[Cue a group of SD bishounen marching across the fic!]
All: ^-^ "omake, Omake, OMAKE! Waaaaaiiii!"
[Suddenly they all panic and run off as an SD Sarcasm-chan bounds after them with her whip!]
SD Sarcasm: ^^ "It's good to be the Queen."
OMAKE THEATRE (FANGIRL EDITION)!!!
(Feel free to hum Shania Twain here, to the tune of "Man, I feel up bishounen.")
And now, because of popular request, we bring you a unique look into Sarcasm's "Bishounen Nite" at the Planet Hentai! Well, actually no one really requested it, but we're sure fangirls everywhere were expecting it be done sooner or later. We male otaku have always been at their mercy and subject to their whims, but do we care?
No, evidently not.
So here it is!
* * *
The place: Planet Hentai.
The time: Thursday night!
The scene: Bishounen-o-rama!
"Hey, Mo-chan!" Sarcasm-hime called out to her vampiric valet. "Another round of Strongbow over here!"
Planet Hentai was as crowded and noisy as ever...but something was strangely different. A difference that was very subtle, a difference that Chaos couldn't quite put his finger on (were he actually there, and not having been stuffed into the freezer as punishment for his latest Chaosfic: Fairy Princess Ritsuko).
Instead of busty Variable Geo waitresses scurrying from table to table, there were pretty boys of all ages in skin-tight black spandex.
Sarcasm: ^^ [Tee hee!] "Hey, so I like Gene Starwind's outfit!"
On the stage, Nuriko was belting out his favourite Fushigi songs, and on the dance floor Schuldich was putting the moves on a not-altogether-unwilling Youji. Pandemonium was working her way around the room with obligatory strip-searches (tentacles optional). Sarcasm herself was enjoying a lapdance by Asa-pin, while across the table Asahina Mutsuki and her Shouta complex snuggled with a struggling Nino-kun.
"Ne, if you're a good boy I just might find some way to have Arima 'accidentally' end up in your room tonight, Asa-pin," Sarcasm drawled.
Asa-pin grinned wickedly. "I'll finally be able to create Asaba Merry-Land!" he happily proclaimed, nuzzling Sarcasm's ear. "You're so good to me, Hime-sama."
And off at the Benkyo Brigade's private (and mostly empty) table, Havoc-kun groaned and massaged his temples. "I can't believe I gave her a Bishounen's Night at the Planet."
Of course, it had been the only way to appease her after that Maze incident. Could he help it if the Elf didn't recognize the subtle differences between his and male Maze's techniques?
"But why do you have to be here?" Ecchi-chan Charon asked, desperately trying to keep his mind off the half-nekkid bishounen by reading a Futari-H manga.
Havoc glowered at Sarcasm. "After the stunt she pulled on the first Bishounen Night, I'm not about to let her go unsupervised ever again. We had to replace the entire Jello supply for the wrestling pit! And I don't even want to talk about the Hentorium!"
Meanwhile, Nuriko had finally--and reluctantly--relinquished the Karaoke machine to Anarchy. Now able to croon out her greatest badly-sung karaoke hits, Anarchy pointed to Kaji behind the bar and demanded some Sake...any Sake...ALL the Sake.
"Hmm? What's that for?" Nuriko asked, sliding into his seat as Sarcasm suddenly let out a truly evil giggle.
"Oh, I just thought of a great way to traumatize Havoc," Sarcasm snickered. "I'll send him a singing Ecchigram with Fist of the North Star's Kenshiro in pink panties. It just might put him off panties for a whole couple of hours."
Havoc-kun: --;; "I HEARD THAT!!!"
Mutsuki: [grrr!] "If you don't hold still, Nino-kun, I'll get these cute bows crooked."
Nino-kun: ;_; "Tasukete! I don't wanna look kawaii!"
Hysteria: ^-^ [bounce bounce!] "Ne, ne! Did somebody say kawaii? Oooh, kawaii little Nino-kun-chan just looks so kawaii with those kawaii little pink bows in his hair, ne? Ne? Ne?"
The entire Planet Hentai came to an abrupt halt.
Bishounen heads slowly turned to the smiling Hysteria-chan.
"Who the hell let HER in here?!" Sarcasm exclaimed, recoiling at the kawaii pink sparkles emanating from Hysteria. She glanced over at the door, where Sanosuke was passed out on the floor and covered in kawaii Sailor Moon plushies.
Hysteria giggled. "Sano-chan loved Hysteria's kawaii little plushie-chans! Does Sarcasm-momma want to play with them too?"
Sarcasm: [hauling Hysteria up by the collar] "What have I told you about calling me 'Momma' you uberkawaii psycho?"
Hysteria: [sweatdrop!] "Hai-chan."
"Crap. She got Sano-kun," Nuriko lamented.
Pandemonium stepped up to Sarcasm's table. "Want me to frisk her for you?"
"Oooh!" Hysteria exclaimed, excitedly jumping up and down beside Pandemonium. "Tentacle-chan! Tentacle-chan!"
And then out from behind Hysteria's kawaii dress-chan emerged a number of very cute pink tentacles. Pandemonium got very flustered and stepped away from the bowtie-clad tentacle-chans.
"Guess I'll have to deal with her myself," Sarcasm sighed. She pushed herself up from the table and hefted the Zanba Spatula that had been leaning against the wall. "Okay, you know the rules: no Hysterias, Yamheads, Wedding Peaches or sickeningly cute derivatives thereof are allowed in here. You'll scare all my bishies away!"
Havoc: --; [monotone] "Oh no. We can't have that happening."
Sarcasm: [glare!] "You stay out of this, Havoc, or else none of my bishounen-shaped cookies for you!!"
Havoc: ^^ "That's okay. I've already had your cookies."
Pandemonium: [groan!] "Otoka-san, can't you go for one paragraph without being so perverted?"
After launching a number of throwing spatulas in Havoc's general direction--and sending spurts of Cream Lemon everywhere as a result--Sarcasm turned back to Hysteria. "Now you can either take your little Dragon Pink peachy rump out of here, or I can send you on a tour of Tokyo."
Hysteria: ^-^ "Oooh, tour-chan! Hysteria's always wanted to see the kawaii little Tokyo tower-chan!"
Sarcasm grinned, her fangs showing. "Tour it is, then. ZANBA SPATULA SMITE!!!"
And off went Hysteria, flying past poor Sanosuke and out the door in a streak of pink and blue. A distant "Oro-chan?" was heard, followed by a rather hefty *Sploot-chan!!* moments later.
"She'll probably be back in a couple hours, unfortunately," sighed Sarcasm. "Darshu, you're on door duty for tonight. After all, you can handle anything, can't you?"
Dark Schneider returned her ecchi smirk as he sauntered over to relieve Sanosuke. "Of course, babe! I *am* the best, after all."
Sarcasm slid back into her seat and then looked around. "Hm? Where'd Mutsuki go?"
"Little fangirls' room," said Nuriko distractedly as he ogled a passing Marron Glaces. "Oooh, he's almost as pretty as Hoto-kun," he murmured appreciatively.
"He is, isn't he?" Sarcasm smiled, then jerked her head around towards a black-clad form trying to sneak out the door...with Jun Aoi thrown over its shoulder. "Hoi! Hold it! You know you have to sign my bishies out."
She quickly consulted a clipboard, and found that Jun had indeed been signed out. "Okay, you can borrow him--but he has to be back by 2am. If he isn't, you'll be hurting!"
Ruckus: ^-^ "Haaaaai!"
Jun: ;_; "Why do these things always happen to me?"
* * *
Mutsuki was on her way back to the table, Nino (complete with pink bows in his hair) in tow, when somebody ran into her. She looked down and immediately leered. "Why hello there! You're a cutie! And just how old are you?"
Chiriko's eyes widened and he sweatdropped. "Ano...I'm thirteen." He cringed away from the fanged shouta-con.
Mutsuki's face abruptly fell. "Shimatta. If only I'd met you a year ago," she pouted. "Oh well, there's plenty more cute little boys out there."
And with that she sailed off towards Sarcasm's table.
Nino hung back, looking up at Chiriko with mournful eyes. "You have no idea how lucky you are," he moaned.
"NO idea," muttered Hayama as he walked past, hands in pockets and wearing his usual nonchalant expression. He paused to watch SD Chic and SD Gorgeous strut on past him, the two no doubt attending to something
else their "Yousei-chan" wished to be pampered with. "This has to be one of the weirdest places I've ever been in," Hayama remarked. "Even more than Sana's house."
"Nino-kun, what are you doing back there? Hurry up!" Mutsuki called from the table.
"Hai hai," sighed Nino, leaving a bewildered (and vaguely grateful) Chiriko to make his escape...only to run into a near-catatonic and blushing Haruto.
"Ano...daijobu?" asked Chiriko, waving his hand in front of Haruto's face. He turned his head to see what Haruto was staring at--which appeared to be a tall figure with long white hair, draped in a red mantle and surrounded by a gaggle of fuku-clad schoolgirls.
Chiriko looked back at Haruto.
Haruto: [big Bambi eyes] "Oh...my...god!"
Sarcasm: "Aw, man! Who let the schoolgirls in here? Pandemonium, get them away from my Red Mantle."
Suddenly, out from the entranceway to El Dojirado came a tremendous wind. The tempests swept through Planet Hentai, bringing with them a hapless (yet very pissed off) Akane Tendo, who was still grappling onto
Desolation's parasol for dear life.
Akane Tendo: [flyby!] "RANMA, YOU JEEEEEEEEERRRRRRKK!"
She shot across the dance floor and then got sucked into the air vents. Moments later, a postcard floated down from above, landing on Sarcasm's table. Curious, Nino-kun picked it up and read it.
"'Dear guys, Desolation here. Things were finally looking up for me...right until Nicholas D. Wolfwood mistook me for Vash the Stampede and tried to shoot me full of holes with his cross gun. Luckily he only realized his mistake after he had shot off my arms and legs. So we went over to a bar for a drink. Then a Gundam space colony fell on me. It hurt. A lot. Sincerely, Desolation. P.S.: if you could, please forward this to my Kasumi-chan. Oh, and...WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?!?!'"
Nino-kun's eyebrow was twitching as he put the postcard down on the table. "What was that about?"
Sarcasm shrugged. "No one important. He's not a bishounen."
The night continued.
A few hours later found Anarchy and Tasuki doing what they do best, namely singing at the top of their lungs and the bottom of the Sake bottle. Sarcasm was embroiled with Pandemonium and Shinobu in a discussion on bondage techniques, while Nuriko had finally grabbed Marron and dragged him onto the dance floor.
Shinobu: "I recently discovered this wonderful stuff called 'bondage tape'. It sticks to itself but not to anything else. Mitsuru seems to be quite fond of it…although he'd never admit it if you asked him, of course.." ^-^
Sarcasm: "I dunno, I prefer silk scarves. They're very soft on the skin, but have a great deal of--"
Abruptly Sarcasm was hit in the back of the head by a little floating heart. And then another. "What the hell?" she muttered, turning around and peering into the darkness that shrouded the corner booth. Then she saw the source of the little hearts and grinned, elbowing Shinobu and Pan-chan to call their attention to the corner.
Slowly the entire room (except for Mutsuki, of course) began to turn and watch what was happening in the corner booth. The dance floor stilled and the voyeuristic glee was almost palpable.
Hysteria: "Oooo, it's just so kawaii, ne?"
[Cue the sound of a record being yanked to a screeching halt as the mood is ruined!]
Dee Laytner: [looking up from a very disheveled, blushing & dazed Ryo Maclaine] "Do you people mind? I finally get him to cooperate and now we can't even have any privacy!"
Sarcasm grinned and lazily waved her hand up and down. "Oh, don't mind us! Just go on doing what you were doing."
Suddenly she noticed Hysteria trying to dress Mitsuru up in one of her kawaii frilly aprons. "Hey, what the hell are you doing back in here?!" she exclaimed. "Darshu, why'd you let her in? Darshu?"
She walked over to the door, and then found a note taped to it.
Sarcasm: [reading] "'Arshes dropped by and invited me out 'for tea'. Sorry, but I've got my priorities. ^_^'"
"Dammit, I can't depend on him for anything!" she sighed. "Well, that's not true. I can depend on him for *some* things...."
Her voice trailed off into ecchi chuckles. Moments later she perked up as she saw Zelgadis wander through the door. "Zel-chan! I thought you'd never get here! Let's go off into the back and--"
Charon: [suddenly standing up!] "Okay, that's ENOUGH! The Hentenno can't take it anymore!"
Havoc: [pulling out the remote control of the gods] "This omake is OVER! Too damn many bishounen, and not enough Rule 3! I feel dirty now."
[Havoc suddenly bounds across the tables!]
Havoc: ^-^ "Pu-chan, how about a sponge bath?"
Setsuna: ^^ [with a nyotaimori platter o' Folken] "Not now, Havoc. I'm busy."
Havoc: o.O;; [erk!]
This fic has been brought to you by the Legion of Ecchi Fangirls and Gratuitous Self-Indulgence.
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