         Desolation's body felt a slight stinging as the demonic parasol opened up and tried to chew off his arm. Naturally, he refused to let the carnivorous umbrella get the better of him. Summoning his Pomegranates of Vengeance, Desolation unleashed a volley of the explosive fruit at his malevolent copycat.
         Evil Desolation dodged the numerous detonations and then charged at Desolation. Desolation charged towards Evil Desolation, the two colliding and viciously fighting each other in a blood-spurting match that would have made even Vegita run for the toilet (and subsequently get stuck in a spinal-rearranging Scorpion Press by Jackie Hanako).
         About ten minutes of intense combat later, the two Desolations declared a draw upon realizing just how ridiculously pointless a battle between Wu's was. Especially since by now pieces of them were all over the forest, and their lifebars were still at full health. Then came the cheerful task of putting themselves back together.
         "Hey, I found my spleen!" evil Desolation exclaimed happily. "Oh wait...this one's yours."
         Desolation picked a body part out of a nearby tree. "Good news: I found an eyeball. Don't think it's mine though."
         "Got a colon here...or is it a lung?"
         "Shimatta! Who would have thought a bloodied heart could be so slippery? Get back here, you!"

Fairy Godbabbit: >.< "This is disgusting. And their author lets children read this?!"

         Just then Tiara appeared--and in her ass-kicking demoness mode, no less! Much rejoicing was made! Clad in her black, skintight leotard (actually, it's about a 1/3rd leotard with the amount of fanservice she gives in it ^^), her skin decorated with strange shamanic runes, demoness Tiara sauntered into the forest clearing.
         Her eerie yellow eyes narrowed upon seeing the two Desolations try and sew themselves back together. Demoness Tiara pivoted to the side, pointing to the severed hand glomped onto her butt. "And just whose is this?" she inquired coldly.
         Desolation and Evil Desolation immediately looked down to their handless arms, and then pointed to each other with their stumpy appendages.

Desolations: "His!"

         Demoness Tiara brushed a hand through her long red hair, equally red wings unfolding from behind her head. Tiara smiled, revealing her fangs. "Looks like I get some action tonight after all."

Desolations: o.O [holding each other] "JO'O-SAMA!!!"

         [Cue the Fairy Godbabbit, clad in a referee's uniform!]

Fairy Godbabbit: [blowing a whistle] "This fic's moral: violence doesn't solve anything. Now had this been a shojo fanfic in the first place, this scene wouldn't have been a problem."

Desolations: [all over the place] "SHADDUP!!"

Demoness Tiara: "Now who said I was through with either of you? Get back here!"

Desolations: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"


                  DESOLATIONS vs. DEMONESS TIARA

                           DEMONESS TIARA WINS!

*         *         *


         The Overfiend had arisen, and was destroying Tokyo.
         Demon, Beast and Human realms had merged together.
         No one seemed to be particularly enjoying it--even the demons, who had moments before been terrorizing and devouring any hapless person in their path. Everyone was being slaughtered by the explosive and rampant power of the Overfiend.
         The monster's hellish task was to merge the three realms together. And then annihilate them all to make way for a new, single realm. Its immense form towered over the surrounding buildings, a black winged silhouette amidst the fiery inferno surrounding it. And no matter who or what they were, everyone and everything else was fleeing for their lives.
         They didn't get very far.
         The Overfiend's eyes flashed in a crimson glow.
         Its mouth opened, unleashing a blast of electric violet light that pulverized whatever it touched. Humans and demons caught in the blast were not vaporized instantly; they were reduced to bubbling masses of flesh and gore first. The Beasts knew enough to keep to the skies, watching grimly as the Overfiend paved a tsunami of destruction across
Tokyo.
         And then the Overfiend abruptly paused to turn and wave at a certain uberperv happily bounding across the devastated city.

Overfiend: ^-^ "Hey, Hentenno-sama!"

Havoc: ^-^ [boing boing boing!] "Hey, Ecchi-san!"

         Havoc landed on one of the massive stone columns (courtesy of the Beast realm) jutting up to the skies, surveying the remains of Tokyo. "Remind me to call you if Planet Hentai ever needs to be remodeled."
         "Hey, Havoc!" exclaimed Jyako Amano, abruptly landing beside the uberperv. "How the hell ya doin'?"
         Jyako's sister, Megumi, gracefully settled onto the outcropping of rock. She gave Havoc a playful wink before sitting down on his other side. "What brings you here?" she asked.
         Havoc gave the two his best Chichiri grin. "I thought you should know that the Benkyo Brigade's going to mobilize this afternoon. Today we're touring the Nerima district!"
         A determined fireball (or was it a determined Cream Lemon tidal wave?) lit up his eyes.

Havoc: "Today, Ukyo's panties. Tomorrow: the world!"

Jyako & Megumi: [we're with you, Hentenno!] "Hai!"

         "And to celebrate this little venture," Havoc added, pulling out a manuscript. "I've brought with me my latest Havocfic: La Perfect Blue Girl!"
         "Ooooh, give to Daddy!" Jyako exclaimed happily.
         The Overfiend nonchalantly scanned the city, leaning against the stone pillar with his arm. "By the way, have any of you seen this guy with a 'Wu' mark on his forehead? I've been trying to gun him down for the past ten minutes, but he's disappeared on me."
         Havoc blinked. "Desolation? Oh, he's over there in the Asakusa Ward."

Desolation: "DAMN YOU, HAVOC!!!"

Fairy Godbabbit: o.O "I'm not getting paid enough for this!"

         Jyako grinned as the three watched the Overfiend tromp over to the Asakusa ward and try to annihilate the hapless Desolation. "Damn, look at the little fanboy go!"
         "Care for a Dragon Pink Lady?" Havoc inquired, offering a drink to Megumi Amano. "Some Gin, cream lemon and grenadine all shaken with ice, and then strained through a nubile young lady's panties."
         Meanwhile, the Overfiend had managed to catch up with the terrified li'l SD Deso-chan. Gripping Desolation in his fist, the Overfiend prepared to use him as a 'Wu' missile against the opposing God of the Sea.
         "Hey, before you crush him, could you set him down somewhere in the Ginza?" the Fairy Godbabbit asked the Overfiend. "There's something that has to mow him down first."
         Seeing as how the God of the Sea wasn't due to make his ill-fated attack for another few minutes, the Overfiend cheerfully agreed and set Desolation down on a somewhat-maimed roadway.
         Desolation dusted himself off. "Arigato! So what's this in-betweener?"
         But there wasn't any time to respond. Getting mowed down by Speed Racer's Mach 5 kinda interrupted the Fairy Godbabbit's response.
         Suddenly who should rear his serpentine head out from the Tokyo Bay, but the God of the Sea! Quickly scraping Desolation off the asphalt, the Overfiend proceeded to lob the immortal otaku at said opponent.
         Now, when a fanboy attains a speed of Mach 8 within a few seconds, he tends to burn up a little. But as luck would have it, Desolation moved so fast that he shot right through the God of the Sea's intestinal track, punched through his back, and crash-landed into the ocean.
         Hey, did we say it was good luck Desolation had?

Desolation: [charred li'l fanboy in an inner tube] "Well, at least I'm not on fire anymore."

Fairy Godbabbit: "That's the spirit! But what's with that ridiculously huge dorsal fin heading our way?"

Desolation: [groan!] "Not Gaghiel *again*!"

         Its job of world destruction pretty much completed, the Overfiend sauntered back to continue its coffee break with Havoc. "Ne, I want to thank you for introducing me to that Akemi chick," the Overfiend said. "If there's anything I can do for you, any favour at all, just let me know."
         Havoc glanced around the city, and an evil smile appeared on his face. He pointed at one specific character who was wandering the ravaged streets.

Havoc: "You see that purple ninja guy? I don't want to."

Overfiend: ^^ "Ooooh...foreshadowing!"

         [Cue the Overfiend viciously stomping on NinNin!]

NinNin: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

         *SPLAT!*

         Megumi winced at the display. "That looked like it hurt."
         Havoc sighed and shook his head. "He'll be back. Not that I'm particularly thrilled about it."

Page 4
Back to Fanfics