F9!, Part V:
The day after the fic proved to be filled with much of nothing. There would have been much rejoicing if people had actually be around to rejoice. Classes at Jyuban High were cancelled on account of the Cream Lemon storm that still blanketed most of the city in a lemony winter wonderland-esque look. With a day off to do whatever they wanted, the fanboys did the best possible thing amidst all the other hundreds of life-affirming options.
They slept in.
Hey, fighting avatars, a Sailormoon mirror villainess and contending with Pervzilla tuckers out even the strongest of any self-inserted otaku.
But around noon, Pesti-chan found himself woken up by a curious yet enticing aroma. Someone was cooking in the kitchen--and given the auspicious absence of black smoke, sirens from the fire department or a roaring fruit cobbler trying to eat people, it meant that Chaos was not cooking. It also meant Carnage hadn't Flaming Odango Barraged another hapless stack of uncooperative pancakes again.
Shuffling out in his pyjamas, Pesti-chan rubbed the grit from his eyes. "Demolition, is that you?" he called out down the hall.
There came no verbal answer, though now he could hear something being fried in a saucepan. Intrigued, Pesti-chan ventured out into the kitchen. He wound up seeing Ruckus standing in front of the stove, happily cooking breakfast in an apron with li'l SD Bronze characters on it...and wearing nothing else.
Pesti: >.< "Gyaaaaaa!"
"Dammit, Ruckus, put some pants on!" Pesti-chan exclaimed, turning away.
"But this is how I cook best," Ruckus countered. "Want anything?"
Pesti-chan clutched at his stomach, which was now making unpleasant gurgling noises. "No thanks. I think I just lost my appetite."
"Say, what smells so good?" Carnage remarked as he strolled out from the hall closet. "Usually, it's the smell of gunpowder that wakes me up in the morning, but this is--(>.<) Kuso, it's too damn early in the morning to be visually violated like this, Ruckus!"
Ruckus simply chuckled, and then ducked the freezer door abruptly swung open.
"Hey, what's with all the noise?" Demolition said. "Can't a guy slay ogres and gain experience points in peace?" His eyebrow twitched as he spotted Ruckus' nearly-nekkid state. "That I did not need to see."
Ruckus: ^^v "Everyone's shy in front of my manly beauty."
Fanboys: --;; "NOT A CHANCE!!"
"You want to try and train her--er, him out of it, be my most honourable guest," Riot said, making known his presence on one of the living room couches known. He idly flipped through the pages of a Victoria Senshi catalogue one of the fanboys had left lying around. "Oooh, a most honourable two-page spread!"
On the other couch, Anarchy was happily watching Rampage chase after a Pokerat trapped inside a plastic hamster ball. Next to her, Sarcasm was busy getting her shoulders massaged by the hapless vampire Mosquiton. Being fangirls, they had naturally been able to just spend the entire fic relaxing and indulging themselves.
Demolition pulled himself out from the freezer, quickly shuffling past Ruckus. But luckily Ruckus was busy lightly smacking Carnage's butt with the spatula.
"Hey, that's not sanitary!" Pesti-chan stated.
Demolition just shook his head as he flopped down next to Riot. Riot smiled at Demolition. "Greetings, large RPG person! Let us not forget to form a team together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person."
Demolition: [sweatdrop!] "Okaaaaaaaaaay...."
"What are you two doing here?" Dark Mayhem asked, stifling a yawn as he wandered out from his own bedroom.
"Since we're no longer in SEELE's most dishonourable employ," Riot replied. "We figured that this is just as good a place as any to train in the most honourable, anything-goes martial arts smite-fu."
Pesti-chan sweatdropped. "Why with us?"
"Because it's fun where you are!" Ruckus laughed, popping up behind Pesti-chan and giving him a playful groping.
Of course this made Pesti-chan freak and shatter into his 6 SD selves.
"See?" Ruckus said, hoisting one of the twitchy SD Pesti's up by the scruff of his chibi-collar. "You can't beat entertainment like this!"
"Oh yeah?" Carnage replied, rummaging through the fridge for something to drink. "I can entertain us. All I need is a grenade and a funnel."
Demolition rolled his eyes. "Oh, not that again. I mean, Char Aznable's leg hair still hasn't grown back after last time."
"Well if it hadn't been for that flock of Dragon Pink lawn flamingoes, that wouldn't have happened!" Carnage shot back angrily.
"Speaking of burning," Dark Mayhem remarked, pointing down the blackening tempura vegetables.
Ruckus shrieked and tossed SD Pesti #4 over his shoulder as he raced back and tried to save his breakfast. SD Pesti #4 was left clinging tenaciously to the ceiling fan.
"Well, that batch is ruined," Ruckus sighed, trying to dispel the smoke with a few choice swipes with a Han-Dachi sword. "Might as well trash that."
Lamenting over his ruined meal, Ruckus scraped the burned vegetables into the sink drain. He then had to smack the side of the counter as a loud, grating noise came from the sink. "Hey, why isn't the garbage disposal working?" Ruckus asked.
"Oh, that?" Anarchy remarked nonchalantly. "It kinda broke after the fourth Nyan Nyan."
"By the way, the blender's not working now either," Sarcasm added.
SD Pesti #5: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...."
SD Pesti #4: [still clinging to the ceiling fan] "A little help here? TASUKETE!!!"
"Well, at least the coffee maker's working," Dark Mayhem said, pouring himself a large cup of Eye of Foggler's Coffee. "I need a good jolt of caffeine today."
Carnage leaned over and peered into the coffee cup. "Ano...any reason why your espresso has just pledged allegiance to Big Fire?"
Carnage's eyes widened as moments later Havoc came dropping down from above and landed right on his head. "You should try my Starbuck Nekkid brand of coffee," Havoc stated with a grin, looking down at the twitching body of Carnage sprawled across the kitchen floor. "I use only the freshest wareme, which I then put into my bump n' grinder."
"I was at a Starbuck Nekkid cafe right before F9! started," Dark Mayhem said. "Your menu's rather expensive there, Havoc."
Havoc huffed, taking slight insult to that. "Hey, I may be easy, but I'm not cheap."
Suddenly Carnage reared up, his eyes wide and red. "SHIN'NE!!" he howled, pointing a Castor gun at Havoc. But luckily another freak splooting was averted as Demolition managed to stick a demon ward to Carnage's head right before the Cream Lemon would have started to fly.
Carnage: @.@ "Aiyaaaaaa...."
"Yep, the fic's back to normal," Dark Mayhem quipped as he ripped the ward from Carnage's forehead.
Dark Mayhem then glanced down as SD Pesti #6 ran between his legs. "Well, as normal as it'll ever get with us involved."
"Case in point," Demolition remarked, pointing over to the wall scroll which led into Chaos' bedroom.
A very bedraggled Chaos was limping out from his wall scroll, his twitching eyes looking from one fanboy to the next. And then he spotted Havoc. "YOU!" he snarled, lurching his way towards Havoc. "It could only have been you!"
"What did Havoc do to you?" Riot asked.
Chaos glared at Havoc. "It's not what he did to me, oh no. Not at all. But what he did to Hotaru...."
His voice trailed off ominously.
"Look, she came to me, okay," Havoc said calmly. "It's not the first time she's gone to me for advice."
Carnage: [aside to Dark Mayhem] "Though the last time she did that, a giant breast terrorized the fic."
Dark Mayhem: "Hai hai."
Demolition: [sweatdrop!] "So this is what I missed before I showed up."
"You had to educate her and turn her into Mistress 69!" Chaos exclaimed, grappling onto the collar of Havoc's DOJI BOY shirt. "I spent the entire night fleeing from her. At first I thought we were just harmlessly roleplaying...and then she hauled out the tickle whip!"
But just as Chaos was about to start into his tirade, the door to Hysteria's room was thrown open. Out raced Suoh Takamura, so frantic on escaping that he bowled Chaos over without even looking.
"Suoh-chan, get your kawaii little ass-chan back here so you can have a kawaii little tea party with Hysteria and Nehelenia-chan!" came Hysteria's voice from inside the bedroom.
Moments later chibi-Nehelenia was heard to lament, "Suoh, you cad! You pick the lock to your leg cuffs and then leave me behind with the likes of her?!"
"Um...hide me!" Suoh exclaimed, looking at the fanboys.
"If the garbage disposal wasn't already broken, we could stuff you in there," Anarchy piped up.
Suoh sweatdropped at the suggestion.
Yet there was no time to run away as Hysteria came barrelling out from her room. Suoh quickly acted casual, leaning against Dark Mayhem and flashing Hysteria a charming smile. "Yo, Hysteria-sempai."
Hysteria skidded to a stop, warily appraising Suoh. "Na ni?"
"You're looking as cute as ever today," Suoh added.
But Hysteria stepped back, not believing the act at all. "That's not the way Suoh-chan normally acts."
"But that's just it," Suoh said, lying through his teeth. "I'm actually a Suoh look-alike, meant to serve as a decoy. You're supposed to glomp me while the real Suoh escapes."
Hysteria's eyes narrowed. "Really?"
Suoh looked up at the other fanboys for help. They immediately all nodded and started agreeing. "Oh yeah, the real Suoh's somewhere else," SD Pesti #2 said, munching on an omochi.
"Somewhere far far away," Carnage added, trying not to sound too enthusiastic about ridding the apartment of her. "You should leave right now because he's got a good headstart."
Riot cracked his knuckles. "We could most honourably help her on her way."
However, Hysteria was already lost in her kawaii little hissy fit. "Waaaah!" she cried. "Hysteria doesn't like that!" Hysteria paused and looked over at Sarcasm. "Maybe Keebler-chan knows where Suoh-chan is."
Sarcasm: "STOP CALLING ME KEEBLER-CHAN!!"
Hysteria: [venturing a guess] "Keebler-poo?"
Sarcasm: >.< "ARGH!!"
"So where is the real kawaii little Suoh-chan?" Hysteria sniffled.
"Um...." Suoh looked the apartment. His gaze immediately fell upon the Yaoi Door. "He went through that door!"
Hysteria, completely clueless about the sign on the door, eagerly dashed forward. "Wai! Wai! Suoh-chan can come back to Hysteria's kawaii little tea party! And Hysteria can dress him up in her kawaii little ribbon-chaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Her cute squeak became a scream as she opened up the door and dozens of naughty tentacles spilled out on top of her. In the span of about five seconds the tentacles wrapped around Hysteria and dragged her inside, the Yaoi Door slamming itself shut behind her.
Everyone: [sweatdrop!] "Baka."
Akane Tendo: "Ranma no bakabakabakabakabakabakabaka!!"
Ruri: "Baka baka, minna baka."
Havoc sighed. "She really is two cute lesbians short of a Rule 3."
"What do you expect from someone who plays with matching Barbie and Kenshin dolls?" Dark Mayhem said dryly.
"Just where did she come from anyways?" Ruckus remarked, scratching his head with a shuriken dart.
"Maybe all anime kids from the future are like that," Riot said. "Most dishonourable if so."
All of the fanboys sighed. "We wish we knew...but she's not my daughter!!"
"This is ridiculous," Demolition said. "I mean, she doesn't call me, Riot or Ruckus her poppa. So it's got to be one of you guys who's the father."
He wound shrinking into a panicky SD mode when the looming demonic shadows all the other fanboys rose up in front of him. "Of course, I could be mistaken," he hastily added.
"What we need is an answer," Carnage stated.
Dark Mayhem nodded. "Someone who can explain all this."
"Someone who isn't evil and enjoys withholding information like our author does," Pesti-chan added, sighing in relief as he regrouped.
Chaos smacked his fist into his palm. "That settles it! We must find the Vandread Pirate Roberts!"
He was instantly punted into the wall by the other fanboys.
"She has to be that half-wit's kid," Carnage growled. "Who else could be that stupid?"
"But what about her mecha obsession?" Pesti-chan countered. "Recall the Fancy La Lafressia mobile suit she created last week?"
Carnage scowled. "No, and I'll thank you to leave me in my state of denial."
"What about her Zoantropy abilities?" Dark Mayhem added. "Or her Jusenkyo curse, or her perverted tendencies, or her chibi-Senshi persona?"
Chaos sighed as he tried to comb the Suoh footprints out of his hair. "Or Anarchy-like destructive powers? Let's not forget that."
"Actually, I'd argue a Fancy La La Blaguna Girl Blade is something that should never be spoken of again," Carnage pouted, recalling the last unpleasant encounter he'd had with that.
"You know what my theory is," Desolation said, suddenly standing on the ceiling of the apartment.
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "What are you doing up there?"
Fairy Godbabbit: "Gravity is arbitrary, especially in your fics."
"Now I took a look at some of the photos of us," Desolation continued. "And then it hit me."
"A space colony?" Chaos asked.
Desolation shook his head. "No, that was afterwards. But I think Anarchy is actually Hysteria's mother. Think about it! They both have blue-ish hair, both have made tormenting Chaos into an artform as opposed to just a hobby, both have energy fields that repel attacks--"
[Fanboy's Note: Anarchy's AT field and Hysteria's QT (pronounced Cu-Tie) field]
"--and even Hysteria's turning into Sailor Chibi Haley can be explained away. By my theory she's Chaos' niece, so there is family factoring into it."
By now everyone was staring at Desolation in utter surprise and awe.
"You know, he just might be right," Demolition remarked.
"As for Hysteria's obsession with all things cute," Desolation added. "along with her general insanity, I think the evil intelligence Anarchy has must skip a generation or t--"
Suddenly Desolation was clobbered by a flying AT Field, pieces of him going straight through the wall...and the rest of the building.
Everyone's eyes bugged out, and they slowly turned their heads to look at Anarchy. She, in turn, was looking right at the group with a most unamused scowl on her face.
"Or...Hysteria could be someone else's kid!" Pesti-chan piped up nervously.
The other fanboys vehemently nodded their heads. "Hai!"
"That still doesn't most honourably help you find the answer," Riot remarked as he surveyed the large Deso-shaped (not to mention Deso-stained) hole in the wall.
"True, she seems to exhibit traits from fanboys and Senshi alike," Dark Mayhem said. "And the fact that she calls practically everyone her 'momma' and 'poppa' doesn't help either. I mean, she's even referred to Naoko Takeuchi as 'Naoko-momma'."
Chaos shuddered at that. "I shudder to think--"
Carnage: "You think?"
Chaos: "I try not to. It hurts whenever I do."
"Anyhoo," Chaos continued. "Hasn't Naoko stated that she based Usagi on herself? So...since Chibiusa is Usagi's daughter from future, maybe both Chibiusa and Hysteria are based on Naoko's own daughters from future."
Chaos abruptly froze as he sensed a very evil shadow looming over him.
Naoko Takeuchi: [evil demonic manga artist mode!] "WHAT?!?!"
Chaos: ;_; "Jo'o-sama."
At the risk of stating the obvious, Naoko's 1000t mallet subsequently rendered Chaos a large smoking crater in the basement of the apartment complex. With an indignant sniff, the illustrious Sailormoon creator stomped out from the apartment. Moments later she was realized Havoc had stolen her underwear.
At the risk of stating the obvious...again, Naoko's 1000t mallet subsequently rendered Havoc a large Cream Lemon detonation that left everyone waist-deep in whipped cream.
"Gee, thanks Havoc," Dark Mayhem said darkly. He stepped aside as Ruckus suddenly jumped out from the whipped cream and pounced on a much-protesting Pesti-chan. "Now our apartment matches the rest of the city."
Havoc popped up from a large drift o' splooty goodness, rubbing the sides of his head. "I may be back to my old self, but damn! That sploot thing really gets you dizzy."
Demolition began wiping whipped cream off his clothes and armour. "At least it wasn't Hysteria's sploot-chan. Last time she did that, I got Cream Lemon down my pants and a kawaii little bowtie up my nose."
"So if she's got a trait from each of us, who's the biological mother and father?" Chaos sighed.
Washu-sensei: ^^v [popping up!] "I'm glad you asked!"
Chaos: [recoiling in surprise!] "Ack! Where'd you come from?!"
Washu-sensei, clad in her black professor's robes, quickly pushed everyone into a classroom where their whipped cream-filled living room had been. Awaiting them were three rows of desks, with two chairs in behind each desk. Washu-sensei stood up at the front next to a chalkboard.
"Pan-dimensional scene change-fu," Riot said with a nod of approval. "Most honourable. I shall take the front desk and study her impressive technique."
"Can I pair up with you, Carnage?" Ruckus giggled, glomping onto Carnage's back.
Carnage flailed around in trying to get the amorous bishounen ai ninja off. "What part of 'leave my underwear alone' do you not understand?!"
Rei: [glare!] "Akito, what are you doing with that other man?"
Ruckus: ;p "Caught with my hand in the cookie jar, so to speak."
Sure enough not only Rei but *all* the other Senshi had suddenly appeared in the classroom. Minako looked around the place in bewilderment, wearing just a towel. "This is not my bathroom," she stated.
"But that's not necessarily a bad thing," Hotaru said as she strolled up to Chaos and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "Ne, Chaos-chan?"
Chaos glanced over at Haruka, who was busy sharpening her Space Sword and glaring at him. "Oh, that might be debatable in about two seconds."
"What are you all doing here?" Pesti-chan asked as he stretched his arm over Makoto's shoulders.
Washu-sensei coughed loudly to catch their attention. "Everyone is here because today is the day we at last reveal Hysteria's parentage! Now then, would all the designated couples please share a desk?"
Someone immediately put up their hand. "And just what do I have to do with this?" Beans demanded hotly.
Havoc smirked. "You remember that menage a trois in the Authors Must Be Crazy, when Chaos was in your body?"
Beans' face blanched. "B-But...no...no, that's just not possible!" She turned to Haruka. "He's not serious, is he?"
"Well, you did write that 'One Wish' fic about something like this happening," Haruka replied with an evil grin. She turned to Michiru. "That would at least explain the bouts of morning sickness you've had lately."
Haruka looked back to see the expression on the bean's face, but by then poor Beans had already passed out.
His lordship Chaos: >) [in front of his laptop] "Ooooh, Amanda's so going to kill me when she finally regains consciousness."
"If I might be able to have your attention," Washu-sensei said, tapping the blackboard with her pointer. "Everyone please sit down. And all romantic couples need to share a desk."
Dark Mayhem and Ami took one desk...and then moved to another desk when they flambeed their first one. Carnage and Rei shared a desk, as did Pesti-chan and Makoto. Chaos worriedly looked back over his shoulder to Haruka and Michiru, who were in the desk right behind him and Hotaru.
Anarchy, with Rampage in her arms, dragged Tasuki over to one desk, and made sure the desktop couldn't be seen for all the Sake bottles. Sarcasm took a seat in the back, and was never seen again as her flock of bishies attended to her and blocked her from anyone's view.
"May I join you?" Minako asked, gesturing to the empty seat next to Usagi.
Usagi nodded. "Hai! Mamo-chan couldn't be here; he's still recovering from being a masked couch potato."
"So who do I sit with?" Setsuna sighed. She surveyed the classroom, and froze as she saw Havoc sitting next to a vacant seat.
"Come for--er, to Hentenno, Setsuna-chan," Havoc said, crooking his finger at her.
Meanwhile, Riot got stuck sitting next to Ruckus. "Don't even start," he most honourably muttered, ignoring the optimistic grin on Ruckus' face.
Demolition: [looking down at his desk partner] "......"
Catastrophe: ^-^ "chu chu!"
"Is anyone missing?" Washu-sensei called out.
Havoc put up his hand, with a pair of panties now dangling from his fingertips. "Hai! Pan-chan's not here!"
As if on cue, Pandemonium shrieked and dropped down from the rafters above. Luckily, her bosoms cushioned her fall. The same can't be said for Chaos' face.
"Chaos-chan!" Hotaru exclaimed irately. "Get that Sexaroid Boomer off you!"
However, Chaos was too busy flailing around beneath Pandemonium's heavy titanium body to give a coherent response. This was made even more difficult by the fact that her bosoms had neatly smothered his face and were now suffocating him. Once Pandemonium managed to get stood up, she glared at Havoc.
"You could have just paged me on my beeper, Otoka-san," she growled. "You didn't have to use the computer command to get me bounding over here!"
"Say, where's Deso?" Pesti-chan remarked.
Washu gave a diplomatic cough. "Um, rumour from his Fairy Godbabbit is that he'll be a little late."
[Somewhere in the middle of Tokyo....]
Rogue youma: "Your pure heart is mine!"
Desolation: [checking his watch] "Hai hai. You can take it from me once my two-thirty arrives...that is, if you survive."
Rogue youma: o.O;
[Cue the falling space colony!]
Fairy Godbabbit: [watching from a safe distance] "Too bad Earth can't build a trampoline large enough to bounce those things back into orbit."
"Now then," Washu said, resuming the class tutorial. "Let's look at the facts. We know that Hysteria showed up for no good reason at the end of F8!, part 1. She exhibits traits that echo of the character profiles for most of the fanboys. At the same time she can transform into a chibi-Senshi. And with the exception of a few people--"
Everyone looked at Demolition, Sarcasm, Riot and Ruckus.
"--she calls everyone her momma or poppa."
"Or both," Chaos grumbled. "Stupid gender-bending transformation."
Washu lobbed some chalk at Chaos for talking out of turn, and then resumed her lecture. "As I was saying, Hysteria shares many traits with both Senshi and fanboy alike. She writes fanfics as bad fics as Chaos."
"Case in point-chan," Pesti-chan lamented, holding up a Hysteriafic all wrapped in a kawaii bow. "Ruruoni Kaikenshin Phrase. What sort of an idiot turns all the samurai of Kenshin into a stuck-up boy band anyways?"
Chaos: o.O; "Why...that's brilliant! But it's still not as good as my Dragon Half-Ball. I mean, what's not to like about Mink-chan going Super Saiyan?"
Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "Demo-chan, you cast the Freeze Arrow. I'll ready the beam cannon."
Washu-sensei called the class to attention shortly after Chaos got zorched in his seat...and Hotaru retaliated by using her Silence Glaive to bisect a distraught Carnage's beam cannon.
"If I might continue with reviewing the facts," she said. "Hysteria also transforms into Sailor Chibi Haley, which points to Chaos as the father. However, she also has Mayhem's Jusenkyo Newt-curse and faulty dating chromosome. Like Pesti-chan she Zoantropies. Akin to Havoc, she can perform a Cream Lemon sploot when smited. Her love of mecha indicates Carnage as a potential candidate. And she also wields incredibly destructive smites that further incriminates Carnage, as well as Anarchy.
"With so many traits it's practically impossible to say for certain who her parents are. However, it's worth noting that her similarities with the Senshi are rather small and could be coincidences. Her cooking skills that would indicate Makoto as the mother might come from elsewhere, as might her Usagi-styled appetite. The two are not such rare things, after all."
All the Senshi let out an audible sigh of relief.
"SO WHO IS IT?!" came the loud, resounding shout of the fanboys.
Washu tossed her pointer over her shoulder, and then started up an old movie reel projector. "Let's look at some of the possible theories...."
Minako: ^-^ "Oooh, a video!"
Pesti: "Quick, I'll make the popcorn!"
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