Back outside Planet Hentai, the fanboys were busy going through the rigorous steps of denial. "They can do that forever," Dark Mayhem said distastefully.
SD Pesti #3 sniffled as he stared at his palms. "I touched a Yam tonight!" he lamented. "I could be contaminated now. Who knows where she's been?!"
"Pesti-chan, pull yourselves together!" Carnage snapped. "And while you're at it, help pull Chaos out of the Jello 'Walk of Fame'."
"Mph!" came Chaos' frantic muffled cry, his face stuck in Mai Shiranui's breastprints. The six SD Pesti-chan yanked on his feet and popped him loose...sending him flying backwards and right into the bosom-shaped bell hanging next to the front doors.
Chaos: o.O; "KYAAAAAAA!!!"
Dark Mayhem shrugged. "He gets a solid ten points in the freestyle category, if that's any consolation."
"Maybe we should have gone to hide in the local cafe I established for my tour group clientele," Chaos said, trying to regain his inner sense of balance. "Chez Baka; it's not too far from here, actually."
Pesti: [???] "Why 'Baka'?"
Chaos: --;; "That's the last time I let Photon pick the title."
Demolition shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, shaking his head. "This fic is seriously screwed up. First Nehelenia attacks, then those rival avatars try to smite us, and now Planet Hentai's devolved without Havoc around to keep the standards up. What else could possibly go wrong now?"
He was instantly tackled by all the other fanboys. "Never say that kind of thing in our series!!" they shouted in dogpiling Demolition.
However, it was already too late.
The disorganized pile o' avatars, with legs and arms and heads sticking out in every direction (and SD Pesti #4 atop the pile with a flag, declaring "I claim this land for Fanelia!") slowly looked up to a menacing group of characters standing over them. Yes indeed, for no good reason whatsoever, the entire cast of Revolutionary Girl Utena had assembled together in their own bid to take over the fic. With the student council sitting in the Akiocar--and Anthy, ChuChu, Wakaba and Mikage all in the Utenamobile--they were ready to revolutionize the fanfic in their own unique way.
"A-Ano...." Chaos stammered, smiling hopefully at Juri. "I'm female sometimes. That's gotta count for something, ne?"
[Fanboy's Note: I feel the need now to interject with an important lesson in Japanese vocabulary that all otaku should be made aware of. Cue His lordship Chaos!!]
His lordship Chaos: ^^v "Ohayo! Now then, a distinction needs to made about the usage of the word 'ano'. Ano is used as an interjection, and commonly means 'um'. But if you add an extra n, you get Anno. This is the surname of Hideaki Anno, the director responsible for EVA, End of Eva, and the most recent Gainax mindfuck: Furi Kuri. Now we don't want to confuse any otaku out there, so I've created a basic equation to help simplify things."
ano = um...
Anno = WTF?!
His lordship Chaos: "I hope this has helped clarify things for you, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with the current scene in the fic. Ja!"
[Resume normal fic!]
Everyone got out of their cars, each Utena character taking out their own sword. Saionji had his bokken. Touga had his sabre. Miki & Juri had their fencing epees. Anthy was brandishing a ladle, because let's face it people:
in the kitchen there is no one else more dangerous in Ohtori Academy than her.
The now empty Utenamobile abruptly shook, and then Utena's disembodied voice was heard to shout, "Utenamobile, terrorize!!" With a really fancy (but blatantly obvious) CG scene, the Utenamobile transformed into Utena Tenjou, complete with her boy's uniform.
"Sugoi!" Chaos whispered. "Ohtori Academy's carwash made Utena into a Transformer. I wonder if she's an Autobot or a Decepticon?"
"BAKA!!" everyone else snapped, and a flurry of arms appeared from the tangled pile of avatars to smack Chaos upside the back of the head. Utena quickly pulled the Sword of Dios from Anthy and then pointed the tip
of the blade at the fanboys. "We've all received our letters from End of the World--"
"Even if we did have to pay postage on it," Wakaba said whilst clinging to Utena's back.
Utena deliberately ignored the potential Rule 3 moment. "--and we are here to duel you all for the power to revolutionize the world."
"I call duelling!" Carnage and Demolition chorused.
Suddenly the Sword of Light and the zanba sword popped out from the twisted mass of fanboys. A few random SD Pesti-chans were sent flying, and the back of #5's blazer got caught by the tip of the zanba sword, leaving him hoisted up & dangling from atop the weapon.
"OW!" Chaos exclaimed. "That was my foot, Carnage!"
"Put the damn things away before you impale someone," Dark Mayhem snapped.
Unexpectedly, just then Akio in his Akiocar went driving past everyone, chasing after the Nanami-cow.
Akio: [honking the horn] "Wait! We haven't gotten in bed yet!"
Everyone: o.O;; "......"
Dark Mayhem: [eyebrow twitch!] "Okay, are we all in agreement that no one here *ever* saw that?"
Everyone: [nodding] "Hai."
Miki: [clicking on his stopwatch] "0.6 seconds!"
Touga: "What about it?"
Miki: "That's how fast everyone reading this fic just got mindfucked."
Saionji: "But did we break Anno's speed record for that?"
Utena quickly returned to her tomboy fighter pose, sliding the tip of her sword underneath Chaos' chin. "You can either surrender the power of the Rose Bride to us now, or you can have one thousand flying swords pierce your
Anthy leaned forward and whispered something into Utena's ear.
"Whaddaya mean they've already gone and impaled someone else?!" Utena said, growing rather exasperated at her lack of a cool scene. "Who could be that unlucky?"
[Cue Desolation, impaled by the 1000 swords!!]
Fairy Godbabbit: "Kids, don't try this at home. This is done by a trained 'Wu' in a closed duelling arena."
Desolation: [shaking his head] "I ask for an acupuncture session, they turn me into a human pin cushion. Well they're not getting any money from me, that's for sure!"
Utena rolled her eyes, running a hand through her long pink hair. "Okay, we're just going to skip right to the big finish. And that's where we finish you guys off!"
"Is it too late to switch fanfics?" Chaos ventured.
Suddenly Utena and the others found themselves staring at a very unimpressed Sailor Saturn.
Saturn: [grrrr] "Take my Death Reborn Revolution."
Utena cast: o.O;;
Needless to say, the Utena cast will no longer be appearing in this fanfic for the rest of their lives. The fanboys gawked at the aftermath, watching the smoke waft out from the enormous hole in the earth. There was next to nothing left of the block across from Planet Hentai.
"I wonder whose paycheque that's coming out from," Chaos said.
The others turned to him, evil smiles on their faces.
Chaos naturally sweatdropped. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"
Still tense from unleashing that fearsome attack, Saturn exhaled deeply and then wiped some beads of sweat off her forehead. Leaning against her glaive, she surveyed the large hole in the city she'd just created. A small scorched
necktie, no doubt once worn by ChuChu, was caught by the wind and carried off.
She reverted back to being Hotaru, turned around, and then giggled as she strolled over to Chaos--who had somehow managed to turn himself into a human pretzel during the fanboys dogpile.
Hotaru: ^-^ "I can't let you go for five minutes without you getting into trouble, can I, Chaos-chan?"
Chaos: o.O; "Kyaaa! Where's my 'Get Out of Glomp Free' card?!"
[Cue the looming, demonic form of Haruka!]
Chaos: [running off!] "Stage out!"
"Well," Dark Mayhem said as he managed to untangle himself from the other avatars. "At least we won't have to worry about any more Utena gags for the remainder of the fic." He turned to Demolition. "You must be happy."
Demolition sighed in relief. "Ecstatic, actually. That damned Akio was trying to get me to take my shirt off and pose on the hood of his car! Who knows where that Akiomobile's been?!"
Everyone visibly shuddered, as the kana for "evil omnisexual" scrolled in behind them.
"So what are you ladies doing here?" Pesti-chan asked as he reassembled himself. Suddenly he realized he was a head shorter than everyone else around him. "Oh no, where did Number Three run off to?!"
Michiru turned to Dark Mayhem. "Usagi contacted us after that incident you had with the Jyuban High student's council. We figured that if you didn't want to be found, you'd come here to Planet Hentai."
"Are we that predictable?" Carnage asked.
As if on cue, in the background a frantic & screaming SD Chaos raced down the street, with Red Queen Haruka chasing after him. Shortly thereafter, Chaos could be seen running in the opposite direction, still shrieking. But
now SD Pesti #3 was bounding in behind Chaos, waving Haruka's panties in the air.
But not looking where he was going, SD Pesti #3 bounced right into a stop sign and clobbered himself. Red Queen Haruka pounced and started stomping him into the ground, oblivious to the Cream Lemon spray she was sending up.
Hotaru and Michiru shared a momentary glance. "Yes," they answered.
Red Queen Haruka: [stomp stomp stomp!] "Take this! And this! And this and this and this and this!!!"
"Well, I hope you're happy, Ruckus," Riot grumbled as he sat in the student council president's chair, drumming his fingers on the armrest. "Thanks to you running off after some guy, I was unable to keep all the fanboys at bay, and they most dishonourably escaped."
"Hai hai...but on the plus side, I found myself an aggressive guy for tonight," Ruckus giggled, presenting a male Ranma Saotome to Riot.
"And this is supposed to impress me, how?" Riot inquired.
Ranma sniffed indignantly. "I can't believe you people thole me like that! I'm jutht tho mithed."
Riot: "Most dishonourable! It's the dubbed, lispy Ranma from season four!"
Ruckus: [immediately dropping Ranma] "That is soooo NOT cute."
Riot then turned to Pandemonium. "And I don't even know where you disappeared to during the free-for-all-fu, even when you were in the courtyard not one page earlier."
Pandemonium sheepishly hung her head, hoping no one would notice how abnormally shiny the tabletop was. Boomer ooze tends to have that polishing affect on things. "Gomen nasai," she apologized. "Next time I'll rank it
higher on my list of prime directives."
"Ne," Ruckus remarked, making himself comfortable by sitting on the underside of the table. "Just why was there an 'out of order' sign on the elevator? I had to run up that damned spiral staircase just to get here on time for the scene."
"Trust me, you're safer with the stairs," Pandemonium stated, warily glancing back at Hysteria's current detention centre.
Riot leaned forward, gravely staring at the other two avatars. Or else he might have really been squinting because his vision was blurry. We'll never know. "The most honourable question remains this: how do we find the fanboys and ensure Fanboy Instrumentality can continue unimpeded? With our most dishonourable lack of success, SEELE will deny us our most honourable paycheques for certain."
Pandemonium let out a great sigh, her bosoms jiggling from the effort. "I could put in an inquiry with my friends at the AD Police. If something strange is reported, we can see if it's them."
Riot nodded. "Ah, most honourable idea, Pandemonium. Now then, is there any other business we must open up to discussion-fu?"
At that exact instant, one of the buttons on Pandemonium's uniform, stretched and strained to the limit courtesy of her well-endowed chest, popped off. Yet the intense forward tension being placed upon the button catapulted it across the student council room at a tremendous speed.
Riot had just enough time to cock one eyebrow up as he saw it coming straight for his forehead. "Most dishonourable."
Seconds later, there was an unconscious & twitching samurai on the floor. Pandemonium sighed as she looked down at the cleavage being exposed now. "Second time this week it's done that. Maybe I should sew my buttons on this blazer with tensile wire...."
Ruckus poked his head out from beneath the table. "Um...I guess the meeting's adjourned."
Lispy dubbed Ranma: "Oh, that figurth. Are you jutht going to leathe me here?"
Ruckus: [snapping his fingers] "Pandemonium: frisk."
Pandemonium: >) [deploying her tentacles] "My pleasure...."
Lispy dubbed Ranma: o.O;
Having returned to the entrance to El Dojirado, Havoc discovered that the gigantic panties still refused to let him in. In fact, upon his arrival Havoc discovered that the panties had now been replaced by an equally grandiose chastity belt.
"Nooooo!" he cried out, dropping to his knees. Havoc angrily waved a fist at the skies. "Damn you! From hell's heart, I perv at thee!"
Any attempts to fondle, stroke or charm his way into the chastity belt proved useless and utterly futile. Finally giving up, he sat down on the floor and leaned against the locked doorway behind him. His eyes caught the fact that his sweater now read 'BOO DIJY', and narrowed.
With a frustrated shout, Havoc removed the sweater and tossed it across the tunnel, opting to go bare-chested for a while. "Someone's going to pay for this, yes they will," he muttered darkly.
With renewed fervour he set himself to attacking the chastity belt. So everyone reading this fic can now be presented with the sight of a bare-chested Havoc, thrusting & grinding his crotch against the *cough cough!* door.
"Work! Work, damn you!" Havoc exclaimed.
And then a loud CRUNCH!! was heard.
Havoc stumbled back, tenderly cupping his groin and trying to think about something other than the pain.
Havoc: ;_; "I hurt my head."
HAVOC VS. CHASTITY BELT
CHASTITY BELT WINS!!!
His resolve given a severe thumping to go along with his character profile's libidoectomy, Havoc sat back onto the floor and sulked. He considered the possibility of cheering himself up by punting NinNin into the Yaoi Door again. However, given his current streak of luck--that being all bad--Havoc feared he might wind up becoming the door's next victim. "I have got to get my Mojo'o-sama back...but how?" he mused to himself. "How can I become the uberperv again when all my attacks were hentai-based, and I've lost my perverted groove?"
The sound of footsteps walking through the underground tunnels reached Havoc's ears. He perked up and managed a weak smile. "Megumi-chan?"
But instead of the hoped-for Amano babe, who should come walking around the bend but Yoiko-chan. Upon seeing RQK's resident self-inserted Ecchi-chan, Havoc scowled and went back to his sulking. "What are you doing here
Yoiko-chan? Shouldn't you be politely licking the boots of your Red Queen?"
"Not a chance!" Yoiko growled, the air suddenly charged with her Lum-like electricity. Havoc looked at her in bemusement, to which she dramatically pointed at him. "I'm here to get you reinstated as the Hentenno!"
The surprise on Havoc's face was evident. The low Jello reserves in his brain started to percolate. "You?" he asked. Of all the would-be conspirators, Skimehime-chan's own personal acolyte was the last one he would have expected help from. "Forgive me for not leaping for joy, but the bounce has gone out of my butt."
"No, I'm really serious," Yoiko explained, sitting down next to Havoc. She offered him a bottle of Creamy Ale.
"Wha? I thought my entire private stock had been liquidated by Skimehime-chan!" Havoc said, gleefully taking the bottle. "I mean, she either tossed or sold everything of value I had in Planet Hentai. I don't even know where my omnilingus is anymore."
[Suddenly we jump over to the schoolyard of Graviton High!]
C-ko: ^-^ "Oooh, A-ko! Guess what I made today for your lunch?"
A-ko: [trying to force back a gag reflex] "If it's deep-fried S2 Engines again...."
C-ko: [giggle!] "No silly, I made something new today!"
A-ko: [eyebrow twitch!] "Dare I ask what?"
[C-ko suddenly pulls out an oversized bento box filled with thin, grilled strips of what used to be Havoc's omnilingus!]
C-ko: ^-^ "Tripe!"
A-ko: x.x [twitch twitch!] "Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."
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