By now Ranma's mere eyebrow twitch had developed into a psychosis that was beyond any acupuncture help from Dr. Tofu. "What the hell are ya doing?!" he snapped at Hysteria. "That's not even cute! You're not even cute! I'm getting ulcers too because you're so damned annoying!"
Carnage: [aside to Dark Mayhem] "Shouldn't he be getting diabetes from her sickening uberkawaii factor?"
Dark Mayhem: "Judging by Hysteria's reaction, Ranma's actually about to be getting his ass kicked."
Desolation: --;; "Don't they mean my ass?"
Fairy Godbabbit: "Oh, that goes without saying."
Hysteria simply stood there on the fence, gawking in disbelief at Ranma. Then ever so slowly, one of her eyebrows began to twitch. Shortly after her other one followed in suit. One could almost see her kawaii yogurt-chan for brains start to bubble angrily.
Hysteria: "YOU DARE CALL POOR KAWAII LITTLE HYSTERIA 'UNCUTE', YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD-CHAN?!"
Demolition: [aside to Carnage] "I'm guessing she gets that temper from you, nii-san."
Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "Fireball."
Yes indeed, Hysteria had all the kawaii abuse-chan she could take, and she wasn't going to take it anymore. Her cute yet evil battle aura was unleashed, directed right at Ranma.
Hysteria: "KAWAII KILLER BUTTERFLY ATTACK!!!"
Ranma's eyes bugged out as the smite roared and shot through the air towards him. "Oh shit, it's a rabid Mothra!" he exclaimed, taking off across the school courtyard and leaving a dust cloud in his wake.
"He really is a potty-mouth, isn't he?" Pesti-chan remarked.
Dark Mayhem nodded. "Viz's translations have nothing on his colourful vocabulary."
Desperate to escape the demonic butterfly, Ranma glanced left and right for something to use as a diversion. He was looking for something. Anything. He found Desolation, who was still trying to get Suzaku-chan (all hail the invincible fire chicken of doom!) to stop pecking at him.
Desolation: "Ow! Hey, would you cut that out! This isn't a Hitchcock fic, okay?"
And so Ranma promptly grabbed Desolation's collar and lobbed the lost fanboy a few blocks to the left. Naturally the carnivorous insectoid youma was attracted by the pheromones of Desolation's 'Wu' aura and charged after the hapless fanboy.
"Ne, Desolation," the Fairy Godbabbit remarked. "You might want to stop fighting with the fiery dodo bird of doom for a moment, and look back."
Desolation continued to try and duct-tape Suzaku-chan's beak shut. "Aw, you've been in Gaghiel's stomach, you've been in them all."
"Can't argue with that," the Fairy Godbabbit sighed, handing Desolation a Bon Voyage card.
Desolation: [sweatdrop!] "You're not coming with me?"
Fairy Godbabbit: [shaking its head] "Nope. The Orochi was enough for me. You're on your own this time!"
Suzaku: [furious li'l SD phoenix] "Cheep Cheep Cheep!"
Desolation: --;; "You do realize I'm not going to give you a letter of recommendation for the next poor schmuck you have to protect."
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "Daijobu; after you, I get to retire."
Desolation: "But you haven't even done anything with me!!"
Fairy Godbabbit: [smirk!] "Haven't I?"
Yet there was no time for further argument, as the Kawaii Killer Butterfly devoured Desolation and Suzaku-chan all in one large gulp. Then a curious thing happened: instead of ramming into something a giving off a destructive explosion, the demonic butterfly paused. And then started to make choking noises.
Fanboys and Ranma characters alike gathered around the killer butterfly youma, watching in morbid fascination as it began to burble.
"Looks like he's got gas," Ukyo said.
"I'm voting for indigestion myself," Demolition piped up.
Ukyo looked around. "Did you hear something."
Chaos: o.O; "Shimatta! It's gonna blow!"
The demonic butterfly abruptly belched, its burp shaking the entire Nerima district. And then up through its digestive tract and out from its mouth shot Desolation, who disappeared far into the distant silhouette of the Tokyo skyscrapers.
Suzaku-chan got blown off somewhere in the process. The irate firebird spread its wings and swooped after Desolation, ready to both roost on and just plain roast the hapless fanboy. Yet an unexpected development came in the form of a baby SD Godzilla-thingy.
Catastrophe: ^-^ "chu chu!"
Suzaku-chan: o.O;; "Cheep?"
And what do you know, Suzaku-chan tasted just like chicken!
* * *
It was a quiet and peaceful morning at the Tendo Dojo. Soun and Genma-panda were busy playing another game of Shogo, and Kasumi Tendo was out hanging laundry to dry. She paused momentarily as a distant shriek was heard, one which seemed to grow louder.
Desolation: o.O;; "...kyaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Kasumi stepped back in surprise as the slightly burnt bundle o' smoking fanboy crash-landed into the garden's pool. "Oh my," she said, surprisingly calm over such an occurrence. Then again, this was the Tendo Dojo; a place where guests tended to literally drop in. The altitude varied, of course.
She walked over to the edge of the pool and patiently waited for Desolation to surface. He spat out a mouthful of water and crawled back onto solid ground.
"Stupid kawaii killer butterfly," he groaned. "Why did it have to burp me right into the crosshairs of Golgo 13's latest target? Do I look like someone who enjoys having my head blown up like a ripe melon? Nooooo!"
"At least you still have your health," the Fairy Godbabbit said, popping up yet again.
Desolation glowered at the Babbit. "What are you still doing here?"
"Hey, I'm not about to let you file for fake medical claims," the Babbit replied. "At the rate you get injured, it would take decades to clear out the backlog and make sure you actually did get smited by everything you reported."
"At least a case of death is out of the question," Desolation muttered, wringing out his jacket. He suddenly realized he had company, and slowly turned his head to Kasumi.
She smiled pleasantly at him. "Ohayo. Are you a friend of Ranma's?"
Desolation recoiled in terror upon seeing her. "KYAAAAAA!! It's the Red Queen! She's found me!!"
Mistaking her for Red Queen Kasumi left Desolation reduced to a shivering and sniffling wreck. And since this was the kind & loving Kasumi, she knelt down and held him in her arms. "There, there," she said quietly, cooing and soothing the frazzled fanboy.
"J-Jo'o-samaaaaaa," Desolation warbled.
"Kasumi will be here for you," she said consolingly.
Fairy Godbabbit: [eye roll!] "Well, if that doesn't make you readers nauseated, I don't know what will."
Just then the other fanboys managed to arrive on the scene, courtesy of a very large and very inconspicuous Wing Gundam. Racing into the Dojo, they searched for Desolation's newest crashsite.
Moments later, everyone froze upon seeing Desolation in the arms of the fair Kasumi Tendo.
Desolation: ;_; "Make the bad fic stop...."
Kasumi: [stroking his hair] "Daijobu. Kasumi-chan's here for you."
And then Desolation abruptly turned to the other fanboys. His saddened face became a cheerful grin as he gave them a thumbs-up. Moments later he resumed his sniffling & teary Bambi-eyed expression.
"Son of a bitch," Dark Mayhem said, unable to contain his surprise. "I think Desolation just managed to snag Kasumi Tendo for a girlfriend."
"What a lucky bastard," Carnage remarked, shaking his head.
Pesti-chan and Chaos nodded. "Hai hai."
"Oh, *is* he now?" came a very cold and ominous voice behind the fanboys. Everyone immediately shrank into terrified SD mode, unwilling to turn around as they felt a large congregation of shadows fall over them.
But they had no choice.
^-^ I love contractual obligations.
So the fanboys slowly turned around, and beheld the leather-clad glory of the Red Queen Senshi.
Red Queen Senshi: [Jo'o-sama!] "Well?"
Chaos: [erk!] "Um...RUN!!!"
Chaos, Dark Mayhem and Carnage all took off in separate directions, hitting the horizon lines before their dust trails could even dissipate. Only Pesti-chan was left standing before the Red Queen Senshi, rooted in place as his feet were unwilling to move.
He looked up in terror at the leather-clad soldiers of love and justice, and the occasional naughty spanking. Suddenly Pesti-chan collapsed, breaking apart into his 6 SD selves. The SD Pesti's naturally freaked and proceeded to run into each other in a frantic attempt to escape. Countless super-deformed versions of him bonked heads and got
entangled before they all managed to scatter amidst frightened shrieks.
Red Queen Makoto sighed. "What am I going to do with them?"
"You might want to spank Number Three," Red Queen Ami replied.
"By the way," Red Queen Rei added. "Don't look down."
Red Queen Makoto's eyes widened, and she slowly tipped her head downwards...only to see SD Pesti #3 clinging to her thighs and twirling her panties on his index finger.
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Hotcha!"
Red Queen Makoto: [punting Pesti #3!] "FREAK!!!"
Red Queen Minako: "I could have used my Venus Spank-Me Chain on him, if you had asked."
Demolition: [sigh!] "And once again, I become nothing more than a piece of off-side dialogue."
Red Queen Hotaru: [looking around] "You hear something?"
Demolition: --;; "I'll just go back to kicking the Benkyo Brigade's ass in the girl's changeroom at Furinkan."
Meanwhile, Dr. Tofu looked on at Desolation and Kasumi, distraught that the woman he had secretly pined for was now taken. "My kawaii Kasumi," he sniffed, letting his shoulders forlornly droop.
And then he felt a consoling pat on his shoulder. Dr. Tofu turned his head, and saw Havoc standing next to him.
Havoc: "I can understand your sadness. But now let me show you *my* world...."
^-^ Tee hee!
Well, there you have it: a fic in the life of the unluckiest avatar to ever cross the face of fanfiction. The concept of 6 Degrees of Desolation itself remains the brainchild of a number of fanboys who should be rightly thanked for their indebted contributions. To Carnage, who first conceived the idea of a fic strictly dedicated to Desolation; to Havoc, who helped me sketch out the 6 key Animes Desolation stumbled through; and more than anything, thanks to Desolation himself for being such a fun and lovable smite magnet.
And I should also add a large "Domo arigato!" to the Elf for greatly helping me with the Omake Theatre below. You'll see why once you read it. Originally she was going to draw it...but like me (unfortunately --;;), a lack of time prohibits such indulgences.
This is His lordship Chaos, reminding you to keep your EVA population down by having your EVAs spayed or neutered.
Desolation: [wandering in] "Na ni? Is the omake over yet?"
Fairy Godbabbit: "Yes, Desolation, this is the end of the omake as we know it."
Desolation: ^-^ "And I feel fine!"
[Cue the BeBop falling from the sky for no apparent reason!]
Fairy Godbabbit: "You were saying?"
Desolation: ^-^;; "Crap."
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