Well, not one hour or even one paragraph later, Chaos found himself--er, herself dressed all nice and the cute like in his Sailor Haley fuku and strapped to a cross to become a sacrifice to those who would hunt Senshi.
Chaos: [flailing irate mode!] "THIS ISN'T FUNNY GUYS! I REFUSE TO BE THE OTAKU SACRIFICE UNTIL WE VOTE ON THIS! AND NOW MY PANTIES ARE RUNNING UP MY REAR END!!"
Hysteria: [hiding in behind some trees with the other fanboys!] "Oooh! Chaos-poppa looks just soooo kawaii all strapped to that kawaii little cross-chan, ne? Ne? Ne?"
Carnage: [turning to Pesti-chan] "Think they'll go after something as noisy and irritating as hell as Chaos?"
Pesti: [shrug!] "Hey, if it worked for Ranma then we still stand a chance with him."
Mayhem: "I'm hoping they'll mistake the female Chaos for a Sailor Senshi. If not then we'd better find a new plot device fast."
Pesti: "That's not good considering our fics aren't based on a manga for us to consult."
Chaos: [turning to the guy tied up to a cross next to him] "So, what's your story?"
Carrot Glaces: [teary Bambi eyes!] "Bomber-chaaaaaan!!"
And then something the shadows stirred.
"Masaka!" Carnage whispered. "That didn't take long!"
Suddenly who should emerge but--!
"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, bouncing across the beach where Chaos was just hanging around on. "Instead of RG Veda's six stars I got their six panties! Ashura's silken darlings are mine at last!"
"Oooh!" Hysteria said. "Havoc-poppa, did you steal Yasha-chan and Taishakuten-chan's kawaii little boxer short-chans for Hysteria too?"
Naturally, facevaulting ensued.
Chaos' eyes abruptly bugged out. "KYAAAAAAAA!!! The shadow's right beneath me!" he shrieked, reverting into SD mode. Which proved to be rather fortunate because in his miniature size he was able to slip out from the knots and land safely on the ground.
"Try to cop a feel on my bosoms, will ya?!" he--er, she snarled, pulling out bucket of herrings and dumping them into the shadow.
"Um, Chaos?" Pesti-chan said, tapping Chaos on the shoulder. "That was Havoc who stole your bra, not the shadow."
Chaos sweatdropped as he glanced over his shoulder to see Havoc bouncing around the beach with Chaos' bra over her head. "Ah, I see. You mean I just wasted a good bucket of herrings for nothing? They're not cheap, I'll have you know--even in bulk!"
"Would you just forget about the herrings?!" Carnage snapped. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the shadow. "Now it's payback time. Where did you put our queen Senshi goddesses above all, Toma?!"
The entire beach was thrown into a fierce sandstorm as gales swept across the area. The fanboys looked away to shield their eyes--and because he was looking away Chaos got clobbered by a St. Tallgeese mecha-chan that hadn't been tied down properly.
Something emerged from the shadow that had kidnapped at the Sailor Senshi, a short and squat man with a long grey beard and a staff. "Sorry, wrong Anime," the old man said. "But I'm flattered you'd mistake me for a handsome young man."
The fanboys recoiled as the winds died down and they could finally see their opponent.
"D-Diol!" Carnage hissed. "Who?" Pesti-chan asked.
"Don't ask questions, Pesti-chan," a frantic SD Chaos replied, handing Pesti-chan a set of earplugs. "Cover your ears and prepare to flee in terror!"
Mayhem stiffened, taking a defensive stance. "Diol was the mad scientist featured in Slayers OAV 1. He's the idiot who made those ten clones of Naga!"
Diol laughed. "Ah, so you're familiar with my great accomplishments after all."
"I would hardly call making ten clones of Naga a great accomplishment," Mayhem countered.
That got a nod from Diol. "Well, even though they joined the original Naga, drove me insane with their laughter and trashed my castle...I STILL HAVEN'T CHANGED ONE BIT!! HA HA!!"
"Please let me hurt him," Carnage asked, opening his palm and letting a fireball erupt.
"Not yet," Mayhem replied. "Ne, Diol, what's the deal with you stealing all our Sailor Senshi?"
Diol started to chuckle diabolically, and then got so caught up in his fit of maniacal laughter that Carnage had to drop the Super Gundam Crushing Press onto him in order to get the plot moving again.
"Ahem!" Diol said, clearing his throat. "In truth, I was never after those girls. You are my targets, fanboys! Every single one of you! I only kidnapped the Senshi to use as leverage against you; if you don't follow my instructions I shall make you sorry you ever enrolled in Jyuban High."
"Why you little...!!" Pesti-chan snarled, summoning his Rumblequake.
"Hai!" piped up a cute li'l female voice. "And if you don't mind, we're kinda behind schedule so if you'll just surrender now we would greatly appreciate it!"
The fanboys smacked aside their sweatdrops as they turned to Hysteria. "What?" she asked. "That wasn't Hysteria's kawaii little voice."
Suddenly a tiny little figure with gossamer wings appeared fluttering next to Diol. A cute little fairy with long black hair, really really elongated ears and big Bambi eyes flew onto the scene. She waved to the fanboys as she adjusted her frilly and glittering blue dress.
Fairy: ^-^ "Komban wa!"Carnage: [sweatdrop!] "Now who is she?"
Chaos: "And where can I get a foofy dress like hers?"
Pesti: "Foofy? Now what the hell does foofy mean?!"
Mayhem: "Think of female romantic 'fufu' moments and then transfer them over to the fashion world, Pesti-chan."
"I'm Herself!" the little fairy said with an almost annoyingly cute smile on her face.
"Well we know you're female, but what's your name?" Chaos asked. "Herself!"
Carnage turned to Hysteria. "Is she your sister or what?"
Hysteria shook her head. "As far as Hysteria knows she's an only kawaii little daughter. But that fairy-chan's still just soooo kawaii, ne? Ne? Ne?"
Mayhem sighed. "Philosophical questions of existence aside, what do most people call you?"
"Herself the Elf!" the fairy replied, bowing courtly to them. "Pleased to meet you!"
"She's my personal assistant," Diol explained. "Not to mention a pet project I've been working on for the past few months. Now, you're all coming with me or else your precious Senshi will be--!"
Diol's sentence was abruptly cut off as Havoc used the back of his head to spring past the Herself the Elf. "Hotcha!" she exclaimed, twirling a tiny but cute set of panties on her index finger! Pixie panties, a first for Hentenno-sama!"
Chaos smacked his forehead. "So much for the dramatic tension."
Herself the Elf growled, a demonic battle aura erupting from her fluttering form. "I did not appreciate getting a draft like that," she muttered darkly. "You must be punished!"
Havoc glanced back. "Oro?"
[Cue the Tira & Chocolat Misu transformation theme music!]
Chaos: o.O "Oh no."
Pesti: "Carnage, see if you can find the CD player that's doing the music, and then kill it."
As the music went on, Herself the Elf slowly drew back a hand and removed the ribbon from her hair. Then she stepped out from her kawaii li'l high heel shoes and with sudden vigour flung off her blue dress. A flurry of rose petals flew around her suddenly nubile and very Gainax-to-the-max body, clad in a tight, black leather S&M dominatrix get-up that would have made the Misu sisters jealous.
Mayhem: [sweatdrop!] "Now there's something you don't see every day."
Pesti: [eep!] "Not unless you're a regular in this series."
Carnage: o.O "What the hell is she?! A Bondage Fairy?!"
Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha!"
Now standing at human height yet still with her elfish ears, the all new and Gainax-improved Herself the Elf threw back her head and laughed. "WOH HOH HO OHO OH HOH HO HOH OHO!!!!!!"
Diol groaned. "You idiots! Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to revert her evil personality into becoming a kind good and cute fairy?!"
"And yet we managed to turn her to the dark side in about, what...thirty seconds?" Carnage remarked.
"Not bad," Mayhem added. "Though I think we could have done better."
"Baka," Diol sighed, pulling out a clipboard and scratching out a few lines. "So much for project Herself the Elf. Looks like Princess Sarcasm's back for good. You just had to get her to remove that ribbon in her hair, didn't you? Whenever that is taken out she turns into...well, that."
Sarcasm: [chasing after Havoc!] "Prepare to lick my boots, you pervert!"
Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! I love it when they play hard to get!"
Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Aiya. She's got a Lady Une schizoid disorder going there."
"Oooooh!" Hysteria said, excitedly clapping her hands. "Diol-chan and Sarcasm-chan can join Hysteria for a kawaii little tea party-chan! Hysteria has enough kawaii little frilly aprons for everyone!"
"GET BACK HERE!!!" Sarcasm-hime exclaimed, pulling out from her back an enormous Ukyo-sized spatula and using it to try and squash Havoc.
"'Ye old...Zanba spatula'?" Pesti-chan said, reading the label on the oversized spatula.
Sarcasm-hime let out a triumphant cackle as she brought the Zanba spatula down upon Havoc. The Hentenno glanced back just in time to see the flat, shiny metal surface head right for her face. "Oro?"
"Quick!" Chaos exclaimed. "Grab your umbrellas!"
The fanboys immediately pulled out their umbrellas as the Zanba spatula hammered Havoc, sending out an explosion of Cream Lemon that covered everything on the beach in about three feet of whipped cream.
A stunned Sarcasm-hime blinked, now a large white blob of whipped cream with eyeballs. "Na...ni?"
"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, popping out from the Cream Lemon. "Just what the hentai ordered! Anyone else want some Jello?"
"Moron," Carnage muttered, folding up his umbrella and wiping a stray bit of cream from his shoulder.
Pesti-chan turned to Chaos. "Um, Chaos, you pulled out a cow, not an umbrella."
"I know," a whipped cream-covered Chaos replied distantly, turning to look at the equally white cow sitting next to him.
The cow blinked in confused surprise. "Moo?"
"When are people going to learn not to do that to Havoc?" Mayhem sighed. "This could have been a great supply for Havoc's Cream Ale and now it's all gone to waste."
Pesti-chan shook his head. "Ecchi." "WAAAAAH!!"
Everyone turned to Hysteria, who was sniffling with the largest teary Bambi eyes anyone had ever seen. She held up a kawaii frilly apron now totally drenched in whipped cream. "You...ruined Hysteria-chan's kawaii little frilly aprons," she growled. "This is unforgivable!"
Carnage rolled his eyes. "Hoboy. Would anyone object if I just stepped on you all with my Kampfer mobile suit?"
Came the resounding reply: "YES!!" "Crybabies," Carnage muttered.
"Hysteria doesn't like being abused like this!" Hysteria whined, stomping her feet. Hysteria glared at Sarcasm-hime. "You've upset kawaii little Hysteria! Witness Hysteria's kawaii ultimate technique!"
"This should prove interesting," Pesti-chan remarked.
"Hai hai," Havoc agreed. "Jello?" Chaos sweatdropped. "What? No popcorn?"
A kawaii battle aura erupted around Hysteria as she drew back her arms and opened her hands. A surge of kawaii blue light gathered in between her palms. "KAWAII KILLER BUTTERFLY ATTACK!!!"
Carnage's eyebrow twitched. "A...butterfly attack?" he exclaimed in stunned disbelief.
"What could be so dangerous about a butterfly?" Chaos asked.
Hysteria flung her Kawaii Butterfly attack at Sarcasm-hime.
Sarcasm stood her ground watching as a horde of small sparkling butterflies flapped their way towards her. Halfway to her the winged insects merged into one enormous butterfly. It lifted its head to reveal bulging green eyes. The mouth opened to display rows of deadly teeth, each one dripping with saliva. The butterfly demon gave a howl and increased its speed, lunging for Sarcasm. She raised her Zanba spatula and squashed the demonic insect into the ground.
However this still didn't stop the enormous explosion from clearing the beach of Cream Lemon...not to mention trees, sand, water and any occupants--namely Diol and the fanboys.
"So," Carnage remarked, nicely fused with the trunk of a palm tree. "That's her Kawaii Killer Butterfly attack?"
"H-Hai," Chaos replied, staggering onto the beach now wearing Sarcasm's Zanba spatula around his waist. "You know, it really hurts when you put your head through this thing."
Pesti-chan groaned as he pulled himself out from his hole in the sand, gawking at an enormous smoking crater just a few steps away from him. "S-Sugoi!"
"Wha...what kind of attack was that?" Sarcasm-hime asked as she blinked, looking down at her hands which were still trying to grip the Zanba spatula that was now being modelled by Chaos.
"I note a definite similarity in it," Diol said, rising to his feet. "It's got the absurdity and destructive force of you guys."
Chaos nodded, a vacant, horrified look about him. "Aiya! That means she's definitely a second-generation fangirl."
"But, with the amount of damage she generated," Mayhem said, dusting his relatively unscathed self off as he emerged from the surrounding trees. "That means Hysteria must be either Carnage or Anarchy's daughter."
Carnage facevaulted. "I WOULD NOT RAISE A KID TO BLOW SOMEONE AWAY WITH A HERD OF BUTTERFLIES!!!"
"How about a plethora of panties?" Havoc suggested.
"Oops!" Hysteria giggled nervously. "Hysteria didn't mean to do that! Gomen nasai!"
"Ah, that's alright," Havoc said. "After all, I got Sarcasm's panties out of the deal too!"
"HENTAI!!" Sarcasm-hime fumed.
"Call me Hentenno-sama!"
"Wait!" Diol cut in. "I'm not about to have another one of my speeches interrupted again! Lina Inverse did it, then you guys did it; have you no respect for your elders, and--HEY! I'm talking here!"
"Not interested," Chaos stated as the group of fanboys walked away. "We'll just find Togenkyo Island ourselves and save our queen goddesses."
Diol's eyes suddenly got a diabolical glint in them. "I don't think so, Chaos," he countered, snapping his fingers.
The fanboys froze as a group of cloaked figures suddenly emerged, circling around them.
"What?" Carnage asked, summoning a Dil Brand attack. "Don't tell me you're going to try and subdue us with those Naga clones?"
"Ha! Not even close!" Diol cackled. "I know all about you fanboys! I know your every weakness, which is why I created these ladies especially for you! Get them, my Chibiusa Naga clones!!!"
The cloaked figures threw off their hooded robes to reveal a pack of young women with Chibiusa's appearance and hairstyle coupled with Naga's rather curvaceous body & battle bikini.
"Dear lord!" Mayhem exclaimed. "An army of Gainax-bouncing Yamheads!"
"He *is* mad!" Carnage hissed.
"KYAAAAAA!!!!" Chaos shrieked, leaping into the arms of Sarcasm. "JO'O-SAMAAAAAA!!" Sarcasm promptly punted him into the nearest Chibiusa Naga clone.
"WOH HOH HO HOH HO HO HO OHO HOH!!!" the Chibiusa Naga clones cackled. Everyone, even Hysteria and Sarcasm toppled over in twitching fits. Havoc ensured that her fall was nicely softened by a large ball of panties.
"Wah!" Hysteria whined. "They're hurting Hysteria's kawaii little head! Make them stop, Chaos-poppa! Make them stop!"
"Diol, you double-crossing bastard...!" Sarcasm hissed, trying to prop herself up on her spatula.
Diol shrugged. "Gomen, but I need to get you back as Herself the Elf immediately if I'm to start my experiments on them." Abruptly he was clocked in the back of the head with an empty Sake bottle.
Diol: [rubbing the bump on his head] "Na ni?"
Anarchy & Tasuki: [bombed & still singin'!] "Just love! Kinikuwanai aitsu!"
"We're saved!" Chaos said, trying to find a set of earplugs and only managing to pull out Catastrophe-chan.
"chu chu!" "KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Anarchy looked from the Chibiusa Naga clones to Diol. "And just what the hell are you doing?" she asked darkly, polishing off another bottle of Sake and tossing it onto Chaos' head. "You know we tend to kill anyone who uses a Yamhead in this series."
Diol nervously sweatdropped. "Um...subjecting the fanboys to torture and then dragging them off to Togenkyo Island?"
"Cool!" Anarchy said, pulling out another bottle of Sake.
Diol: [eager] "I would certainly love to let you join me on that island and watch my work, Anarchy."
Anarchy & Tasuki: [hesitating] "....."Diol: "I'll throw in a keg of Sake."
Anarchy & Tasuki: ^-^ "Hai!"
Carnage: [teary Bambi eyes!] "An-chan, how could you?"
Chaos: [clinging to Mayhem in absolute terror!] "TASUKETEEEEE!!!"
Mayhem: "You're wrinkling my shirt, Chaos! Don't make me use this crowbar to pry you off me!"
Pesti: [wince!] "Hurting...stop...when?!"
Chibiusa Naga clones: "WOH HOH HO HOH HO HO HO OHO HOH!!!"
[This fanfic has been abruptly terminated due to overexposure of dangerous levels to kawaiiness, causing the author and his kawaii all-female writing assistant team to flee in terror. Please stand by as we cue the eyecatch!]
^-^ Tee hee!
Thanks goes out to Lord Havoc for conjuring up the idea of Havoc' private stock of Cream Ale. Likewise to Mayhem who gave us the St. Tallgeese Hysteriafic. And naturally, I grovel before Sarcasm-hime for creating some of the most incredible character pics ever for the fanboys...even if one is of Red Queen Kasumi.
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