[Cue the ICQ session!]
You do realize that we now have 80 Chaosfic titles alone that have yet to be put into the series.
And the problem is?
We're going to run out of fics before we finish off the list, dammit!
Think we can create a really slick & cool omake where we get rid of about 1/3 of them?
No. That would require actual thought. Let's just slap some half-assed plot contrivance together instead. ^^v
[Cue the omake!]
The light of the noonday sun shone down upon Tokyo. Many people were taking their Saturday off to go shopping or eat at a restaurant. No doubt a large number of teens were out on dates or hanging with their friends. But there was one soul in the city who was not about to take the day off, not when he'd already set out to fulfil his mission.
Chaos stared up at the daunting structure before him. "There it is," he muttered to himself. "The infamous omaK2."
Its immense form towered over most of the Tokyo skyline, putting even the Shinjuku Towers to shame. The entire mountainous peak had been created by stacking together the worst Anime-based fanfiction on the Net. And whomever's fic could be placed at the highest vertical point would be declared to greatest threat to otaku in all history.
Somewhere up in the high and ludicrous altitudes were the treacherous Oscarfics. Not too far away, on a different slope of omaK2, were volumes of horrific self-insertion EVAtar fics. A pair of boardshorts from Mr. I'mnotadragon swayed in the wind whilst pinned beneath a manuscript.
Many would-be fanfic authors had tried to reach the summit and declare their fic to be the best one for the Golden Raspberry Awards to diss, to be sure. But they had either been forced to turn back...or never even returned at all.
Yet that didn't deter Chaos.
No, he was just too stupid to take the hint and leave omaK2 alone. Armed with his trusty herring and a backpack full of bear jammies he'd boosted from Lain's bedroom closet, Chaos psyched himself up to do what no other author had done: reach the top. If he managed to do the impossible, then there was no way he could be ignored (or shot at) by the rest of the fanfiction community.
"It is time," he announced dramatically, sliding pair of aviator goggles over his eyes and then adjusting his sundress.
He hauled out a Chaosfic and dropped it into the ground, letting it serve as the anchor. Then he produced a flag with a li'l SD smiley face of himself on it, and jabbed it into the fanfic. After a few failed attempts, Chaos suddenly realized he should have been sticking the pointy end of the flagpole into the Chaosfic.
Chaos: ^-^ "There we go: Combustible Campus Detectives! That's one small fic for Chaos--"
Pesti-chan: --;; "One giant headache for fankind."
Carnage: [sulking] "Just why the hell are we here anyways?"
Dark Mayhem: [lounging at the mountain's base in a beach chair] "They're serving complimentary daiquiris. What's not to like?"
Demolition: [surveying the summit] "Do you really think it's safe?"
Pesti-chan: "Oh, I doubt Chaos will actually have the intelligence to get injured."
Demolition: "I was talking about us. What if he creates a landslide of horrible fanfiction?"
Dark Mayhem: "Then Mr. Fry-'Em-Fetish over here can exercise his right to smite."
Carnage: ^^v [caressing a VOTOM mobile suit] "I've picked out the Gundam for just this occasion!"
Pesti-chan: "Ano...Carnage? Could you please stop fondling the mecha already?"
Havoc: ^-^ "PANTIES GOOD!"
Demolition: "Okay, that is really disturbing. Havoc's been so deprived of hentai that he's been reduced to spouting nearly all mono-syllabic words in caps lock."
Dark Mayhem: "Oh, she's become a James Hetfield charictature?"
And so Chaos set off on his journey. He made his way up the treacherous path, wary of getting really nasty papercuts from the jagged edges of hardcopied stories laying around. A few times he slipped on wet ink and nearly tumbled all the way down the mountainside, but luckily for him his hyper-panicky SD mode kicked in. Thusly Chaos could desperately wave his arms and legs around and catch an updraft.
The higher he climbed, the less oxygen there seemed to be. Probably because the sheer stupidity of the fics he was now encountering were that asphyxiating. But not to be outdone, Chaos left his mark of the face omaK2 in the trail of Chaosfics be left behind.
"Garzey's Gundam Wing!"
"Space Battleship Yawara Yoko!"
"Magic Knights of Ramunes!"
A few hours later, Chaos took a quick lunch break around the halfway point. "Boy, writing fanfics sure makes one hungry," he remarked whilst chowing down on some Excel brand Ramenchi noodles.
But then who should he see skipping (and jiggling) over one of the smaller peaks of omaK2, but Hysteria. "There we go," she said, staking her own kawaii little flag-can on the mountain o' ficage. "Hysteria has left behind her kawaii little 'I Wanna Be A Nurse Angel' and 'Midnight Gohan' fic-chans to show she was here. And this is just an oh so kawaii place to have a kawaii little tea party-chan! Ne, Tora-chan? Ne? Ne?"
She turned around, only to discover that Tora had cleverly escaped her grasp by putting his leash on a giant Totoro who'd been spraypainted orange. And it had taken Hysteria only 6 hours to figure this out.
"Waaaah! Now who is Hysteria going to have a kawaii little victory tea party-chan with once she reaches the top?"
Upon seeing Hysteria, Chaos did what came natural and panicked, launching two or three spare Chaosfics into the air. As the skies were suddenly littered with excerpts from such classic idiocies as 'Marlemeiya Boy' and 'Initial AD Police', Chaos angrily pointed over to Hysteria.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?!" the irate li'l fanboy exclaimed.
Hysteria stuck out her kawaii little tongue-chan and raspberried him. "Piiiida-chan! Hysteria's going to be the kawaii little queen-chan of omaK2. Because we all know Hysteria's fics are just oh so kawaii, she's naturally going to reach the top first."
And just to spite Chaos, she clobbered him with a copy of her 'Plastic Little Nemo' fic.
Chaos' eyebrow twitched as he pulled the cover page off his face, ink left smeared on his forehead. "This means war in the pocket."
But as it turned out, he'd left his war in his other pants, so he was forced to make do with what he had in this other set of pockets. Namely some lint and a Puchu bear-thingy.
Tossing the bowl of ramenchi over his shoulder, Chaos set out with new, fervent resolve to beat Hysteria to the summit. He began creating new Chaosfics faster and faster. He flung 'Fist of the Outlaw Star' left and 'Senshi Ni Narumon' right. When he came across a large chasm separating him from the desired central peak, he defied the laws of engineering (not to mention all good taste) in creating a bridge made from such Chaosfics like 'Mach Go Go Panda Go', 'Gourryguyver: Bio Booster Sword of Light' and 'Basaraki.'
Yet every time he gave a paranoid glance over in Hysteria's direction, he found the uber-kawaii twit of an alleged daughter was making the same speed of progress as he was. Happily skipping along through the piles of Tenchi Muyo! lemons that we shall never speak of again if you know what's good for you, Hysteria wantonly tossed her Hysteriafics in all directions.
Very quickly the hills were alive with the sound of Menchi. 'Menchi Ni Narumon' that is. Not to mention 'Tuxedo Mask of Glass' and 'Pon Porco Rosso'.
Hysteria giggled as she placed another marker to showcase her progress. Yes indeed, her copy of 'Boys Bebop' looked very pretty all done up in its bow-chan.
Not one to be outdone by her insipid redundancies, Chaos hurled a copy of his 'Magic Knight Sabres' above his head, the stapled pages unfurling to form a makeshift ladder. Chaos was naturally glad that his rather common stapler mishaps were working to his advantage for once.
Soon it was becoming an all-out race to see who could run and write fics at the same time. Chaos & Hysteria were almost side by side now as they scaled omaK2, launching their fics all over the place and leaving a trail of bodies in their wake.
Yes indeed, this was not the day to be a beta-reader.
Chaos: "Tenkawa No Escaflowne! Voltron Fighter Gowcaizer! Galaxy Gun Express 999!"
Hysteria: "Bishoujojo's Bizarre Adventure! Chan Chan Bunny X! Goldenboy Detective Conan!"
Chaos: "Serial Experiments Lum! Perfect Coo! Battle Angel Links!"
Hysteria: "Project A-kodocha! Weather Report Girl From Phantasia! Tekkamon!"
Chaos: "Dangaioh My Goddess! Urusaiyan Yatsura!"
Hysteria: "U-Jinnai Brand! Angel Sanctuary of Darkness! Pokemononoke Hime!"
Chaos: "Dragon One-Half! Kenshin Corps!"
Hysteria: "Chibiusagi Yujimbo! Fancy La La Blue Girl!"
Chaos: "The Tuxedo Mask of Zorro! Bio Hunter Yohko!"
Hysteria: "Genocyber 6! Dragonball Pink!"
Chaos: "Outlaw Stardust Memories!"
Hysteria: "Aku Mantle Cha Cha!"
Chaos: "I Wanna Be An Angel Link!"
Hysteria: "Tenchi Ni Pokemon!"
Chaos: "Catgirl Ninku Ninku!"
Hysteria: "Catgirl Naga Naga!"
Chaos: "Kodama no Omocha!"
Hysteria: "Kodomo No Ogenki!"
[Down at the base of omaK2....]
Dark Mayhem: "Good lord, they're resonating. They're starting to ping fic ideas off each other!"
Demolition: "Too bad they couldn't knock each other out in the process."
Ruckus: ^^v "Maybe I should add my own Ruckusfic to the mix: Samurai Express Yaoimon!"
[Cue the facevaults!]
Havoc: o.O;; "YAOI BAD! YAOI BAD!"
Soon, Chaos and Hysteria started throwing out their fics and shouting the titles so fast, that no one could tell which MST-enriched turkey should be blamed on whom.
"Ayashi No CeresCeres!"
"Guidecrest of the Stars!"
"Slayers Chic & Gorgeous!"
"Kimagure Orange Road Warrior, featuring Madoka Max!"
"X/El Saga 1999: Hyatt's dying was foreordained!"
Pesti-chan: [eyebrow twitch!] "Well...at least we know that last one was definitely a Chaosfic."
Carnage: "Not that knowing this fact makes our lives any happier."
Demolition: "You just aren't happy unless you get to blow something up, are you oni-san?"
Carnage: --;; [pointing at Demolition] "Fireball."
"Prepare yourself, Hysteria!" Chaos proclaimed as he flung himself into the air in a desperate bid for the top position. "I've saved my best fic for last!!"
"Same here!" Hysteria chimed in, taking her own flying leap.
And it just so happened that they flung themselves right into each other's faces. With a loud thumping of thick skulls, the two avatars crashed into the pile o' papers, each one warbling out their ultimate fic.
Chaos: x.x "Fairy Princess Ren & Stimpy...."
Hysteria: x.x "Pretty Sammo...."
When they both looked, they discovered that their manuscripts were sitting side by side, yet both were now the highest fics on the entire omaK2 summit.
"We...we're tied," Chaos said in surprise.
Carnage: [dousing the base of omaK2 in gasoline] "No, you're screwed."
Chaos & Hysteria: o.O;;
And so ends the story of two avatars who tried to make themselves the king and queen-chan of omaK2. Were they utter idiots for even trying such a ridiculous thing? Or were both Chaos and Hysteria in fact complete morons?
Only time and MSTfics will tell....
On to Part 4