So, what could have been this mysterious non-transformation Lord Mayhem went through? Was this the lead-in to the plot wrinkle of Fanboys! 5? Was the author just not getting enough sleep and not paying attention?
But let's not get ahead of ourselves, ne?
It was the next morning, and our three fanboys had just entered Jyuban High's courtyard on time for the first time in their little fanboy lives.
"I can't believe we beat the bell," Chaos yawned, stretching out his arms.
"That's because I was the one to set the alarm in my room," Pesti-chan said. "Rampage doesn't eat my alarm clocks."
"Did you have to wake me up though?" Mayhem sighed. "I was having a beautiful dream with Ami-chan, one where I was her handsome prince in the future Crystal Tokyo. We came closer together, and just as we were about to kiss--"
"You spontaneously combusted again, didn't you?"
Mayhem nodded. "Unfortunately yes. Even in my dreams I'm cursed."
Chaos laughed. "Damn, that faulty dating chromosome is still activated whether or not she wants you, Mayhem. You are one poor, sorry fanboy."
Suddenly two large shadows fell upon our hapless fanboy trio. There looming over Chaos, Mayhem and Pesti-chan was one buffed guy in leather, and one vamp girl who looked like a graduate from Red Queen Haruka's Finishing School for Young Dominatrixes. Each one came with eyemasks, leather, whips, chains and other such unpleasant accessories.
"I'm 'Hellspawn' Yoshino, president of the S&M Amateurs Club!" the guy proclaimed.
"And I'm the vice president--'Red-Haired Devil' Nakano!" the girl added, brandishing her small whip.
Naturally, Chaos, Mayhem and Pesti-chan all freaked.
"KYAAAAAA!!!! TASKETEEEEEE!!"
A few seconds later they realised they were all hugging each other and then immediately broke apart and tried to act nonchalant. Anyhoo, getting back to the whip-happy couple:
"Wait a minute!" a terrified, SD Chaos squeaked. "I'm not Keichi Morisato! He's the one you want, not me!"
Suddenly who should appear by dropping in from the sky with his latest loot of stolen panties but lord Havoc.
"Hentenno-sama!" the two S&M club presidents chorused, bowing down before him.
Havoc let out a cackle, hoisting up a bra. "Behold! The metal bikini-bra top of Naga!"
"Ah!" Hellspawn Yoshina and Red-Haired Devil Nakano exclaimed, kneeling before the bra as if Havoc had discovered Excalibur.
Chaos' eyebrow developed a sudden nasty twitch.
Mayhem shook his head. "Even though Hentopia is lost, the legacy lives on."
"I *still* can't believe Havoc managed to get permission to form a High School Amateur S&M after school club!" Chaos muttered.
"Considering who our principal is," Pesti-chan said. "that's not too hard to believe. She is that succubus S&M principal from Devil Hunter Yohko, ne?"
"By the way," Chaos asked. "Anyone seen Osamu around?"
"Shimatta!" a frustrated Havoc exclaimed, landing atop Chaos' head.
"DO YOU MIND?!" Chaos' oversized SD head exclaimed.
"What's wrong now, Havoc?" Mayhem inquired. "Tried to steal Yawara's panties and got a Judo slam right into the pavement?"
"No," Havoc grumbled. "But the nerve of some girls! You know those Knight Sabres wear nothing underneath those hardsuits? I couldn't steal a thing from any of them!!"
[Cue the facevaults!]
"You really are the pervert to end all fanboy perverts," Pesti-chan lamented.
"Hai hai," Chaos sighed.
Another rabbit-spider thingy crawled past them, shuffling its way into the school.
"Methinks we're starting to get a bit of an infestation of those things," Mayhem remarked, flicking aside that pesky sweatdrop next to his head.
Suddenly the school bell sounded.
[Cue the Fanboys SD mode!]
All: "SHIMATTA!! WE'RE LATE FOR CLASS AGAIN!!"
Havoc: "Yes! Another chance to visit the principal's office!"
Chaos: "Are they still working on a name for your disorder, Havoc?"

* * *

The morning went surprisingly without incident, and then came the lunch hour when everyone could sit back and relax for a little while before the hell of the one thousand essays began again--in in Chaos' case, the hell of Rampage eating all your homework.
"Whew! That was a hectic morning," Pesti-chan said, fishing for a riceball with his chopsticks. "I never thought it would end."
"Ne, where is Ami-chan today?" Mayhem remarked, looking around the classroom. "I don't see her anywhere, and since we were late we ever had a chance to ask anyone."
"I'll ask," Pesti-chan offered, leaning over to Usagi. "Ne, do you know where Ami-chan happens to be today? It's not like her to miss school, even when she is sick."
Usagi gave him a curious expression. "Who?"
Mayhem's eyes bugged out in terror.
"Mizuno Ami," Chaos said, more confused than Usagi. "You know, Sailor Mercury, the kawaii genius girl with short blue hair who now has the hots for a spontaneously combusting Mayhem."
Usagi shook her head. "I don't know an Ami, Duo. Are you sure you have her name right?"
Chaos and Pesti-chan exchanged nervous glances, and then glanced back at a now panicking lord Mayhem.
"This isn't funny," Pesti-chan said.
Mayhem in desperation turned to Makoto. "Have you seen my Ami-chan?! She's kawaii, about this high and I spontaneously combust whenever she gets close to me!"
"Who's Ami?" Makoto asked, all confused and trying to fend off the frantic fanboy. She glanced over at Usagi. "Usually it's Duo who's like this."
Mayhem let her go, sniffling in SD mode as the kana for "tasukete!!" fell from the sky and boinked him on the head. "C-c-cruel," he whimpered.
Suddenly the classroom door was slammed open. Anarchy, all clad in her own sailor fuku uniform, stormed right up to Chaos and then waved some...thing in front of his face.
"Chaos, would you mind explaining to me what the hell this *thing* is doing on my desk?!"
Chaos' eyes bugged out the instant he saw it to be another rabbit-spider creature. "Hey, those things have been showing up all over Tokyo! It's not my fault!"
"Don't smite it, Anarchy," Pesti-chan said. "Something really screwy's going on with our Fanboys! fanfic and I think those things have something to do with it."
"CHU CHU!"
And with that, a kawaii little Rampage-chan bounded over and devoured the rabbit-spider thingy in one gulp.
"Ohayo, Carrot-chan!" came the voice of Ami-chan.
Chaos instantly went into SD mode, recoiling and excitedly pointing at Ami. Yes indeed, the kawaii genius and love of lord Mayhem was back in her desk, eating a sandwich and reading a book.
"Na ni?!" he exclaimed. "Ami-chan's back!" His eyes bugged out as he felt something soft in his palms. With a sincere smile he looked from Mako-chan's face to Mako-chan's breasts, which he was once again groping. "This is really going to hurt me."
An irate Makoto nodded. "Hai."
"Ami-chan was gone?" Usagi asked, glancing over at Ami despite the spectacle of Chaos being punched through the classroom ceiling.
Ami-chan shook her head. "Um, I've been here for the entire morning, Pesti-chan." She gave a coy smile to Mayhem. "Does Carrot-chan want to get some private tutoring after school?"
Needless to say, Mayhem spontaneously combusted, setting fire to Chaos' homework.
"Yep," Pesti-chan said, poking the smoulder remains of Mayhem. "She's back, alright."

* * *

Well lucky for them and lucky for us, nothing rather weird happened during the rest of school that day so we can just skip the usual boring plot exposition and it's accompanying in-flight movie joke. Declining to join the girls at the Crown Arcade for some snacks, Chaos, Mayhem, Pesti-chan and Anarchy met up with Tasuki at the fanboys' apartment in the hopes of solving this new fanfic mystery.
"This is getting weirder than usual--even for us," Mayhem said, rummaging through the fridge and pulling out an armful of Hard Lemonade bottles for the Fanboys! crew.
"I'll say," Pesti-chan agreed, leaning against the kitchen counter. "We could have figured out a bit of the mystery had Rampage here not digested the evidence."
Rampage smiled. "CHU CHU!"
Anarchy shrugged, chugging back her Hard Lemonade. "Hey, if you've seen that rabbit-spider creature before, then that simply means another one's bound to show up."
And then came a terrified shout from Tasuki in the living room. "Chaos is a ghost! He's haunting me! Somebody start chanting!!"
The rest of the gang raced back into the living room and presented with a frantic who Chaos was looking down at his hand, which was flickering out of existence.
"I'll put your spirit at rest!" a still terrified Tasuki exclaimed. "LEKKA SHIEN!!"
A stunned Chaos blinked and coughed out a kawaii cloud of smoke as he was barbecued. "Gee thanks, Tasuki."
Tasuki poked him. "Well I'll be damned. You're not a ghost after all!"
"I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT!!" Chaos' oversized balloon head exclaimed.
Tasuki brandished his halisen. "He's a demon now! Don't worry, I'll exorcise ya, Chaos! LEKKA SHIEN!!"
In a literal flash of deja vu, Chaos was torched. "I swear you are enjoying your pyromaniacal tendencies far too much," he said to Tasuki.
Tasuki grinned. "Hey! I'm just doin' what I can!"
"Chaos," Mayhem said, staking a step back. "That's not the only part of you disappearing. Look!"
Chaos glanced down to discover everything from the waist down was suddenly not there. "KYAAAA!! Now I can't wear my red high heeled shoes anymore!"
Pesti-chan's eyebrow twitched. "I find that single remark more frightening than him disappearing."
Anarchy shook her head. "Strange. I've dreamed of this day happening and yet now as I watch, the poor twerp's just so pathetic I can't help but want to rescue him."
"Probably because you're not the one who's making him disappear," Mayhem replied.
"What's going on here?" a li'l SD Chaos exclaimed, waving around his arms. "I'm melting! I'm melting!"
Pesti-chan spun around as he saw something move, pulling out his pan-dimensional mallet and pounding into the floor another one of those rabbit-spider thingies. The rabbit-spider thingy shrieked and went bug-eyed before disappearing in a ball of smoke. The instant it was smited Chaos returned to his abnormal super deformed state.
"I told you!" Pesti-chan panted. "That warped little creature is the source! Every time one of them appears, something in our fanfic screws up!"
"I'm alive!" Chaos cheered. "I'm aliiihiiiive!"
"The author having gremlin troubles?" Anarchy inquired, giving Chaos a quick smite through the wall just to make sure he was all there once more.
Mayhem knelt down to the scorch mark where the odd critter had last been before its untimely demise. "More than you know. I thought I had seen that thing before. It's a bug."
"Mayhem," Chaos said, pulling his head out from the newest hole in the apartment wall. "I hate point out a little flaw in your reasoning but isn't a bug a little winged insect not some cross-mutation of a spider and a rabbit?"
"I mean a computer programming bug," Mayhem said. "This is what a bug in the Yggdrasil system from the Oh My Goddess! series looks like."
"Yggdrasil?" Anarchy asked. "What the hell's that?"
"In the Oh My Goddess! series," Chaos explained. "Yggdrasil was the name of Belldandy's computer. It's power is what gave the goddesses their magic and wish-granting abilities."
Mayhem nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. "If these things start appearing then something is seriously flawed in our fanfic."
Pesti: "That might explain why barely anything in here has to do with the Super S season of Sailor Moon."
Anarchy: "Nah. It's just the author trying to cover his ass for screwing up in the very first fanfic."
"These things also seem to be multiplying at an exponential rate," Mayhem added. "At this rate flaws in our fanfic will grow to incredible loopholes."
"KYAAA!!! We could de-evolve into an Oscarfic!" Chaos exclaimed, grabbing the phone. "Quick! What's the number for 911?!"
An unamused Pesti-chan crossed his arms over his chest. "That was a pathetic attempt to get a cheap laugh, Chaos."
"DO YOU THINK THEIR 911 NUMBER IS THE SAME AS OUR 911?!?!" the looming head of an SD Chaos bellowed. He quickly dial a number...any number.
After a few moments of listening, Chaos tossed the phone. "Aw, shimatta!" he sighed. "I got some Goddess Technical Hotline instead."
And then abruptly coming out from the Sailor Senshi bikini airbrush poster on the wall was goddess 1st class, Belldandy. "Good evening!" she said courteously. "What is your desire?"
Chaos screamed and leaped into the arms of Pesti-chan. Pesti-chan promptly and unceremoniously dropped his overlord sensai onto the floor.
"B-B-Belldandy?!" Chaos stammered, pointing at the goddess.
Belldandy blinked in surprise, looking from one fanboy to the next as if she recognised them. "Oh? You guys again?"
"Sis!" came the kawaii voice of yet another goddess. Abruptly the kawaii li'l goddess 2nd class, Skuld, appeared through Tasuki's bottle of Hard Lemonade. Tasuki freaked.
"Warn me when you're gonna do something like that!" he exclaimed.
"Skuld?" Mayhem remarked. "What's Belldandy's little sister doing here?"
Chaos glanced down at another rabbit-spider "bug" crawling over his feet. "Well, Skuld's goddess classification does put her in charge of destroying these...things before they start to screw with the Yggdrasil wish-granting system."
"Got it!" Skuld exclaimed, pulling out her own little mallet o' Mass Destruction and smited the warped bug. She also managed to smite Chaos' foot in the process.
"Will you watch it with that?" Chaos said, nursing his poofy red toes. "I have enough hammer troubles with Pesti-chan and Anarchy around."
"Gomen!" Skuld said, adjusting her kawaii glasses.
"You dialled the Goddess Technical Hotline before," Belldandy explained. "and I granted your wish. Although I think most of you were pretty drunk at the time."
Mayhem nudged Chaos. "The otaku party we threw right before waking up here?"
"Weren't we trying to order pizza that night?" Pesti-chan asked.
Belldandy smiled at Pesti-chan. "You're still as cute as ever, I see. When I gave you the choice to make your wish come true, this young man over here--" She pointed to Chaos. "--drunkenly belted out how he wanted to be with Mako-chan in an...Anime world?"
"So that's how you three idiots managed to get here," Anarchy said. "And you just had to drag me here with it."
"Hey!" Tasuki protested.
Anarchy wrapped her arms around him. "At least there is a silver lining to this cloud." Seconds later she tried to pile drive Tasuki into the floor, but Tasuki slipped out from the move and tried to blast her with his halissen. Anarchy dodged the flames.
Once again, Chaos was not so fortunate.
"It's shameless the way we flirt, ne?" Anarchy chuckled, winking at Belldandy and Skuld. The two goddesses exchanged a nervous glance, sweatdrops appearing next to their heads.
Chaos excitedly bounced up and down, sporting his kitty ears and tail. "Ooh! Ooh! Grant my wish, please! I want a WMD, a Weapon of Mass Destruction! I wish for an all-mighty Mecha!"
Belldandy gave him a curious look and then suddenly stiffened as Chaos' granted wish was channelled through her. Moments later the shadow of a large mecha appeared outside the balcony sliding door.
Now Chaos was thinking of getting the Deathscythe Gundam. Yet with all wishes, you need to be just a liiiiittle more specific than that.
Chaos: "Hey! That's not a Gundam! That's Giant Robo! I got ripped off!"
Pesti: "You're the one who asked for any all-mighty Mecha. You never asked for Deathscythe, and now you've got something that wears a kilt."
Mayhem: [imitating a Scotsman] "Aye, ya gotta be a real mecha to wear a kilt!"
Pesti: "I think that's actually a skirt, now that I look at it."
Chaos: [also imitating a Scotsman] "It's a bonny mecha...but it's not Deathscythe!"
Anarchy glanced over at Skuld. "Mind if I borrow that mallet of yours for a moment?"
"Kowaii!" Mayhem and Chaos said, valiantly facing her from behind the safety of the couch.
"Could you grant us a wish of continuing to stay here?" Pesti-chan asked.
Belldandy shook her head. "Unfortunately all your strange activities have attracted a lot of bugs in our Yggdrasil system which has created a singularity. The bugs are forming a loop faster than Skuld or anyone else can debug them, and are starting to cause problems with your wish."
"You guys are just creating too many of them!" Skuld sniffed.
"CHU CHU!" Rampage happily squeaked, bounding into the apartment. Somewhere else in another Anime, Mylene's kawaii little Macross 7, tribble-like mascot Gubaba, mysterious went missing...'nuff said.
"Wah!" Skuld exclaimed, brandishing her mallet at Rampage. "It's a new form of virus!"
And with that she tried to use her hammer to smite Rampage. The carnivorous, SD Godzilla-thingy for a mascot won, happily chomping down the hammer.
"Na ni?" Skuld wondered, looking at the chewed end of her handle.
"That's our pet," Pesti-chan explained. "She's always like that. Say, maybe we could get Rampage here to eat all the bugs!" Rampage abruptly burped up a set of googly rabby-spider thingy eyeballs.
"Sugoi," a bug-eyed SD Pesti-chan remarked. "That was fast."
"This little creature of yours is what's keeping the bugs from having destroyed your wish already," Belldandy said. "But the bugs are multiplying faster than your Rampage-chan can eat them. And the loops these bugs are creating is unravelling your wish piece by piece. If this continues--"
Chaos: "No Mako-chan?"
Mayhem: "Yes, Chaos, there will be no Mako-chan."
Chaos: "KYAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
[Cue the freaked out SD Chaos dancing around the fanfic!]
"That's it!" Anarchy exclaimed, grappling hold of Tasuki. "If I have to go, I'm taking the pyro stud here with me!"
"Is there any way of debugging our wish?" Pesti-chan asked.
"You need a spell to wipe out this growing virus," Belldandy answered. "To us its a protection code to input into Yggdrasil. Unfortunately it's been broken into five different parts, each component scattered inside your wish."
"Hmmmm...now where could they be?" Chaos mused, sitting back on the couch. "If I was a magical computer bug, where would I hide part of a protection code?"
Mayhem darted over to their computer and powered it up. A few minutes of fast acting fingers later, the screen began cranking out data. "Luckily I managed to co-ordinate information using both the BEAST supercomputer and Yggdrasil itself," Mayhem replied. "I've been able to find a way to pinpoint that spell, potentially saving us."
"How?" Tasuki asked.
Skuld studied the screen along with Mayhem. "That special, five part incantation will not only re-stabalize your wish, but also allow you to remain here indefinitely."
"Well, where the hell is it?" Anarchy demanded.
Mayhem adjusted his glasses. "Um, according to the BEAST's analysis, each one is now a sort of tattoo on...what the? On five different girls?!"
"Those Who Hunt Elves," Chaos stated.
Pesti-chan gave Chaos a curious look. "Na ni?"
"It's a late-night hit Anime in Japan," Chaos answered. "We must be following a variation of their basic premise. In Those Who Hunt Elves, the only way for these intergalactic space travellers to get off Earth is for them to find five parts of a spell that will repair their crashed ship. And each part is tattooed somewhere on the body of five different Elves."
Pesti-chan's eyes bugged out. "But then that means the only way we can find the spells is to...?"
"Hai!" Havoc exclaimed, leaping out from behind the couch. "We have to strip those five girls buck naked to make sure they have or don't have the tattoos! Ha ha! At last a legitimate chance for my panty raids!"
Pesti-chan's eyebrow twitched. "That never stopped you before, Havoc."
"I don't believe this," Anarchy growled. "So who are they?"
"Hang on," Mayhem said, hitting the ENTER key. "Here comes the data input now, and...holy shit."
All the fanboys crowded around the computer and a large-eyed SD Mayhem.
All: "Sailor Senshi?!"
Chaos: "That means we have to somehow strip down every last Inner and Outer Senshi to see whether or not they have a part of the tattoo on their bodies. That's nine Senshi in total, not counting the Starlights or Chibiusa!"
Mayhem: "I can only pray the readers aren't looking forward to us stripping down Chibiusa."
Pesti: "I can't tell if this is a blessing or curse."
Anarchy: [sarcasm] "I doubt it's a curse to the readers."
Chaos: "What if the crazed killer who knows what we did last fanfic shows up? I mean, really shows up?"
Belldandy: "Why do I have this sudden feeling that we granted the wrong people the right wish?"
Skuld: [sigh!] "At least Urd's not here. Can you imagine what *she* would do?"
Mayhem: "That's not all. According to the data, we need a powerful summoner of magic in order to invoke the spell otherwise this mini-series will have been all for nothing."
Pesti: "But who do we know is incredibly powerful with magic to work with a spell this complicated?"
[Everyone, even Belldandy and Skuld, turn to Mayhem.]
Mayhem's eyebrow suddenly developed a very nervous twitch. "Oh kami-sama, not again," he groaned.
Chaos nodded. "Hai. Guess who's coming to dinner...."
[Cue the eyecatch!]

Part 2
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