Who says you can't teach an old otaku new fics?


Havoc: @.@ "Oro-oo-oo-oo-oo...."

Pesti: [poking Havoc in the shoulder] "Wow, he's really out of it. I didn't think losing the Royal Thong would hit him this hard."

Demolition: [annoyed] "So I've been hitting him with my Sword of Light for nothing?"

Dark Mayhem: "Exactly! You learn fast--unlike Carnage. It took him a whole season to finally figure out Havoc was immortal."

Carnage: "Well it doesn't hurt to try every weapon in my inventory, does it?"

Chaos: --;; "It doesn't hurt Havoc. But all the rest of us...!!"

Pesti: [poke poke!] "Yet evidently the uberperv of our series is immortal, but not invincible."

Havoc: @.@ "Oro-oo-oo-oo-oo...."

Chaos: [musing to himself] "The Hentenno is dead, long live...the Red Queen?"

Red Queen Kasumi: "WOH HO OH OHO HO HOH!!! Now I am the greatest pervert that ever existed in fanfiction!"

Chaos: o.O [ack!] "Warn me when you're going to do a surprise entrance like that!"

Pesti: "So what happens to Planet Hentai now that Havoc has been deposed?"

Chaos "Indeed, what will happen next? Who will survive?! Oh, the suspense! THE SUSPENSE!!!"

           [Chaos turns to Carnage...who is busy sleeping on the couch.]

Carnage: ^^ "Zzzzzzz...."

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "A-Ano ne...."

Dark Mayhem: [dryly] "Yes indeed, the suspense is just killing us all."

Chaos: "Hush, uber exploder newt-boy!"

Carnage: "zzzzz...DRAGU SLAVE!!!...zzzzzz...."

Chaos: o.O;;

           [Cue the Dragu Slave!]

Chaos: --;; [charred li'l fanboy] "I hate it when he smites in his sleep."

Pesti: "And what's more, Riot and Ruckus have appeared as our Student Council leaders. This can't be good."

Chaos: --;; "And then there's *her*."

Hotaru: ^-^ [bouncy kawaii version!] "Ohayo, Chaos-chan!"

           [All the fanboys sweatdrop upon seeing Hotaru's new size...and bust.]

Dark Mayhem: [slowly turning to Chaos] "Have you been screwing around with the remote control of the gods again?"

Chaos: [kawaii kitty ears.] "No!"

Demolition: "Well if she's ageing like that, you must have pressed fast-forward on her."

Chaos: [panicky SD version of himself] "I didn't touch the remote control of the gods! I didn't do anything! I--!"

           [Chaos is unceremoniously booted out of the intro by Sarcasm & Anarchy!]

Hotaru: [sigh!] "Not again."

Anarchy: [hauling a crate of Sake] "Oh, you guys are still here."

Sarcasm: "Haven't you finished this intro bit yet?"

Carnage: ^^ "...zzzz...An-chan...."

           [Carnage is abruptly catapulted out of the intro bit by an AT Field!]

Anarchy: "DON'T call me An-chan."

Pesti: [eyebrow twitch!] "Just what are you two doing here?"

Sarcasm: ^^v "It's time for my Bishounen Hour of Power, featuring the toned muscles of all my favourite bishies!"

           [Cue the facevaults as a line-up of bishounen in Speedos walk on!]

Dark Mayhem: [glancing at Anarchy] "So why are you here?"

Anarchy: [shrug!] "She's paying for the Sake."

Demolition: [ripping his shirt off] "Ha! You prettyboys call those muscles toned? Look at these!!"

Dark Mayhem: [grabbing a bottle of Sake] "I think I'm going to need one too at this rate."

Anarchy: [punting Demolition from the intro bit!] "Hey! No doing that while I'm sober!"

Pesti: "Um...guys? What about this evil conspiracy threatening our fics?"

Hotaru: [impatiently tapping her foot] "What about my Chaos-chan?"

Havoc: @.@ "Oro-oo-oo-oo-oo...."


           [Cue the fanfic!]





The Super-Deformed Gang's All Here.


FANBOYS IRRELEVANT, F9: KOF (KING OF FANFICS)!!!



Part II: The Silence Glaive of the Lambs




Hotaru Lector: "I ate Chibiusa's pure heart with some fava beans and a fine Chianti. *slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp!*"

           [On the other side of the prison cell, an unamused Pesti-chan (dressed up as Jodie Foster) stands and watches.]

Pesti: --;; "Why do I have to be in this scene?"

Dark Mayhem: "Because Chaos got his pantyhose caught on the zipper of his cocktail dress, and couldn't change in time for this scene."

Pesti: [eye roll!] "Again?!"

*            *            *

           At a prestigious golf club in Tokyo, many of the patrons were using the warm evening to improve their game. Only the richest of the rich attended this place. And only occasionally would there be trouble...like when GENOM president Quincy ran afoul with Sylia Stingray on what used to be the 18th hole (now known as the 18th crater).
           The driving range was very popular around this time of the evening. There wasn't enough sunlight left to play a full 9 holes of golf, but one could easily just start swatting balls all over the place.
           Even still, some of the club members were a little surprised when Setsuna strolled onto the driving range, dressed in an athletic ensemble of her own design. Whereas most other golfers would try to improve their swings on all their clubs, Setsuna only carried a 3-wood. Without saying a word she strolled up to her designated driving stall.
           She then hoisted a Chibi-Havoc-chan up by the collar, and set the shrunken pervert on the golf tee.

Chibi-Havoc-chan: ^-^ "Oro?"

           And with a very determined look on her face, Setsuna drew back the 3-wood and then walloped the Chibi-Havoc across the driving range. Her serious expression still remained, despite the Chibi-Havoc's jetcream splooting her entire frontside.
           Ignoring the stunned looks from the other golfers, Setsuna grabbed a towel and wiped her face off.
           Abruptly her cellular phone rang.
           Setsuna switched it to her headset.
           "Moshi moshi?" she asked, as she lined up another Chibi-Havoc. "Oh...it's you. Look, we have got to talk about renegotiating my contract for the series. You promised me a dignified role, and I have yet to see you live up to your part of the deal...I don't care if you *are* the author!"
           She swung the club back, poised to deliver the catapulting blow.
           "What? Evil threatening the fic...fanboys and Senshi in danger...okay okay, I'll help. Just hang on."

           *WHAP!*

Chibi-Havoc: ^-^ "Hotchaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

Setsuna: [with the headset] "Hm? Oh, nothing. Do continue."

*            *            *

           "You've got to be kidding me!" Havoc-kun exclaimed, staring at his Ecchi-chan in dumbfounded surprise. "You're quitting as my apprentice?"
           Charon nodded, his bags of stolen panties already packed. "Hai. Don't make this any harder than it already is, Havoc. But after you lost the Royal Thong, I suddenly realized that I'm not reaching my true hentai potential under your perverted leadership."
           After losing the duel, Havoc had left the ruins of Hentopia completely disillusioned. The trauma of no longer being able to fondle his Royal Thong had to be cleansed from his system. However, he had botched the first Jeopardoji question, and so Ruruboss flushed him into the Skima Realm.
           Tenaciously he had climbed back up and got to the large panty that was the door to his inner sanctum. Yet with his Brashido in disarray, Havoc discovered that he couldn't stroke the panties right to let him into El Dojirado.
           Forced to return to Planet Hentai, the former Hentenno had suddenly found himself faced with this. Havoc glanced around at the people in the club; his outburst had startled everyone. The rambunctious music of "Junk
Boy" screeched to a halt, the eyes of every pervert and scantily clad Anime babe suddenly on him.
           Havoc turned his attention back to his Ecchi-chan. "So you'vebecome a ronin hentai?"
           "Not quite...." Charon replied.

           [Cue Red Queen Kasumi, wearing the Royal Thong!]

Red Queen Kasumi: "WOH OH HO OH OHO HO!! Ara ara, Havoc-kun, it would appear your apprentice has discovered a new hentai to call Mistress. I do hope you don't mind too much."

Charon: [bowing before her] "Jo'o-sama!"

Yoiko: --;; [sweatdrop!] "So what does that make me?"

           "Ne, Havoc-kun," Red Queen Kasumi asked. "What do you think of your Ecchi-chan's defection? It's not too hard on you, is it?"
           The bubbling Jello in Havoc's brain could be heard as he tried to wrap his mind around the fact this once loyal protege was now perving for his greatest nemesis. Visibly confused, Havoc gestured to Charon and then to Red Queen Kasumi. He tried to say something, but couldn't. He then gestured to Charon again, and back over to Red Queen Kasumi.
           "I give up trying to figure this one out," he conceded. "I can figure out the riddle of 'What is the sound of one tentacle being naughty', but this is just ridiculous."
           "Why?" Charon asked defensively.
           "Moshi moshi?" Havoc called out loudly, playing with Skimehime-chan's whip. "Charon, she has a *whip*! I never use a whip. It's all about the hands...and tentacles...and strap-ons. Rule 3 and S&M rarely bump and grind well together: it's a known fact in hentai Anime."
           Yet Charon clung to the fishnet stockings of his new Hentenno. "I don't care. I'm going to learn about the Perv from her."
           Havoc shot Red Queen Kasumi a dirty look, but she easily deflected it from stealing her panties. Leisurely swinging her whip around, Skimehime-chan sauntered across the dance floor and adjourned into Havoc's private office. Charon happily bounded right after her, the door shutting closed behind them.

Yoiko: --;; [knocking on the door] "Ano...I'm an Ecchi-chan too. Moshi moshi?"

           Havoc shook his head and started to walk away. Abruptly he paused upon realizing something. "Should I have warned her about the omnilingus chair?" he remarked aloud.
           Suddenly Red Queen Kasumi's startled shriek echoed across Planet Hentai.

Havoc: ^-^ "Nah!"

*            *            *

           At the Eto Cafe Nam, things were going as well as they could for Sae the waitress. Her little Jeff-kun teddy bear dangling at the front end of her broom, she frantically tried to fly straight and carry her orders with one hand.
           In theory the concept worked.
           But Sae quickly discovered that in reality, she was no Kiki.
           "Gomen nasai," she meekly apologized, bowing her head to her ramen-covered customer.
           Chaos waved it aside. "Daijobu," he reassured the insecure magician. "I can just let Catastrophe-chan suck the broth out from my hair later."
           He turned to Hotaru, who was still trying to contain her laughter about how ridiculous Chaos looked with a ramen bowl on his head. On the other side of the table, Haruka didn't even bother trying to hide her laughter.
           "So did you enjoy your first day back at Jyuban?" Michiru asked, returning to their conversation before Chaos had gotten a run-amok broomstick up the nose and noodles hanging off his face.
           Chaos discreetly spat out a noodle. "I guess," he replied, nervously fidgeting in his chair. "Carnage blew our new teacher through the ceiling this morning, and in the afternoon I got mowed down by a bunch of girls chasing after Havoc-chan."
           Every now and again his eyes would warily glance over at Hotaru, sizing up her new height...and cup size. But then Haruka would slam the Space Sword onto the table, Chaos would freak out and literally hit the ceiling, and things would resume to normal.
           If you would call this normal.
           But since this is the fanboys, this is quite normal. And the world's a better place because of it. Yes, thanks to this series you now have found meaning in your go nowhere, do nothing, short and pointless otaku lives.
           ^-^ Ne?
           Anyhoo, Hotaru was fawning over Chaos--much to his blood pressure's dismay. "I couldn't wait for the day to be over," she told him. "I was just lucky Michiru-momma and Haruka-poppa had to take me clothes shopping in the afternoon, or I would have never made it."
           She leaned back in her chair, letting Chaos see her very black and rather tight shirt. "Do you like it?"
           Chaos beamed. "Hotaru-chan, it's to die for!" He started to laugh, trying to hide his fear as he glanced over at Haruka. "No really...I might get killed because of it."
           Still laughing, he leaned over the table to Michiru. "Why is she getting so big all of a sudden? Last I checked, she wasn't Yuki from the Mosquiton OVAs."
           As calm and sophisticated as ever as she sipped her tea, Michiru replied, "We were going to ask you that same question. Whenever something like this happens, you're *always* the cause."
           Chaos facevaulted right into the table. "Didn't you read the obligatory intro bit?" his muffled voice said through the table cloth. "I didn't touch the remote control of the gods this time!"
           "Chaos-chan!" Hotaru said sharply, giving her would-be boyfriend a very stern glare. "Are you saying you don't like my new look?"
           Chaos' eyes ballooned out as he glanced over to Haruka, who was now sharpening her Talisman. Kawaii kitty ears popping up from his hair, he nervously laughed her suspicions aside. "Of course not, Hotaru!" he soothed the angered girl. "It'll be nice not having the rest of the guys say I have a Lolita Complex. But...I've never seen a growth spurt quite like yours before."
           "All this happened within a few hours," Michiru explained, taking another sip of her tea. "By the time we were ready to drive to Jyuban and meet you, her shirt was straining against her chest."
           Hotaru blushed profusely as Chaos just lapsed into a catatonic eyebrow-twitching state. "Michiru-momma!" Hotaru exclaimed.
           Haruka slowly turned to look at Michiru. "How can you say that so calmly in public?"
           "It's the truth, isn't it?" Michiru answered, giving her partner a knowing smile. "Can you handle the truth, love?"
           Haruka scowled at Chaos. "Not when the truth is dating him."
           Hotaru put her hands on her hips. "Well, I like what's happening," she stated. "I'm growing up again, and can finally live like a teenager." She then happily latched onto Chaos' arm. "If this keeps up, I can go to Jyuban to be with my Chaos-chan too! We can date morning, noon and night!"
           There was dead silence as the three other occupants at the table stared at Hotaru in utter disbelief, the kana for "Courting Disaster?" scrolling in behind them. Moments later, Sae crashed her broom into the kana and dropped yet another order onto the floor.

Sae: ;_; "Gomen nasai."

Gan-chan the mouse: [flattened by a sushi platter] "D-Daijobu...."

Nurse Chibi-Urd: "Oooh, that looked painful. We need to get this mouse to surgery, stat!"

Gan-chan: o.O "WHAT?!"

Nurse Chibi-Skuld: ^-^ "Don't worry! I'm sure my hyper-action vacu-suck machine is working fine this time...even if we haven't found your colon yet from last time's test run."

Gan-chan: [being dragged across the floor by Urd] "USOOOOOOOO!!!"

           Michiru abruptly looked up from her tea. "Ne, does anyone else feel a draft?"
           Suddenly Havoc-chan came crashing down onto the table, much to everyone's surprise. The girl-type uberperv's body was twitching profusely, and for a moment she could have easily been mistaken for Chaos in Haley mode after a smite.
           "Ah, komban wa, Nagumo-san," Hotaru said cheerfully.
           Havoc-chan's eyebrow twitched as she appraised her empty hands. "Na ni? I could have sworn I grabbed Haruka's boxers."
           Michiru nonchalantly leaned over and pulled on the waistline of Haruka's pants. "Nope," she announced. "I can still feel them down there."
           Much to everyone's surprise, Michiru then yanked Haruka out of her chair and onto the table. "But there's no reason for it to stay that way!" she exclaimed, pulling off Haruka's shirt.
           "If that's the way it's going to be," Haruka retorted with a catlike grin, flipping Michiru's sundress up. "Then I'm not going to be nekkid alone!"
           "I'll give into peer pressure too!" Chaos stated boldly, pulling out his henshin and going Haley. Now a bouncy female in a fuku, he--er, she leapt onto the tangle of Outer Senshi.
           Havoc-chan grinned, reaching in and fondling a moaning Haruka's bosoms. "I can feel myself getting a second wind, with all this Rule 3 to inspire me!"

Takeo-sempai: ^^ [getting a nosebleed] "And then they'd...and then they'd...."

Aburatsubo: [sliding a hand down Takeo's shirt] "Takeo-kun, you're fantasizing again."

Takeo: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! GET YOU HANDS OUT OF THERE!!"

           Chaos shook his head as the shonen ai, Magic Club VP started to chase after the loudly protesting club president. He returned his attention to the twitching hentai on the table. "What's with you?"
           Havoc-chan didn't answer him, only staring at her hands in disbelief. "I missed stealing a woman's underwear. But this can't be...I've never missed."
           "You know what they say about hentai when it reaches a certain age," Haruka said with a vicious smile. "It never performs up to your standards."
           Havoc-chan whirled, pointing at Haruka. "The uberperv never tires! And hentai is forever!" With that said, she hopped off the table and got into a battle stance.
           Chaos grabbed Hotaru's chair and scuttled them both away from the battlefield. Michiru merely sighed as she adjourned with her tea cup to another table.
           "Don't mind them," she said to the blonde guy at the table as she took a seat next to him. "They're always like this."
           "That doesn't matter," Vash the Stampede stated, launching into one of his more ridiculous expressions. "The fanfic is made of love and peace!"
           Meanwhile, Haruka shook her head as she brandished her Space Sword at Havoc-chan. "So what do you expect to do?" she inquired. "If your primary attack has failed, what else do you have to fall back on?"
           Havoc-chan broke in her Chichiri grin. "Why this, of course. HAPPOKEN!!"
           Out from the sleeves of Havoc-chan's DOJI BOY sweater erupted a massive surge of Cream Lemon, hordes of swimsuit-clad Happosai's riding the crest of the wave.
           "Hotcha!" they all chorused, converging upon the hapless Outer Senshi.
           But Haruka only smiled to herself. "Baka," she muttered, reaching back and unclipping her bra. "You tried this trick on me once already. It won't work a second time." She flung her bra across the Eto Cafe Nam and shouted, "Happoken Counter-Stroke!"
           Instantly the wave of Happosai's veered, their course changing to follow after Haruka's bra. "A brassier! A brassier!" they happily shouted.

Takeo-sempai: [catching the floating bra in his hands] "Na ni? (o.O) Th-This is--!!"

Happosai's: [pouncing on Takeo] "That's our bra!!"

Takeo: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Aburetsubo: [sigh!] "Oh, Takeo-kun. Looks like I'll have to be your nurse for the next week. (^-^) I can't wait to give you a sponge bath."

           Havoc-chan gawked as Aburetsubo dragged the poor battered Takeo-sempai off. Her entire body was shaking, the shock to her system too great. "The Happoken didn't work," she said, unable to believe it.
           She was suddenly and acutely aware of Sailor Uranus' shadow looming over her.

Havoc-chan: ^-^;; "Um...oro?"

Uranus: "WORLD SHAKING!!!"

           Chaos winced, instinctively covering Hotaru's eyes as Havoc-chan was struck at point-blank range by the Outer Senshi's attack. With a satisfied sigh, Haruka reverted back to her unusual self. "That felt good," she stated, sauntering away from the back of the Eto Café Nam...which was now covered in whipped cream.

Waitress Nanaka: --;; "I am not cleaning this up."

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