Up in the observation booth, Makoto shook his head. "This isn't working," he sighed. "I think SEELE sent us a dud."
"Maybe he could help us out in other ways," Misato suggested, trying to remain optimistic.
[Cue Desolation somewhere within Terminal Dogma, caught in EVA 01's fist!]
Desolation: --;; [dressed up as Kaoru] "For this, I got stuck in a plugsuit that's riding up my rear?"
Fairy Godbabbit: [consulting a day-planner] "Well, it is slotted for your ten o'clock."
Desolation: [shrug] "Can't argue with that."
And so, EVA had a Deso and his head popped off.
But the Fairy Godbabbit had anticipated this, and was waiting by the blood-red water with a fishing net. A few hours and many bandage wrappings later found Desolation sporting a newly reattached head.
"Ah, this feels great!" he said cheerfully, stretching his neck out. "I'm not as stiff this time as I usually am when I get decapitated; the LCL must have a fabric softener added to it. By the way, thanks for retrieving my head."
The Fairy Godbabbit nodded as it flew alongside him. "Hai hai. But who knew about those piranha NERV had in the water?"
Desolation lifted his shirt and checked out the new "swiss cheese otaku" look he was sporting. "I'll grow out of them in another few minutes. My Wu aura just has to finish its regeneration phase."
"You know," the Babbit remarked. "Sharing your adventures has to be one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had."
"Join the club," Desolation replied. "I'm just impressed I've stayed in Evangelion for as long as I have. Usually Third Impact occurs if I'm around here for more than ten minutes."
The Fairy Godbabbit sweatdropped at that. "You've been in Third Impact more than once?"
"Hai," Desolation said with a nod. "I think I'm up to the Three hundred and sixty-sixth Impact right now. They didn't hurt as much after number two hundred; now having my soul sucked into Mega-Rei while my body explodes into LCL fluid just kinda tickles."
The Fairy Godbabbit smiled and nodded as if it understood.
Suddenly who should appear but--!
Desolation: o.O;; "Anthy?!"
Anthy walked towards him, dressed in her own custom-made plugsuit. What made the scene even more wrong was that ChuChu was there, dressed up in a PenPen costume. Said monkey-thingy was promptly squashed by the Babbit's Sana-hammer.
And there was much rejoicing.
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ [with party hat] "I'm too sexy for this EVA, too sexy for this EVA!"
Desolation: [eyebrow twitch!] "I'm not going to ask where that came from. But at least it's not Shinji who's singing it."
Desolation turned to Anthy. "Ano...what are you doing here?"
"I am the Rose Bride," Anthy replied, demurely bowing to him. "And I become engaged to whomever is the current winner of the duel."
"But I was just a substitute for Utena!" Desolation protested, horrific visions of tainted curry filling his mind. He turned to his Fairy Godbabbit. "A little help here?"
Skimming through the book 'Revolutionary Girls for Dummies', the Babbit could only shrug. "There's nothing in here. You're on your own, buddy."
And so Desolation did the only thing he could do in any given situation like this.
Desolation: "Run away! Run away!"
Fairy Godbabbit: "Where to?"
Desolation: "How the hell should I know? I never get there anyways."
And so Desolation ran away from Anthy, racing up and down escalators, in and out of corridors, taking an unexpected dip in liquid Bakelite (only to discover later that Bakelite hardens very quickly. Fortunately, an artistic Babbit was able to chisel him out), and a quick trip on the elevator found Desolation and the Babbit alone at last.
Not to mention utterly lost.
There was only one set of doors in front of him, which he immediately ran through. Desolation quickly slammed the doors shut behind him. "I think we lost her," he said, panting for air. "But just where the hell am I now?"
He turned around and recoiled upon seeing he was in Gendo's personal office. The ceiling had the Jewish Tree of Life on it, which sparkled very prettily. Kinda like a Gainax-produced Lite Brite. Somewhere far on the other side of the office sat Gendo behind his desk.
"SEELE has lost sight of what we set out to do so many years ago," Gendo was saying to Commander Fyutsuki. "Human Instrumentality will go as we want it to, with our own players fulfilling the next step of human
[Cue the Fairy Godbabbit suddenly appearing at a podium!]
Fairy Godbabbit: "Ohayo, minna-san! And welcome to the Mystery Harbinger Dating Game! And here's your host: Desolation!"
Desolation: ^-^ "Greetings! Our guest for tonight is that complicated man whom no one understands except his woman...and her daughter...and his own daughter...well, one of the clones of his wife...I think. Anyhoo, give it up for NERV's own cold-hearted bastard, Gendo Ikari!"
Gendo: [sly grin] "I knew this was bound to happen. It was predicted in the Dead Sea Scrolls."
Desolation: o.O;; "It was?"
Gendo: [nodding] "Hai. Along with a bathtub falling from the sky and smiting you."
[Cue the bathtub falling from the sky & crushing Desolation!]
Desolation: --;; "Wipe that smirk off your face, Gendo."
Skuld: [poking her head out from the bubblebath] "Sugoi. I've traveled through warm water before, but never like this."
Desolation: ^^;; "I'm thrilled! Really I am, but could you please get off me now?"
Skuld: o.O "Waaaah! A Yggdrasil bug!"
Desolation: [blink blink!] "Na ni?"
[Skuld pulls out her mallet and proceeds to try and hammer Desolation into the stage!]
Desolation: o.O [panicky li'l Wu] "Kyaaaa!! Bad goddess! Bad goddess! Damn my 'Wu' aura!!!"
Fairy Godbabbit: "Ano...Desolation seems a little preoccupied right now, so I'll be your host! Now Gendo can choose any one of these three mystery contestants to help him change the world, and in any way he wants-for good or evil purposes! Let's meet them."
[The lights come on, revealing Anthy, Mokona & Fuma all sitting in separate chairs. Anthy is naturally seated in a prim & proper way, Mokona's just bouncing around in his chair, and Fuma (all decked out in casual wear and sunglasses) is leisurely reclining in his chair.]
Fairy Godbabbit: "Harbinger #1 hails from Ohtori Academy, where she tends to the high school rose garden, gets good grades, and has many students duel over her to decide who will revolutionize the world."
Anthy: [bowing slightly] "Kon'nichi wa, Babbit-san."
Fairy Godbabbit: ^^ "Isn't she submissively sweet? Now then, Harbinger #2--"
Mokona: ^-^ "PUUUUUU!!"
Fairy Godbabbit: --;; "Needs a good whack from my croquet mallet, for starters."
Desolation: [staggering in] "I think I already got that mallet whacking."
Fairy Godbabbit: "Ano...daijobu?"
Desolation: "I'm probably just bleeding internally, nothing unusual. So then, Harbinger #2--"
Mokona: ^-^ "PUUUUUUU!!"
Desolation: "--will no longer be competing today, because the little demonic marshmallow's about to get whacked by a croquet mallet."
Fairy Godbabbit: [with croquet mallet!] "Let's see if you really are made of marshmallow!"
Mokona: [panicky li'l Cephiro god] "PUUUUUU!!!"
Desolation: "And that brings us to Harbinger #3. His hobbies include looking after the Togakushi shrine, sword-fighting, and wantonly killing off any living thing around him!"
[Fuma lowers his shades and glares at Desolation. Seconds later, Desolation's arm is ripped off by a psycho-kinetic blast!]
Desolation: "Hey! That was uncalled for!"
Fuma: [getting up] "I'm tired of this. Let's trash the place."
Fairy Godbabbit: [still chasing after Mokona] "Whether or not you won an Oscar for your performance in Sabre Mokonette J is irrelevant to how annoying you are now!"
Mokona: o.O "PUUUUUUU!"
Gendo: [oblivious to the impending Armageddon] "So when do I get to ask the harbingers my questions?"
Desolation: [sweatdrop!] "Um...better ask now before the set gets wasted."
Gendo: "Harbinger #3: if Tokyo-3 were a peanut butter sandwich, what would that make you?"
Fuma: "Na ni? What kind of stupid-assed question is that? Okay, I'm definitely going to shred that guy."
Desolation: o.O [ack!] "Next question!"
Gendo: "Harbinger #2: what's your view on Fourth Wall politics within fanfiction?"
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "Got him!"
Gendo: [blink blink!] "Strange response. Okay, how about Harbinger #1: if Shinji were to turn his semi-Oedipus complex towards you, how would that affect our sexual relationship?"
[Anthy opens her mouth to respond, only to suddenly be yanked off her chair and replaced by Lilith!]
Desolation: o.O "Aiya."
Fuma: [diabolical grin] "Ooooh, I could get to like this."
[Fuma goes into Lilith!]
Fairy Godbabbit: [flapping over to Desolation] "Well, Mokona seems to have re-inflated himself and made an escape. What did I miss?"
Desolation: "All hell about to break loose?"
Fairy Godbabbit: "With you, that seems to be the trend."
Gendo: [peering around the barrier] "Moshi moshi? Is anyone--(o.O) KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Mega-Fuma: >) "Now then, let's play harbinger."
[Cue the effects-laiden, budget-blowing, brain-busting Angelic Impact of Mass Destruction!]
Fairy Godbabbit: [amidst the blast] "Do all your scenes end like this?"
Desolation: "Most of them. Let's see, this makes it Impact number three hundred and sixty-seven."
* * *
There was something rotten in the Nerima district of Tokyo. This probably could have been attributed to Happosai getting the Chinese "woman repellent" herbs sewn into his outfit courtesy of Akane. Or else "Stinkbomb" Norou and his literally killer B.O. was trying to get back home to Tokyo...despite the subtle hints and legions of heavy artillery fire from the Tokyo Self Defense Force, telling him to stay put.
But regardless of the scent of a nekojin (ah, catnip! ^^), a scorched and bedraggled Desolation decided to make an unexpected visit--or freefall, whichever seems more appropriate--to the Nerima district. Opting for forgo all parachutes given his past successes (and lack thereof) with them, Desolation instead decided to put his handy, bird-
shaped glider to work.
And work beautifully it did...for about 5 seconds.
Then it beautifully went to pieces.
Desolation: o.O [going dooooown!] "Curse you, Go! Curse yoooooouuuuu!!"
Fairy Godbabbit: [looking down at the falling fanboy] "You ever consider applying for air miles?"
Desolation's swift descent was then abruptly and somewhat painfully disturbed by something we technical folks like to call: the ground. Dusting himself off from yet another three-point faceplant done perfectly, Desolation was ready to meet the next crushing plot twist dealt to him.
But first came the obligatory coffee break.
Fairy Godbabbit: [looking around] "So just where are we this time?"
Desolation: [pointing to a high school behind them] "Furinkan High. Ranma's domain...and Jusenkyo territory."
Fairy Godbabbit: [hmph!] "There had better not be any Cursed Spring of Drowned Babbit. I'm a registered trademark of Kodocha."
Desolation: [sipping a cappuccino] "Hey, you're right! These Komawari cappuccinos are spectacular!"
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "You do realize you're paying for that."
Desolation: --;; "I hate snarky guardian mascots."
"Hold!" stated a voice. And then up from a crater in the ground arose a rather agitated martial artist. "For making a mockery of me, Tatewaki Kuno, you shall pay dearly."
At first, Desolation wasn't quite certain what he had done to spark Kuno's ire. And then he recalled how his crash-landing didn't have as much crash as it usually did.
"If it's any consolation," Desolation offered cheerfully. "You broke my landing wonderfully."
"You have incurred the mighty wrath of the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!" Kuno proclaimed, leveling his wooden sword with Desolation's nose. "For the crime of injuring someone as beautiful and skilled as me, you must pay the price. Prepare yourself."
Desolation groaned and smacked his forehead. "Great, that's just what this fic needs: another sword fight."
"At least you have an audience this time," the Fairy Godbabbit said, pointing to the number of Furinkan students watching from the windows of their classrooms.
A number of the students were talking amongst themselves about the new challenger, and who they figured would win. Somewhere up on the second floor, Nabiki Tendo was already getting a betting pool set up.
"Ne, look Akane," Ranma Saotome remarked, strolling into the courtyard. "Kuno's decided to annoy someone else for a change."
Akane gave an indignant sniff. "I don't see the point of such stupid fights anyways."
"At least I don't have to defend my right to marry a macho tomboy like you," Ranma retorted. And for that cheerful little insight, Akane promptly punted Ranma right off school grounds.
Meanwhile, Kuno had already engaged Desolation in a heated battle. Completely forgetting where his parasol had gone to, Desolation was forced to dodge all of Kuno's attacks. He was doing a fairly good job--and since he was a 'Wu', he didn't really notice whenever Kuno happened to hit him and shatter one or two of his ribs.
"You know," the Fairy Godbabbit said, flapping over to Ranma and Akane. "I've been meaning to ask you this: why is it you always wear Chinese clothes, and no one ever makes you wear the regulated school uniform?"
Ranma scratched his head. "I dunno," he replied, still considering. "Maybe it's because I'm so damned sexy."
Akane snorted sarcastically. "Yeah, right."
"This coming from a macho chick," Ranma said to the Babbit, quickly ducking a punch from Akane.
"Hey, I'm kinda in a battle here!" Desolation exclaimed, frantically trying to block all of Kuno's lightning thrusts.
The Fairy Godbabbit didn't even glance back. "You're doing great," it called out to him.
"You're not even looking!!"
"No, but *you* should be looking at your opponent!" Kuno shouted, swiping at Desolation with his bokken.
Desolation jerked his head back, but not fast enough to avoid getting his eyebrows ripped right off his forehead. Off those eyebrows flew, cleaved perfectly by Kuno's wooden sword; in fact, they were so perfectly cleaved that they wound up smacking the Fairy Godbabbit in the face!
Fairy Godbabbit: [now with furry eyebrows!] "Aiya...that was an experience."
[The Babbit turns to Ranma & Akane.]
Ranma & Akane: o.O;; [recoiling in fear] "KOWAI!!!"
Fairy Godbabbit: --; "I'm not that hideous with Desolation's eyebrows, am I?"
Coming back up (and now a little less hairier than before), Desolation's eyes narrowed. "Okay, Kuno," he said. "That was just rude. Now you're going to pay."
He reached into his trusted backpak.
"Behold my exploding pomegranates!!" Desolation proclaimed.
But alas, all his pomegranates of vengeance had mysteriously disappeared from his backpak! Yet Desolation knew that wasn't the only smite left for him to use. He still had one last attack up his sleeve (which was currently being digested by Gaghiel).
"I swore I would never use this smite," he muttered, completely chagrined.
Desolation: "DOKO COCO!!!"
Suddenly, dozens of coconuts came flying from all directions, a barrage of confused palm tree projectiles being flung left, right and just slightly off-centre! Now since this was Desolation who threw the smite, even the coconuts had no idea where the hell they were going. As a result Kuno, Ranma, Akane, the Godbabbit and even Desolation were forced to frantically dodge the shooting coconuts.
[Fanboy's Note: the punnage behind this lies with the rhyming Japanese words "doko" (meaning where) and "coco" (literally, coconut). Now that you've been enlightened, care to turn yourself off to save electricity?]
This dodging attempt didn't quite work out all too well: by the time the last coconut rolled onto the school grounds, Kuno and Desolation were neatly flattened beneath two large piles o' coconuts. Yes indeed, the old adage "he put the Wu in the coconut and drank it all up" had taken an ironic yet still comical turn.
Akane looked around at the coconut shrapnel laying at her feet. Being the aggressive tomboy she was, she wouldn't allow herself to be humiliated by getting clobbered with something like a coconut. However, her hands were throbbing just slightly. Luckily for her the Fairy Godbabbit was also intact, and helped find an icepack in Desolation's bag.
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "I love diplomatic immunity."
Desolation: [Coco's in the midst!] "When I get over this head wound, I'm going to hire Weiß to take you down."
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "Aw, that's just the concussion talking."
Desolation: [grrrr!] "I'm serious."
[Cue the Babbit suddenly pulling out a 1000t Sana-hammer!]
Fairy Godbabbit: >) "I said, that's just the concussion talking. Ne?"
Desolation: ;_; "H-Hai...."
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