Nothing in the past fanfics can prepare you for this...!

Havoc: "Ah, this is the life! Stealing the panties of our favourite Sailor Senshi, all for the hopes of us remaining here to entertain the readers."
Chaos: "Havoc, we're supposed to just strip them nekkid, not steal their panties!"
Havoc: [sulk!] "Oh, what's the fun in that? And I suppose now you'll want me to give Mako-chan back her kawaii green panties."
[Havoc pulls out a pair of kawaii green panties!]
Pesti: "Damn straight! You give Mako-chan back her--WHAT?!"
Chaos: [musing to himself] "Those aren't Mako-chan's panties. Hers are all blue."
Pesti: "AND JUST HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT, YOU PERVERT?!"
[Pesti-chan pulls out his mallet o' Mass Destruction! Natural smiting selection takes its course.]
Havoc: "Hotcha, my mistake! These are Captain Yurika's Nergal-logo panties. Gomen ne, Chaos!"
Chaos: "Havoc, I swear once I get out of my body cast I'm going to airmail you to Red Queen Haruka's palace without a return address."
Havoc: "Try to retaliate and I'll use my ultimate attack on you."
[An SD Mayhem & Chaos freak.]
Both: "Kowai!!!!"
Pesti: "Ne, what's his ultimate technique?"
Chaos: "Pray you don't ever find out Pesti-chan. Pray you don't ever find out!"
Pesti: "You've been saying the same thing about me seeing the F3 part III Anime."
Mayhem: "Why do I have this bad premonition we're all going to find out in this part of the F5! mini-series?"
Chaos: "KYAAAAAAAA!!!!! Pack your bags, Pesti-chan! We're moving to Acapulco for the rest of the fanfic!!"
Pesti: "Nekkid Senshi stripping, Havoc's ultimate attack...no good can come of this."
Rampage: ^-^ "CHU CHU!"
Chaos: "I AM NOT TAKING YOU WITH ME, RAMPAGE!! LEGGO OF MY ARM, YOU DAMNED SUPER DEFORMED VAMPIRE!!!!"
[Cue the fanfic!]

CURSE OF THE FANBOYS 5: THOSE WHO HUNT FANBOYS!!!!


Part III: Legend of the Ballistic Heroes

Mayhem: "So, this is the beginning of the fanfic."
Chaos: "Not very impressive, is it?"
Pesti: "Well, this is the first and hopefully last time something ever so demented is dragged out into a series. I hear the author's been reduced to a twitching demented and insanely cackling soul in front of his laptop."
Mayhem: "And that's different from the way he usually is, how?"
Chaos: "Hey, if we survived the F3! hotspring incident we'll make it through this...somehow. After all, when life gives you lemons, make Hard Lemonade!"
Anarchy: [sarcasm] "Thank you, Neo-Haruka! You just had to give him that glib little witticism, didn't you?"
Pesti: "Anarchy, you're back! And...and your sober too."
Anarchy: [groan!] "Sober, but not free of my hangover. And I had this nasty dream where I was at this exotic bathhouse and I was hanging offa Haruka like there was no tomorrow...and then a nekkid Chaos and Beans started flinging things across the water at each other. Damn, that was so freaky!!"
Pesti: o.O "Um...Mayhem, do you want to tell her or should I?"
Mayhem: "Excuse me, but do I look like someone who has a deathwish?"
Pesti: "Hai hai. We'll have Chaos tell her."
Chaos: "Hey! Are we going to go do 'That-Fanboy-Thing-You-Do' or what?!"
[Cue the actual storyline!]
The blazing sun was out, and paradoxically so were the full moons. Yes, just when you thought it was safe to wear panties again, here comes F5! the next insult--er, the third part. Let's face it: we just couldn't cram nine nekkid Senshi flashes into a 2-parter so we had to come up with this mini-series!
[Fanboy's Note: yes, your loud applause is dully noted. Ecchi!]
It was in the girls' changerooms of Jyuban High where it all began as Minako, Ami, Usagi and Makoto were all getting ready for another gym class. After the previous day's incident involving two gender-switching fanboys (who shall remain nameless at this time), and the mysterious disappearance of all Usagi's clothes, most of the girls were somewhat on edge.
"Ah!" Usagi exclaimed happily. "I have my shirt back!"
Mako-chan nodded. "Pesti-chan was kind enough to retrieve to for you."
"Aw, isn't he just so kawaii?" Minako teased, giving a playful wink at Makoto. "And if you weren't trying to hurt him half the time, he'd be all yours!"
Makoto blushed slightly at that. "Well...i-it's not that I li...like him or anything. I mean, between him and Duo...!"
"Mako-chan!" Usagi exclaimed. "You've got two cute guys wanting to date you! What's so bad about that?"
Mako-chan stammered in trying to find an answer in the middle of this interrogation. With each failed attempt to say something coherent her face turned a brighter shade of pink.
"You'll come around," Ami said with a smile and a playful wink. "Like Carrot-chan and I." Ami-chan giggled as the other Senshi were plagued with the obviously epidemic sweatdrop.
"Ami-chan," Minako sighed. "You've grown up waaay too fast."
Abruptly two girls raced into the changeroom, gasping for breath. "There's this pervert running around stealing all of the female student body's panties!" one exclaimed. "This blur came at us and nearly stole ours too!!"
The other girl nodded. "It's not just here at Jyuban either. I heard they're going to call an open forum and gather all the victims together in the hopes of finding a way to stop him."
Minako's eyebrow twitched, yesterday's mysterious all-nude draft returning to her memory. "A...panty thief?" she asked, glancing nervously around the changeroom and growing rather protective of said undergarments.
Another girl nodded. "I heard the police have no leads on him!"
Mako-chan glanced over at her sweatdrop as the image of a familiar self-proclaimed Hentenno-sama flashed (and regrettably flashed her) inside her mind. "If that pervert so much as comes near me, I swear I'll send him back to that depraved Red Queen."
Suddenly a frighteningly familiar draft swept through the changerooms, and Makoto whirled as she saw a blur of movement fling itself towards her. "Mako-chan!" Havoc exclaimed, leaping with open arms into her bosom. "Let me gaze upon your luxuriant and athletic body!"
Makoto gave a shout, delivering a vicious spin kick to Havoc's face. Havoc was flung sideways, crashing into a locker. The girls present barely had any time to recover and realise their panties were missing (yet again!) before a female Chaos stormed into the changerooms.
"What is it with you, Havoc?!" Chaos exclaimed, smacking Havoc silly with a herring. "Was their just too much chlorine in your gene pool the day you were born or what?!"
Chaos abruptly went bug-eyed as he realised his--er, her bra was suddenly missing. "Havoc, you shall pay for this, yes you shall. I'll let you get away for now with stealing my bra, but you are not going to touch Mako-chan! I forbid it!"
"Oh?" Havoc asked coyly, crossing his arms over his chest as he suddenly reappeared sitting atop the ceiling. "And, pray tell, just why is that?"
"Hey, get down from there!" a furious SD Chaos exclaimed, trying to leap into the air and drag Havoc back into the laws of gravity. However Chaos forgot that he was only 1/3 his normal size when super deformed, so he really just looked like a big idiot flailing about.
So what else is new?
"Give it up, Chaos," Havoc sighed. "If you like Mako-chan that much, just say so and I'll gladly let you be the first to see what her panties feel like!"
Chaos' eyebrow twitched, his face steaming and turning bright red as all the half-naked girls were suddenly very interested in what he had to say rather than being interested in how to hurt him. "H-hey, I may have a crush on Mako-chan!" he exclaimed, stretching out his hand behind him and pointing to his beloved queen goddess above all. "But that doesn't mean I try to molest her, Havoc!"
[Poke poke!]
A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' face. "Hmm, I've never heard that sound effect when I've pointed my finger at something before. So what am I touching? Whatever it is, it's surprisingly and wonderfully soft!"
[Poke poke poke!]
Chaos glanced back, and instantly reverted into the most innocent SD form he could possibly summon as he looked from his finger poking an exposed part of Mako-chan's breast, and then up to her rather demonic face.
"You two again...!" she snarled. "I knew Havoc was perverted, Duo, but I thought you actually had some shred of decency!!" Mako-chan drew back her fist, poised to deliver a potentially fatal smite.
Chaos batted his Bambi eyes at her. "Um...does this mean we're not going to be dating really soon?"
"SHIN'NE!!!!"

* * *

"Chaos' really late today!" Pesti-chan said, glancing down at his watch. "Where's he disappeared to this time?"
Mayhem shrugged, walking with Pesti-chan down the maze of school corridors. "He could be anywhere. We've never been able to clock his top speed when goes into SD mode."
Suddenly the door to the girls' changeroom exploded as the terrified and flailing form of his lordship Chaos careened across the hallway and crashed into a wall right in front of the other two fanboys.
"Ah," Mayhem remarked, pulling Chaos' head out from the wall. "What perfect timing! We were looking for you, Duo."
"It's no use talking to him," Pesti-chan sighed, taking hold of Chaos. "His eyes are big swirly lines, so he's now got the temporary intelligence of a yam."
"Yamheads? The vegetable or Chibiusa?"
Pesti-chan shrugged. "Either, or. I hate both."
[Fanboy's Note: the author is a proud supporter of the Anti-Yamhead campaign! No, incest is NOT best!!]
"Now now, my young underlord in training," Mayhem chided. "Hate is such an evil word. On the other hand 'strongly despise with a passion' gets the point across just as well."
"Ooooh! I like, I like!" Pesti-chan vehemently shook the swirls out of Chaos' eyes. "Ne, what room did he just get booted from anyways?"
Moments later Havoc was punted into the hallway, his fall nicely broken by Chaos' head. All the fanboys went into instant bug-eyed, SD mode as they were bombarded by a bunch of screaming, half-naked girls hurling at them benches, lockers and anything that wasn't bolted down. Numerous savage thrashings later found our heroes...if you would call them that...recovering atop the roof of the high school.
"And just what," a battered Chaos & Pesti-chan growled. "did you think you were doing in there with *my* Mako-chan?!"
"Well," Havoc said with his never-fail Chichiri smile despite his myriad of bandages. "We've got four Senshi left and two tattoos to find, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and see if darling Mako-chan had a tattoo."
Chaos and Pesti-chan looked uneasily at each other, forcing back the temptation to throttle Havoc with whatever they could get to fall from the sky for no apparent reason.
"So did you find a tattoo?" a perfectly healthy and intact Mayhem asked, brushing the slight bit o' dust off his jacket.
Havoc shook his head. "Nope. Never even had a chance to strip her down! However, she does have the softest silk panties I've ever come across!" And with that he produced a set of soft, silken set of blue Mako-chan panties. "Ta daaa!"
A large, demonic Pesti-chan hoisted a wooden hammer over his head. "SHIN'NE!!!!"
Moments later Jyuban High was the proud owner of putting another hentai successfully into orbit. Pesti-chan shook his head, tossing the mallet o' Mass Destruction back into its dimensional pocket. "Is it a psychosis or genetic disorder he's got?" he sighed.
"Wow," Chaos remarked, feeling the panties in his hand. "They really are soft."
Pesti-chan's eyes bugged out, the mallet appearing once again. "CHAOS!!!"

* * *

Well, to get the plot actually moving we must move right through the usual gratuitous smiting of his lordship Chaos, and if you want more details of the smiting we suggest you flip to any other page in the Fanboys! series. Odds are you'll find one without any problems. Anyhoo, school had finally come to an end and the late afternoon found Chaos, Mayhem, Pesti-chan and Havoc casually walking home from Jyuban.
"Strange," Chaos mused. "I don't know why, but something just felt incomplete today at school. What could it have been?"
"Well," Pesti-chan said, ticking a list off his fingers. "You groped Mako-chan, got smited, went Haley on the readers and made a complete baka of yourself. Hey, that's right! Rampage hasn't tried to eat you yet!"
"Our kawaii little, carnivorous SD Godzilla-thingy spent the day with Anarchy," Mayhem replied. "She's still trying to make amends with her hangover from last night. Daijobu, I'm sure both of them will arrive later on in the fanfic to antagonise you, Chaos."
"Oh goodie," Chaos dryly sulked.
The four fanboys came to an abrupt stop as a mysterious figure appeared before them. She was dressed in a sailor battle fuku and carried with her a long, key-shaped staff. Her long dark green hair was borderline being black.
Pesti-chan gawked. "Sailor...Pluto?! What are you doing here?"
Pluto gave an enigmatic smile. "And hello to you to, little Pestilence."
Chas gripped Mayhem's shoulder. "She knows our titles of Mass Destruction."
Mayhem rolled his eyes. "Well what did you expect, Chaos? She is the guardian of space and time, remember. She's probably seen all the demented things we haven't even done yet!"
"Saaaaay, that gives me an idea," Chaos said with a diabolical grin. And with that he strolled up to Sailor Pluto. "Ne, Setsuna," he asked. "Why don't you tell us how F5! ends? Rampage ate our only copy of the instant fanfic so we can't use it ever again. I mean, you're the guardian of time and all so can't you just peek and tell us if all our struggles are in vain?"
"Gomen," Setsuna said, shifting her stance. "The author and I made an agreement: he gives me more than a mere cameo role in the fanfic series, and I won't tell you the ending."
"Curse that author!" an SD Chaos hissed. "That cunning devil's always one step ahead of us!"
[Fanboy's Note: author takes the time to clean his trendy new pitchfork.]
"So what brings you here into our warped little world?" Mayhem inquired. "If you know about F5! then you know what we're doing with all the Sailor Senshi."
Setsuna nodded. "I'm here to save you and me a lot of embarrassment, smiting and nekkid flashes."
"Oh what's the fun in that?" Havoc sulked. "I'm sure numerous fans want to see you in the nude just like I do!"
Setsuna's eyebrow twitched. "I should have erased his childhood when I had the chance," she muttered. She turned to the other fanboys. "I'm one of the Senshi you seek. I have one of the five tattoos you need to remain here."
"And you're co-operating?" Chaos asked.
"My, she is tempting fate," Mayhem remarked.
Setsuna shook her head. "There are things to come in later Fanboys! fanfics that must be fulfilled. If you do not remain here then the threat we face will destroy us all."
"Sugoi!" Pesti-chan exclaimed. "Talk about your fanfic foreshadowing!"
"Ne, Setsuna-san?" Chaos piped up, handing Setsuna a manuscript of his latest Chaosfic. "Would you mind signing this, please?"
Pesti-chan peered at the title. "Na ni? 'Card Captor Setsuna'?!"
Setsuna's eyebrow gave a nervous twitch. "You crossed me with...that manga?"
"Uh-oh," Mayhem said, shaking his head. "Chaos, I hold you solely responsible for what comes next."
"Um...did I do something wrong?" Chaos asked, sprouting his kawaii kitty ears n' tail.
"I've...already read it," Setsuna said, trying to calm herself. "I read it three hundred years ago, Chaos, and for years I've feared this day." Setsuna twirled her Time Staff, levelling it with Chaos' head. "And now you've finally written it. In all my centuries have I never been so insulted by such an utterly hideous fanfic in my near-immortal life!"
"Evidently she hasn't seen an Oscarfic yet," Pesti-chan muttered to Mayhem. "Then again, would she even want to?"
Mayhem nodded. "Hai hai. Way to go, Chaos. Like she'll show us what her tattoo is now!"
"Are you saying this is *MY* fault?!" Chaos protested.
"Is it ever anyone else's?" Pesti-chan retorted.
The orb on the end of Setsuna's staff started to glow. "I've never indulged in altering time for my own personal benefits before," she stated.
"But...," Mayhem interjected, gesturing for her to continue.
"But I cannot allow such a horrid fanfic to ever appear on the Internet so long as I live." Suddenly Setsuna felt a rather cool draft blow up her skirt. Without even glancing around, she produced her time staff and pointed it behind her.
"Hotcha!' Havoc exclaimed, waving around Setsuna's panties. "I got Puu-chan's time-travelled panties! Ah, I can smell the centuries of--!"
Setsuna closed her eyes. "Dead Scream," she whispered.
Moments later Havoc was blasted through a nearby tree and into low orbit over Tokyo. Chaos' eyes bugged out. "Sugoi! She nailed Havoc even when he moved too fast for her to see which direction he bounded off to!"
"Well, she is the guardian of time," Mayhem replied. "If I were her I would have definitely wanted to see Havoc coming that time."
As Setsuna spun around, her skirt lifted in the winds to reveal a blur of a tattoo on her kawaii little Senshi butt. "Cameraman Dan, quick!" Pesti-chan exclaimed. "Zoom in!"
The zoom went right onto the tattoo...and then wound up catching an more than a mere eyeful of Setsuna's pantiless status. All three fanboys went into abrupt and instant SD mode, Pesti-chan blowing a nosebleed geyser.
Mayhem: [whistle!] "Colour me impressed!"
Chaos: "Mayhem, your colour's a bright blushing red."
Mayhem: "You are too."
Pesti: "S-s-sugoi...!"
Chaos: [squeak!] "No tan line whatsoever!"
[Fanboy's Note: ya think Setsuna also goes to Acapulco, Mexico on her vacations too? You never know! Oh, BTW: Ecchi!]
"What the hell?" Pesti-chan muttered. "The entire tattoo’s one big blur on the film! Try a freeze frame, Cameraman Dan."
The image was adjusted and pixelated accordingly.
"What is that, an 'I'?" Chaos asked. "Um...maybe its kana. Maybe 'yume' or 'jikan'...no--"
"No, I think it's 'suki'," Mayhem countered.
"It looks more like just a bunch of big squiggly lines to me," Pesti-chan said. "You'd think that with such a toned rear end as hers this would be easy!"
"Pesti-chan," Mayhem replied evenly. "That's not her tattoo you're looking at."
The underlord in training went into massive bug-eyed mode. "Oh...oh my."
Setsuna indignantly hiked down her skirt, gripping her staff. Her magenta eyes narrowed at the fanboys. "Dead Scream."
Cameraman Dan glanced at the lord of Mass Destruction. "Um...gotta go!" And with that he was off, fortunately missing the deadly blast of Sailor Pluto's Dead Scream attack. The fanboys, however, were not so lucky.
"Ha!" Chaos taunted, side-stepping the pummelling violet light. "You missed!" And with that he started to do an SD dance o' mocking, all the while sticking out his tongue at Setsuna. "Nyah nyah nya-nyah nyah!"
Mayhem tapped his shoulder. "Actually, her aim was dead on, Chaos." He handed Chaos a whip. "And remember, he has to call you the Queen."
With a groan Chaos turned back and stared up at the roaring Zoantropy. "She shall pay for this, yes she will."
Setsuna shook her head as she watched a now female Chaos beat Pesti-chan back into submission. "Someone out there has got a macabre sense of humour to write a fanfic about something like this and throwing us Sailor Senshi in the middle of it."
[Fanboy's Note: Ooh! Ooh! Macabre sense of humour, over here!]
With an exasperated sigh, Setsuna walked through the portal of time, making sure the draft didn't blow up her skirt again. Chaos turned to Mayhem as she left. "Do you think we insulted her?"
Mayhem considered it. "Who, us? Nah!"
Pesti-chan suddenly leaped up from his smouldering crater in the sidewalk, his SD form trying to strangle Chaos. "If you ever make me call you the Queen again, Chaos...!"
Mayhem glanced across the road. "Na ni? What is that big gathering across the road from us?"
"It's some open forum on how they intend to catch the mysterious panty thief," Pesti-chan remarked, reading the banner over the large, opened double doorways. He glanced at the growing crowd. "Sugoi! I think every Anime babe Havoc's ever stolen panties or bras from is there!"
Abruptly a smoking Havoc crashed down atop Chaos. "Ah, thank you," Havoc said, sitting up from the twitching remains of twitching fanboy. "You know, you make a wonderful crashmat."
Chaos pulled himself out from yet another new crater in the sidewalk. He angrily turned to the Hentai-sama, about to shout something nasty and no doubt needing to be censored when he noticed something dangling out from the bottom of Havoc's DOJI BOY sweater.
"Hm? Na ni?"
And with that, Chaos gave a tug on the loose item...which turned out to be (surprise surprise) a bra! However that particular bra turned out to be the ripcord which deployed Havoc's panty parachute. The undergarment-fashioned chute was thrown open, instantly catching the winds and dragging a frantic SD Havoc right through the open doors of the public forum.
And what an interesting sight it was when the speaker at the time, Asuka Sohru Langley, was in the middle of rattling off a list of vicious smitings they would perform if they ever recovered their panties and caught the culprit just as Havoc and his exploding rainfall of stolen bras and panties were flung right into her face.
Across the street, the fanboys watched the ensuing mass hysteria and the usual Anime dustcloud that always appears during such large melees.
Mayhem winced. "Ouch, is he gonna be feeling that in the next fanfic."
Pesti-chan's eyebrow twitched. "Ne, Chaos, do you think the Dirty Pair really are going to carry through with their threat to shoot off his--?"
"Ignorance is bliss, Pesti-chan!" Chaos cut in. "Perhaps we should just retreat to a safe distance before the fracas starts drifting in this direction."
All: "Run away! Run away!"

* * *

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