CLUB ANIPIKE 1013 HOURS

           Juri Arisugawa groaned and buried her face in her hands as she turned away from the television set. "Thank the Ends of the World it was Touga who rehearsed the swordplay choreography for that fic. I would have stabbed myself if I had to be on the same set as that idiot again."
           She heaved a quiet sigh and turned her attention back to the other side of the stage, which was covered by a screen. "All right then... Bachelor # 1..."
           Akio Ohtori arranged his open shirt collar a little in his handheld mirror, arching an eyebrow. "Yeesssss?"
           "I'm a girl who's into the *action* side of the Fic. If you could take me to where the action is, where would that be?"
           Akio considered, stroking his chin. "Well, I would say that I'd take you to my observatory. From there, we could look at the stars, spy on the other members of my Academy, and then, in the dark, we would make our own action!"
           She smiled. "Oooh, from heavenly bodies to our bodies. I like that...Bachelor # 2?"
           Kodachi Kuno hiccuped and tossed another can of Jolt cola over her shoulder, ricocheting it off a nearby Jenga game and collapsing the stack. "Hai!"

Vice Admiral Fuji: --; "Dammit. We were so close!"

Lieutenant Vice Admiral Mifune: --; "This is all Tylor's fault. I'll kill him myself!!"

Vice Admiral Fuji: O.o "Calm yourself, sir! You'll have another heart attack!"

           Juri ignored the mayhem coming from the corner table, and went back to playing The Dating Game. "Bachelorette #2, when I'm not getting an education, I'm raiding the kitchen. If you made us a midnight snack, what would it be?"
           Kodachi rubbed her hands together gleefully. "Oooooh, a few graham crackers, some marshmallows and chocolate, and perhaps a *dash* of arsenic, if the mood's right!" Unfolding her hands from inside her blue and white kimono, the raven-haired Ranma star innocently offered Akio a plate.

Kodachi: ^-^ "Brownie?"

Akio: ^^ "Ooooh. I'll bet these are nothing like Anthy's cooking!"

Anthy: [from kitchen!] "I HEARD THAT!"

Frying Pan: [loaded with bacon and eggs] *KLONG!*

Akio:@ @
           ~~~~

Ohta: ^-^ [Iron Chef commentator extraordinaire!] "If I could cut in here for a moment? It looks like Anthy had prepared 2 grade AA eggs sunny side up with 3 pieces of bacon! I'd like to point out how aerodynamic her food was as they flew across the room. That's the mark of a true chef! But the question is: will Chairman Largo, who's currently subbing for Kaga, consider it a worthy offering?"

           Juri giggled. "It all sounds so tasty, Bachelorette # 2, just like you! Now, Bachelorette #3...."
           The Cheshire Cat licked the back of her hand, flicking her ears back and forth lazily. "Niao?"
           "I've always found it difficult to make time for myself. What do you do to make time for yourself?"
           The neko-jin considered the question carefully, her head swaying from side to side. Well, either that, or she was distracted by the ceiling fan. "Mrrrrrrr...I sneak away for a short nap. Ten or fifteen hours at a time usually does the trick."

Akio: ^-^ [sidling up to the Cheshire Cat] "Here, kitty kitty...care for a catnip mouse..."

Cheshire Cat: ^-.-^ [unimpressed!] "And *why* is it hanging out of your zipper?"

Akio: ^^;; "Er, I'm trying to be a sexy commando like Masaru?"

Kodachi: >.< "Ewwww. Jotaru, more caffeine! I can't take this with a clear head!"

Juri: --; "Perhaps I'll just kidnap Miki and drag him to Planet Hentai for a Juri sundae."

           Over at the strip poker game, Ryo Saeba sniffed disdainfully as he watched Akio try to keep the Cheshire Cat from unsheathing her claws and doing damage to little Akio. "Idiot. She's at *least* a nine on the Mokkori Meter, and he's screwing it up!"
           Male Maze punched him lightly in the shoulder. "You're the one who's screwing things up here, so get your head back into the game!" Heaving a sigh, he slammed his other shoe onto the table. "I fold."
           Kasumi cheerfully added his footwear to the growing pile of clothes at her side. "Thank you so much," she smiled, adjusting her own belt one more time. Not a hairpin had left her head yet, while the four members of the Benkyo Brigade were all left wearing just their boxer shorts now.
           "Hai, hai, you're welcome," Male Maze sighed again. He leaned over to Kintaro on his other side. "It's really hard to get mad at the lady when she's so incredibly polite," he muttered.
           Kintaro nodded back, gazing at his hand. "I'll have to study her strategy later. Just look on this as another educational experience."
           Male Maze snorted and glanced overhead at the television set. "And what do you call that?" he asked, pointing upwards. "Another educational experience?"
           Looking up, Kintaro blinked. "Ummm, no. That I would call the equivalent to suffering a Twisted Tales of Tokyo dub."

SCENES FROM HARUKA VS. THE PREDATOR 1026 HOURS

           Panting heavily, Haruka stumbled on. The fluorescent green trail of blood shimmered in the moonlight as she tried to hunt down the hunter.
           She was hurt. One eye blackened, almost swollen shut. Her ribs were aching, possibly cracked. Throat sore, ankle turned, numerous scrapes and bruises.
           But she had given as good as she had gotten. A beating was one of those things that she enjoyed giving more than receiving. She knew she had taken one of the Predator's hands and cut open his chest. And now she was tracking him to his own lair.
           Brushing aside a few bushes, she gazed down the entrance to the sewer pipe. A faint glow came from deep within and the blood trail led in there.
           Haruka moved stealthily down the dripping conduit, keeping her back to the wall. Then she saw the edge of the ship's hull gleaming softly. Somehow, he had managed to guide his craft down here under the city. If he was in there....
           She gripped the Space Sword in her hand.
           She could see the glow, brighter now, coming from inside his ship. The door was ajar and she slipped in quietly, taking care to tread very lightly even as she limped down the metallic hallway. Still keeping her back against the wall, Haruka moved inch by inch, her whole body tense.
           Before she realized it, the corridor emptied into a wide, open room. Glass cases covered the walls from one end to the other. And in them were all the Predator's trophies. Skulls from other races were stuck on sharp pikes. Pelts from animals that she couldn't recognize were hung in their cases. In one window behind her, what looked like a water-filled aquarium burbled, mechanical piranhas swimming leisurely about inside.
           Across the room, a set of windows in the far wall were swirling with heavy mist. As Haruka approached them, the white clouds were suddenly shredded from within, revealing what lay behind them.
           Minako hung in front of her, arms and legs held up by metal rods. There was no doubt that she was dead. Ami was in the window beside her, still in her battle fuku, which had been torn in several places.
           Makoto...hadn't had her body brought with her. Haruka shuddered at the lifeless green eyes and instead moved to the next window, fearing what she'd see.
           Instead, the case shattered as the large, clawed hand that she *hadn't* cut off exploded through the glass to squeeze her windpipe shut.
           Fighting for air, Haruka gripped the massive wrist with both hands and lifted herself, bracing her feet on either side of the glass. With a shove of her legs, she launched herself back into the middle of the room, pulling him through and landing in a heap together.
           Even as the pain from her ribs and ankle hit her, Haruka was crawling to her feet, looking around for her Space Sword. She couldn't see it with the swirling mist now spilling out onto the deck. Feeling around desperately, her fingers touched cold metal, curling around a grip.
           She felt the shadow of the hunter fall over her. Rolling onto her back, she swung the arm that now held the handblade, scything a long gash against her opponent's already damaged ribs. Her feet followed through a second or two later as she slammed a heel into the side of his knee.
           The Predator tumbled and hit the deck in front of her, snarling. She responded with another lash of her feet, kicking the helmet off his head. He grabbed for her leg, but she squirmed away, ignoring the burning in her chest.
           Then her free hand closed around her Space Sword. She knew the feel of the hilt beneath her hand. Both weapons were hers.
           With every ounce of strength Haruka had, she pushed herself up and turned on her one good leg. Lifting her arms, she clashed the two blades together, then swung them down.
           The Predator's death howl echoed through the room as they drove home into his chest, his back arching off the deck. His claws tore at her shoulder in vain then sank down, lifeless.
           Haruka winced and pulled both weapons out, trying to back away from the body in case it turned out to have more than one life.
           Nothing moved.
           After a minute, she breathed a little easier and turned away.
           Then the ripples began appearing. One, then two, then four, then ten... She was surrounded by Predators. All were in armour and helmets, many carrying other blades or spears. One held a spiked mace on a chain. The air was thick with growls and guttural breathing.
           Wheezing, battered, bruised, and bloody, Haruka opened her hands. The handblade and Space Sword clanged to the deck loudly. As she glared around the room, she cocked her head to one side, trying to catch her breath. "Okay...Who's next?" She motioned with her fingers, begging for someone to make the first move.
           Two of them stepped aside to reveal an open doorway. A mammoth figure stood there, silhouetted through the mist. It took a step forward and she could hear a chain clink. And then the fog blew away to reveal a giant Totoro, casually swinging a pair of bladed nunchakus.

Totoro: :D [whirling the Kusarigama around his body] "..."

Haruka: O.o!!!!

           [The kana for "I have to fight THAT?!" scrolls in behind Haruka, clonking a spare Predator in the head.]

           The giant Totoro bowed to her and laid his Kusarigama down at her feet. He watched as the others picked up their fallen comrade and carried the body off into the back. Then, reaching behind his back, he produced a giant leaf and presented it to her.

Totoro: :D "...."

           Picking up his nunchakus in one hand and an umbrella with the other, he strolled back off into the bowels of the craft.

Director Chaos: "And . . . CUT! Totoro, what are you doing? Aren't you going to face her down and drive her off the ship? What's with the LEAF?"

Totoro: :D [snaps fingers!] ". . . ."

[Cue the Nekobus roaring up and parking itself on Chaos!]

Nekobus: *SCREEEECH!*

Director Chaos: --; [itai!] "Oh, what's the use arguing with a Totoro in the first place? PRINT!"

Ami: o.o [holding up a sign against the glass!] *AIR!!!*

[This ficfeed has abruptly been terminated due to parking restrictions. Please stand by.]

CLUB ANIPIKE 1042 HOURS

           As the picture faded, the world was at stake. Not because of Chaosfics, although everybody remembered the time when nature itself rebelled against the DoCo Wa Greenwood Chaosfic those many years ago.
           Reinhardt Von Lohengramm, emperor of the galaxy, Mr. October of Bishonen Big Gun Bad Boys, was commanding his armies. They were spread across the earth to fight the hordes thrown against them. Their only problem was...his dice rolls were horrible. And the Risk board was no longer under his control.

Lohengramm: --; "My galactic fleet for a six."

Prince Phil: ^^ "You just lost Africa, Reinhold."

Lohengramm: --; "Reinhardt...but the name is Von Lohengramm-sama to you, sir."

Prince Phil: ^^ "Yes, of course it is."

           The loudspeaker chimed and a brief burst of feedback squealed through the rafters. "Would the casts of Those Who Hunt Elves and Neon Genesis Evangelion please report to the Studio and soundstage # 0...1...C...6. Filming will commence shortly. Please move all mechas from their parking spots and arrange for pre-fic inspection. Hot wax is optional. That is all."
           From behind the bar, Misato heaved a sigh and undid her apron, folding it up. "Jotarou, if you need me, I'll be making a complete and utter fool of myself in the back."
           He nodded. "I'll have the aspirin bottle ready for you when you're done, boss."
           Misato slung her red jacket over her shoulder and tugged on the matching short skirt. "If I'm not back out in a few hours, call my insurance agent. I willed the Club to you."
           She strode through the crowd, ruffling an SD Carbuncle's fur as she passed. He and a small horde of super-deformed, FF8 Guardian Forces were gathered around a Kerplunk game, cheerfully pulling sticks out. The game came to an abrupt and tragic end when the SD-Jumbo Cactuar mistook the name of the game, and then performed his ultimate attack, Kerplunk, on the booth.

Pesti-chan: [looking up] "Why is there a giant marble on top of that booth?"

Ash Ketchum: "Awww, now how am I going to catch those cute little Pokemon?"

Pesti: [whapping Ash upside the back of the head] "Hush, you!"

           As Misato Katsurgai breezed through the double doors, she idly smacked the monitor recessed in the wall beneath the Studio emblem. And the set flared to life once again.

FIC #4: CLASSIFIED PLACE: STUDIO ANIPIKE, STAGE #0106 TIME: 1058 HOURS COMMENTS: Get the crowbar!! We've got to strip this baby down!


           Around the craft services table, the Angel Tabris munched on a sandwich. "That's where I think you're wrong, Sachs. See, if he hadn't blown that last charge, he could have made it all the way to Brussels."
           Sachiel shook his large head while stabbing his fork into his salad plate. "No way. The Prussians were still strong. Even if the English had been beaten, he wouldn't have gotten through the Prussian army."
           Israfel looked up from his giant sub. "I think he should have made a break for the Americas like his Guards. Gaghiel agrees with me, too."
           Everyone looked down the table at the immense fish-like, who merely shrugged and stuck his head back into the pail of minnows.
           The other two Angels, Shamshel and Matarael, both groaned as they came up. "Not the French pipsqueak again," Matarael muttered, stretching a spider leg down the length of the table to grab a napkin. "I swear, you wargamers...Ne, who ordered the McDuo's takeout?"

Chaos: "When you guys are finished stuffing your faces, can we start the fic?"

Shamshel: [mmmmMMMM!] "Sure thing. Hey, these are great donuts!"

Meryl Stryle: [I'm sure I left a box here somewhere!] "HEY!"

Shamshel: O.o "Uh-oh."

Chaos: "Break's over! Let's scroll fic!"

SCENES FROM: THOSE WHO HUNT EVAS 1100 HOURS

           Major Misato Katsuragi groaned softly as she watched Israfel proceed to bury Eva Units 01 and 02 up to their knees. Normally, that would be a fun thing to do on a beach, but in this case, it had decided to bury them upside down. She turned to Maya and Shigeru. "Contact the Defense Forces and have them break out the shovels and bulldozers," she sighed. "Oh, and someone drop an N2 mine on that Angel while they're at it?" Turning away from the monitors, she headed for Commander Ikari's office.
           Nodding their acceptance of her orders, the NERV lieutenants began making preparations for digging their pilots out. Then Makoto Hyuga noticed an odd movement around the ankle of Unit 01. "Major? We've already got people there!"
           Hurrying back to her spot, Misato leaned over Makoto's shoulder to blink in disbelief at the screen. "Who? That's...that's not one of our tanks, and those aren't JDF personnel...Hey, HEY!! Whoever you are, get that crowbar away from...what ARE YOU DOING??"

*           *           *

           Out on the outskirts of Tokyo-3, Junpei scratched his head as he stared down into the crater where EVA 01 was doing its best palm tree impersonation. "Would someone please explain to me how we're supposed to strip these things naked?"
           Ritsuko-chan elbowed past him, shouldering a bazooka. "Got my can opener right here!"
           Airi sighed and managed to wrest the shoulder launcher away from the high school girl, handing Junpei a crowbar. "Here you go. And remember, he has to call you the Queen."
           The martial-arts expert slapped it into his palm. "Right!"
           EVA Unit 01 exploded out of the ground, dirt flying everywhere as it took off at high speed, EVA Unit 02 poking its head out of the ocean to watch the chase scene.

SD EVA Unit 01: [must go faster!] "KYAAAA! JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA!"

Red King Junpei: "WOOOHOHOHOHOHOH! Don't call me the Queen, Ikari-kun, call me the King!" Chaos: O.o; "The hell? This isn't in the script!"

           Airi hitched herself up onto the top of the tank, crossing her long legs as Junpei waved his crowbar around, trying to pry the armour off the frantic Eva Unit. "Junpei, quit playing around with that mecha and get that tattoo!"
           A few minutes later, he sauntered back, bearing the armoured plate with the spell fragment imbedded on it. "Got it. C'mon doggie, do your little magic."
           Cecelia snarled at him as she hopped off the tank. "Oh, if I was a real dog, I'd bite you if I thought I could stand the taste." Grabbing the plate, she began transferring the spell.
           "One down, four to go," Junpei commented, stretching his arms. "Ne, where's Ritsuko-chan?"
           The blonde schoolgirl zoomed past just them, grabbing his arm and yanking him into the tank. "Tasuketeeee! Those two guys don't have tattoos!"
           Everyone turned to see Israfel's two halves looming over them, both growling.

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