*            *            *

            A safe distance away from getting their butts fondled by amorous bishounen ai, the fanboys regrouped and assessed the situation.
            "Well, that was an eventful lunch hour," Dark Mayhem quipped as he buttoned up the blazer of his uniform. "I can't wait to see what the extra-curricular activities are like."
            "I feel so violated," Chaos sniffled. "I never thought I'd say this, but compared to the manhandling those Yaoi Boxers gave me, I'd prefer to get whipped by a Red Queen Senshi any day."
            Carnage didn't seem any more thrilled as he & Demolition compared articles of clothing that had been stolen by the Yaoi Boxers. "You and your stupid nullifying powers," Carnage growled. "If your Invisible Boyfriend Syndrome hadn't been in such close range to my Tenchi Masaki Syndrome, I'd still have my underpants on!"
            "Oh whine, whine, whine!" Demolition shot back. "Do you have any idea how sore my nipples are now? And thanks you *your* nullification of my curse, the Yaoi Boxers actually took a liking to me. Now I've got to sew my demons wards together so I can have a pair of pants!"
            One of Dark Mayhem's eyebrows went up. "What happened to your Speedos?"
            Demolition shuddered. "Please don't ask."

Ruckus: [twirling a pair of Speedos around his index finger] "Well, at least I got a war trophy to remember those fanboys by."

Riot: --;; "I have got to talk to SEELE about reassigning me a most honourably new partner."

            "This doesn't make any sense," Pesti-chan said, gasping for air. "Why are the Student Council after us? What did we do wrong?"
            Naturally, everyone turned to Chaos.
            "Oh sure, blame the guy in the miniskirt!" he huffed indignantly. "I'll have you know that I did all the necessary paperwork for the tour group."
            "Did you actually use pen this time, or just stick with magic markers again?" Dark Mayhem inquired.
            Chaos balked and then feigned indifference. "Maybe."
            "One thing's for certain," Demolition stated as he warily peeked around the corner of the building. No one appeared to be following them, which was naturally a good thing. "If those Yaoi Boxers were Pandemonium's
substitutes, I hope she's never late for a scene again."
            Dark Mayhem nodded in agreement. "Hai hai. Regardless, it appears the Student Council doesn't exactly like our presence in the fanfic. What I can't figure out is their delusion that we're the cause for Nehelenia's crap."
            "See? This is what happens when you've got multiple plots going on in a single story, and the author isn't paying attention to them," Pesti-chan said.
            As if to further prove their point, Havoc-kun suddenly dropped out from the skies above and landed right in the middle of the group. Chaos, having expected to yet again be used as a landing pad, opened one eye and saw that
he was still intact. "Yes!" he proclaimed happily, dancing a little SD Chaos jig. "I live!"
            He was instantly crushed by a Great Black Mazinger.

Naoko Takeuchi: ^-^ [high-fiving her fellow manga artist] "Ooooh! That was a good one! I would have never thought about using a Mazinger on him."

Yuu Watase: ^^v [with SD Chaos voodoo plushie] "Hai! It's all in the wrists."

            "Do I even want to know what's happened to you now, Havoc?" Dark Mayhem asked as he and Demolition helped the ex-Hentenno up & dusted him off.
            "Let's just say I experienced an unpleasant role reversal during a game of Spank The Senshi," he replied. "Now I know how Chaos feels when Haruka goes Red Queen on his ass."
            "You get kinda used to it. After a while, you just get really tingly from all the lashings," Chaos said, having just pulled himself from out beneath the Black Mazinger.
            "I'd prefer tongue-lashings, but right now the universe seems to have other ideas," Havoc stated irritably.
            Chaos got up and saw Havoc's jacket. "'I J DOOBY'?" he read.
            "Shut up about that." Havoc turned to Carnage. "And I suppose I'm going to go sploot now?"
            Carnage grinned wickedly and cracked his knuckles. "Well, if you insist, Havoc. FREEZE--!!" But then Carnage halted his attack. Grudgingly he sighed and shook his head. "Dammit, I can't do it when Havoc's cursed like this. There's no sport, no challenge. It's just sad."
            A sweatdrop appeared next to Pesti-chan's face. "Woah. Carnage is pitying Havoc. That's one badass curse."
            "Tell me about it," Havoc agreed, still glowering at the world in general. "At the rate this is going, I'll be taking a vow of celibacy and becoming a monk by the next eyecatch! What's happening to my sexuo-heterality?"
            Everyone exchanged puzzled expression.
            Havoc groaned and smacked his forehead. "Gomen; hetero-sexuality. You see what I'm talking about here?"
            "What about Rule 3 when you go female at night?" Chaos asked uneasily.
            "Let's not go there right now," Havoc sighed, massaging his temples.
            Pesti-chan gave a diplomatic cough. "Um...as much time as I'm sure we could spend comparing curses, we do have that little problem of Riot and Ruckus trying to kick our asses. Well...Riot kicking our asses, and Ruckus groping
our asses."
            "And Pandemonium frisking our asses," Carnage added dryly.
            "Kinda makes you wonder about how they're doing with the fangirls," Chaos remarked.

*            *            *

            Atop the rolling hills of rural Japan, a battle was about to be waged. Ruckus, clad in his best ninja battle armour, leaned against the shaft of a naginata. His eyes were directed first up to the grey sunless skies overhead, and then to the ranks of Yaoi Boxers at his shonen ai command.
            It wouldn't be long now....
            Abruptly Sarcasm appeared on the other end of the battlefield, a lone Elfgirl atop one of the hills. She surveyed the forces of Yaoi before putting her fingers to her lips and letting out a loud, brief whistle. Moments later the hillside around her was swarming with Sarcasm's harem of bishounen, each one either carrying a weapon or ready to summon a magical spell.
            And somewhere on the sidelines, Aburatsubo was busy playing the Berserk war song "Forces" on a ghetto blaster.
            "There's a lot of Yaoi Boxers out there," second-in-command Zelgadis remarked, standing casually behind Sarcasm.
            Hotohori snorted indignantly. "Ha! None of them are as beautiful as me, though."
            Her face half-decorated with edible blueberry-flavoured body paint, Sarcasm raised her Zanba spatula high over her head.

Sarcasm: "They may take over this fic, but they shall never take away...my bishies!!"

            The dark elf of a fangirl unleashed a high-pitched ululating squeak that could have been considered by some to be a battle cry. Upon hearing that, her legions of bishounen all shouted and charged.
            On the other side of the field, Ruckus raised her--er, his naginata into the air. "Go spank them silly, boys!" he shouted as the Yaoi Boxers charged.
            And had this author really been interested in a bunch of yaoi guys fondling & fighting other bishounen, he would have actually bothered to write more of this battle.

*            *            *

            Pandemonium was really starting to wonder if leaving the F! Files to work with SEELE's Fanboy Instrumentality Project was actually a change for the better. Namely because right now she was stuck with one of the most annoying characters she'd ever encountered in either vocation.
            "Wah! Pan-chan no kowai!"
            Pandemonium's eyebrow twitched voraciously. Fuming so much that smoke was literally coming out of her ears, she turned and glared down at the kawaii little fangirl behind her. "How many times do I have to tell you to stop
calling me Pan-chan!!" she snapped. "I've given you two strip searches and five body cavity searches, and you still haven't taken the hint!"
            Hysteria sniffled and shuffled her feet, giving Pan-chan her best kawaii little Bambi eyes. "Why are you so angry with poor kawaii little Hysteria?" she asked.
            "Because you took my regulation handcuffs, and turned them into fuzzy pink handcuffs!" Pandemonium retorted in utter exasperation.
            "But fuzzy pink handcuff-chans are just oh so kawaii!" Hysteria squeaked excitedly. "Thinking about them makes Hysteria want to go out and write her 'Midnight Gokudo-kun' fic this very kawaii little minute-chan!"
            Pandemonium halted mid-step, her eyes widening. "Okay, that's it!" she state, picking up Hysteria and slinging the uber-kawaii fangirl over her shoulder. "You're going to be detained in the student council room for the rest of this fic until further notice."
            "Ooooh! Council-chan! Council-chan!" Hysteria squeaked excitedly. "Hysteria can throw lots and lots of kawaii little tea party-chans up there! She can invite Touga-chan and Miki-chan and Saionji-chan...but that evil bastard
Akio can kiss Hysteria's kawaii little ass-chan."
            "Yeah, whatever," Pandemonium said as she entered the forbidden forest and tossed Hysteria into the elevator.
            "Aren't you getting into the kawaii little elevator-chan?" Hysteria asked.
            Pandemonium slammed the grill-iron door closed between them. "No. I'll take the freakin' stairs. Annoying 'Absolute Destiny' choral singers be damned. It's more humane than having to listen to you."
            With an sigh, Pandemonium rolled her eyes as she turned to leave. "Finally, I'm rid of that brainless twit," she muttered.
            But then a draft unexpectedly blew past her.
            With a shriek, Pandemonium whirled. "YOU!!"
            Hysteria giggled, and twirled a set of panties on her finger. "I've got Pan-chan's panty-chans!" she stated with an all too familiar Chichiri grin, just as the doors closed and the elevator car started to ascend.
            Pandemonium dropped to her knees, her bosoms giving a mighty jiggle as she felt the cool draft on her Sexaroid body. "Otoka-saaaaaaaaaan!!!" she cried out. "Why must you torment me?!"

*            *            *

            The Shabu Shabu restaurant.
            Meiji era.

            "So likes I was saying," slurred a really tanked Riot. He stopped long enough to chug back the remainder of Sake in his bottle. "I's knew Yagyu Jyubei, man. We were like thish!"
            He crossed his fingers.
            "Yeah, thoshe were da good times," he ranted to the companion seated across from him at the table. "Jerst you versush fifty people, and ya'd kick their ashes before they even realished it. Take 'em ten sheconds a' figure it out."
            Riot tried to consume more Sake straight from its jug, but found that to be empty. With an frustrated groan he tossed the jug over his shoulder, adding it to the already growing pile of empty Sake containers.
            "Ba' not these days. Now ya gotter watch out, becaushe they got these shuper sam-er-ai thingies. And some of 'em are girlsh. I have ta fight one of 'em shoon too."
            From the other side of the table, Himura Kenshin gave Riot a surprised look. But being more pissed than a billy goat, Riot didn't realize the surprise look was a gift, and tried to slice it in half with his katana.
            "You're supposed to be fighting someone?" Kenshin asked. "Then why are you here drinking Sake?"
            "It'sh a general rule a' sam-er-ai," Riot replied, downing more Sake. "You have ta sink like yer opponent, 'er else yer gonna get decap-er-tated. And Anarchy...she drinksh a lot. So I'm trying ta master mosht honourably
anything-arts marshul-goes Sake-fu."
            He burped.
            "And I shink...I shink I'm gonner pass out. Ja ne!"
            With that, Riot lapsed into unconsciousness, his head unceremoniously dropping onto the tabletop. Sensing the awkwardness of the situation, Kenshin waved to Tae for the bill. "Why do I always wind up encountering all the weirdos with swords?" he lamented.

*            *            *

            "So we're now being hunted by resident SM characters *and* new avatars alike," Chaos said. "What was our author thinking when he wrote this part?!"

His lordship Chaos: [sitting at his laptop] "I wonder...is Giant Robo regimental underneath that kilt?"

            "Forget about why it's happened," Dark Mayhem said. "We have to find a way to solve these plot devices and finish this turkey."
            "Well I hope you have some suggestions, because I'm out," Demolition sighed.
            And then, as if on cue, thusly appeared The Rat Bastard!

Chaos: ^-^ "Wai! The Rat Bastard's the everlasting know-it-all Mazoku-type of our series. He should be able to help us!"

Rat Bastard: ^^ "How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."

Chaos: o.O; "What you say?"

Rat Bastard: ^^ "You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha...ha."

            [Exit The Rat Bastard in the "All your base are belong to us" Gundam!]

            "Does he do that a lot?" Carnage asked, his eyebrow twitching.
            Pesti-chan could only groan and nod his head. "Every damn time. You're just lucky you didn't have to deal with him in the Sell-Out Fic."
            Dark Mayhem gestured to himself. "If I may actually offer up a suggestion that *actually* has a bearing on the fic," he said. "Look, if Riot and Ruckus were that adamant about ganging up on us at Jyuban High, then odds are they're looking for us right now. We need to figure this stupid plot out before we meet them again."
            "So where's the one place Riot and Ruckus would never look for us?" Demolition asked.
            Everyone slowly turned to Havoc.

Havoc: [sweatdrop!] "Oro?"

            Chaos groaned. "Not to Planet Hentai again...."
            "At least one of your SD selves won't Zoantropy and be forced into the critter races," Pesti-chan said.
            Dark Mayhem sulked. "As I do recall, I lost a few thousand yen on you in the last lap."
            "How was I supposed to know that Bugroms could jump that far?!"
            Demolition smacked Pesti-chan upside the head with the Sword of Light. "So are we just going to walk through the front doors of the club, or what?"
            "I'll drive," Carnage offered with an evil smile. "I just got the Outlaw Star back from the AD Police impound."
            Shortly thereafter, the Outlaw Star was seen landing on top of Planet Hentai's roof, the spaceship's nose taking out the Planet's large neon bra in the process.
            Havoc gave Carnage an annoyed look. "Do the words 'Valet parking' mean anything to you?"

Gilliam: "You just scuffed my paint job."

Carnage: "Relax, I'll finish giving you that chrome polish when I get you back into drydock."

Gilliam: ^-^ "Ooooh, I love Zechs Wax treatments. And then maybe you could introduce me to that Lipumura girl...."

            Scuttling down the grappler ship, the fanboys descended into Planet Hentai. And then to their utter shock and disbelief discovered that it was now under new management. With Skimehime-chan now running the show as the new reigning Hentenno, the place had undergone a drastic overhaul. There was barely anything recognizable from the old Planet Hentai.
            The dance floor was filled with leather B&D ensembles. Whips and riding crops were being smacked left, right and centre. The old regulars were now all geared in dominatrix outfits, many leading their companions along with
chains, handcuffs and dog collars. Numerous booths featured tables with nubile young women tied down to them in either kinky knots or leather straps.
            Victorian crosses decorated the walls--some of them occupied. All of the Aika girls were now sporting nipple rings and spiked thongs. The private nyotaimori rooms had been alternately replaced with dungeons, or else waterbeds, zebra-striped bedspreads and ceiling mirrors. And the Jello wrestling pit was now a pool filled with dripping hot candle wax. The pained & aroused cries of Anime babes filled the air. This served only to drown out the scattered, subdued & chained males calling out "Jo'o-sama!" At least...we're talking about the people who didn't have ball gags in their
            The fanboys took the change rather well.

Chaos: [frantically pointing around] "N-N-N-N-NA NI?!"

Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Dark Mayhem: >.< "Oh, I'd say that's also being violated in about two dozen ways."

Pesti: o.O;;;; [twitching profusely] "Brain...seizing up...hurting stop...when?"

Chaos: [eeeep!] "Talk about being under new management."

Demolition: [turing his head sideways] "Is Madoka 'the Pick' doing what I think she's doing?"

Havoc: [aghast] "I've been abandoned."

            [Cue NinNin glomping onto Havoc-kun's leg!]

NinNin: ^^ "I'm still here, Hentenno!"

Havoc: --;; "Oh goodie."

            Indeed there were no visible signs of any of the former Benkyo Brigade members. At least not until Red Queen Kasumi launched herself out from the private offices in all her nurturingly perverted glory.
            "WOH HOH HO HOH OHO HO HOH!!!" she cackled. "Ara, Havoc-kun, you've come to pay me a visit? How thoughtful of you. I do so hope you like the redecorating I've done."
            She gestured to the rest of the club's interior.
            All the other fanboys instinctively clustered together behind Havoc, not wanting to get any deeper into this form of hentai than necessary.
            "You've shown up just in time, Havoc-kun," Skimehime-chan drawled. "I've just launched my own fanfiction studio, since your Dojiworks recently folded and declared bankruptcy: Spank The Monkey Punch Studios. In fact, we're going to be doing a new fic shortly."
            With that, she tossed the script over to Pesti-chan.
            Pesti-chan's eyes bugged out the instant he saw the title on the cover. "'Goldenshower Boy'?!"

Havoc: o.O;;

Kintaro: ;_; [unhappily being dragged off to his fate] "Hentenno-samaaaaaaaaaaaa!!"

            "Poor Kintaro's leaving clawmarks on the floor," Dark Mayhem observed. He glanced back to Pesti-chan, who was currently undergoing a ritual purification ceremony. Demolition was busy trying to slap demon wards on the
Goldenshower Boy script as the fic jumped around and tried to bite him.
            "Havoc, I never thought I'd hear myself say this," Carnage said. "But you have seriously got to get the royal thong back. This is nothing short of unnatural."
            Chaos nodded in agreement. "I don't even want to think of what's lurking in the Hentorium."
            Chibiusa paused as she strolled past Chaos, tipping his chin up with the end of her riding crop. "Oh, what a pretty boy. Ne, Kasumi Jo'o-sama, can I be the one who gets to break him in?"
            "Sorry, but there's a harbinger and her can opener o' doom who might take issues with that," Dark Mayhem replied. He looked up to the ceiling, where a terrified SD Chaos was now clinging to one of the lights. "You can come down now. The bad Yam's gone."
            "Make me!" Chaos shouted back.
            However, his weight was a little too much for the light to support. With a loud "RIIIP!!" the fixture was torn from the ceiling, sending Chaos plummeting back to the floor of Planet Hentai. Luckily for him, a Victorian Cross broke his fall.

Chaos: @.@ "Itaaaaaiiiii...."

Tomo: [freaky Seiryu Seishi that he is] "Funny. Everyone always winds up saying that on this cross sooner or later."

Chaos: o.O;;;

            "Tomo-kun, stop teasing the poor fanboy," Red Queen Kasumi called out. "After all, we can't do anything to them yet. They have to sign up for memberships first."
            "Oh, gee! Look at the time!" Demolition exclaimed, glancing down at Pesti-chan's wristwatch. "Guess we can't stay and sign those papers after all."
            Pesti-chan nodded. "Hai! Gotta go!"
            Dark Mayhem watched as Pesti-chan made a fast break for the front doors--only to collide with Tuxedo Kekko Kamen in the process. Whereupon 6 li'l SD Pesti-chans screamed and started running into each other in a frantic attempt to escape the clutches of the nekkid idiot of love & justice.
            "Aw, poor little Pesti-chan looks pained," Skimehime-chan sighed, snapping her fingers. She was immediately flanked (and stroked) by her pair of attendants. "Please meet my director of entertainment," she said, gesturing to Akio on her left. She then pointed to Munhihausen on her right. "And here is our director of quality control."
            "And here is me, getting the hell outta here," Dark Mayhem replied, bowing courteously before waving the finger at the two directors.
            With the shrieking SD Pesti's as their guides, the other fanboys slowly backed out from Planet Hentai. Warily they scanned the faces of the club's new patrons, knowing that these perverts could smell fear...and would then feel inclined to make them all scream "Jo'o-sama!!"
            Fortunately, a wanted distraction presented itself as Professor Shimazaki raced out from one of the antechambers, his white labcoat billowing out behind him. "Skimehime-chan, we've got a slight problem! Instead of just eating the girls out, one of the demon flowers is really eating them!"

Chaos: [aside to Dark Mayhem] "Hey, isn't that the mad scientist from Angel of Darkness? The one who created all those plants with naughty vines?"

Dark Mayhem: "Oh, you mean Dr. Frank-N-Fertilizer?"

            Ginpachi, who was guarding the front door (and still sporting a few bandages from his last scuffle with the fanboys) glowered at Carnage and Demolition. Noting the sour look they were getting, the two avatars decided
to go make amends with the oversized cockroach-thingy of a teacher.
            Demolition flashed Ginpachi a sincere smile. "You know your antennae's untied."
            Ginpachi's eyes narrowed. And then somewhat hesitantly he tried to look up towards the top of his head. Whereupon Carnage blew him through the roof with a Beam cannon.
            "That was almost too easy," he sighed.
            Havoc was the last one to leave, shuddering to himself at the horror that was the new (but not necessarily improved) Planet Hentai. But just as he was prepared to step out the doorway, Red Queen Kasumi called out to him.
            "Leaving so soon?"
            Havoc glowered. "I'm sure you'll find a fetish here to keep you company."
            "But are you sure you want to leave so quickly?" Skimehime-chan pressed. "I'll indulge my former nemesis this one time. Will this do?"
            Hearing the rustling of clothing being removed, Havoc found himself unable to resist turning around. To his utter astonishment, no sooner had turned his head than the Royal Thong was tossed onto his face.
            Havoc laughed in sheer joy as he fondled the sacred panty. "Oh, the Royal Thong is mine again! How I've missed you!"
            "Wait!" Skimehime-chan countered. "Certainly you can have the Royal Thong back...or do you want what's behind Door #2?"
            Yoiko-chan appeared, wheeling in a large pan-dimensional portal. After posing in her scantily-clad Lum suit, she was unceremoniously bumped out of the way as Charon quickly assumed her position (ecchi!).
            Havoc's ears perked up as he suddenly heard a female Anime babe moaning in ecstasy from behind Door #2. "I know that moan anywhere!" he exclaimed. "It's Mido Miko!"
            Forgetting completely about the thong, Havoc exclaimed, "The door! The door!"
            A vicious smile appeared on Skimehime-chan's lips. "You heard the former uberperv," she instructed Charon. "Let him have what's behind the door."
            The door was unlocked and swung open...only to reveal NinNin on the other side, listening to a La Blue Girl recording on tape.

Havoc: o.O;;;

            "WOH HOH O HOHO HO OHO!!!" Red Queen Kasumi cackled as she snatched the thong from his hands. "Gomen nasai, Havoc-kun, but it looks like I'm the Hentenno once again. You forfeited the thong for that."
            Everyone in Planet Hentai started to laugh and join in the cackling. Havoc's moment of humiliation was quickly forgotten as the B&D music started up again.
            "Wow, tough crowd tonight," NinNin remarked as he sauntered over to Havoc.
            Still twitching, Havoc slowly looked down at the diminutive form of NinNin. "I *detest* you," he stated, barely able to contain the perverted rage within.
            But this being NinNin, he didn't even clue into what Havoc was saying. "Ne, I've got an extra copy of this 'Sound of Mido' tape," he said happily. "Want it?"

Havoc: --;; "You have to drop your pants in order to count to eleven, don't you?"

NinNin: ^^ "Sugoi! Not only are you the uberperv, but you're psychic too!

            [Cue the facevaults!]

On to Page 3