About an hour later, Sarcasm's evening pampering session was unexpectedly interrupted.
"Sarcasm!" a thoroughly bedraggled Chaos snarled, dragging his battered body into her room. "Might I have a word with you?"
"Hai!" Sarcasm called out cheerfully, chest-high in a jacuzzi and surrounded by her entire harem of Speedos-clad Anime studs.
"Could you please restrict your harem to your room!" Chaos exclaimed, launching into an irate SD mode. "I keep taking a beating whenever they show up! Today it was Filia pounding me instead of Xellos, and yesterday it was...was...."
Chaos stopped, his eyebrow twitching as he stared at the dark elf in the jacuzzi. Aburetsubo-sempai smiled and waved to him. "Look, Sarcasm, I...I...I can't do this with a tub full of nekkid Anime guys looking me!"
[Cue an SD Chaos popping up & taking over the fanfic!]
SD Chaos-chan: ^-^ "Ohayo! It's time for another session of Ask Mister Uber Exploder Wizard!"
Roving wind kana: *hwooooooooo*
SD Chaos-chan: ^-^;; "Ano...Ask Mister Uber Exploder Wizard!"
Roving wind kana: *hwooooooooo*
SD Chaos-chan: [punting the roving wind kana] "Where's Dark Schneider? He's supposed to be hosting this segment."
[Cue the SD version of female Havoc-chan!]
SD Havoc-chan: ^-^ "Oh, he's busy having an Arshes Nei nyotaimori at the Planet. I'm his substitute!"
SD Chaos-chan: [deadpan] "You're WHAT?"
SD Havoc-chan: "Hey, I dressed right for the occasion."
SD Chaos-chan: [reading the label on Havoc-chan's clothes] "'Club Minako wear?' Ano...don't aggressive women who chase after you terrify you?"
SD Havoc-chan: ^^v "Remember Rule 3? It needs *no* excuses!"
SD Chaos-chan: --;; "Ah. How quickly I forget. So what are we supposed to be talking about here?"
SD Havoc-chan: "Today, we're going to talk about how Sarcasm maintains her harem! You see, she handpicks only the best bishounen. And she makes sure that no one else gets to use her pretty boys...unless they sign the bishounen out first. But even then, said clients have to go through a thorough background check."
SD Chaos-chan: "Hmmm...are there any annoying masters of disguise who could slip in?"
SD Havoc-chan: "And sample her cookies? The only ones I can think of are Lupin--but he's already on her list--and that female student from the Debutante Detective Corps."
SD Chaos-chan: [nodding] "Hai hai, but odds are Sarcasm could smell the scent of lesbian from across the room. I'm certain yaoi and bishounen have a different scent that she's used to."
SD Havoc-chan: "She could mask her scent. Eau de Golem or something."
SD Chaos-chan: "Odds are the Elf would catch her just in time though."
SD Havoc-chan: ^^ "Speak for yourself."
SD Sarcasm-chan: [with Zanba spatula!] "Hey, it's the author who made me mistake you for male Maze, you perverted twerp!"
SD Havoc-chan: ^-^ "Oro?"
SD Chaos-chan: o.O [ack!] "No, Sarcasm! If you hit him he'll--!"
[Due to Cream Lemon interference, Ask Mister Uber Exploder Wizard will no longer be featured today. We now return you to our regularly schedule fanfic.]
The Benkyo Brigade was silent, each one intensely focused in their thoughts. They stared suspiciously across their private table at each other, no one daring to change their facial expressions. No scantily-clad Aika girl could distract them, no bosomy Variable Geo waitress could cause them turn their heads. In that moment it was a battle of perverted wits and wills.
"Mail call!" Minni-May suddenly exclaimed, skipping in between the tables. "This one's from a Fangirl Holocaust, who writes:
Ohayo! Me and Apo-chan thought up this little poem
that would be good for Havoc:
Roses are red
Violets are yellow
I'd like to see you
In a big tub of Jello!
Minni-May paused and scanned the Email again. "Ano...violets aren't yellow, are they?"
"Either way, it's the perverted thought that counts," Havoc said. "Now then, I believe it's my turn." He slowly turned to the other male members of the Benkyo Brigade, his eyes narrowing as he looked at Jyako Amano. "So...got any of Mai Shiranui's panties?"
Jyaku: "Go Frisk."
Havoc: ^^ "Don't mind if I do!"
And with that, Havoc bounded over the tables and flung himself into the Jello wrestling pit. Dozens of surprised (yet not entirely protesting) shrieks were heard. This startled VesVes, causing her to botch her shot and thus costing the Amazoness Quartet their pool game.
Amazoness nekkid flashes abounded shortly thereafter.
Ryo Saeba: "Hmph! My Mokkori senses are never wrong. You have Morrigan Aeslaed's panties, Charon!"
Ryo: [facevault!] "......"
Havoc returned to the table, happily twirling Mai Shiranui's panties around his index finger. "Well, gentleman, I believe I win this round yet again."
The others groaned and flung their acquired panties onto the centre of the table. But seeing the nekkid JunJun get chased by Carrot Glaces got all of them laughing. Orders of Ecchiccinoes were ordered for everyone as they settled down at their table.
"Aaaah, this is the life," Havoc sighed, his arms around Megumi and Minni-May...and his hands down their shirts. "What say we attend that special pre-reading session for my new Twisted Tales of Tokio Private Police fic?" He turned to Ryo Saeba and Carrot. "The new pledge boys into the Brigade are invited too!"
Ryo and Carrot cheered, and then got into a fight over who would get to keep Kaede Kushinada's panties.
Kintaro's grin abruptly faded. "Ne, Havoc," he said, motioning to the front doors. "Look who got past your new Tobenkyo Unit 01 robot again."
NinNin: ^^ "Havoc! I'm back again, and this time I'm *really* ready!"
Havoc groaned, rolling his eyes in exasperation. "Can't the Big Toenail of Satan and Teacher Bob get those modifications right?" Very unimpressed at the midget ninja in front of him, Havoc asked, "And just what brings you here?"
"I want to be in with the Benkyo Brigade!" NinNin exclaimed. "I've been training to become a better perv every day just so I can join!"
"Look, we've been over this more times than I can count," Havoc said. "The Benkyo Brigade for high-class, high-profile hentai's. Your just a perverted wanna-be who spies on girls in the change rooms. That won't cut it in these ranks."
NinNin scowled. "I can so be an H-class pervert!"
Havoc consulted Jyako Amano. "How'd he do at Jeopardoji?"
Jyako snorted as he slammed back his Ecchiccino. "Moron didn't last past the first round."
"Give me another chance to prove myself!" NinNin exclaimed.
"You've played the damned game a hundred and twelve times already!" Jyako retorted.
"You know the rules," Havoc stated. "Hopeful recruits can only apply for Benkyo Brigade acceptance *after* they've flawlessly answered all the Jeopardoji questions. Even Carrot and Ryo completed that requirement."
NinNin childishly stomped his feet, vehemently refusing to leave. "So what? I'm from one of the most famous hentai animes out there: La Blue Girl! How come I can't get in, and some no-name avatar like Charon is in the Brigade? I want some of the action!"
Charon wagged a finger at NinNin. "Hey, I'll have you know--" He abruptly paused and quickly removed the panty that was hanging off his finger.
Abruptly LingLing leapt up from her table with a startled shriek, as a cool breeze blew past her.
"Gomen!" Charon called out to the Chinese Amazon. He returned his attention to NinNin. "Look, I'll have you know that I've worked hard to be the Hentenno's Ecchi-chan. Being a full-time uberperv takes commitment. You're only as good as your last panty theft. And last I checked, you haven't even managed to pull one of those off."
At this, NinNin started throwing a hissy fit. Some of the Planet Hentai patrons shook their heads and tried to ignore him.
"The little purple twerp just doesn't give up, does he?" Megumi sighed.
Minni-May pulled out one of her pink, lipstick-kissed grenades. "I could see to it he's never heard from again."
"We could put him in the Boobliette," Kintaro offered.
[Cue the obligatory definition bit!]
Boobliette: (n) from the French verb 'oublier', to forget.
1. a place to put annoying perverts to forget about
-Encyclopedia Hentannica, 2000 edition
Without any other way to get rid of NinNin, Havoc realized that desperate hentai's called for desperate measures. A sly Chichiri grin appeared on his face. "Okay," he said. "Tell you what, NinNin: I'll let you into the Benkyo Brigade."
The others at the table tried to raise their voices in adamant protest, but Havoc motioned for silence.
"If," he continued. "you can steal the panties from *that* woman."
Havoc pointed across the club directly at Anarchy, who was boozing it up near the Karaoke machine. NinNin saluted Havoc and said, "Nothin' to it!"
NinNin then bounded off towards the fangirl.
Moments later, a little purple comet was seen hurtling towards the sun at near the speed of light.
Havoc: [sigh!] "I wish I could say I felt sorry for NinNin...but I don't. Now let's get nekkid!"
Benkyo Brigade: ^-^ "Hai!"
It was Monday morning.
The start of a new day--and the start of school.
At the Tendo Dojo, Ranma raced down the stairs and bounded over to the breakfast table. Dressed in his usual Chinese clothes as opposed to an actual school uniform (though this author has yet to figure out why, since Ranma's been at Furinkan for more than a few years), he happily began devouring the contents of his rice bowl. This came to an abrupt and wet end however, when Genma Panda doused Ranma in cold water and tried to steal his rice.
"Hey, get your furry butt back here, Pop!" an irate Ranma-chan snarled, chasing after the fleeing panda. "That's my breakfast, and I'll kick your ass if you eat it!"
Genma Panda: [with sign] *It's illegal to harm an endangered species!*
Ranma-chan: "DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?!"
From where she stood in the kitchen, Kasumi Tendo sighed wistfully as if nothing was wrong. "Oh, those two," she said, returning to the breakfast table.
The other two Tendo sisters were busy eating, with an agitated Akane trying to not show how much she wanted to throttle/kiss Ranma. Nabiki paused from her meal to count up the number of yen she had received from selling pictures of "that mysterious pig-tailed girl" to a still clueless Kuno.
"How is P-chan today?" Kasumi asked.
Akane looked down at the little black piglet sitting in her lap. "Oh, he's fine. He must have wandered in sometime last night."
Kasumi then turned to their other guest. "And how are you today, Deso-chan?"
With a contented smile on his face, Desolation gave her the V-sign. "It's been the first restful sleep I've ever had!" he proudly announced. "For once I didn't wake up, only to see the Mesopotamia spaceship on a crash course heading right for me."
Kasumi leaned over and gently kissed Desolation on the cheek. "If you need anything else, I'll be in the kitchen," she added, giving him an extra plate of food.
Desolation went all teary-eyed as he saw the perfectly presented sushi before him, along with a small bowl of rice that had "Aishiteru!" written in soya sauce on it. "This is the greatest moment of my self-inserted life."
From its place at the table, the Fairy Godbabbit happily devoured a number of the items on the table. "I'm just impressed Shampoo hasn't mistakenly given you the kiss of death," it said between chews. It paused for a moment to duck Genma Panda getting clobbered. Moments later, Ranma's rice bowl fell into its awaiting wings. "She seemed pretty determined to skin you last time you were here."
The Godbabbit turned and waved to Soun Tendo, who was just walking in from the hall. "I hope you washed your hands when you came out of the bathroom!"
Soun: [sweatdrop!] "Um...just what are you?"
Fairy Godbabbit: ^^ "I'm a Fairy Godbabbit!"
Soun: "Ah, I see. Akane, just what kind of friends have you been making at school?"
Finished with his meal, Desolation bowed slightly and then excused himself. "I'm off to Jyuban," he announced to Kasumi.
Kasumi smiled pleasantly as she continued to dice up some vegetables. "It is the start of a new semester. Don't be late for classes."
Desolation puffed out his chest and did a very good 'Love and Peace' Vash the Stampede impression. While giving the V-sign he stated boldly, "I'll probably never find the school, but it's the thought that counts."
And with that, he and the token Fairy Godbabbit headed towards the front entrance of the dojo.
"It's strange," Desolation remarked to the Godbabbit. "Ever since I stumbled across Kasumi and the dojo, I haven't been smited. It's as if the capricious fates suddenly don't want to hurt me."
"What do you expect?" the Fairy Godbabbit replied, happily scarfing down on the contents of Ranma's rice bowl. And it is quite the impressive feat to see a Babbit use chopsticks with his wings. "Kasumi Tendo is a perfect goddess. No one wants to destroy you, and risk her getting caught up in the blast radius."
Desolation nodded, adjusting the backpak on his shoulders. That did make a large degree of sense. In fact, it made a lot of sense. He came to a stop, and pointed up to the skies above.
"It's settled then!" he stated triumphantly. "To stay intact, I'll remain here in the Tendo Dojo until the end of the series!"
Fairy Godbabbit: "So then why are you out in the middle of the street?"
Desolation: o.O;; [erk!]
Instantly Desolation was sat on by the immense Dojo Destroyer. Luckily, Ranma and Akane never had to fight the Dojo Destroyer, for Mipross Island (and all its strange li'l octopi) fell from the sky and squashed him...along with the fanboy still stuck to him.
Desolation: --;; "I assume this is retribution for the Noonsa thing?"
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "You assume right!"
Jyuban High was once again bustling with student life.
Everyone was excited about having to return and meet their old friends--as well as make some new ones. While homework was always something to lament about, they had yet to receive any crushing blows. And so everyone was happily running around and catching up on the summer events.
Dark Mayhem lowered the shades down his nose, taking in the sights of the courtyard. "If Kintaro were here, he'd say it smells like spring," he remarked, watching a couple of fuku-clad girls walk past him.
He got cuffed in the back of the head by Ami-chan for that one. "Stop looking at other women," Ami said. "Otherwise it's the tickle whip for you tonight."
"What makes you think I wasn't thinking about the tickle whip?" he replied with a smirk.
Ami-chan giggled, throwing herself into Dark Mayhem's arms. "Oh, Carrot-chan, you tease!"
A large fireball was suddenly seen rising up from the high school.
"So much for that uniform," Pesti-chan remarked as he hosed the smoky fanboy off with a fire extinguisher. "You're just lucky a teacher didn't toss those disciplinary buckets of water on you."
Dark Mayhem coughed out a cloud of grey smoke, and began to dust off his jacket. Ami also helped...kind of. But in "mistakenly" groping key body parts while dusting him off, she also caused another fantastic series of pyrotechnic displays. And this time a frantic teacher did dump cold water on Mayhem.
Makoto shook her head as she joined Pesti-chan in watching an irate newt impatiently stomp his foot. "There never seems to be a dull moment when you guys are involved," she said.
Pesti-chan consulted his watch. "If this was a normal fic, we'd probably have less readers and a negligible body count. Ne, where's Carnage and Demolition? If they keep this up, they'll be as late as Chaos."
The two fanboys in question showed up a few minutes later.
Demolition shook his head, shuffling into the courtyard. He was followed by Carnage a few steps later. However, Carnage was currently trying to negotiate a ceasefire between Miyu and Rei once again.
Carnage: "Look, I'm at school now. You don't have to fight over who gets to walk me there."
Rei: [grrrr!] "Not a chance. I have to go to that Catholic school, while the vamp queen can still hang around here and hoard you all for herself!"
Miyu: [sticking out her tongue] "At least I won't age and turn into some wrinkled old bat in twenty years."
Rei: "Oh, yeah? Well let's see how good you look with a demon ward stuck to your head!"
What followed was the usual dustcloud melee, and lots of rather unlady-like language. Unfortunately, a stray demon ward struck Pesti-chan in the face, and the ensuing jolt caused him to crack apart. Makoto groaned as 6 li'l SD otaku in shrunken Jyuban uniforms started terrorizing the courtyard. #3 started flipping up the female student's skirts, with an irate #6 chasing after him. A panicky #4 was trying to revive the unconscious #5, who caught a glimpse someone's panties and had promptly passed out.
SD Pesti #2 simply leaned against Makoto's leg. "Kinda makes you wonder how the teachers will survive this year, doesn't it?" he remarked. "Incidentally, did I ever tell you have very supple thighs, Mako-chan?"
Makoto blushed profusely at that.
"Ne," a damp but now human Dark Mayhem said, pointing to Makoto's back. "You do realize you've got someone clinging to you."
SD Pesti #1: ^-^ [with kawaii kitty ears & purring] "Mako-chan...."
Suddenly all the usual madness was cut short by a large blast of energy. All the students leapt back to reveal a very mature Miss Hinako holding up her 5 yen coin. Having drained SD Pesti #6 of his battle aura, she now turned to the other fanboys.
"I will not have troublemakers at this school," she stated, combing her fingers through her long brown hair. "Any of you Jyuban delinquents out there had better be ready to feel the power of the anything-goes martial arts!"
Havoc: ^-^ "Ah, so you're back for more, are you?"
Havoc-chan: ^-^ "Double your perverts, double your fun!"
Miss Hinako's eyes widened, and she slowly turned around to see both Havoc-kun and Havoc-chan in uniform, their Chichiri grins directed right at her. At the risk of stating the obvious, Miss Hinako freaked.
Suddenly both Havocs were pounced on by the horde of SD Pesti-chans. "The last thing we need are two of your hentai battle auras running loose and possessing everyone!" SD Pesti #6 exclaimed. "The Christmasfic fiasco was bad enough!"
And so, as now drafty Miss Hinako chased after Havoc-kun to get her panties back, Havoc-chan joined the other fanboys.
"I still can't believe you both managed to get enrolled as students again, give your track record," Dark Mayhem said dryly.
Havoc-chan looked puzzled. "We enrolled?"
[Cue the facevaults!]