Goddesses, fanboys and nekkid senshi!
Pesti: o_O "Oh my."
Mayhem: "Now if that doesn't catch the readers' attention, I don't know what will!"
Chaos: "That's the last time I let you pick the introduction's caption, Mayhem. Ecchi."
Mayhem: [shrug!] "Better me than Havoc's 'hentai happens' idea."
Havoc: "Hey, what about it? That was a fanfic masterpiece!"
Chaos: [aside to Mayhem] "A piece of what, though?"
Pesti: "Are you really sure this is a good idea, you guys? Or do I have to remind you of what happened in F3! when those same kind of nekkid flashes occurred."
Mayhem: "Hey, it's essential to the plot of F5! so we have to do it. Besides we've gotten fan letters from people wanting more nekkid Senshi flashes."
Havoc: "Why not just go to the 'A Sailor Moon Romance' hentai site?"
Chaos: "Havoc, you alone gave that website an extra twenty-thousand hits."
Mayhem: "Hits on the website, or hits from all the fanfics he raced into and stole panties from?"
Havoc: "Ha! Those writers had nothing on my Fanboys Hentai Special! My Havocfics rule the Anime world! I still blew them all out of the sacred water, even you, Chaos!"
Pesti: "Chaos?! You wrote a hentaific?"
Chaos: "Weeeeell...kinda. I decided to try my hand at a self-indulgent, semi-hentai fanfic based on my Mako-chan. And it's actually based on two characters the seiyuu did the voice for."
Pesti: "YOU WHAT?!"
Mayhem: "Oh, this I've got to hear. What's it's called?"
Chaos: "Mako Kamen."
[Cue the enraged, SD Pesti-chan pulling out the pan-dimensional mallet of mass destruction, hoisting it over his head!]
Pesti: "SHIN'NE, CHAOS!!!"
Mayhem: "The next few moments of this intro. are going to be rather unpleasant for you, Chaos."
Chaos: "Don't I get a last request?"
Pesti: "Like what?"
Chaos: "Um...could you give me the mallet?"
Pesti: "SHIN'NE, CHAOS!!!"
[Numerous thrashings later....]
Havoc: "Wow, you really smited him hard. Look at how much he twitches when I poke him with my foot!"
Pesti: "Incidentally, can I read your Mako Kamen?"
Mayhem: [eye roll!] "Yare yare. This intro's gone on long enough. Cue the fanfic!"
CURSE OF THE FANBOYS 5: THOSE WHO HUNT FANBOYS!!!!
Part I: Do Fanboys Dream of Electric Mecha?
[Cue Weird Al's "The White Stuff" music!]
Chaos: "Oh oh wo-o-oh! Oh To-ke-yo! What's in the middle? (echo: middle?) Um...the Tokyo Tower?"
Pesti: "Chaos, you idiot! That doesn't rhyme!"
Mayhem: "Well there goes that intro. bit...not that I'm mourning it's passing in the slightest."
Anarchy: "You can tell the fanfic's bound for disaster when it starts off with something as lame as that. Now this, on the other hand, is a kick-ass intro theme music bit: cue the 1812 Overture!"
[Chaos screams and runs as cows fall from the sky and try to smite him, all in time with the 1812 Overture's cannon soundings.]
Chaos: "KYAAAAAA!!! TASUKETEEEE!!!!!"
And all that mass destruction of what could have otherwise been a half normal Sailor Moon fanfic series can mean only one thing. Yep, you guessed it, hokey smoke, watch the author try to pull a cabbit out of his hat and fail miserably because Rampage ate them all, it's F5!, the fifth instalment of the Fanboys! series.
Well, this time, to celebrate our fifth Fanboys! fanfic adventure we're pulling out all the stops in the kick-ass introduction to end all kick-ass introductions: a cooking class. Okay, so we blew the budget on all the special effects for Dark Schnieder's transformation and subsequent usage of his Halloween attack in F4!, but we can still have a fairly good fanfic none the less.
[Ahem!] Anyhoo, let us journey into apartment 206 somewhere in Tokyo City, where Chaos & Pesti-chan's beloved queen goddess Senshi above all was hosting a cooking class.
[Cue the goddess queen above all: Kino Makoto!]
"Can I put my cookies in now?" Usagi asked, excitedly hopping up and down with her tray of cookies.
Makoto smiled, a little embarrassed with Usagi's enthusiasm. "Hai hai. Just give it a few more minutes for the oven to reach temperature."
"Usagi is baking," Chaos sighed, shaking his head. "No good can come of this, Mayhem."
Mayhem glanced down at Chaos' newest cuisine creation. "You're one to talk. Since when does a recipe for chocolate cake include soy sauce and garlic powder?"
Rei made a face as she stirred her cookie batter. "Gross! That sounds like you're making stir fry, not a cake!"
"Na ni?!" Chaos exclaimed, grabbing the soy sauce bottle. "I thought this was the vanilla extract!" He reached for the box of salt. "What the?! I thought this was the sugar!"
A stunned Minako shook her head, popping another handful of the already endangered species of chocolate chips in her mouth. "It's like they say: soup broth will never come out of a white apron and spoil your date!"
[Cue the sweatdrops!]
"That's 'too many cooks spoil the broth'," Mayhem corrected with a sigh. He glanced over at Chaos, who was now desperately trying to get more flour out from its container.
"Why won't it come out?" Chaos exclaimed, sticking the open end up to his eye for a better look as he repeatedly smacked the bottom end.
Mayhem handed the other Senshi umbrellas. "Here. You'll want these." Seconds later Chaos was engulfed and lost in a white blizzard of flour. Mayhem rolled his eyes, setting aside his now white umbrella. "It's like having Akane Tendo catering for us."
"A little hint when it comes to ingredients, Duo," Mako-chan offered. "When a recipe calls for three eggs, it does not mean using three Cadbury Cream Eggs."
Chaos sighed, hanging his head and thus banging it against his reoccurring sweatdrop. "[Sigh!] If Anarchy was here right now she'd just laugh at me."
"So where is your little sister anyways?" Minako asked. "I was hoping to play with Rampage-chan today!"
"Oh, I think she and Tasuki are now roommates with some girl named Kanoe at Tokyo City Hall," Rei answered. "At least, that's what I've heard."
Chaos and Mayhem exchanged nervous glances. "Remind me to warn 'Kamui' about that," Mayhem said. He glanced down at Minako, who was liberating more chocolate chip cookies from their bowl. "Um, I would like to use those too."
He abruptly went all bug-eyed as he felt someone slip their arms beneath his. A now not-so-shy Ami began helping Mayhem knead and roll some of the cookie dough...with her breasts pressed rather closely against his back.
"Um, A-A-A-Ami-chan," Mayhem stammered nervously, aware of his chromosome starting to awaken. He broke into a sweat, his long hair suddenly going frizzy.
Ami-chan smiled coyly and took his cookie dough-covered finger in her hand. "Hai," she asked, gently sucking off the dough.
[Fanboy's Note: yes, all you Ami-chan fans out there, I can hear both your cheers...and screams. Ha ha! You're all at my fanfic's mercy!]
Well once again Mayhem's faulty dating chromosome kicked into high-gear resulting in Mayhem turning into the Combustible Campus Fanboy, spontaneously combusting into a little charred figure of himself. He also managed to instantly bake the cookies on the counter that were awaiting their turn in the oven.
"Oops," Ami said, blinking in surprise as she brushed some ash and soot from a wide-eyed Mayhem. "Gomen ne."
"No problem," squeaked the tiny, falsetto voice of his burnt toast-ship Mayhem.
Rei shook her head. "Whatever are we going to do with you, Ami-chan?"
"Hai!" Usagi exclaimed. "We could all go our for chocolate patties and milkshakes after this!"
"Do you ever stop eating?" Mayhem asked.
A kawaii & innocent Usagi-chan shook her head.
"Why am I not surprised?" Rei sighed.
"Ah!" Chaos sighed, resting his head dreamily on Makoto's shoulder. "Isn't this great, Mako-chan? Isn't cooking such a romantic thing for the two of us to be doing?"
"I thought you wanted me to help you with baking a cake," she said suspiciously.
Chaos sported his innocent kitty ears and tail. "Hai! And as you can see, thanks to your flawless teaching, my undoubtedly perfect cake is being baked to perfection in your oven as we speak!"
"You mean the one that's on fire?" Minako asked, peering in through the class.
An SD Chaos immediately freaked and wound up with his face in the bowl of frosting. A more calmer Rei grabbed the extinguisher while Minako tried to salvage some of the frosting for herself. Well not ten minutes later, the moment of truth had arrived for the girls and Mayhem, who had all been baking cookies. As luck would have it, Chaos was able to pull out his slightly flambeed cake for a taste test.
Usagi's eyes welled up with tears as she surveyed her usual masterpiece. "Wah! My cookies are all black!"
"Sugoi," Minako said, tapping a cookie against the counter. "They're rock hard!"
"Baka Usagi-chan," Rei sighed. "Just how long were they in there for?"
Usagi went all teary & Bambi-eyed. "I was suppose to take them out fifteen minutes ago."
[Cue the facevaults!]
Luckily for Chaos, he wound up facevaulting right into his cake. The cake rejected him immediately. Chaos' eyes bugged out. "My cake is...moving...by its own will...um, is anyone else worried about this?"
Well, Chaos valiantly tried to smite the living dead cake with a rolling pin, only to have the cake seize the rolling pin and proceed to thump him numerous times. Chaos in turn seized a rolling pin of his own and challenged the burbling pastry to a duel.
The cake won.
With a beleaguered sigh, Makoto decided to call it a day for the cooking classes. As everyone was cleaning up, Minako happened to remark, "Ne, where's Kamui today? It's not like him to miss this sort of invitation over to Mako-chan's."
Mako-chan blushed slightly.
Chaos snickered. "Oh, he's gone for the day. Something about synchro-training in NERV's Geofront."
Mayhem paused. "Did you even tell him about this, Chaos."
"Um...," Chaos said, now sporting innocent kitty ears.
"I'll take that as a 'No'," Rei sighed.
Chaos smiled and hugged a stunned and unimpressed Makoto. "That means it's just the two of us, Mako-chan!"
Suddenly the entire ceiling to her apartment was torn off by an enormous, armour-plated humanoid hand. Chaos did what came naturally and tried to become one with the wall. Unfortunately he actually tried to become one with Mako-chan, the momentum flinging both of them back into the couch with Chaos on top of Makoto.
A li'l SD Chaos' eyes bugged out as a shadow fell over the room, and two glowing yellow eyes narrowed. And there glaring down at his cowering lordship Chaos was a recently borrowed EVA 01. Pesti-chan's voice boomed over the loudspeakers:
"WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY MAKO-CHAN?!?!?!"
* * *
Well, two hours and two large construction bills (paid for by an unimpressed NERV) later, the Fanboys were just finished escorting the other Senshi to their respective houses at the behest of the fair Mako-chan.
"I daresay, Pesti-chan, bad form," Chaos remarked, nursing the numerous overly-swollen bruises on his head. "You just completely ruined the rest of a peaceful Sunday afternoon I could have spent with my Mako-chan."
"*YOUR* MAKO-CHAN?!?!" an oversized, demonic head of the little underlord-in-training bellowed, blowing Chaos up the stairs and into the torii of Rei's temple shrine.
Rei was plagued with another sweatdrop. "Do they ever stop?"
"Doubt it," Mayhem replied simply. "Chaos alone is a perpetual motion machine of Super Deformity. On the other hand, for all his innocence to the insanity, Pesti-chan doesn't help much either."
Pesti-chan looked up from his duel with Chaos. "What?"
"An opening!" Chaos exclaimed, flinging a cow at Pesti-chan. However Pesti-chan deflected the cow with his cabbage on a stick, the cow soaring into another part of the city.
A few seconds and numerous city blocks later, a young Tibetan Triclops girl was heard to exclaim: "Wah! Another falling cow! Yakumo, say something to Pai!"
"Ohayo, Yuichiro-san!" Pesti-chan said, walking beneath the torii and waving to the hapless assistant.
Yuichiro waved back.
"He seems to have forgiven us for that Vemon incident with Dark Schnieder," Mayhem remarked.
"Well, he did have to clean up the mess you left when you blew me through five different rooms of that particular building," Chaos replied. "And I just want to note that I haven't forgiven you yet."
"But that wasn't even me!" Mayhem protested. "That was the demon sorcerer sealed inside of me!"
"Um, Yuichiro was waving to me," Rei cut in.
Mayhem & Chaos promptly facevaulted.
"Ara, I guess we might as well call this a day," Chaos sighed. "It would have gone on longer had a certain Zoantroping fanboy not ripped off the ceiling to Mako-chan's apartment."
Pesti-chan retorted by sticking out his tongue at Chaos.
"So now what are you guys planning?" Rei inquired.
"How about a rousing game of 'Spank the Senshi'?" Havoc exclaimed, popping up next to Rei. A wooden rice spoon in hand, Havoc neatly patted her butt.
Rei shrieked and immediately punted him right over the temple's torii.
"Touchdown!" Mayhem exclaimed.
"I was wondering when he'd finally show up in this fanfic," Pesti-chan said. "It's been about five pages so far without him popping up."
"Not that it's a bad thing," Rei growled. With a final, lamenting sigh she waved to the fanboys and retreated into one of the buildings.
"Ja na!" our three fanboys chorused. And so they began the long walk home.
"Strange," Chaos remarked, stretching out his arms as they walked. "I couldn't help but feel like our cooking session with Mako-chan and the other Senshi was right out of the Sailor Moon Super S movie."
"I've been meaning to ask you about that," Pesti-chan added, pulling out his Hitoshi Doi coles notes. "According to this, Super S features Chibiusa and the Pegasus horse. What I have to ask is: when in any of the past fanfics have we seen either of them?"
"The question is: do we even *want* to see them?" Chaos corrected.
"Pegasus isn't bad," Mayhem remarked. "After all, he turns out to be Helios. Chibiusa on the other hand is someone I can live without. I mean, does the word 'incest' just not hold any meaning to her?"
Pesti-chan sighed. "So, any explanation as to why we seem to be in the Super S season and yet the only thing we seem to have resembling that season are the villains?"
Chaos shrugged. "Ask the author."
[Fanboys Note: I would tell you, but that would be a spoiler! Ha ha! You're still at my fanfic's mercy!]
Chaos sighed. "You know, I feel so thrilled with today that I think I'm going to head back to the apartment and finish up my latest fanfic creation!"
"Another Chaosfic?" Pesti-chan asked.
"Unfortunately, yes," Mayhem replied. "So tell us what monstrosity have you written this time."
Chaos smiled. "City Hunter Yohko."
"Did someone say 'Mokkoti'?" Havoc exclaimed, crash landing atop Chaos' head as he brandished his latest addition to the ever-growing Anime babe panty collection.
"SHIN'NE!!!" Chaos exclaimed, dragging out a 100 tonne wooden Anime mallet o' Mass Destruction and driving Havoc out into the middle of the city.
"I can't believe he's even a lord of Mass Destruction," Chaos panted. "I swear I'll write him in as a character for my next fanfic and then viciously slaughter him."
"Dare I tempt fate and ask what your latest fanfic is?" Pesti-chan inquired.
Mayhem & Pesti-chan immediately facevaulted. "I swear you Chaosfics seem to get worse with each one you write," Mayhem sighed, picking himself off the ground.
Chaos shrugged. "Hey, at least I'm trying to be creative here. Don't mock me until you've at least tried it...and what the hell is that?"
Chaos, Pesti-chan and Mayhem glanced down at the strange little critter skittering across their feet. It resembled a rabbit with a dumb grin on its face and eight spider-like legs.
"You tell me," Pesti-chan said, taking a step forward and booting the creature into a nearby lightpost. "I only work here in this fanfic."
* * *
Well, skipping on useless travel time, (omitting the little incident involving our three fanboys, a Genom Boomer gone beserk, the Knight Sabres and a skyscraper that went the way of a Die Hard movie) let us quickly pan to the apartment of the fanboys!
"Ah!" Chaos sighed, flopping down on the living room couch. "Home, peaceful home! When the day has been utterly and completely hectic and demented it's always nice to come back to a place where it's all quiet."
Suddenly a figure in black crashed through the balcony windows, her form flickering in and out of existence like a Ghost In The Shell camouflage suit. Chaos screamed as he was nearly blasted apart with bullets, instantly clinging to the ceiling.
The assailant disconnected herself from the repelling cord and removed her mask. "Damn, what an entrance!" Anarchy exclaimed, shaking out her hair. "I love this Lady of Mass Destruction job! I love it!"
Pesti-chan glanced up at the ceiling. "Ne, Chaos, are you actually going to come down from there or what?"
"Brawk brawk Bregawk!" Chaos clucked.
"Not the Chicken Fist again," Mayhem sighed, heading over to the fridge. "Well, since you're here do you want a Hard Lemonade, Anarchy?"
"Of course," Anarchy replied, catching to bottle that Mayhem tossed.
Chaos managed to snap out of his chicken phase as he heard the tops of the bottles popping off. Unfortunately he proved the theory that fanboys who think they're chickens still can't fly. He was offered a lemonade for himself once Mayhem peeled him off the floor.
"Oh, by the way," Anarchy added, pulling out some envelopes. "I raided your mailbox again today. You've got two death threats from Sailor Moon fans, a request for Chaos not to show up at next year's Magical Girl Beauty Pageant--"
"Hey!" Chaos protested. "Blame Dark Schnieder! He's the one who blew up the auditorium!"
"And then there was this curious thing," Anarchy added, handing a small postcard to Mayhem.
"What is it?" Pesti-chan asked, sipping his Hard Lemonade. "Not some fanboy wanna-be copycat with an 'I know what you did last fanfic' threat, I hope."
Chaos examined the mail. "Hey! It's a postcard from Desolation! Look at the Street Fighter II V he's managed to get himself into."
Mayhem winced. "That drop-kick looks like it really hurt him."
Mayhem: "Desolation's another Fanboy like the rest of us."
Pesti: "Why haven't I heard of him before? And his name isn't really a title of Mass Destruction either."
Chaos: "Well, Desolation is unique. He got his title because of his Anime disorder."
Mayhem: "Suffice to say, in the HentaiCon 98 tentacle disaster, Desolation was caught by accident in the explosion and got blasted into this realm along with Havoc."
Pesti: "He was accidentally at HentaiCon 98?"
Anarchy: "Do tell."
Chaos: "Desolation is a fanboy who by location could never get enough Anime to satisfy his appetite. While visiting he stumbled into the Con, and even though it was hentai he was willing to watch it since it was Anime."
Anarchy: "And now we've got another idiot running around in these fanfics."
Mayhem: "More than you know. This is the fifth postcard from Desolation since we found ourselves here in Anime Tokyo. He's got Ryoga Hibiki's sense of direction."
Pesti: "He wanders aimlessly through Japan?"
Chaos: "Even worse for Desolation. He wanders aimlessly throughout Anime series. Case in point with this postcard: 'Dear Chaos. Missed the battle with M. Bison and Ryu again. Tried to get a date with this Chun Lie babe until she flung me into a tree. It hurt. A lot. Desolation.'"
Anarchy: "Should we be pitying him right now or what?"
Mayhem: [shrug!] "Maybe. This was dated a month ago so he's probably recovered."
Chaos: "Wait, there's more: 'PS: Where the hell am I now?!?!?!'."
Pesti: "Were all those exclamation marks absolutely necessary?"
Mayhem: "It's what he had written, at least."
"Well," Chaos said, slipping out of the rapid dialogue mode before he got dizzy. "I for one just wonder if he'll ever show up. So far we've tracked him in Gundam X, Fushigi Yuugi, Inu Yasha, Battle Angel Alita and Key the Metal Idol."
Pesti-chan whistled. "I'm impressed. He's witnessed all of those Animes firsthand?"
"More or less," Mayhem replied. "The problem is that Desolation always seems to wind up coming in just as the Anime has come to an end and just misses the whole spectacle. He's never been on time to an Anime in his life."
"Sad disorder," Pesti-chan sighed.
Mayhem shrugged. "Not as bad as some Sailor Dragqueens I know."
"Hush, Newt-boy!" Chaos shouted, lobbing a bucket of cold water at Mayhem.
Mayhem went all bug-eyed as he was instantly drenched. And then it was everybody else's turn to recoil with big eyes. Mayhem blinked in surprise, running his fingers through his soaked hair.
"What the hell?!" an SD Chaos exclaimed, dancing around Mayhem.
Mayhem promptly booted Chaos into the kitchen. "Na ni?" he asked, looking at his now thoroughly drenched self.
"You didn't transform into a Jusenkyo newt," Pesti-chan said. "You didn't by chance order any of that Jusenkyo-be-gone soap, did you?"
Mayhem shook his head. "No, I didn't. And that's was suddenly frightens me."
* * *
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