Mayhem turned around and grabbed his binoculars, focusing onto Chaos swimming back to shore...and then to something slowly rising up out from the water after Chaos. "It's a dorsal fin, I think," he said.
Usagi's eyes widened as she leaped to her feet. "A shark?!"
"Doubtful," Mayhem stated. "We haven't heard any Jaws theme music again."
"So then what is it?" Pesti-chan asked, putting aside the lotion and helping Makoto up.
Ami took out her personal computer and started punching away at the keys. After a few seconds her expression gave way to puzzlement. "Whatever it is, its blood type is...blue."
The fanboys instantly went into bug-eyed SD mode.
Yes, blue blood could only mean one thing: the Angels had left the outfield and were now in the ocean! And naturally when going out for a swim even Angels get hungry.
Chaos: "I suddenly have a really bad feeling what direction this scene is taking."
Havoc: "Oh Hungry? Oh Hentai! Jello, anyone?"
All: "SHADDUP, HAVOC!!!!"
"An Angel?" Carnage asked. "Are you sure?"
"Ano," Usagi spoke up. "Who would send something like that after...Duo...?"
Everyone slowly turned around to see Anarchy and Tasuki cheering on the spectacle via a bigscreen TV thanks to a satellite uplink with Cameraman Dan running the remote camera. Larger than life, a female Chaos looked back to see the enormous mouth of the Angel rise up from the water and roar at him. Needless to say Chaos freaked.
"KYAAAA!!!" Chaos shrieked. "Must swim faster! Must swim faster!"
"It must be Gaghiel," Pesti-chan stated, pulling out his pan-dimensional EVA plugsuit. "The fish creature that went after Asuka's EVA when it was being shipped to Tokyo-3."
"Can you imagine if it had been Noonsa who was that Angel?" Mayhem said."
Pesti-chan winced. "Great, that's just what my EVA needs: a large fish lips imprint on it."
"Kamui, you're not going out to fight that thing by yourself, are you?" Rei asked.
"Daijobu," Carnage said, putting on a headset. "I've got an EVA already coming in."
"I was unaware NERV moved that fast with its aerial drop planes," Mayhem remarked.
Pesti-chan turned a little red. "Oh, that. Well actually this is a new EVA Carnage designed. Commander Ikari was...a little irate at how much damage I did to 01 in the last fanfic when the Satellite Strike went off."
"You mean it's different from that big purple one you usually fly?" Usagi said. "Sugoi!"
"An EVA's not a mecha," Mayhem said, turning to Carnage. "Don't you need some kind of organic material from Adam to work with first?"
"I have my ways," Carnage replied smugly.
"This wouldn't have anything to do with that strange disappearance of Nerv Branch 2 in the United States, along with EVA unit 04, would it?" Mayhem inquired darkly.
Carnage feigned innocence. "Maybe."
"KYAAAA!!!" screamed a frantic SD Chaos, who was setting a sea speed record in frantically trying to outrace the Angel Gaghiel. "ANYTIME NOW, YOU GUYS!!!"
Suddenly the aerial dropship appeared overhead, releasing the newly revamped EVA 04 down to the beaches below. The sands rumbled as the enormous EVA landed, its form crouched low as the Entry Plug opened up.
"S-Sugoi!" Minako stammered.
EVA 04 was done up in thick armour plates with shades of deep black, the borders and edges tinted in gold. Pesti-chan's entry plug twirled into the EVA's spine and the pilot synchronized with the EVA. Two red eyes lit up on the sloped face, and the EVA's mouth opened up.
"Kamui...pilots that now?" Makoto whispered.
"I call it the EVA Hell Custom," Carnage said proudly. "Pesti-chan, try out the wings."
"Are you sure SEELE let you use that technology from the S-2 Engine prototypes?" Pesti-chan asked uneasily, his EVA reaching back and fumbling for the umbilical plug to stick into it's back for reserve power.
[Fanboy's Note: they even have those outlets waaaay out here in the beach! NERV can really plan ahead, ne?]
"Aw," Carnage scoffed. "They won't mind! Trust me!"
Seconds later the EVA Hell Custom's back rippled and two enormous bat-like wings emerged, unfolding across the skies with enough size to block out the sun.
Mayhem leaned over to Carnage. "What? No oversized twin-Vulcan cannon from the Heavyarms Custom Gundam?"
Carnage shrugged. "Needed those twin cannons for my new Escafanboy design. Next week I can arm him with a spare Particle gun when my replacement parts come in."
"Hey!" Pesti-chan's voice exclaimed from inside the EVA. "Where's my Progressive Knife, Carnage?"
"To be honest those Prog Knives take too long to use so I specially installed them to protract from your armor," Carnage answered. "Hit the button on your left, and watch out for the recoil."
Everyone gawked as EVA 04 suddeny became an oversized demonic hedgehog, enormous knife blades shooting out from nearly every joint and seam of armour plating possible.
"Cool!" Usagi exclaimed.
"Impressive," Ami-chan said in awe.
Mayhem rubbed his temples. "Hoboy. Carnage, you have seriously got to seek help about your thrill for overkill."
"Why?" Carnage asked. "What's wrong with it?"
"All those exploding Prog Knives severed my umbilical, you moron!" came Pesti-chan's voice. "I've got only four and a half minutes of spare power left now!"
"Don't use the popcorn maker," Mayhem said.
"I could use a little help here!!" Chaos' voice exclaimed as Gaghiel thrashed about in the water.
And so EVA 04 valiantly tromped into the ocean to go save Chaos...who was currently on the tip of Gaghiel's nose and beating it repeatedly with an umbrella.
Chaos: "Back! Back I say!!"
Chaos: o.O "I was unaware of the kawaii li'l happy face on the Angel's uvula."
Carnage sighed, wiping away a tear from his Bambi eyes as he watched the charging EVA. "Isn't it a beautiful sight?" he asked. "AT Fields and enormous explosions are no doubt soon to follow. We really should get drunk immediately."
"They're in the water pretty deep," Mayhem remarked. "Did you happen to recall that the EVA Hell Custom can't use the B-Type equipment in the water?"
Carnage: o.O "Um...."
* * *
And about as much as it seems to be after the point, can anyone say "Oops?". Granted for Chaos it would most likely be "Itai!!" thanks to him having already being smited by EVAs, Dragu Slaves, Angels, cows, cabbages, terrified flying octopuses, oversized Gentle Uteruses, Gundams, Rumblequakes, AT Fields, Zanba swords, oversized mallets, Space Swords, tidal waves of whipped cream, Red Queens Haruka & Kasumi, a Zoantrophied Pesti-chan, a T-74 tank, carnivorous mascots, Boomers, plushies, Hiryu Shoten Bra--
Chaos: "You know, I've had just about enough of this abuse from everyone--especially you, His lordship Chaos!"
[Fanboy's Note: I'm the author. This is my job. ^-^ Tee hee! Dance, you puppets, dance!]
Chaos: "This is not the way to treat the otaku in your story here, buddy! I'll tell you're girlfriend on you!"
[Fanboy's Note: that's beside the point!]
Chaos: [hoisting a cow over his head!] "Na ni? You wanna fight?!"
[Fanboy's Note: suddenly, without warning, an enormous Gentle Uterus came falling from the sky to smite Chaos!]
Chaos: o.O "Oh no."
[Cue the Gentle Uterus!]
Well, about five minutes later people coming for a serene and peaceful stroll on the beach were presented with a bizarre spectacle of seeing EVA 04's legs sticking upside-down from the water with the Angel Gaghiel knawing on a kneecap. And in the midst of all this Chaos was still there on top of Gaghiel, futily trying to get the Angel to call him--er, her the Queen.
Needless to say when the NERV clean-up team arrived, Gendo Ikari was not impressed; although Carnage *was* offered a job at NERV for all his efforts with the EVA Hell Custom. Unfortunately Asuka fawned all over him. Rei Ayanami, on the other hand, just stared at him.
"That is so unnatural," Carnage muttered, shivering at how receptive Ayanami was. "Little Miss Personality Queen's even creepier in person."
Pesti-chan shrugged, out of his plug suit and back in his swimming suit. "I've lost track of which number clone she was."
"CHU CHU!" squeaked a happy Rampage as Usagi scratched her rather round tummy.
"Ano...just how was something so small as Rampage-chan able to devour in one bite something as large as that Angel?" Ami inquired.
"I'm still wondering how we could justify to the readers that Gaghiel was a kawaii little mascot," Mayhem said.
"This would have never happened had I been using my Deathscythe," Chaos sighed, watching the EVA Hell Custom get airlifted out of the ocean.
Carnage growled. "*WHOSE* Deathscythe, you petty excuse for a pilot? The only thing you've ever managed to do in a cockpit was find the self-destruct button for my Escafanboy mecha!"
"Oh yeah?" Chaos shot back. "Who let all his Gundams get plasma grenaded by Minnie May back at Planet Hentai, hm?"
Both fanboys hissed and butted their heads together, shouting "Hey, Deathscythe is *MY* Gundam!! Whaddaya mean *YOUR* Gundam?!"
Misato's eyebrow twitched as she put down her can of Yebichu beer. "They certainly are loud, ne, Anarchy?"
Anarchy rolled her eyes, setting down her keg of sake. "Boys," she sighed, snapping her fingers. Seconds later two enormous Gundams came falling from the sky, their landing softened nicely by two little fanboys.
"It's the original Wing's Deathscythe Gundam, and the new Deathscythe Hell Custom model for the Endless Waltz OAVs!" Chaos and Carnage exclaimed, each one scrambling for a mecha.
"Well," Makoto sighed in relief. "I think that finally settles that."
"I doubt it," Mayhem said, gesturing to the battling mechas in the background.
"My original Deathscythe can kick your Deathscythe Hell Custom's ass any day!" came Chaos' voice as he and Carnage held a jousting match in the water.
"Ha! Don't make me laugh!" Carnage retorted, unsheathing his double-bladed scythe. "Watch this baby move!"
Ami blinked. "I don't think I'll ever understand them," she lamented.
"I stopped trying to a long time ago," Makoto stated. "Maybe we should call it a day here at the beach and get back to the hotel before those guys destroy anything else."
"Too late," Mayhem and Pesti-chan chorused.
"Hai!" Usagi piped up enthusiastically. "I'm just sooo hungry now I could eat an entire buffet, ne, Minako-chan? Minako-chan?"
"You always eat an entire buffet," Rei sighed.
Mayhem paused as he stepped forward and his foot bumped against something. Kneeling down he gripped a small peach where Minako had last been standing.
"Curious," he remarked, taking one more scan of the beach.
"Minako-chan?" Usagi called out again, looking around the beach. "Minako-chan? Ne, where did Minako-chan disappear to?"
Pesti-chan looked over his shoulder. "I don't know. Maybe she's out chasing after Havoc again."
"Knowing Minako, that's why she ran off," Rei sighed. "Come on, Akito!" she called out to Carnage. "We're going to get ready for Korean barbecue!"
"In a moment!" Carnage replied. "I have you now, Little Miss Dragqueen!"
"You wish, Dragu Slave-happy boy!" Chaos retorted.
Both mechas charged with their scythes...and promptly sliced each other's weapons in half. And so with no other way to fight they decided to do a most honourable sport to decide the victor: Rock, Paper Scissors.
Carnage won after Chaos' paper wrapped his rock, and Carnage subsequently Dragu Slaved Chaos' mecha.
* * *
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