OBLIGATORY INTRO BIT THEATRE!!!
[Cue His lordship Chaos driving the Akiocar down a dark, albeit well-lit road, his open shirt flapping in the wind.]
His lordship Chaos: ^^v "I, His lordship Chaos, do hereby permit this docufic to be about my newest fic: 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding Peach'."
Nightbreak: [popping up from the back seat!] "What?! I thought I was writing this fic!"
His lordship Chaos: "You did, but I am merely improving on it."
Touga: "And now he's going to show you the End of the Fic!"
Nightbreak: -.-;; "What is he doing here?"
His lordship Chaos: [shrug!] "Trying to sucker more drooling fangirls into reading the series?"
Nightbreak: "That's it, I'm doing my own intro. bit."
[Suddenly the Akiocar gets sideswiped by a speeding Nekobus!! Nightbreak leaps onto the Nekobus just as the Akiocar careens off the road!!]
Touga: >.< "My face! My perfectly merchandisable face!"
His lordship Chaos: o.O;;; "I knew I should have stuck with Speed Racer insteeeeeeaaaaaaaad!!"
OBLIGATORY INTRO BIT, TAKE 2:
[Cue the twisted Gendo-lookalike author sitting in his easy chair, his Neko-jin Senshi surrounding him. The wind-god charged vacuum cleaner from "Mame Goddesses 2" is busily hoovering the rest of the set.]
The author Nightbreak: "Welcome to the Fic."
Neko-Haruka: =^.-= "Niyao!"
The author Nightbreak: "What Is The Fic?"
Neko-Michiru: =^.-= "Niyao!"
The author Nightbreak: "It is not Fic Impact."
Neko-Rei: =^.-= "Niyao!"
The author Nightbreak: "The Fic is not Out There."
Neko-Ami: =^.-= "Niyao!"
The author Nightbreak: "But The Fic is Coming. . . "
Neko-Minako: =^.-= "Niyao!"
The author Nightbreak: "Now the One Fic shall bind you."
Neko-Makoto: =^.-= "Niyao!"
[The wind-god possessed vacuum cleaner zooms under the table and inhales Neko-Setsuna's tail in a single gulp.]
Neko-Setsuna: =o.O= "ROWR!!!"
The author Nightbreak: >D "You've got Fanfic sign. Whatcha gonna do?"
[Cue Docufic 2, the second part!]
National Animegraphic presents...
AN ANIPIKE FRINGE DOCUFIC2: FIVE MINUTES FOR FICCING
Parte The Second: Eenie, Meenie, Mame-chan, Moe
CLUB ANIPIKE 1400 HOURS
Rubbing a hand over his face, Jotarou adjusted his cap and leaned on the bartop, ignoring the shenanigans on the monitor overhead. "Let me see if I've got this written down right. You want the pepper steak with sauteed mushrooms, seasoned potatoes, crusty bread, and red wine?"
Mokona nodded and bounded on his bar stool. "Puuuuu!"
"You sure you don't want any carrots with that?"
"Never mind." Turning around, Jotarou stuck the order form onto the kitchen wheel and sighed. "Oddest damn rabbit I've ever seen," he muttered.
A short distance away, a fierce competition raged between two of the most even tempered women in anime.
Umi Ryuuzaki waved her mallet under Akane Tendo's nose, chuckling. "Well, what do you know? Looks like I get to croquet your ball again. Hmmmm . . . the black one this time, too."
At their feet, P-chan uncurled a little, opening one startled eye. "Bweee?"
Umi: [swinging back her mallet!] "Fore!"
P-chan: O.o; [mommy!] Akane: O.o "P-chan!"
P-chan: [pigs CAN fly!] "BWEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee!"
The small black pig soared through the Club, only to end up jammed (or hammed) headfirst into Cutey Honey's cleavage.
As the blond heroine swore viciously and tried to wrestle the hambone free of her clinging chasm, the Magic Knight was nose to nose with Akane Tendo. "You just croqueted my little P-chan! All right, that's IT! No more Miss Nice Tendo!"
The youngest of the three sisters stormed over to the bar and wound herself up. "Just for that. Whack A Marshmallow!"
Mokona: ^-^ "Puuuu?"
Turbo Mallet 2000: *WHAM*
Jotaru turned back with the dinner plate, only to watch the marshmallow god fly through the air, get redirected by a ceiling fan, and crash-land through Wolfwood and Jiji's chess game.
Very gently, he leaned over the bar to stare at Akane. "He hadn't paid for this yet, you realize." he commented. "If he doesn't come back for it, it'll be docked from your pay."
Akane blinked. "Ummm. . . my hand slipped?"
"Not good enough."
As Jotaru moved down the bar to serve the Dirty Pair, a flurry of gunshots from the far table made Akane wince and shuffle away.
The loudspeaker squealed to life once again. "Would the cast of X: The Movie please report to the Studio and soundstage # 0 . . . 3 . . . 1 . . . 7. Please bring all corporeal weaponry for pre-fic polish, sharpening, and appraisal by Antiques Roadshow collectors. That is all."
FIC #6: CLASSIFIED PLACE: STUDIO ANIPIKE, STAGE #0317 TIME: 1420 HOURS COMMENTS: The Fic is rated X, for Xtremely screwed up.
The two agents were leaning back against the far wall, considering their surroundings over the rims of their sunglasses as they played their favourite game.
Mulder sipped on his Diet Coke. "Okay, how about them?" he murmured as a frantic Carrot Glaces tore past him and his partner.
Carrot: "Hide me! Hide me!" Chocolate & Tira Misu: [whip-happy ladies!] "Darling has been chasing Chinese Amazons again! Darling must be disciplined!"
Shampoo: [waving her bonbori] "Wait for Shampoo to give him Kiss of Death first!"
Scully considered. "Let's see.... disturbing the peace, assault & battery, uttering death threats . . . indecent exposure, definitely, in those two ladies' cases. My turn." She glanced around a bit. "Name the Crime for her."
[Cue Hysteria zooming by the soundstage in her Neko Tank-chan!]
Hysteria: [honking the Nekotank's horn] "Hey, get off the kawaii little street-chan! Nani? Your kawaii little Oka-san! Ultimate Driving Teacher my kawaii ass-chan!"
Mulder: ". . . . Oyyy. I'm not even going to begin adding all *that* up. The property damage alone isn't worth it."
Chaos: [hoisting megaphone!] "Right, then! Let's get this fic down on paper, everyone! Dragons on set?"
Dragons of Earth: "Hai!"
Dragons of Heaven: "Hai!"
Chaos: "FBI on set?"
Agents Mulder & Scully: "Unfortunately."
Chaos: "Insurance adjusters on set?"
Meryl Stryle: O.o [stuffing her face with her own donuts!] "Mmmmmmmph?"
Millie Thompson: ^^;; "Ma'am, are you sure that was a good idea?"
Chaos: "Enough waiting! My Fic is out here! Gimme gimme gimme!"
SCENES FROM X: THE MOVIE FILES. 1430 HOURS
Debris crunched under the tires as the rental pulled up to the scene, forcing the car to halt as the piles of bricks and glass made it impossible to move any closer.
FBI Agent Scully lifted her sunglasses up onto her forehead and sighed, cutting the engine. "Okay. Now *what* does the Japanese government want with us, Mulder? Last I checked, we don't investigate shoddy construction work."
Her partner chucked half a dozen peanuts into his mouth and stared thoughtfully out the windshield at the devastated buildings ahead of him as he chewed. "It's got nothing to do with that, Scully. From the looks of things, the government asked for help five years ago, after their own people were baffled."
She shrugged. "So it took five years to wind through all the red tape, Mulder. Nothing new."
He sat up, producing the file folder. "Actually, we've been authorized to come to Japan for four years, eleven months now. The request was processed and sent to us immediately."
Frowning deeply, she took it and flipped it open. "I never saw this before."
"Neither did I, but it was all nicely filed, just as if we'd taken a glance at it and put it away in the box."
Her interest somewhat piqued, Scully browsed the report. Apparently, this devastated building was the latest in the series of oddities that had spurred the Japanese request for help. Unexplained lightning displays, other damaged buildings, and sightings of people floating in mid-air were causing fits among some Council members. In California, she'd consider that a typical weekend getaway.
Mulder stretched as he got out of the car, leaning on the roof. "Some officials are thinking it's the End of the World."
She turned a few pages and shook her head. "Hardly seems like it, Mulder. Nothing here indicates that the planet's in any real danger."
He leaned down, looking back in. "Not our end of the world, Scully. One of *their* Ends of the World. And that's capital E, capital W. Keep reading." Standing again, Mulder moved off to step through the wreckage of the city block and see what he could see.
A few minutes later, Scully was standing beside him, looking up at what seemed to be the epicenter. "Earthquake?"
"Nope. According to some of the witnesses, the buildings just disintegrated in front of their eyes." Mulder motioned to some of the police and military personnel working around him. "They're looking, but they don't think they're going to find anyone, either. Bit odd, don't you think?"
Scully: [shrug!] "Maybe. And I read through the file, Mulder. How do collapsing buildings tie in with those myths they have?"
Mulder: [chewing more peanuts] "I don't know yet. But I'm fairly certain there's something larger at work here, Scully. Something that we don't understand."
Scully: "Like how we ended up being drafted into this fic in the first place?"
Mulder: "Yes, exactly how we ended up being drafted into this fic in the first place."
Director Chaos: "Well, I'm paying you a tremendous amount of money, and . . ." O.o "CUT!"
The unimpressed fanboy shot a glare at the snickering Dragons of Earth, who were gathered at the buffet table. "Tee hee. Very funny." Turning back to his beautiful set of bricks and mortar, he raised his megaphone again. "How about a little more effort and a little less sarcasm here, folks?!"
Sarcasm-hime: [hmph!] "Pardon me for scouting."
Chaos: --; "Go away, Keebler-chan."
Sarcasm-hime: [Dark Elf Mode!!!] "DON'T CALL ME KEEBLER-CHAN!"
Ye Olde Zanba Spatula: *WHAM*
Chaos: [flattened l'il director] "Action . . . and an aspirin."
Scully walked around the edges of destruction. "Odder still, why does all this debris fall in a star pattern? It's like something held it all in."
As she knelt down to examine some of the debris, Mulder turned around, looking across the city. It seemed quiet enough, though it seemed to be getting dark rather early as clouds rolled in. The setting sun cast a pale glow over the city, highlighting the birds as they flew.
Then he blinked and fought the urge to rub his eyes as a greenish beam shot up from the ground, appearing to pierce the dark clouds. As it hit the sky, it expanded, a giant cross forming against the heavens.
Mulder: "Umm, Scully?"
Scully: [frowning and digging a little deeper] "One sec, Mulder."
Unconsciously, he crushed the rest of his handful of peanuts as he watched the green barrier come down around the Tokyo train station, hiding it. "Scully . . . . " he stammered again, tapping her shoulder.
She wrinkled her nose and looked at the peanut butter now on her jacket. "I prefer the creamy kind, Mulder, not the chunky kind. You know that." With that, she turned her attention back to the evidence in front of her.
An unearthly roar made Mulder's head snap around. The barrier was disintegrating, melting away as, high above, two writhing energy dragons screamed and fought.
Then the Tokyo Station imploded in a crash of Mass Destruction.
Mulder: o.O "SCULLLLLLYYYYYY!!!!!"
She whipped around, drawing her gun. "What? What is..." Checking her aim, she stared at the dust cloud where the train station had been. "Boy, this city is really falling apart, Mulder." Blinking, she glanced around. "Mulder? Where'd you go?" Then she looked down. "What on earth are you doing down there?"
Mulder: [twitch twitch!] --; "Would you believe, checking for earthquakes?"
[This ficfeed has abruptly been terminated due to falling debris. *CLUNK* Please stand by.]
CLUB ANIPIKE 1450 HOURS
Umi Puma flicked her neko ears disdainfully as she turned away from the screens. "Hmmmph. Explosions were nice, but not enough gunfire for my taste." She scowled and snuggled back into her seat. "Wake me when it's my turn again," she yawned.
Anna prodded Gan-chan along the edge of the board. "Keep going, mousie. We haven't finished our turn yet."
Resigned to his fate, the white rat from the Oh! My Goddess SD series sighed and shuffled a couple more squares down the Mousetrap board. There was really no choice between being eaten by a pack of nekojin or standing in for the plastic mice they had already eaten.
Tin Nyanko deftly added the last piece to the mousetrap construction and looked over at Merle. "How's our mouse doing?"
[Cue Ebichu, the frantic hamster running around the board at high speed!]
Ebichu: "Emergency, dechu! Emergency, dechu! KYAAA!"
Merle: -.-; "Hasn't calmed down quite yet."
At a nearby table, Luna lifted a paw, watching the four girls intently. "Ready. . . go!"
Galaxy Fraulein Yuna squealed with glee as she jockeyed with a redheaded sorceress. "Move over, Lina! Your hippo's hogging all the marbles!"
On the other side of the board, both Usagi and Miaka glared at each other, slamming the levers as fast as they could, trying to rack up their score.
Artemis, wandering over from watching the Mousetrap game, leaned in beside his partner. "Hungry, Hungry Hippos? You convinced them to play that?"
Luna sighed heavily. "Winner gets food, loser gets the check."
"Mmmm-hmmmm. But you'd better tell Usagi not to order anything too large. They all have to be ready in a couple of hours. Can't have her falling asleep while in the middle of the fic."
The two cats watched the cast of Haunted Junction jog past into the Studio, chased by Hysteria with a megaphone.
Hysteria-chan: "We start at kawaii little soundstage one hundred and four-chan in five minutes!"
Artemis sweatdropped. "I don't even want to know what she's going to do in there. You?"
Luna shook her head. "Not thinking about it is the best thing for the sanity."
They turned their backs to the Studio, completely missing Hysteria's kawaii little hissy-fit moments later.
Hysteria: "Get your kawaii little ass-chan back here, Asahina, so Hysteria can kick-chan it!"
Asahina: [carting Suoh over her head!] "Bidaaaaaaa! I deserve little boys in short shorts more than you do! I'm sexier, I'm older, and I don't like frilly aprons!"
Hysteria: "Waaaah! Now who's kawaii little Hysteria-chan going to use for the priestess-chan in her kawaii little fic-chan?"
As Hysteria looked around at the crowded booths, Shamanic Princess Tiara lifted her head in alarm. "Run for your lives, girls!" The priestesses and magical girls all bolted to avoid being dragged into her fic, trampling Ryouga in the process.
As the dust settled, Hysteria continued gazing at the characters still left. "Like Hysteria-chan was saying, WHO am I going to use for my kawaii little fic-chan?"
Nakago: [Uh-oh!] "Better safe than sorry, guys!"
Ryouga: O.o [Not again!] "OWOWOWOWOOOHH!"
Hysteria hopped kawaiily over to the rather thoroughly flattened Lost Boy and snagged his ankle, dragging him into the Studio. "Perfect! Let's get you off to kawaii little wardrobe-chan!"
Leaving deep finger gouges in the wooden floor, Ryouga's superstrength was no match for the uber-kawaii terror's persistence. "TASUKETE!!!!"
Over at their table, safely in a dark corner, the Ranma women raised their glasses briefly in Ryouga's direction. "Better you than us, Ryouga," the little old washer woman murmured, "Better you than us." She sipped her drink and gazed up at the television screen.
Back to Fanfics