Skipping the obligatory Student Council elevator bit just because it's too silly and would thusly destroy the integrity of the series, let's cut to the actual scene!
Riot and Ruckus glanced over to the elevator car as the doors opened and out bounced everyone's favourite cleavage--er, revamped Sexaroid Boomer, Pandemonium.
Pandemonium walked into the student council room, carrying with her a stack of papers. "These," she said, irately dropping them onto the table. "are truancy reports I've had to fill out since this morning. There are students milling around everywhere! They're not going to classes; they're just staring at their silly mirrors. Not even my body
cavity searches have managed to get them moving!"
Riot & Ruckus: "......"
"It's like I'm back with the F! Files," Pandemonium lamented. "Care to tell me what's going on?"
Riot could only shrug. "I don't know. This most dishonourable disturbance threatens our Instrumentality-fu. And I suspect the fanboys might be a part of it somehow."
"Want me to strip search them for you?" Pandemonium asked, her naughty tentacles of justice deploying.
Riot sweatdropped and shook his head. "Um...no. I want to find out just how much the fanboys are aware of our most honourable plans. We will still keep our student council credentials, but I wish to call the fanboys here for a most honourable challenge of anything-goes martial arts face off-fu."
Ruckus rolled her eyes as she flopped out on her beanbag...which was now on the ceiling.
[Fanboy's Note: don't ask me how their furniture does this. I vote for the handy ninja's secret weapon: a staplegun.]
"What's with you samurai and always wanting to face your opponents?" Ruckus asked. "Don't you know that samurai usually get killed when they do that?"
Riot turned to Pandemonium in annoyance. "Pay no attention to the ninja. They do not understand the most honourable bushido of the samurai." He added scathingly, "And they always use anything-goes martial arts sneak attack-fu!"
"What's so bad about that?" Ruckus sniffed. "The bishounen have no idea what groped them when I pounce."
Pandemonium glanced down at the floor as Riot promptly facevaulted. With a sigh that triggered a sudden 6.0 jiggle on the Gainax Bounce-o-meter, she headed back for the elevator.
Pandemonium: [lament] "It's like working with the cast of Dragon Half."
SD Damaramu: "Ha! Surely you don't mean that I, a brilliant soldier with a compact brain, am not that stupid!"
Pandemonium: [naughty tentacles of justice: deploy!] "You more than anyone, you super-deformed twit! Get over here!"
SD Damaramu: o.O [eep!] "It appears that I, Damaramu, shall regret this."
"I've never seen the courtyard this deserted at lunch," Chaos said, looking around. There were a number of students who were not gazing at some mirror, but their ranks weren't exactly the most impressive of things to take notice of.
"On the bright side," Makoto said as she and Pesti-chan sat together beneath one of the trees. "We're actually able to get this prime eating spot for once."
Everyone sat down to eat--though Carnage had a little trouble when a quiet giggle came from above him in the tree. Moments later a red ribbon snaked down, wrapped up Carnage and then hoisted him up into the leaves.
Miyu: ^-^ [spoon-feeding Carnage sushi] "Open wide, Carnage-chan."
Carnage: "You know, if you wanted to have lunch with me, asking tends to get a better response than kidnapping."
"Ne, could you stop rattling the branch?" Dark Mayhem asked. "We're getting twigs in our rice down here, Carnage."
Chaos happily opened up his Bento box. "Itadakimasu!"
Rampage: ^-^ [popping out from the box] "CHU CHU!"
Chaos: "You ate my lunch?! Bad SD Godzilla-thingy! Bad--(o.O) KYAAAAAAA!! She wants my arm for desert!"
The others watched a rather hysterical Chaos tear across the school grounds for a few moments, and then calmly went back to eating their own lunches.
Dark Mayhem was about to take a bit from Ami-chan's cookies, but then his face was unceremoniously sent into the grasses as Ruckus leapt onto his back.
"Oooh, what a studmuffin," Ruckus purred, clinging to the uber exploder fanboy as she kissed him on the cheek.
"Hey, get off me!" Dark Mayhem snapped, trying to shake off Ruckus. "Dammit, I'm not the avatar with the Tenchi Masaki syndrome!"
He managed to shake Ruckus off himself, but she vaulted through the air. Her effortless landing and playful wink only further prodded Dark Mayhem's wrath.
"There's only one babe who can literally light my fire," he stated, summoning a spell. "And it's Ami-chan! "VENOM!!"
And with a great dramatic fury...nothing happened.
Scrolling wind kana: *hwooooooo....*
"Strange," Dark Mayhem said. "Usually they blow up when I do that."
"Your spell should have worked," Chaos said. "After all, she kissed you. When you and Dark Schneider were merged, your spells could be unleashed if you were kissed by a...virgin girl."
The fanboys warily eyed Ruckus.
Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "It's always the fangirls who get whatever they want in our series."
"I must apologize for her most dishonourable behaviour," Riot said as he and Pandemonium approached the fanboys. "The Student Council usually has a different technique for anything-goes martial arts greeting-fu."
"So what is the Student Council doing here?" Minako asked.
From his perch up in Miyu's surprisingly strong arms, Carnage warily glanced down at Pandemonium. "Aside from the daily frisking."
"We wished to speak with you about all these recent problems with the most honourable student body," Riot replied. "Would you like to join us in the student council office over this most honourable lunch hour?"
"So long as we don't have to do the Utena elevator thing," Chaos replied. "I have bad memories about that." He scowled and muttered to himself, "'Break Chaos!' What was Greenbeans thinking when she wrote that part of the Bean Wars?"
Pandemonium abruptly stiffened, standing straight up as if sensing an approaching danger. "Anyone feeling a curious draft?" she inquired.
On cue, Havoc-kun crashed headlong into the tree trunk, the entire tree shuddering on impact. Luckily for Carnage and Miyu though, their fall was nicely cushioned by Havoc.
Carnage & Miyu: ^-^v "Wai!"
"Pan-chan!" Havoc said cheerfully as he staggered in disorientation around the Sexaroid. "I didn't know we made three versions of you."
As his blurred vision cleared, Havoc saw that there could indeed only be one big-breasted Sexaroid Boomer working as an AD Police officer in this series. Not that it would be a bad thing if there were more Pan-chan Boomers around....
Pandemonium: [releasing her naughty tentacles at the author] "Don't make me come out there, buddy."
Back to the fic which will only ever feature one Pandemonium, Havoc groaned when he realized he was without Pan-chan's silken treasures.
"Ano...he steals your most honourable panties?" Riot asked, his eyebrow twitching.
Pandemonium nodded. "Usually before I can blink. Otoka-san seems a little off today."
Riot growled at Havoc, "Just how is it you can steal their panties so damned fast anyways?"
"It's an ancient technique I mastered long ago," Havoc replied, dusting his DOJI BOY sweater off. "The Kaachu Tenshin Amapantiken."
Chaos turned to Dark Mayhem. "Oh, not this again."
"Ah, so that is your secret," Riot said with a nod. "Very well, I challenge you to a most honourable duel of anything-goes martial arts panty stealing-fu."
"Hm," Havoc mused. "Challenging me in that? Does this guy strike anyone else as being a few panties short of a plethora?"
[Cue the facevaults!]
Riot grinned, making a rather ridiculous ballet pose with his katana. "Careful. I learned my fighting style alongside Himura Kenshin: the Hiten-Mitsurugi-Ryu!"
"You can show him who's the perv, Na-chan!" Minako called out, removing her panties and flinging them into the air.
Both Havoc and Riot pounced on the floating panties, each one reaching out their arms and making rapid fire punches to snatch it from the air before the other. Yet with each strike, the other blocked it. For the longest time, it looked as if Minako's panties were just hovering in the air, Riot and Havoc's hands moving so fast that they were barely even visible as blurs.
Riot: ^^ "Ha! My one-handed panty-fu is better than your panty-fu."
Havoc: [argh!] "This is ridiculous! I know I'm faster than this."
And it went on like this for ten minutes.
By now everyone was just lounging around on the grass, no one really paying attention as to who was winning.
"This has to be the most pointless scene in the history of our entire series," Pesti-chan said. With a sigh he turned to Carnage to end the duel. But after seeing Carnage flailing around as Miyu tried to tie him up with her kimono's large bow, Pesti-chan opted to go with Demolition.
"Demolition, if you please," he said, gesturing to the two combatants.
Demolition nodded as he rolled off the lawn. "Hai hai. One Sword of Light special coming up."
Pulling out the sword and unleashing its crackling blade, Demolition expertly cleaved the weapon between Havoc and Riot. Both fanboys leaped back in surprise, though Minako's underwear was unscathed.
"Most dishonourable," Riot said, looking at a trickle of blood that ran down his palm. "I got pricked by the tip of your sword!"
Minako: ^-^ "Well, you know what they say: a prick in the hand is worth two in the bush!"
[Cue the facevaults!]
"Is it just me, or are the Minakoisms getting worse?" Makoto lamented.
Dark Mayhem rubbed the bridge of his nose in pain. "Unfortunately, it's not just you."
"Will you get off me?!" Chaos exclaimed, pulling out a crowbar and trying to pry an amorous Ruckus off himself. "If Hotaru sees you glomping onto me, Haruka will whip my cute yet poundable butt for certain!"
Ruckus giggled and ran a fingertip down Chaos' cheek. "Aw, can't I spank your cute yet poundable butt instead?"
Quoth the agitated li'l otaku: "NO!!!"
Delicately retrieving Minako's panties, Demolition returned them to the proper blonde owner.
Minako: [putting her panties back on] "Ooh, they're so warm!"
Demolition: o.O "If anyone needs me, I'll be taking a cold shower."
Havoc-kun shook his head at having been unable to steal yet another Anime babe's underwear. "My mojo'o-sama has never been this much out of alignment before."
Pesti-chan pointed to the ground around Havoc. "Maybe it has something to do with that marking."
Ami leaned forward to examine it. "Ano...according to the kana, it's a Hentagram."
[Cue more facevaults!]
Pesti: --;; "With Havoc, I should have known."
"This is my last line of defense," Havoc stated proudly. "The Hentagram is my protective barrier; it's what triggers my Cream Lemon detonation whenever I get smited." He frowned. "But it's always been invisible until now."
"Really?" Carnage asked pleasantly, cracking his knuckles as he suddenly bounded out of Miyu's grip. "How about we test its durability?"
Dark Mayhem handed Ami an umbrella. "You're going to want this for the next few minutes," he said, opening his own umbrella up.
Carnage: "SCATTER BLEED!"
Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"
But unexpectedly, Havoc got blown away by the Slayers spell. A jetstream of CL in his wake, the uberperv shot straight into the sky and then came crashing down in a stunned heap.
Carnage: ^-^v "Victory!"
Carnage still tried to keep the victorious smile on his face despite his entire frontside now covered in Cream Lemon. The other fanboys (who were completely dry) chuckled, and even the girls had trouble in keeping from laughing.
"Even when he's down on his luck, he can still one-up you, Carnage," Chaos snickered.
Chaos was abruptly sandwiched by a VOTOM that fell from the sky and landed on him.
Suddenly a loud voice boomed across the campus, "Delinquent students, prepare to face the wrath of the Ultimate Teacher!"
The fanboys all facevaulted as a familiar human-cockroach hybrid stepped out from behind the corner of the school.
Ganpachi had indeed returned.
"Now then!" he proclaimed. "I shall take you delinquent students down one by one, starting with the pervert!"
Havoc, who was still dazed from having his Hentagram broken, looked up. "Oro?"
Suddenly Ganpachi tore his pants off, revealing the Royal Thong girding his loins!
At the risk of stating the obvious, Havoc promptly freaked. His jaw hit the ground as the kana for "sacrilege!" scrolled in behind him, and bonked Chaos on the side of the head.
"How's this?" Ganpachi crooned, letting loose a triumphant cackle. "I now present to you the ultimate Havoc Humiliation March!"
Suddenly the entire courtyard was filled with yaoi boxers, each of them wearing an exact replica of the Royal Thong. Havoc's shock could barely be contained as he stared at them.
Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Oh, great. Now what the hell are those yaoi boxers from MSTfic 3 doing here?!"
Dark Mayhem: "Schwinging. Incidentally, Pesti-chan, you had best avert your eyes."
The fanboys closed their eyes and the shielded the eyes of the gawking Senshi as the yaoi boxers flexed their hairy legs and started to march in step with Ginpachi.
"ZUM ZUM ZUM!"
Abruptly they all started thrusting their pelvises forward.
"Uh, guys," Demolition said, discreetly heading for cover. "You had better take a good look at Havoc."
Havoc-kun's entire body was shaking, his eyes wide and glazed over as he saw the Royal Thong clinging to those big, beefy and hairy thighs. The Jello percolating his brain hit the breaking point and bubbled over.
"HERETICS!!" he bellowed, his hentai battle aura exploding so fiercely that the entire sky went Dragon Pink. He stepped back, channelling every last ounce of power his enraged form had. "How dare to treat the thong of thongs like this," he hissed. "HIRYU SHOTEN BRA!!!"
The immense power of his attack was so great that every last brassiere in the school came to life--even though it was the middle of the day. Female students shrieked as their chests suddenly heaved, and their sailor-style shirts were torn apart by the carnivorous bras being unleashed.
Fanservice ran wild.
Much rejoicing was made!
Catatonic students: [still looking at their mirrors] "......"
Chaos turned his head, only to get a facefull of Makoto's bosom as her bra took off. Makoto and Pesti-chan promptly clobbered him for it.
The skies grew dark as the bras from all around the Jyuban district flew across the air, coming together to form an immense tentacled creature whose immense size blocked out the sun. With a deafening roar, the Doji demon pounced on Ginpachi.
But Ginpachi held his ground, strangely confident as he stood there with his hands on his hips.
Suddenly in stepped the child version of Miss Hinako, who cupped her hands into the shape of a circle. "This time for certain, I'll stop you," she stated with great determination. "Jyuban High has heard the last of this delinquent pervert!"
The full force of Havoc's hentai battle aura slammed into her-but instead of freeing Havoc's aura to possess other people, Hinako absorbed every last bit of it. Her body grew to incredibly strokable proportions.
Nosebleeds from the male student population abounded!
As the intense blast of light faded, Chaos dared to open his eyes and peek out at the school grounds. "Ano...what happened to Havoc?" he asked.
Left in a smoking crater, his entire hentai battle aura having been sucked dry from his body, was Havoc. He twitched slightly and gave a dazed look to the heavens. "Panties...panties for Havoc?" he warbled.
There was dead silence on the Jyuban High schoolyard.
Everyone was too stunned to speak.
"I don't believe it," Demolition said, still caught by the shock of what they had just seen. "Havoc...was just defeated in battle. As much as I hate to admit it, that sounds just unnatural to say."
"He didn't even have a chance to do his Cream Lemon thing either," Dark Mayhem added. "Hinako really ran him into the ground."
"You mean she actually succeeded at what I've been trying to do since the start of last season?!" Carnage exclaimed indignantly, starting to sulk. "Oh, this is just unfair."
Pesti-chan glanced over to Chaos. "I thought you said Havoc was protected on high by Shabraficdo."
Chaos nodded. "Something like this must be an omen," he stated solemnly. "We might be facing our biggest threat yet, Pesti-chan. Who knows what plot twists await us, what villains are wanting to face us?"
He turned to the other fanboys, a deadpan look on his face. "You know, this makes me feel so inspired...that I want to do a retro 70's Anime montage!"
Moments later he was mowed down by the Mach 5, and then clobbered by the Yamato.
Carnage: >) "I hate retro montages, but the irony was too fun to leave out."
Suddenly who should drop out from the skies above for no apparent reason (not to mention a few feet shy of stealing Miss Hinako's panties) but Havoc-chan! Groggily picking herself off the ground, the girl-type uberperv gaped in horror at her fallen comrade.
"Havoc!" she exclaimed, holding the shrivelled Havoc-kun in her arms. "What happened? Speak to me!"
"Panties for Havoc?" Havoc-kun warbled.
Havoc-chan gently set Havoc-kun onto the ground, and then leapt to her feet. "Fear not, for your perversions shall not be in vain," she stated. "I shall avenge you. All I have to do is get something Miss Hinako values greatly, so she will trade it for returning your hentai battle aura."
And with that, Havoc-chan lunged for the busty Miss Hinako.
"Hotcha!" Havoc-chan exclaimed, a set of underwear in her hand. "My Kacchu Tenshin Amapantiken has returned to me. I've got your panties now!"
Miss Hinako looked at Havoc-chan, slightly bewildered. "No, you don't."
Ruckus abruptly jumped as she felt a draft. "Hey, those were mine!" she exclaimed. "Give those back; they were autographed by Wufei personally."
With an exasperated sigh, Havoc-chan nodded and held out her hand. Then she noticed something a little...different about Ruckus' silken treasures.
"Na ni?!" Havoc-chan mused, taking a closer look at the underwear. "A banana hammock? What kind of a girl wears men's briefs like this?"
Her eyes widened in revelation.
"That's it!" Havoc-chan exclaimed, rather pleased to have solved the enigma. "That's why kissing Mayhem didn't result in unleashing Dark Schneider's spell! That's why she's wearing briefs! Ruckus a bishounen! Ruckus is a man!"
Havoc-chan: o.O;; "Ruckus is a man?! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
And naturally Havoc-chan freaked, tossing the briefs up into the air, grabbing Havoc-kun and then racing off into the distant horizon. As the dustcloud in her wake leisurely dissipated, the student population of Jyuban gawked at Ruckus.
"I'm feeling a little self-conscious with all this attention," Ruckus said shyly, making a demure pose.
"Hang on," Chaos said loudly, raising his hands for everyone to remain calm. "I'm somewhat of an expert on cross-dressing, so I think I can put your fears to rest. I'm certain Ruckus is a woman. No man can look *this* beautiful in an outfit like that. Believe me, I've tried."
He confidently strolled over to Ruckus, grabbed hold of the edges of Ruckus' uniform, and pulled them back. A sweatdrop appeared next to his head as he saw a bare chest instead bared bosoms. Very calmly he folded Ruckus' uniform closed, and gave the cloth a friendly pat.
Chaos turned around to the other fanboys.
Chaos: [trying not to panic] "She's a bishounen."
"Oh, did I forget to mention that?" Ruckus asked innocently as she--er, he looked at the line of fanboys suddenly cowering against the wall.
Everyone vehemently nodded.
"This is like the Crying Fic," Dark Mayhem said.
"But he's so good at being a girl," Minako whispered.
"I still look cuter in a dress!" Chaos protested.
A bug-eyed Pesti-chan turned to Riot, who was clinging to the wall next to them in unexpected shock. "Didn't you know about this?"
Riot frantically shook his head. "No. I knew nothing about her-I mean, his bishounen-fu. His technique's diabolically flawless!"
"I wonder if pretending to be a girl is against the school regulations," Pandemonium remarked, completely unfazed as she flipped through her Jyuban handbook.
Usagi, still somewhat clueless as to what was going on, stood puzzling over Ruckus' identity. "Ano...but if he's a guy, then why is he chasing after other guys?" she asked aloud.
"He's shonen ai too?!" Carnage blurted out. He suddenly clung onto Demolition's leg. "Never leave my sight, Demo-chan. I'm a goner if my Tenchi Masaki syndrome kicks in while he's around."
Ruckus playfully winked at Carnage. "Ne, Demolition, I think there's a cute girl in the teacher's lounge who wants to see your manly abs."
Demolition: ^^ "Really?"
Carnage: [evil demonic head mode!] "Are you dense?!"
Pesti: "Carnage, at the risk of seeing you let loose with a Dragu Slave, your Tenchi Masaki thing only works on girls. If Ruckus is a guy, nullifying your disorder won't save you."
"An interesting if not terrifying premise," Ami mused. "Ruckus is both a bishounen and a shonen ai."
"He's a bishounen ai," Dark Mayhem quipped, rolling his eyes. "Kami-sama help us all."
"But what about that Drakkar Noir twit?" Chaos exclaimed. "He was a shonen ai character! We only need one incarnation of the genre; why do we have to have two?!"
Ruckus: ^^ [pouncing on Chaos] "Correction: he was a harmless bishounen ai character. I'm completely aggressive!"
Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!! RAMPANT YAOI ON THE LOOSE!!"
Ruckus: ^^ "Oh, Chaos, you look so kawaii when you struggle. You really Starlight up my life!"
[Cue the obligatory yaoi bit!]
Chaos: [we're waaaaaaaaaay beyond panic here!] "ARE YOU INSANE?! NO YAOI BIT!! NO YAOI BIT!!"