Fanboy-chans in Bikini-land!

        [Cue the beach sequence!]
        Chaos: "Ohayo, everyone! And welcome to the swimsuit extravaganza issue of our Curse of the Fanboys! series. More kawaii babes in bikinis! More nekkid flashes of my Mako-chan!"
        Pesti: "*YOUR* Mako-chan's nekkid flashes?!"
        Mayhem: "And what better a place to host this fic than on a warm, sunny beach! This might just be the break we need."
        Carnage: "Did someone say break? DIL BRAND!!!!"
        [Cue the Dil Brand!]
        Pesti: [coughs out a kawaii li'l smoke cloud] "He said break, not obliterate, Carnage."
        Carnage: "There's a difference?"
        Chaos: [flex flex!] "So, who do I get to showcase my muscle tones to my adoring public?"
        Mayhem: [eye roll!] "Baka. At least get out of those Speedos first."
        Chaos: "What? What's so bad about me in Speedos?"
        Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "Other than the fact that you're male and that's a *female* thong you're wearing?"
        Pesti: o.O "Aiya. Oh look: Anarchy's got one of those large inflatable shark dolls in the water."
        Chaos: "Strange. Since when did someone like Anarchy start playing with kawaii, inflatable pool toys?"
        Mayhem: [tapping Chaos on the shoulder] "Ano...Chaos, that shark's not plastic."
        [Sweatdrops appear next to Chaos, Mayhem & Pesti-chan!]
        Chaos: "You know, I think I'll just stay here on the beach."
        Mayhem: "Yes, definitely."
        Pesti: "I've been meaning to get a better tan."
        Carnage: [teary Bambi eyes!] "An-chan, don't pin that shark yet until I can get there!"
        [Cue Havoc!]
        Havoc: ^-^ "Planet Hentai's moving locations for the summer. And now to make this a nude beach! Somebody cue our featurette of Big Breasted Anime Babes go to the Beach (and Havoc takes their tops off!)!!"
        [Havoc is instantly clobbered by numerous fanboys.]
        Chaos, Mayhem, Pesti & Carnage: "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, HAVOC!!!"
        [Cue the fic!]


Part I: Hold Me, Fight Me, Kiss Me, Smite Me

        Chaos: o.O "Ano...Fanboys Eight? What the hell happened to F7!?"
        Mayhem: "Carnage's appearance in F6! blew the budget."
        Pesti: "The Special Effects budget?"
        Mayhem: "Nope. The whole damn budget. Thanks to him we couldn't afford to make an official seventh fanfic so we had to skip immediately to F8!"
        Carnage: [Bambi eyes!] "And what a lovely smiting it was, ne?"
        Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Gee thanks, Carnage."
        Chaos: [whew!] "Well at least *now* we can finally have a Recovery spell at our disposal. With all the damage repairs we've been having to pay to Tokyo, I'll be happy to have the city restored nice and quietly at the end of this fic!"
        Carnage: "Oh, you mean like this: RECOVERY!!!"
        [Only the wind's WHOOOOOOO kana is seen scrolling by as the fanboys watch a distant, 75% restored Tokyo now get fully restored from that notorious Satellite Strike.]
        Pesti: o.O "That was our only Recovery spell for the entire fanfic."
        Chaos: o.O "And he just used it in our intro. bit."
        Mayhem: "Does this mean we have to pay up for all those other bills we incurred in the last fanfic now?"
        Pesti: [groan!] "Why bother? I can't shake this feeling we'll be seeing those bills again all too quickly."
        Chaos: [grappling onto Carnage's collar!] "Carnage, you just wasted our only chance to repair the city for this fanfic in the introduction!! WHADDAYA HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, YOU DRAGU SLAVE-HAPPY BAKAYARO?!?!"
        Carnage: [NASTY eyebrow twitch!] "MONO VOLT!!!"
        Mayhem: [with sunglasses on as Chaos is lit up like a Christmas tree] "Well, I can't exactly say I didn't see that one coming."
        Pesti: [sigh!] "Yare yare. Well, we might as well cue the fic--whichever number it's at."
        And with that momentary piece of deranged written insanity out of the way, it's time for...well, for more pieces of deranged written insanity! Yes, the fanboys prove that they might get knocked down but they get back up again. Our story begins with three things that are sure to hook at least the male population: the Sailor Senshi, swimsuits, and the beach.
        [Fanboy's Note: the author would like to take the time in this fanfic now to say a word of thanks for the bikini swimsuit. *Sigh!* Ah, Gainax!]
        Ami looked up from her newest book of advanced astrophysics as the frenzied yelps of Usagi and Minako echoed across the beach. Both blondes were up to their waists in water, each one trying to out-splash and consequently drown the other.
        "Take this!" Usagi exclaimed, unleashing a volley of water at Minako. "Tsunami!!"
        Minako became just a pair of stunned, blinking eyeballs as the waves of water crashed over her. Seconds later a thoroughly drenched and unimpressed Minako retaliated. "Ha! When I begin to fight tough, you had better go and benchpress!" she said, splashing Usagi. "The Flood!!"
        Back on the dry land of the beach, Ami, Makoto and Rei all groaned and shook their heads.
        "Ano...that's 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going', Minako-chan," Ami lamented.
        Abruptly a shadow appeared in the water right next to Usagi. With a startled yelp Usagi was sucked under, a few stray bubbles left where she had been standing.
        "Usagi-chan!" Minako shrieked.
        The other three Senshi were on their feet in a heartbeat, all ready to race into the water to find their friend and princess. Suddenly Usagi burst forth from the water, coughing and splashing wildly about as she gasped for air. "I'm saved!" she sputtered, turning to the other girls.
        From their place on the beach, Rei, Makoto and Ami all recoiled in stunned disbelief, sweatdrops appearing everywhere.
        Usagi glanced over at Minako. "Na ni?"
        Minako's one eyebrow was twitching as she stared at a suddenly uninhibited Usagi. "Ano...your swimsuit."
        Innocently enough Usagi glanced down. A second later she natrually freaked. "Wah!" Usagi exclaimed, arms protectively in front of her now exposed chest. "Give me back my bikini, Yagumo!!"
        Havoc grinned, clad now in a pair of swimming trunks with the words DOJI BOY stitched onto the butt of the swimsuit. "Hotcha!" he exclaimed, bounding across the water and twirling Usagi's swimsuit top on a finger. "Hentenno-sama's first catch of the day!"
        Unfortunately, Hentenno-sama didn't watch where he was bounding and wound up getting caught by an overly amorous Minako.
        Yagumo-chan!" Minako exclaimed, grappling onto Havoc. She pulled out a very familiar Yggdrasil jacket. "Care to wear this for our date tonight, Yagumo?"
        Havoc's eyes widened in terror. "KYAAAAAAAA!!!"
        "The only thing he'll be wearing is a suit to his own funeral!" another voice snarled. "MEGA BRAND!!!"
        Seconds later Carnage's attack turned Havoc into a distant speck in the skies. "One of these days I'm going to get that perverted twit," Carnage stated.
        "Akito!" Minako protested, left with just a handful of whipped cream. "I was hoping for a date with him!"
        Carnage groaned. "I just know Naoko-sama's going to nail us with a 1,000 tonne hammer for this one."
        Mayhem shook his head as he, Pesti-chan and Chaos returned from the Cat Cafe's summer location restaurant with numerous cones of ice cream for everyone. "Baka baka."
        As luck would have it, the fanboys had been given, courtesy of the city of Tokyo, free all-expenses-paid tickets to visit an exclusive beach resort far far away from all those buildings they tended to blow into cute tiny little pieces every fanfic. That last Satellite Strike kinda clinched the deal too.
        Pesti: "I just find it rather disturbing that we have Carnage to thank for those free penthouse suites at the resort."
        Carnage: "No problem, guys. Wanna see if we can get free Tokyo Disneyland tickets with a few Dragu Slaves?"
        Everyone: "NO!!!"
        Carnage: [sulking] "You guys have no sense of adventure."
        Naturally the fanboys remained adamant about taking their beloved queen goddesses above all with them for the vacation. Let's face it: without the Senshi there wouldn't be any reason for having gratuitous bikini & nekkid flashes. And naturally the city officials were rather insistant about just getting the fanboys out of Tokyo for a while. So here our cast found themselves with a new location just ripe for a smiting in their own fashion (with or without high heels, mind you).
        Anarchy was busy constructing incredibly precise sandcastle models of Tokyo and then letting Rampage play Godzilla through them. Havoc was back from his latest orbit and now fleeing from Minako...with her swimsuit in his hands. Carnage was busy trying to fend off Rei--and keep his swimsuit on at the same time.
        Mayhem had his own hands full as he tried to hold back another spontaneous combustion as Ami playfully slid the straps of her bikini down her shoulders and asked him if he liked her with no tan lines. And Pesti-chan and a female Chaos were busy fighting over who would give the fair Mako-chan an ice cream cone. Pesti-chan won after Anarchy smited Chaos with the Eye of God just because she felt like it.
        And the author for one is not about to argue with her.
        As usual, Chaos survived. But we're not going to get into the strange tale where he encountered the Phantom Tribe inside the Eye of God, and wound up with Princess Fatora trying to pin him--er, her to the floor to make passionate love to--
        [Fanboy's Note: Remember Rule 3, ne? It seriously needs *no* excuses.]
        --just because it was completely mindless and really has nothing to do with the plot. Then again when has anything in these fics ever been anything but mindless?
        Ah, but the author rants.
        "Sugoi!" Chaos sighed, in his--er, her bikini-clad female Haley form as she reclined on a towel. "This is just what the author ordered. No more teachers, tests or excessively painful smitings! Now I can spend my spare time finishing more of my grand Chaosfics like Rurouni PenPen and Nurse Angel Yurika!"
        Mayhem shook his head. "Could someone please stop him before Carnage here does and Dragu Slaves the beach in the process?"
        Carnage's eyebrow twitched. "Nurse Angel Yurika?! A magical girl series and the Nadesico crew? Been hit with a Gentle Uterus one too many times have we?"
        Pesti-chan came in from the water with Usagi, the new overlord having courteously draped a towel over her. Usagi gratefully tugged at the edges of the towel as she sat down and looked for her shirt.
        "Arigato, Kamui!" Usagi said. "I can see why Mako-chan likes you so much!"
        Pesti-chan winked at Makoto, and she blushed in return.
        Abruptly the oversized demonic form of Chaos rose up behind Pesti-chan. "*WHOSE* Mako-chan?!?!" Chaos demanded, raising a deadly smiting weapon over his head.
        And he surely would have used that herring too had he not suddenly been clobbered by a flying broom that nicely sent his head into Rei's ice cream. Everyone glanced up as a young girl in a black witch's dress dismounted the broom and took out a small box.
        "Mizuno Ami?" Kiki said, turning to Ami-chan. "I've got a delivery for you."
        "Ah, kawaii!" Makoto exclaimed as Jiji the black cat bounded off the broom and into her lap. Jiji purred as Usagi and Makoto fawned over her.
        "She looks so much like Luna," Usagi said.
        Jiji glanced down at Chaos' current fanfic creation. "Aha!" the black cat exclaimed. "So *you're* the one who did that Kiki's Delivery Slayers fanfic! Do you have any idea how completely idiotic that was? You're just lucky Lina Inverse doesn't know where you live, Mister Chaos."
        "That can be arranged," Carnage spoke up.
        "Oooh!" Usagi said excitedly. "And she's just as pushy as Luna too!"
        A very unimpressed Chaos laughed darkly. "Aha haaaaa...cute. Ne, Jiji, have you met our pet, Rampage?"
        Pesti-chan blinked for a moment at that comment. "Ne, Mayhem," he said quietly. "Come to think of it, while they've been mentioned I've never actually seen Luna or Artemis in our fanfics. You don't think Rampage...?"
        "Ignorance is bliss, my friend," Mayhem replied evenly, helping Ami-chan work at the wrapping of the box.
        "Hai hai," Carnage agreed.
        Rei laughed, resting her head on Carnage's shoulder. "Ne, Akito, care to take me out to dinner tonight? I hear the restaurant at our hotel is having a special on Korean Barbecue."
        "You can't be serious, can you?" Carnage asked uneasily. The sweatdrop appeared again, which Carnage swatted into Chaos' face. "I was hoping to prime the rocket thrusters on my Dendrobium Orchis Gundam tonight."
        "Akito!" Rei lamented.
        "You're doomed, Carnage," Mayhem stated. "Might as well just date her and try to cure your disorder."
        "But what about An-chan?" a teary Bambi-eyed Carnage pouted.
        Everyone glanced over their shoulders as a stream of fire courtesy of Tasuki's halissen lit up the beach. Anarchy and Tasuki had pulled out their pan-dimensional karaoke machine and were proceeding to belt out "Mad Machine" while chugging down a couple glasses...bottles...kegs of sake.
        "Mad Machine! Wakaranai yo ashita no koto nante!" Anarchy sang. "Tasuki, I think I'm still sober! Toss me another keg!"
        "Comin' up, Anarchy baby!" Tasuki answered, his halissen on fire and being waved ceremoniously over his head.
        "I think she's pretty much spoken for," Kiki remarked, shaking her head at the sight.
        "An-chan!" Carnage groaned, toppling facefirst into the sand. "You're so cruel!"
        "You think that's bad?" Chaos said, putting on a T-shirt with the kanji for Otaku over his--er, her swimsuit. "I'm her brother. I had to grow up with her trying to render me a crater."
        "Yare yare," Carnage sighed. "Okay, Rei, I'll treat you to Korean barbecue tonight, but only if it means I get to stake some vampires afterwards."
        "Doubtful," Mayhem remarked. "You slaughtered most of the cast of Kimera last week while testing out the new liquid metal claws for Escafanboy, remember?"
        "Steak?" Usagi piped up. "Oooh, we're having steak with our barbecue too? I just love sirloin and prime kalbi and cold noodles!"
        "Hai!" all the other girls agreed.
        "And dinner's on Chaos!" Carnage added enthusiastically.
        "Hai!" Chaos said, looking up from his latest Chaosfic script. "Dinner's on--WHAT?!"
        Pesti-chan's eyes abruptly bugged out as he saw Rampage down Jiji, the kawaii li'l carnivorous SD Godzilla-thingy let out a rumbling burp after her latest meal. "Lily's not going to like that one bit."
        Fortunately Chaos was able to slip a stuffed black cat doll back onto Kiki's broom, and being none the wiser the young delivery witch took off for her next job.
        "Ne, ne," Usagi said, leaning over to Ami. "What is it, Ami-chan?"
        Ami-chan giggled. "Actually, it's for Carrot-chan."
        And with that she lifted out from the package her present for her beloved Mayhem. Pesti-chan and Chaos went into immediate bug-eyed SD mode.
        Carnage whistled. "Aiya."
        Makoto eyes widened. "Ami-chan?"
        Usagi and Rei tried to stammer something out, both girls blushing slightly at the sight of a very provocative piece of silken lingerie meant only for Ami's usage. Seconds later an enormous ball of fire took out the surrounding suntanners.
        "Wah!" Pai the Triclops exclaimed, leaping up from her towel. "Yakumo got torched in a fireball! Yakumo, speak to Pai!"
        Fortunately Pesti-chan pulled out his pan-dimensional industrial fans and cleared the smoke in seconds.
        "Ami-chan," Chaos coughed. "If you're going to pull a stunt like that, please don't do it with us around. That's the fifth rented beach umbrella we've torched today."
        "Duo!" Rei exclaimed. "Don't encourage her!"
        Chaos could only shrug in response. "Well it's true! Now if Mako-chan happened to be wearing that negligee--"
        "ECCHI!" Pesti-chan exclaimed, punting Chaos across the beach. However Chaos wound up getting in the middle of a volleyball match involving Yuu, Ginta, Miki and Miwa-kun, and in a case of mistaken identity got spiked...right into Makoto's breasts.
        Makoto & Pesti: o.O
        Chaos: "Ano...does it look really bad since we're both girls currently?"
        Makoto: "DUO...!!!"
        Carnage: [handing Makoto the Zanba sword] "Here. This tends to hurt him more."
        Makoto decided to step out of the conversation and let her fist do the talking instead. And as Chaos was buried up to his ankles in the sand (upside-down however), Minako returned to the group--the Yggdrasil jacket replacing her lost bikini top thanks to a certain hentai otaku. She took a seat next to Mayhem, lamenting over how she had lost Yagumo in her grip thanks to that strange geyser of whipped cream that had come out from his swimsuit.
        "I can't believe it," Minako sighed. "Why is it that Yagumo doesn't want me, Aino Minako, rising idol and volleyball star, to be his girlfriend?"
        "Because the author is not about to let someone like Havoc procreate," Mayhem replied evenly, smoke filtering out from his hair as Ami-chan slipped the negligee into his beach bag and gave him a very naughty wink.
        "I can only fear of what newfound victim he's got now," Pesti-chan remarked.
        Everyone glanced back as they saw Havoc bounding across the beach sands, playfully waving his latest acquisitions as a horde of angry young Anime babes gave chase.
        "Hotcha!" he exclaimed, taking a deep inhale of bikinis. "Such wonderful little--!"
        A split second later an enormous explosion rocked the beach, a charred Havoc erupting from the fireball and crashing through Usagi's beach umbrella.
        "What kind of a girl packs C-4 into her bikini?!" Havoc exclaimed, getting up and dusting himself off.
        The fanboys all sweatdropped. "Minnie May strikes again," Mayhem glibly stated.
        "Ah, you came for me after all, Yagumo!" Minako exclaimed, puting Havoc into a chokehold as she wrapped her arms around him.
        "Tasukete!" Havoc yelped, frantically looking around. "I need a place to hide!" And then he chose the perfect place where Minako would never think of looking: inside the female Chaos' shirt.
        "Quick fondling me, you pervert!" Chaos snarled, yanking Havoc out from his--er, her swimsuit and then booting Havoc clear into the ocean's horizon line. Seconds later his eyes bugged out upon realizing that the top of his bikini was now missing. "Hentai!!"
        "Call me Hentenno-sama!!"
        Chaos lobbed a cow after the flying fanboy. "That should take care of him, at least."
        "In a sense," Mayhem countered, adjusting his binoculars. "Your punt just sent Havoc onto the floating island of Togenkyo--and right into Prince Toma's harem of potential brides-to-be, no less."
        Pesti-chan and Carnage both gave Chaos every unimpressed looks. "What? What?!" an SD Chaos protested. "At least that'll keep Havoc occupied for the rest of this page!"
        "You are such an idiot," Carnage stated.
        Makoto rolled her eyes and reclined face-down on a towel to get a suntan. "Would someone mind rubbing some lotion on my back?" she asked. "I could use a good tan."
        Chaos & Pesti-chan whirled and snarled at each other. "Don't you even think about it," the two chorused. "She's mine. Whaddaya mean *your* Mako-chan?! She's *my* Mako-chan!!"
        "Aw, let Kamui do it," Minako said with a coy grin on her face. "We all know Mako-chan's hoping he volunteers anyways."
        Chaos facevaulted. "Mako-chan!" he cried, teary Bambi eyes erupting in geysers of waterworks. "That's so cruel."
        Mayhem immediately grabbed a beach umbrella to shield himself from the overexaggerated rivers of tears. "This is why I'm not entirely thrilled to be this close to a large body of cold water," he remarked to Ami-chan.
        Ami cuddled up next to Mayhem. "There is a jacuzzi back at the hotel, Carrot-chan. Care to join me there tonight: just you and me and nothing else on."
        Chaos' sobbing abruptly halted as a ball of fire evaporated all his geysers of tears. "So far this isn't being a very restful vacation for me," he lamented.
        Pesti-chan grabbed hold of the bottle of suntan lotion, and promptly squeezed out an enormous stream of it upon seeing Makoto reclined out before him. "A-Aiya."
        Makoto smiled at him. "Daijobu, Kamui. Just make sure not to leave miss any spots."
        "Ano, just what am I here for?" an SD Chaos sniffled, kitty ears popping out from his hair.
        "Target practice!" came Anarchy's voice in response.
        Pesti-chan swallowed hard as he looked down at Makoto's soft skin nicely on display thanks to her bikini. For a brief moment he lifted his head to the skies. "Thank you."
        "Ah, that tickles!" Mako-chan giggled as he started to rub the lotion across her back.
        "Gomen!" Pesti-chan quickly said.
        Makoto laughed. "It's just cold, that's all. Keep going, Kamui-chan."
        Chaos went into teary Bambi eyes. "K-Kamui-chan?! That's it, Pesti-chan, you and your cabbages are so smited! This means war for the fair Mako-chan and I'm not gonna lose to--!!"
        Pesti-chan simply touched his index finger to the ground.
        Pesti: "Rumblequake."
        Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAA!!! And in the middle of my dramatic speech too!"
        The Rumblequake smite catapulted Chaos right out into the distant ocean. Fortunately for Chaos his--er, her fall was nicely softened by the Super Atragon battle submarine.
        Chaos: [very unimpressed] "'Fortunately'?!"
        Pesti-chan shook his head. "So, where did you want that suntan lotion again, Mako-chan?"
        Minako sighed as she stared out at the ocean. "I think it'll be a miracle if Duo ever gets a girlfriend."
        "What about Hotaru?" Usagi offered in optimism.
        "Three words to abruptly end their date and the planet," Mayhem countered. "Death Reborn Revolution."
        Usagi sweatdropped at that. "Oh yeah."
        "But Hotaru hasn't become Saturn again," Ami-chan said.
        "Knowing our luck," Carnage muttered. "She'll become Saturn right after the appetizers on a dinner date with Chaos. We're doomed for certain then."
        "At least it'll be with you," Rei sighed, draping herself over Carnage.
        Carnage squirmed like a six year-old in her grip. "Dammit, not this again! Rei, could you please remove your hands from...from...what is that?"

Page 2
Back to Fanfics