Ranma shook his head. "This has to be one of the most damned surreal fights I've ever seen. Even more than that martial arts doubles skating." It was then that he noticed a strangely smooth and white coconut. "Hey, what the hell's this doing here? It ain't a coconut."
The Fairy Godbabbit flew over to the object in question. "Ne, Deso, what's with the egg?"
Desolation shrugged as he tried to dislodge Kuno's bokken out from his nose. "It's a phoenix egg. I think I picked it up on Lodoss Island...right before an SD Ashram fried me with his lightning spell. I've been trying to find a bird sanctuary for it. Namely someplace other than in the Pokemon world."
Everyone involuntarily shivered at that.
"Back, vile enemies!" Kuno exclaimed, leaping in front of Desolation. "That egg's mine! With it I shall defeat Ranma Saotome once and for all!"
However Kuno didn't realize he was in close proximity to the Wu aura, and thusly inside Desolation's smiting radius. Seconds later, both of them got crushed by a stampeding Labour gone berserk.
The Fairy Godbabbit seemed confused. "He's going to destroy the title hero with an egg?"
"Maybe he's going to let Akane turn it in an omelette for him," Desolation offered, already having recovered from the Labour attack--though Kuno was still cursing the impudent mecha for challenging him. "You know how bad her cooking is."
"My cooking isn't *that* bad!!!" Akane exclaimed, irately dropkicking Desolation right into the nearest wall.
Ranma: [aside to the Babbit] "Actually, it is; avoid her food at all costs. Cyanide doesn't work as fast as her cookies do."
Fairy Godbabbit: ^^ "Gotcha."
Akane: [evil demoness mode!] "WHAT WAS THAT?!"
Ranma & Babbit: o.O;; "Nothing!"
However, since the egg was also in Desolation's hands, it got neatly dropkicked into the wall. The shell cracked slightly, jostling the chick inside. And as Desolation toppled backwards onto the sidewalk (and thusly leaving his cute little imprint on the wall), the egg began to furiously rattle as it fell on top of Desolation's chest.
Then the shell was punched through from the inside.
And one of nature's wondrous miracles occurred.
[Cue the hatching of Suzaku-chan!]
Suzaku-chan: [just a kawaii li'l SD phoenix] "Cheep?"
Fairy Godbabbit: "What's he doing with a chainsaw?"
Desolation: [shrug] "When you want out, you want out."
Not wanting to disturb the phoenix chick, Desolation remained still as Suzaku-chan hopped up his chest and onto his face. Then it decided to nestle itself in his hair. Desolation got up, marveling at how attached Suzaku-chan was to him. That, or else he had mistaken his Shampoo with superglue again. A little Mousse would easily clear that mess up.
"Aw, isn't it cute!" Akane exclaimed, going all Bambi-eyed over Suzaku-chan. "With that chick on his head, he looks so--"
"Stupid," Ranma finished. He quickly ducked a flying coconut, letting Kuno fare not so well against the projectile.
Suddenly a shadow fell upon Desolation.
The Fairy Godbabbit's eyes ballooned out as it looked to the skies. It promptly shot over to a safer spot, hiding behind a pan-dimensional bunker.
"Na ni?" Desolation asked.
[Cue Togenkyo island falling from the sky!]
Desolation looked up, and naturally freaked upon seeing the plummeting landmass. He shrank into a very panicky SD mode, his arms flailing around in all directions. And then a strange thing happened.
One of his exaggerated arm gestures happened to have his fist meet with Togenkyo island. Instantly the island shattered, little pieces of land raining down. Water from the Spring of Drowned Man was everywhere--but the Fairy Godbabbit was courteous enough to give Desolation's parasol to Akane.
However, a breeze caught the parasol. And so off Akane went, flying through the air with not the slightest idea where the hell she was going.
Fairy Godbabbit: o.O [sweatdrop!] "A-Ano...."
Desolation sighed as he watched Akane Tendo pull off a very dysfunctional Mary Poppins imitation. "We're definitely not going to be seeing her for a while. Had you not been on your near-eternal coffee break, you would have seen what I got stuck with in Raiders of the Lost Omake."
The Fairy Godbabbit immediately pointed to Desolation with one of its bat wings. "Um...he did it!"
"NA NI?!" Desolation exclaimed. "You're supposed to be my guardian Babbit! Just whose side are you on?!"
An irate cheeping session from Suzaku-chan caused to the two to return to the plot at hand (which is certainly better than two in the bush...or the shrubbery, discounting how many trees one must cut down with a herring).
Now getting the baby phoenix on his head might have been a good thing for Desolation. After all, whoever wore the funny-looking bird on their head would be rendered indestructible. Unfortunately, the phoenix had one curious quirk: it would become the mortal enemy of the first person it saw upon hatching.
Gee...wonder who that was?
Suzaku-chan: [furiously pecking at Desolation's forehead] "CHEEP CHEEP! CHEEP!"
Desolation: --;; [indignant] "I refuse to believe that the phoenix just happened to see me first when everyone else was fawning over it beforehand."
Fairy Godbabbit: "That's the story and our author's sticking to it."
Desolation: [eyebrow twitch!] "Did you actually have to submit a resume to the Komawari School of Fairy Godbabbits?"
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "Oh, that was a correspondence course."
[Cue the facevaults!]
Suzaku-chan abruptly hissed and snapped at the Fairy Godbabbit. The Babbit naturally recoiled in surprise. "Woah! Has this thing been tested for rabies?"
Desolation shook his head. "You are about as useless as a Hysteriafic."
"Hey!" the Fairy Godbabbit protested. "Her Reservoir Dogs of Flanders fic made great kindling for our fire last night in Cephiro's Forest of Silence...right until the smell of burning paper attracted that army of monsters. Who thought that their polka dances could be deadlier than just eating you?"
At that, Desolation had to concede that the Babbit had a point. However, he also had to contend with Suzaku-chan now trying to peck him to death. Not to mention the li'l firebird was molting all over his new change of clothes...and thusly setting them ablaze.
"I could use a little help here!" he exclaimed, his frantic SD self racing around the school. Desolation spotted a nearby bucket of water and tried to douse the flames. Unfortunately, he realized only after the fact that gasoline and water look remarkably alike.
Desolation: o.O;; "Kyaaaa! My chest hair!"
Fairy Godbabbit: [chasing after him] "Daijobu! I've got the fire extinguisher, and I'll use it just as soon I figure out how to remove the safety pin!"
Fairy Godbabbit: [looking around] "'Click'?"
And then, with as much unceremonious presentation as possible, half a dozen fanboys tumbled down from the heavens and promptly squished Desolation. Yet despite being thoroughly clobbered by the pile o' dropping otaku, Suzaku-chan managed to make it out of the heap unscathed. To celebrate the circle of life, the baby phoenix grabbed Desolation's tongue with its beak and tried to yank it off.
"Shimatta!" Demolition groaned, picking himself up. "Could someone please tell me what just happened?"
Dark Mayhem shook his head as he groggily rose to his feet. "Chaos, you dumbass, what part of the death threat 'Touch the remote control of the gods again and we'll rip your hands off' did you not understand?"
"Evidently all of it," Carnage sighed, rising to his feet.
Dark Mayhem motioned to Carnage. "Ne, you've got an SD Pesti squished onto your back."
SD Pesti #4: @.@ "Itaaaaaiiiii...."
As Carnage tried to whack the super-deformed Pesti-chan off his back with a Zanba sword, Chaos triumphantly burst forth from the remaining pile of Pesti-chans. SD overlords went flailing everywhere.
"Curse you, Beans!" Chaos snapped, waving his fist at the blue skies. "It's all because of your stupid Bean Wars that I changed the channels on this remote instead of using the 'Capture' command! I will have your lake god yet, because I am--!!"
He was abruptly cut off as the Pervmobile used the back of his head as a ramp. The Benkyo Brigade cheered as they drove across the Nerima district, bras and panties already flying in every direction.
"Damn it, Havoc!" Chaos shouted, showing the hentai squad some good, one-fingered avatar courtesy. He paused for a moment to look down. "Would you cut that--oh, hey; I didn't realize I was standing on your back, Desolation."
Desolation, still trying to fight Suzaku-chan for his tongue, merely gave an awkward thumbs-up.
Chaos then returned his attention to the fleeting Pervmobile. "When I catch you for that, you and your Jello is so--!
Moments later, Happosai bounced off Chaos' head.
Happosai: ^-^ "More brassieres! More brassieres!"
And Chaos surely would have had something colourful to say had he and Desolation too) not been trampled by a horde of Furinkan High's female student population.
Furinkan High girls: "GIVE US BACK OUR UNDERWEAR, YOU PERVERTS!!"
"That was impressive," a reassembled Pesti-chan remarked, watching Ukyo use her spatula to peel Desolation off the ground.
Carnage: [reduced to SD Deathscythe boxers] "Whatever."
Demolition: ;_; [still flexing his muscles] "Damn my invisible boyfriend syndrome!"
Ukyo looked around at the utter confusion reigning supreme in the courtyard. "What's all the racket about?" she asked, sheathing her oversized spatula behind her back.
Suddenly a very male Ranma popped up, thrilled to be alive. "I'll tell you what!" he exclaimed happily. "I just got doused in water from a Spring of Drowned Man; I'm never gonna be a girl again!"
"Hai!" Chaos said, putting on a party hat. "And to celebrate, I made punch!"
He skipped across the courtyard, and went about serving Ranma a generous drink.
"You did ensure that wasn't made with the filtered water from our fridge, ne?" Carnage inquired. "Need I remind you about what happened to Jolt?"
Girl-type Ranma: --;; "Someone is going to get their ass kicked for this."
Demolition sighed, looking up at the skies. "I feel completely out of my element here. No fantasy genre I can work with, and there are no girls in sight...all because Ukyo is fondling nii-san!"
Ukyo: ^^ [racing across the courtyard] "Oooh, cute boxers!"
Carnage: [chasing after Ukyo] "Hey! I'm kinda naked without those!"
Nabiki: ^^ [with camera] "With this guy's Tenchi Masaki syndrome, I stand to make a mint off these photos."
"You could go after the Benkyo Brigade," Pesti-chan suggested, looking back at Demolition.
An evil grin appeared on Demolition's face. He drew out the Sword of Light and proceeded to chase after the Pervmobile as it came swinging back for a second serving of fanservice.
"Demolition, no!" Chaos exclaimed, watching him go. "Not into the girl's changeroom!!"
Minutes passed, and nothing happened...save for a Sploot or two. Demolition stumbled out from the girl's changeroom, covered in whipped cream, demon wards stuck to him, and a large dumb grin on his face. "You know," he remarked wistfully to the other fanboys. "Sometimes being invisible to women isn't such a bad thing after all."
By this time, Kuno had recovered from the Labour smite. He looked around Furinkan High, yet was unable to find Desolation--probably due to the fact that he was standing on the fanboy in question. "Tell me," he asked Dark Mayhem. "Where hast the tattooed one vanished too?"
Dark Mayhem raised one of his eyebrows. "Tattooed one? Are you referring to Nima or Tiara?"
Kuno pointed to his own forehead. "He had a mark here--and now he's run off, the coward." At that, he gave a mighty laugh. "Ha ha! It would appear that he feared the prowess of Tatewaki Kuno, and escaped while he still had the chance."
"If that's the delusion you want to go with, who am I to stop you?" Dark Mayhem said, noting how Kuno was completely unaware of Suzaku-chan trying to gnaw on his leg.
Pleased that he had risen victorious in yet another battle, Kuno sauntered off into the sunset. Now had he actually paid attention to the fact that it was morning, he wouldn't have shown up for classes when all the after-school clubs were closing up. But that just goes to show what happens when you let the dust bunnies in your head take over.
"Ne," Chaos asked. "If we've got this much martial arts crammed into one scene, why hasn't that rogue fanboy shown up yet?"
[Cue Riot, seated in a jacuzzi & surrounded by bikini-clad Chinese Amazon babes!]
Riot: ^^ "A martial artist has his priorities. Right now I'm studying the most honourable art of anything-goes, martial arts hottub-fu."
LinLin & RanRan: "Hai!"
"You know," Dark Mayhem remarked, helping Desolation to his feet. "You have to be the only guy I know who's unlucky enough to have Suzaku-chan, a source of invincibility who *should* be on your side, invoke smites against you."
Desolation remained fairly nonchalant, even though the phoenix chick was busy pulling his eyeball further out from its socket. "I am such an unlucky bastard, aren't I?"
"It's a 'Wu' thing," Carnage sighed. "But I think this is one of the few scenes where you've actually been able to interact with us on a multi-page basis. Enjoy it while you can."
Desolation leaned closer to Chaos. "By the way, I feel I should give you a word of warning, Chaos," he said quietly. "After I stumbled out from Haruka and Michiru's 'fun' closet last week, Hotaru was asking me if I had a large ribbon that she could use to wrap herself up with."
Chaos: o.O [erk!] "You mean...?"
Dark Mayhem: "One word, Chaos: run."
A sweatdrop appeared next to Pesti-chan's head. "What were you doing in Haruka and Michiru's private closet?" he asked.
"How should I know?" Desolation replied helplessly. "My soul gets sucked into Mega-Fuma, and the next thing I know I'm modeling Michiru's newest leather outfit."
Havoc-chan: ^-^ "And you looked pretty good in it too. At least from where I sat on the couch with the two Senshi."
"Now who are all of these people?" the Fairy Godbabbit asked,
flapping back over to Desolation--and then trying to ward off Suzaku-chan with its Sana-hammer.
"These guys are the rest of the cast in the series," Desolation answered. "Well...the males anyways."
"You mean there's more of you freaks?!" Ranma-chan exclaimed in disbelief.
Retorted the Fairy Godbabbit, "You're one to talk, girlie-boy."
Suzaku-chan squawked again and belched a fireball in Desolation's face.
Fairy Godbabbit: "I have a rotisserie recipe I could use, if you're interested."
Carnage: "I've got a spit."
Demolition: "I've got a Fireball spell."
Havoc: ^-^ "And I've got panties!"
Carnage & Demolition: "SHADDUP, HAVOC!!"
The arguments and relative insanity came to stop as a procession of bishounen entered the Furinkan High courtyard. A number of them were carrying a palanquin--and not one of them was wearing a shirt.
"What the hey?" Pesti-chan said. "When does this happen in either the manga or the Anime?"
"It doesn't," Dark Mayhem sighed, waving to the occupant in the palanquin. "Ohayo, Sarcasm."
"Ne, what are you guys doing here?" the Dark Elf inquired, sticking her head out.
Chaos warily leaned sideways to look at the long parade of handsome guys behind her. "I feel like we should be asking you that."
She grinned from atop her palanquin. "Oh, this? I'm just taking my bishounen out for a walk. Come along, boys! Let's see if any guys here are harem worthy."
Suddenly a loud and gut-churning, maniacal laugh echoed across the Nerima district.
Kodachi: "Woh hoh ho hoh!!"
Fanboys: [wince!] "Aiya!"
Fairy Godbabbit: >.< "This is almost as bad as that Naga clone incident!"
Desolation: "At least no one's trying to take a genetic sample from me this time, though."
Kodachi Kuno appeared atop the fence encircling Furinkan High, letting loose yet another cackle. Suddenly who should leap onto the fence alongside Kodachi, but Hysteria! The fangirl's hair was up in a hauntingly familiar ponytail, and she was dressed complete with leotard, gymnastics ribbon, and--
Hysteria: "Woh oho ho ho hoo! Oooh, what a kawaii little laugh-chan, Kodachi onee-sama, ne? Ne? Ne?"
Chaos: [recoiling in terror] "Masaka! She's imprinted on Kodachi!"
Sarcasm-hime: @.@; "Ano...a...a...."
Abruptly Sarcasm keeled over, the frightening uberkawaii shock just too much for her handle. Herself the Elf mode was an inevitability as she tumbled out of her palanquin.
Seravy shook his head and looked out at the author. He held up his favourite ventriloquist doll, Dorothy, who was heard to say, "Ok, you've broken Sarcasm-sama. Now are you happy?"
[Fanboy's Note: oh, pour some chocolate on her, lick it off, and she'll be fine.]
There was muttering among the harem at this.
"Yeah, it looks like we'll have to deal with this Hysteria-as-Kodachi thing ourselves," Arima Souichiro said, picking their fairy mistress up. He turned to one of the Weiß boys. "Aya, why don't you talk to your people? I'd say she classifies as a dark beast. Go hunt her future, ne?"
Herself the Elf: x.x; [passed out on the ground, Aisha-style] "Na ni...yadda...make it stop...."
Zelgadis: "I'll go put the tea on."
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