In the beginning there was nothing.
                      And then there was Anime.
                      And it was good.

                      Then came Mr. and Mrs. Takeuchi,
                      Who begat Naoko Takeuchi,
                      Who begat Sailormoon,
                      And it was good.

                      Sailormoon then begat Sailormoon otaku.
                      And Sailormoon otaku begat Sailormoon fics.
                      And then came the fanboys

                      ...and all hell broke loose.



           [Cue the obligatory intro bit!]

Chaos: ^-^ "Finally! We're actually going to do a real fanfic for once! No more pointless omakefics. No more ruined Tokyo skyline! Carnage, bring on the Recovery spell!"

Carnage: "Hai! RECOVERY!!!"

           [The fanboys all watch and eat their popcorn as the once-devastated city of Tokyo is restored to its former glory again. For how long though....]

Pesti: ^^ "Actually, we've got an added bonus."

Dark Mayhem: "And that is?"

Pesti: "Demolition can also cast a Recovery spell in every fic. We can let him cast it at the end of this--"

Demolition: "Ha! You call that a Recovery spell, Onii-san? THIS is a proper way to cast it: RECOVERY!!!"

           [The fanboys all watch in stunned disbelief as the already-restored city of Tokyo gets restored again!]

Pesti: [eyebrow twitch!] "--fic."

Chaos: [evil demonic mode] "YOU...!!"

Demolition: "What?"

Pesti: "We're only allowed one Recovery spell per fic and per fanboy to repair the damage we always wreak. You and Carnage were the only ones who know how to cast that spell. Now thanks to you, the city won't get repaired until the next fanfic!!"

Dark Mayhem: "On the plus side, I've never seen Tokyo so shiny."

Chaos: [teary Bambi eyes] "This is just how that riot over my Psycho Moldiver Chaosfic started."

Riot: ^^ "You called for a most honourable martial arts otaku?"

Dark Mayhem: "Chaos, you twit, that wasn't *happy* riot! They tried to fire you out of the Nadesico's transpositional cannon."

Pesti: "Without a net, even."

Riot: ^^;; "Moshi moshi?"

Carnage: "So now what the hell do we do?"

Hysteria: ^-^ "Throw a kawaii little tea party-chan!"

Fanboys: [punting Hysteria] "NO!!"

Havoc: ^-^ "Dojifest!"

Fanboys: [punting Havoc] "NOT A CHANCE!!"

Anarchy: [with Sake!] "Let's get pissed!"

Fanboys: [not punting Anarchy] "......"

Dark Mayhem: "She has a point."

Ruckus: ^-^ "We could always chase cute guys!"

Chaos: --;; "You're in the wrong room. Sarcasm's lounge is down the hall, second door on your right. Look for the line-up of bishounen waiting to service her."

Ruckus: ^^ "Hai!"

           [Suddenly the door is broken down and out bounces Pandemonium!]

Pandemonium: [jiggling into the intro bit!] "Nobody move!"

Demolition: [aside to Pesti-chan] "Somebody should tell that to her breasts."

Pandemonium: [glare!] "I heard that!"

Demolition: o.O "Ummm...bye!"

           [Demolition makes a fast break, Pandemonium chasing after him!]

Pandemonium: [naughty tentacles of justice: deploy!] "Get over here! Talking back to an AD Police officer is grounds for a full body cavity search!"

Dark Mayhem: "So just why did she show up here in the first place?"

Sarcasm: [sauntering in] "As far as the bishies waiting in the hall could tell, she had mentioned something about a crazed Boomer. Ne, anyone know if I used up all the chocolate body-cream last night?"

           [Cue the crazed Boomer stomping on Chaos and then leaping off the balcony!]

Chaos: --;; [flattened li'l otaku] "Where's Desolation when you actually need his 'Wu' aura for once?"

Pesti: "Hey wait a minute. That Boomer used to be our can opener!"

           [Everyone slowly turns to Carnage.]

Carnage: ^^;; "Um...oops?"

Dark Mayhem: "And just how the hell could you accidentally turn a manual can-opener into a 1,000,000 horsepower Hyperboomer?"

Carnage: "Well...my hand slipped."

Demolition: --;; "You're even worse than those Phone Pole lab doctors, you know that, Onii-san?"

Dark Mayhem: "In fact, this entire intro bit's reading like Chaos' Shamanic Vampire Princess Miyu fic."

Chaos: ^-^ "Ooooh! My fic's that good?"

Pesti: "As MST fodder, it's brilliant."

Chaos: [dancing across the intro bit] "You love me! You really love me!"

Fanboys: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...."



           [Cue the fanfic!]




The Super-Deformed Gang's All Here.


FANBOYS IRRELEVANT, F9: KOF (KING OF FANFICS)!!!



Part I: Kodomo no Otaku




           We begin where all stories are meant to start: somewhere around the end of the middle. It was here, amidst the dark folds of the Dead Moon Circus tent, that Zirconia hesitantly shuffled towards the mirror which imprisoned her dark mistress. Yes indeed, they had sent out clowns...only to have the clowns return, crying about how everyone had laughed at them.
           Someone stirred within the mirror's dark reflection. And a rather voluptuous someone at that. Zirconia bowed in servitude and fear of the woman she served. It was just as well that the flaming eyeball with wings had been eaten by some baby SD Godzilla-thingy a few weeks ago; Zirconia didn't want to see any more of Nehelenia than she had to.
           As with all badass Mistresses of Evil, Nehelenia would always send inept underlings to do her job. Then she would get rather honked at their failure and beat the crap out of them. This does make one wonder about who's running the local Youma Union. And whether they get mandatory funeral coverage in their insurance packages.
           "Zirconia," came Nehelenia's voice from inside the mirror. "Why haven't you found the Pegasus yet to free me from this cursed mirror? Surely you've found the beautiful dream that he's hiding within."
           Zirconia (tortoise youma that she was) cleared her throat nervously. "Um...about that whole 'Pegasus' thing. We've hit a teeny little snag, Nehelenia-sama."
           Even in the shadows Nehelenia didn't seem to be impressed in the slightest. "Snag?" she demanded. "We're villains. We don't hit 'snags'. We conquer the world while cackling maniacally."
           "Even still," Zirconia spoke up. "There have been a number of unexpected difficulties. As it is, our ranks have been severely reduced."
           Nehelenia scanned the circus tent, and suddenly realized that all her useless yet obligatory henchmen were missing. "What happened to everyone?" she exclaimed, surprised to say the least.
           "It's something to do with these people called Fanboys," Zirconia explained, trying to ensure that (as usual) the messenger wouldn't get messily vaporized for bringing in the bad news. "Everyone who's gone up against them has failed miserably. And all the females have come back buck naked too. The Amazon Trio quit and joined another circus...which featured something called the Heavyarms Gundam."
           At that Zirconia went silent, her face trying to slide as far into her robes as it could. She didn't want to say anything about the second wave.
           "What about my Amazoness Quartet?" Nehelenia pressed. "Surely they succeeded where those half-witted animals failed."
           Zirconia cleared her throat, the tent suddenly feeling rather hot. "Um...yes, the Amazoness Quartet. Well...ano...they quit too. Yarf-chan--I mean, PallaPalla--led them in a revolt and the foursome left the circus. As far as I know they're...."
           Her voice trailed off ominously.
           Nehelenia leaned as close as she could to the interior of the glass. "They're what?"
           "They're currently the number one team in the Planet Hentai's Strip-Pool tournament held every Friday night."
           Upon hearing this, Nehelenia took it well.
           If you call a demonic hissy-fit a good thing, mind you.
           "THEY WHAT?!" she fumed, her mirror angrily rattling around. "Okay, that's it. No more Nice Mirror Bitch Queen. I'm going to take over this world if it's the last thing I do--starting with these fanboys who've dared to humiliate me!!!"

*           *           *

           However, there was more than one conspiracy going on. Somewhere in the depths of NERV headquarters, another virtual meeting between the members of SEELE was taking place. Gendo was mysteriously absent. Something about Ritsuko handing him a mop after Rei II blew up and saying, "She's your clone, you clean her up."
           The members of SEELE were operating in 'Audio Only' mode. So instead of virtual images of people, a bunch of grey monoliths just stood around the room. And as tempted as one might have been to play dominoes with them, there was a serious mood not to be tampered with.
           Commander Keel, otherwise known as SEELE 01, was the first to speak. "Gentlemen," he said. "I am displeased to say that our Fanboy Instrumentality Project is not proceeding as planned. Gendo has not been following the Marduk report; in fact he has let both the avatars and their author run amok. If we are to fulfil Instrumentality, we must take charge of the project ourselves."
           "Quite right," SEELE 03 added. "Even with one of the fanboys in his employ as an EVA pilot, Gendo has done nothing. He has a different manifesto."
           "How long are we going to let him ruin our hard work and sacrifices?" SEELE 07 demanded. "We must act now to stop him!"
           Commander Keel nodded. "Which is why we have met here today. It is time to put our operatives into action. They have infiltrated the series long enough to be well-versed with its flaws, and the solutions we propose to fix them with."
           The doors to the conference room opened up, and in walked their two covert operatives.
           "Ah, most honourable," Riot remarked, looking around. "Anything-goes martial arts conspiracy-fu. I can do that."
           Ruckus on the other hand was pouting. "I thought you promised me EVA flyboys. If there are no cute bishounen around, I'm leaving."
           "Neither of you are leaving until we've discussed your mission,"
Commander Keel's voice boomed across the room. "Fanboy Instrumentality is depending on your success."
           Riot glared at the SEELE monoliths...at least he might have been glaring. Or squinting. With samurai and their apparently eternally-closed eyes, you can never tell. "No offense," he said. "But we've been doing most honourable cameos for many fics now. I cannot live on such meager paychecks, and must resume my training of making paper dolls by the raging coastal shores."
           He glanced up at Ruckus, who was seated on the ceiling. "And I think we all know what she wants out of the most honourable deal. But I refuse to be inactive for so long. For you always use violence; I should have ordered the glutinous rice chicken."
           All the SEELE monoliths promptly sweatdropped.
           "Actually," Commander Keel said. "You are finally being put into action. All the Fanboys! cast has assembled, and are beginning to resume what could be called a plot. If you are to help set Fanboy Instrumentality into motion, it must be now."
           Riot perked up at that, and Ruckus dropped down from the ceiling. The two otaku were more than thrilled to finally have a job that would mean more screen time in the series.
           "Consider our most honourable contracts renewed," Riot stated, bowing deeply. "I shall commence with anything-goes, martial arts Instrumentality-fu at once!"
           "Hai!" Ruckus added with grand enthusiasm. "And I bet I can raid that Elfgirl's closet of pretty boys in the process too!"
           With that, the two left the conference room.
           The SEELE monoliths paused in a moment of awkward silence.
           "Maybe we should have rechecked the Marduk report," SEELE 04 remarked. "Are we certain those two were selected as the next fanboys?"
           Commander Keel slouched down in his seat, unwilling to admit to the others that the entire Marduk report had been written in crayon.

*           *           *

           And with all that apparently serious plot brewing on the back burner (and smelling like it needs just a hint more of oregano), you just have to ask yourself one question: do I feel cursed? Well, do ya?

Desolation: --;; [dryly] "Gee, let me think."

           [Cue the lovestruck Noonsa fish!]

Noonsa: ^^ "Oooooh, you're so cute! Gimme a kiss!"

Fairy Godbabbit: [nonchalantly flapping around] "A spited lover of yours?"

Desolation: "More like a breakfast come back to haunt me. I don't want fishlips all over me!"

Fairy Godbabbit: "So what do you plan on doing?"

           [Desolation pauses, and then slowly turns to the Godbabbit.]

Desolation: >)

Fairy Godbabbit: o.O "You wouldn't!"

Desolation: [lobbing the Fairy Godbabbit at Noonsa] "I will never forget your noble sacrifice for my happiness!"

Noonsa: [kissing & chasing after the Godbabbit] "Ooooh, you're so adorable! I just want to kiss you all over!"

Fairy Godbabbit: [must go faster!] "This wasn't in my contract!!!"

           Anyhoo, with all the serious stuff out of the way, it's time for us to return to what you all came here for. Um...no, not the hardcore nudity. That's in the next part. But that doesn't mean you should stop reading! I'm sure there's something of value to read in F9!...somewhere.
           Give me a moment and I'll find it.



           Okay, I give up.
           There is nothing of poignant value in this fic. But like that's stopped anyone in this series from ranting before! Ha ha! Let the rampant stupidity begin!
           With Tokyo having been restored, the fanboys were happy to have the tax collectors and construction crews off their backs for once. Added to this was the fact that the summer was almost over; in a few short days, they would be returning to terrorize Jyuban High's faculty once more. With these lazy days passing them by, the fanboys decided to indulge themselves in various things.
           Like installing a new security system to ward off unwanted stampede smitings.
           "Now you see," Dark Mayhem said to Demolition as they stood out in the hallway. "We've reinforced the front door with pure Gundanium metal. You helped us form the doorframe with demon wards too."
           Demolition whistled as he appraised the seemingly normal front door. "It's a good thing you didn't let my brother help with this. Even with the Recovery spells, I think there are still scorch marks on the living room floor from when he tried to power the doorbell with an unstable Shizuma Drive."
           "At least Desolation survived," Dark Mayhem replied. "Though I can't say the same for his eyebrows. Even still nothing's going to get through this baby...except for Havoc or Desolation. But those two are a given. And Anarchy if she uses her AT Field. But other than that, we are set."
           To further his point, Dark Mayhem lightly pounded the door with his fist.
           "Are you sure about this?" Demolition asked. "I admit I'm new here, but you guys get your asses kicked on a regular basis. Won't they just kick the door down as opposed to going through it?"
           Dark Mayhem nodded, quietly closing the door. An evil grin appeared on the uber exploder otaku's face. "I believe a field test is an order," he said. Then he loudly shouted, "OH, HELLO THERE, SUOH-CHAN!"
           From inside the apartment, the overly excited voice of Hysteria could be heard calling out Suoh's name. Demolition instinctively stepped back as he heard the sound of Hysteria charging towards the front door.
But instead of the door exploding from her impact, it only buckled. There was a loud "CLONG!" from the other side, followed immediately by a lifelike facial imprint stuck in the door.
           "See?" Dark Mayhem said, opening the door and strolling into the apartment. "Completely dent-resistant."
           Demolition nodded, following after Dark Mayhem. "I am impressed."
           Neither one seemed to notice the twitching body of Hysteria that was still half-buried in the door, as they closed it shut and joined the other fanboys.
           Carnage was at the dining room table, espousing more of the virtues of the Gundam universe to Pesti-chan. "So in walks Hiiro," Carnage was saying. "Meanest badass in the Gundam Wing series. Newtype god."

Pesti: [???] "What's a Newtype?"

Carnage: [unamused pause] "Shut the fuck up."

           The phone rang, and being the closest Dark Mayhem answered it. He abruptly held the receiver away from his ear as loud series of yowls and hisses came from the other end. "Okay," he said, turning to the other fanboys. "The Ctarl-Ctarls have just declared war on us. Anyone want to take credit for this one?"

Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! I've got Aisha ClanClan's panties! I've got Aisha ClanClan's panties!"

           Dark Mayhem watched Havoc bound through the living room, and then get helped through the balcony door by Carnage and Demolition. "Well, that answers that," he remarked, hanging up the phone.
           Pesti-chan turned to Carnage. "Ne, I figured you would have been the most likely suspect to piss off an alien Nekojin."
           Carnage shook his head. "Wasn't me. The Outlaw Star's been impounded since last Tuesday."
           "You double-parked it on a building again, didn't you?" Demolition asked.
           Carnage remained quite indignant. "Pandemonium's really picky about that kind of thing. It's not like I pulverized all *ten* floors; it was only the top three."
           Everyone turned their heads as a thoroughly bedraggled Chaos limped in through the doorway. He paused momentarily and looked at Hysteria still plastered to the door. Then he shrugged and closed it behind himself.
           "So, the obligatory date with Hotaru went that well?" Dark Mayhem inquired, unable to wipe the smirk off his face.
           Chaos sniffed. "Hmph! I'll have you know that Hotaru and I had a wonderful time at her place...as she bandaged my little broken body up during the movie."
           "What happened?" Pesti-chan asked, moving to the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of Hard Lemonade, he tossed it to Chaos. His aim a little off, Chaos raised his hand to catch it and merely turned his head as he missed the bottle by a few feet.
           There was a startled yelp from the floor as Rampage got clocked in the head.
           Pesti-chan winced. "Okay, when Anarchy comes headhunting, I'm blaming you for that one, Chaos."
           Chaos seemed to still be in shock and only shrugged at the notion of getting pummeled by his evil younger sister. "It all happened so fast," he explained. "Through some stupid happenstance, I was going through Michiru's clothing. After all, they're really nice and I wanted to try them on...especially the dresses!"
           Carnage rolled his eyes. "Pesti-chan, toss me something with a lot of alcohol in it," he said. "I can see where this is going."
           Pesti-chan tossed Hard Lemonade to the other fanboys in the living room. Demolition opted to remove his bottlecap with the Sword of Light.
           "It must have been some quirk of lighting," Chaos continued distantly. "My hair must have looked green in the dim light. Haruka came in, and then french-kissed me. And then she realized it was me in Michiru's clothing."
           By now he had been reduced to a teary SD fanboy, complete with kawaii kitty ears. "The pain," he lamented. "The pain!"
           Serenely reclining in one of the chairs, Xellos sighed. "And who says love doesn't hurt?"
           "Hai hai, Xellos," Chaos sighed, rubbing the back of his sore neck. Abruptly a sweatdrop appeared next to his head. "And just why are you here again?"
           Xellos grinned. "Why else?"
           Chaos shook his head. "Surely a Mazoku like you has *something* to do! And don't tell me it's a secret!"
           With a playful wink, Xellos leaned forward in his chair. "Actually, it's fun because Filia really gets pissed off at me when I join the Elf's harem like this."
           And as if on cue, the front door was kicked (knocking Hysteria out from the slightly dented Gundanium frame), but held. Moments later the doorknob was turned, and in stormed Filia.
           "XELLOS!!!" she snarled, bringing out her big-assed spiked mace.
           Xellos abruptly disappeared, leaving Chaos to fall right in the path of the rampant mace.

Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

           And with a grandiose ricochet effect, Chaos was sent bouncing around the skyscrapers. The other fanboys, who had wisely leapt behind the kitchen counter, peered up at the jetstream Chaos left in his wake.
           "So," Pesti-chan remarked eventually. "Chinese takeout, anyone?"

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