Even Havoc-chan wasn't spared from the evil reflective tactics being employed by Zirconia. But unlike all the deceptions being used to deter the Senshi from their mission, Havoc-chan just wound up being insulted.
Staring at one of her reflections found the Havoc-chan reflection suddenly stripped nekkid by an unseen perverted force doing a flyby. "Eeeek! That draft's freezing!" the Havoc-chan reflection shrieked, trying to cover herself up before chasing after the perverted force...and subsequently disappearing completely from the mirror.
Havoc-chan stared at the utterly blank mirror in front of her, her eyebrow twitching slightly. "Okay, that's it. I'm officially screwed--and not in a good Rule 3 way either."
But unexpectedly, with no reflection left to look at, Havoc-chan found that she could see straight through the mirror. And hidden on the other side in a secret chamber was the wrinkled tortoise-lady, Zirconia, busy manipulating the false reflections of the Senshi!
Sensing an intrusion, Zirconia turned her head towards Havoc-chan. She took one look at the female ex-uberperv...and immediately glomped onto Havoc-chan. "Oh, it's you!" Zirconia cried out happily. "I've been trying to find you for so long, Havoc. I want you to have my panties! Here, take the ones I'm wearing now."
At the risk of stating the obvious, Havoc-chan promptly freaked. "To hell with the tentacles! Where's that Yaoi Door? Anything but this!!"
"Oh, you're so cruel, Havoc," the wrinkled blue tortoise-thingy sighed, still clinging tenaciously to Havoc-chan's waist. "Go on; they're silky smooth!"
"I need a body double!" Havoc-chan exclaimed. "NinNin, get your useless purple ass over here!"
Instantly responding to the summons, NinNin the uselessly perverted purple ninja, leapt onto the scene. "Hai, Hentenno-sama!"
Havoc-chan gestured down to Zirconia. "Do something!"
NinNin quickly assessed the situation, and nodded to Havoc-chan. "I'm on it. You can trust me!" And with that, NinNin pulled out a video camera and started filming. "Let's get a closeup on your face, you sly dog."
Havoc-chan glared at NinNin. "K-Kono yaro...."
Suddenly a kawaii li'l bowtie shot through the air, imbedding itself in the polished floor next to Havoc-chan. Startled but still climbing all over the much-protesting Havoc-chan, Zirconia looked around. "Who's there?!" she exclaimed.
[Cue Hysteria, dramatically posing atop one of the mirrors in the maze!]
Hysteria: "Fear the kawaii little wrath-chan of the kawaii little agent-chan of love and justice: Sailor Chibi-Haley!"
Yes, despite having been rendered two-dimensional after blowing up the Utena elevator, Hysteria had somehow managed to show up in Nehelenia's mirror world and was ready to help save the day. Or kill it with kawaii, as she is rather prone to doing on an hourly basis.
Clad in her Sailor Chibi-Haley fuku, Hysteria made an exaggerated arm gesture which included flipping Zirconia the middle finger of love and justice! "Hysteria doesn't like such an unkawaii wrinkled woman trying to molest her Havoc-momma and Senshi-mommas! In the name of Sailor Chibi-Haley, Hysteria will give your ass-chan a good kicking!"
This unexpected distraction completely threw Zirconia off, disrupting the demonic reflections she'd been manipulating. The Senshi found their mirror selves returning to normal, and then raced over to the battlezone.
"Your days of stealing dream mirrors and boyfriends are at an end, Zirconia!" Sailor Moon stated. "We, the Sailor Team, are closing your circus for good!"
All the Inner Senshi emphatically nodded.
And as it so happened, just then Nehelenia teleported onto the scene, glaring angrily at the wrinkled blue tortoise-hag. "What is this? I can't even leave this dimension to go to the bathroom for five minutes, without you screwing up my plans for revenge?!"
Zirconia shrank down in behind Havoc-chan. "Forgive me, Nehelenia-sama. I...I just don't know what came over me."
A very unimpressed Havoc-chan looked down at the groping her shrinking bosoms were getting from Zirconia. "You aren't going to know what decked you either if you don't stop doing that."
Rolling her eyes in exasperation, Nehelenia left Havoc-chan to Zirconia. With a malevolent smile her attention was directed to the five Inners standing against her. "Well, at least this saves pointless plot meanderings. Now you all shall come to know why you shouldn't annoy me."
Her eyes flashed with a glowing red light, and suddenly a whole new army of Mirror Paraderies emerged from the surrounding glass.
"Shimatta," Jupiter muttered. "They outnumber us twenty to one."
"We can still take them," Mars countered. "We don't have a choice in the matter."
Nehelenia snapped her fingers, bringing the paraderies to attention. "Kill her friends, but leave the White Moon Princess for me. I want to strangle her personally."
At that, the mirror paraderies charged, overtaking the Inner Senshi in a flood of rampaging youma. Unable to hold their ground even after launching a first or second attack, Sailors Jupiter, Mercury, Mars and Venus found themselves being pushed further and further away from Sailor Moon. And Havoc-chan had managed to break the arm off a mirror paradery, and was brandishing it to keep Zirconia at bay.
"Sailor Moon, look out!" Mars exclaimed.
Sailor Moon found herself hastily ducking a barrage of swipes from Nehelenia's claw-like fingernails. "I won't leave until you give me back my Mamo-chan!" she stated.
"Then you can join him in oblivion!" Nehelenia shouted, managing to wrap one hand around Sailor Moon's neck.
Hysteria: ^-^ "Ooooh, oblivion-chan! Oblivion-chan! (o.O;) Wait a minute...that's not a kawaii place to go! Hysteria has to stop that from happening this very kawaii little minute-chan!"
Havoc-chan: --;; "That's what I'm afraid of."
"Prepare for Hysteria's kawaii little ultimate attack-chan," Hysteria stated, charging up her battle aura-chan and then tearing her blouse open to reveal her sailor training bra and unnaturally genki bosoms. "Jiggle Slave!!"
Havoc-chan immediately dove for cover. "She can't be serious!" she exclaimed. "Not child that young should be able to master that attack!"
Unfortunately, Hysteria didn't have the presence of mind (or a mind at all) to actually cast Jiggle Slave on someone else. As a result she wound up unleashing the spell upon herself. Naturally this triggered her Zoantropy curse, which transformed her into a rather unnatural, gargantuanly kawaii monster. A pair of large horns curved downwards around her head, each one adorned with a large pink ribbon. Her black fur had been combed neatly, and a large kawaii collar and bowtie was around her neck. And to complete the appearance, all her savagely long claws were coloured with bright blue nail polish.
The Hysteria-tropy lifted her head to the skies (or just the really really really really high roof) of Nehelenia's realm and bellowed.
Mercury: [sweatdrop!] "How can such a terrifying hairy monster...be so cute?"
Venus: "Better call her a bakamono instead of a bakemono."
Jupiter: [sigh!] "With Hysteria involved, the word 'baka' is already implied."
Meanwhile, the zoantropied Hysteria looked down at Nehelenia and roared. If it hadn't been for the complimentary subtitles appearing beneath her monstrous, kawaii little hairy form-chan, no one would have been able to understand the enraged roars and snarls she made.
Hysteria-tropy: "GRRRRRRR-CHAN!!! ARRRRR-CHAN!!! ROAR-CHAN!!!"
Complimentary Subtitles: *Hysteria's really pissed off now! Fancy La La Blaguna Girl Blade!!*
Upon seeing that spell getting scrolled across the bottom of the fight scene, all the Inner Senshi immediately dove for cover, shielding their heads and closing their eyes. A puzzled Nehelenia just stood in front of the Hysteria-tropy, looking up at the bakamono.
Seconds later, Hysteria's attack exploded and did to Nehelenia's mirror realm what Perfect Blue does to the minds of any newbie otaku seeing it for the first time. In short: FUBAR, big-time. There was a total meltdown, accompanied by some really cool explosions.
In the aftermath, there was strained silence. Everyone who'd survived was worried if it was safe to actually let it be known that they were alive, lest a repeat be given. But fortunately for all involved (including all you readers), Hysteria's attack had been performed inside a closed pan-dimension, which meant that it had backdrafted and zorched her in the process.
Hysteria: @.@ [scorched li'l fangirl] "Aiyaaaaaaa....."
Having expected this level of ridiculously cute mass destruction, the Senshi emerged from the ruins as unscathed as possible.
"Na-chan, daijobu?" Sailor Venus called out as she frantically searched the debris. "Na-chan, where are you?"
Mars coughed as she pushed the broken frame of a mirror off herself and Sailor Moon. "I think she got blown out of the dimension."
"Odd," Mercury mused to herself as she helped Jupiter up. "Usually there's a sploot effect to go with the exit."
Setsuna: [impatiently tapping her foot] "Great, you mean I *just* missed her again? And now who's going to steal my panties?"
Zirconia: ^-^ "I could try--"
Setsuna: --;; [holding out her big-assed key] "Dead Scream."
Hysteria: ^-^ [glomping Setsuna!] "What about kawaii little Hysteria, Setsuna-momma?"
Setsuna: [trying to pry Hysteria off with her BAK] "I'm not that desperate! Get off me!"
Well, at any rate the good news was that this meant there was only Nehelenia left to defeat. However she was proving to have more lives than Photon. Dazed and utterly bewildered, Nehelenia stood there in the middle of a sea of debris and glass shards. A glazed look had come over her slitted cat's eyes. With a vacant stare she turned her head from left to right, and saw the tattered remains of her once glorious domain, now reduced to this.
Trying to calm herself from the rage and shock overtaking her psyche, she quietly shuffled over to a quiet corner and began to count to ten.
Nehelenia: "One two...three...four five...six...SON OF A--!!!"
* * *
The gate to the Forbidden Lemon was sealed shut as Red Queen Kasumi approached. Sliding the signet ring onto her finger, she pressed the panty emblem against the lock. Something on the other side clicked, and the gate swung wide open for her.
Skimehime-chan moved through the ruins as a chorus of voices sang in the background:
Hentai Unmei Mokkori Iku
Hentai Unmei Mokkori Iku
Sukebe tentacle Doji no benkyo
Hentai Unmei Mokkori Iku
Hentai Unmei Mokkori Iku
Watashi no panty Zettai panty
The fallen buildings of the Hentopia ruins started to rebuild themselves, the broken structures restored to their former glory. A pile of panties and bras covering the ground was abruptly blown away by a cool draft, revealing the Hentopia seal. It flickered to life, and suddenly an enormous spiral staircase extended from it.
Red Queen Kasumi quietly watched it reach up to the heavens. For as wonderfully phallic an image as it was, she made a mental note to instal an escalator and save herself all the time walking up the stairs. At the summit of the staircase, she stepped out into a grand arena that was situated above the clouds. The skies were painted red by the distant setting sun. And high overhead, a gigantic upside-down bra (courtesy of Mega-Rei from the End of Eva movies) was spinning over her head.
With a smile Red Queen Kasumi looked around the arena to find her opponent. With the Benkyo Brigade having been permanently dissolved, there could be only one person who would still have the desire to challenge her.
Across the duelling arena, Havoc-kun adjusted the blazer for his duelling uniform. "Not again," he groaned, looking back to see the words 'I BY DOJO' on the back of the blazer. He then glanced over at Havoc-chan, who would have been decked out in the Perv Bride's dress...had she not been frantically trying to scrub herself clean of Zirconia's fondling.
Havoc-kun: [sweatdrop!] "What happened to you?"
Havoc-chan: --;; [scrub scrub!] "Don't ask."
"WOH HOH HO HO OH HOH!!!" Red Queen Kasumi cackled as she strolled up to the centre of the duelling arena. "So the former Hentenno wishes to reclaim his title by challenging me to another duel, ne? Gomen nasai, Havoc, but at the rate you're going, you'll be lucky to last ten seconds before calling me the Queen."
A cryptic smile made its way onto Havoc-kun's face. "We'll see soon enough," he stated.
"But all your perverted attacks have gone limp," Skimehime-chan countered. "Your Mojo'o-sama is AWOL, and I highly doubt you'll be the uberperv ever again. But there's always an opening for being my human footstool."
Havoc-kun's eyebrow twitched, but he resisted to punt Red Queen Kasumi into the Yaoi Door. If the rubbing from Terminal Dojima was correct, there was a technique he could use despite the absence of his perverted powers. There would be no second chance, he reflected. As he placed a pair of blue panties over his head, Havoc knew that if he failed again he would never be the Hentenno again.
Amused at his stubbornness to bow down and politely lick her boots, Red Queen Kasumi chuckled and placed the Royal Thong over her head. "Anytime now, Havoc-kun," she remarked, cracking her whip.
Havoc-chan warily looked over at the oddly confident Havoc-kun. "You sure this'll work?"
"Well, we're screwed in more ways than one if it flops," Havoc-kun stated, taking an obviously perverted martial arts stance.
A chorus of bells started to ring.
And the final duel to revolutionize the Hentai began.
* * *
"Wait, so let me get this straight," Dark Mayhem said, massaging his temples. He pointed to Riot and Ruckus, who were seated across the table from him & the other fanboys. "SEELE hired you two to try and commandeer our fic?"
Riot nodded, still enjoying his most honourable tea-fu. "They promised us most honourable paycheques for the task of either shutting you down or replacing you as the primary characters. I may be a samurai otaku, but I most honourably cannot live on just pork buns alone."
Having seen how completely pointless their battle had become, everyone involved opted to go to the local Coffee Captor Sakura cafe and talk about the apparent confusion. Well...almost everyone. After insisting that the day was young and he could still productively blow something up, Carnage had to be wrapped up in Pandemonium's tentacles and dragged off.
It was of course an uneasy alliance as the two sides sat across the tables from each other. But this being more a fanboys matter, the Outers opted to sit at their own table nearby and thusly avoid any randomly flying smites. Hotaru had naturally insisted that she & Chaos get their own table. The romantic idea would have worked in theory--had Haruka not been dead set against it, and if Chaos hadn't gone SD and so required a booster seat in order to see over the table.
Hotaru: [sigh!] "Chaos-chan, stop fighting with your napkin and order something."
SD Chaos: [losing to the napkin] "But the napkin started it!
Waitress Tomoyo: [with videocamera!] "You know, if you're getting tired of him, I'm always available."
Hotaru: [blush!] "Ano...."
Haruka: --;; [at another table] "......"
Michiru: "Calm yourself, love. Remember, they are just sitting across the cafe. If Chaos gets out of hand you can lob your Talisman at him. But try not to hit one of his vital organs."
"And you're not the ones responsible for this most dishonourable mirror fixation-fu?" Riot remarked. One of his eyebrows went up. "A thousand apologies then. We assumed it was you."
"You should read Hitoshi Doi's site more often," Pesti-chan stated. His eyes abruptly bugged out when he realized that Ruckus was playing footsies with him under the table.
Dark Mayhem nodded. "It's the resident SM villainess, Nehelenia, who's to blame. Now had you bothered to check this little fact out before sicing your Yaoi Boxers on us, we wouldn't have had to destroy the entire district around Chaos' Chez Baka restaurant."
Demolition glanced over at Pandemonium, who still had Carnage tied down to his chair with a few of her tentacles. A spare tentacle was busy keeping Carnage sucking on a pacifier. "So just where do you fit into all this?"
"Hey, I could have stayed on the F! Files, or joined SEELE," Pandemonium stated emphatically, her bosoms graciously heaving with every syllable. "At least here I don't have a horrific backlog, and as the Jyuban Truant Officer I still get to frisk anyone I want."
"Your life must be so fulfilled now," Dark Mayhem glibly remarked.
Pandemonium scowled at the verbal jab. She raised one of her arms, aiming it the uber exploder fanboy. A small panel popped out to reveal a hidden water pistol.
Newt Schneider: --;; [with sign!] *That was uncalled for!*
"So everything's solved then," Demolition said with a satisfied grin.
"No quite," Riot said, getting out of his chair to draw his katana. "You do realize that we still must complete our most honourable fight of anything-goes, martial arts smite-fu."
Pesti-chan groaned--and then tried not to scream like a girl when Ruckus's toes prodded at his crotch. "Not this again! What will it take for you idiots to cease and desist?"
"Hey, a paycheque is a paycheque," Ruckus stated, wagging a chiding finger at the fanboys. "I'm sure you can appreciate the value of actually having some cash. And Sarcasm's bishies aren't cheap when you rent them out for a weekend either!"
Fanboys: [sweatdrop!] "......"
Scrolling kana: *Yaoi bad! Yaoi bad!*
"I don't believe this," Demolition sighed, shaking his head.
"What I don't believe," Dark Mayhem said as he made use of a nearby kettle of warm water. "is that there apparently is a Coffee Clow Card who's supplying all the drinks around here."
"At least you don't have to change your waitress uniform every five minutes," waitress Sakura lamented as she rollerskated on by their table with another order.
Pesti-chan gestured to Riot and Ruckus. "Ano...remember? Replacement fanboys wanting to smite us?"
Hotaru: --;; "For the last time, my Chaos-chan is NOT a Clow Card! You don't have to capture him!"
Waitress Tomoyo: "But what sort of a normal person acts the way he does? I'll check with Sakura; maybe there's a Baka Card missing from her book."
Chef Kero-chan: [frantically flying away!] "Tasuketeeeeee!!"
Catastrophe: ^-^ [chasing after Kero-chan!] "chu chu!"
Chef Li Xialoauwhatever: "Hey, don't eat my assistant cook! Hmph, I knew I shouldn't have given up that gig with the Iron Anime Chef."
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Am I the only one worried about the plot here, or what?"
Yet despite all the non-sequitur gags running around, Riot, Ruckus & Pan-chan were more than ready to earn their cash and kick some avatar butt. And the fanboys were not about to let their butts get kicked. And Haruka was certainly not about to let Hotaru play footsies with Chaos under the table.
The atmosphere inside the Coffee Captor Sakura cafe was charged with tension, everyone ready to snap and turn the place into a Brutal Killer Martial Arts Tournament. Just as the cows were about to go flying, someone's beeper went off. Or it might have been a tamagotchi. Either way, it startled everyone enough to cause a massive group facevault!
A little antenna extended out from behind Pandemonium's left ear. "It's a call from SEELE," she stated as she listened to the transmission. Her eyes abruptly widened. "Whaddaya mean you won't be able to send us our paycheques for another month or two?...Human Resources processing, my Sexaroid ass!"
Dark Mayhem: ^^v "And what a lovely, well-toned ass it is!"
Riot & Ruckus gawked at Pan-chan in disbelief.
"Most honourable Outer Fanboy huddle-fu," Riot called out as he, Pandemonium and Ruckus all gathered at another table away from everyone else. "What do you mean by a most dishonourable delay?"
"Something about how issuing us our paycheques wasn't a part of the Marduk Report," Pandemonium replied. "They're not going to pay us today after all."
"Curse that SEELE!" Riot exclaimed. "Now my feet hurt...with justice!"
Ruckus turned to the other fanboys. "I think what Zen-boy over here is trying to say is: to hell with SEELE."
"Hai hai," Riot agreed with some nod-fu. "No yen, no Zen. I refuse to work for free, no matter what my most honourable bushido might say. They aren't stringing this avatar along."
Pandemonium shrugged her shoulders (and simultaneously jiggled her bosoms. Long live the Gainax bounce!! :) and retracted her tentacles from around Carnage. "I guess this means we're not out to try and replace you anymore."
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Did that make any sense whatsoever?"
Dark Mayhem: ^-^ "Who cares? That means the fic's over and we can all get pissed drunk on Sake and Hard Lemonade!"
Fanboys: ^^v "Wai!"
"But what about my ravishingly muscular pecs?!" Demolition lamented. "I was hoping to unleash their awesome sexiness in the middle of our next battle against these other fanboys!"
However, everyone else was too busy dancing around in a happy li'l SD mode and chasing after Sakura & Tomoyo for orders of hot Sake to really care about Demolition's studly chest muscles.
SD Riot: "Sake-fu! Most honourable!"
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ [boing!] "Tomoyo-chan, Sakura-chan, let's get some Rule 3 goin' on!"
SD Pesti #6: >( [with mallet!] "The only thing going will be your sorry chibified butt--right through the ceiling! SHIN'NE!!"
[Cue an SD Ruckus pouncing on a hapless SD Pesti #4!]
SD Ruckus: ^^ "Oh, these chibi Pesti's are so cute!"
SD Pesti #4: o.O;; "Kyaaaaaaa!! I don't wanna get Bronzed!"
Demolition's eyebrow twitched at the rest of the cast's obvious disinterest at his mighty pecs of steel. Wistfully he looked up to the skies. "If you really are a gracious author," he prayed. "You'll give me the chance to show the world how well-toned my chest really is."
And at that exact moment, a large pan-dimensional portal opened up from Nehelenia's mirror realm. Demolition had just enough time to turn around to face the black wormhole before finding a bunch of Inner Senshi crashing right on top of him. Everyone glanced over to see Demolition's twitching legs sticking out from a dishevelled dogpile of sailor soldiers.
A demon ward tied to the tip of his Sword of Light, Demolition waved his surrender. "J-Jo'o-samaaaaaa...."
Yes, the author was indeed...not a gracious one.
His lordship Chaos: [towering over his laptop!] "Puny self-inserted mortals! Feel my authorly wrath! MWAH HAH HAH HA HA!!"
Kawaii female assistant: "It's time for your sponge bath!"
His lordship Chaos: ^^v [bounding away from the laptop] "Wai!"