[Enter a really panicked SD Chaos]
Chaos: "Tasukete!!! This is his lordship Chaos saying 'SOF'! Save our Fanboys! We need a place to hide for the second half of this fanfic! Anywhere!"
Pesti: "Calm down, Chaos. I'm sure that whoever sent us that E-mail saying 'I know what you did last fanfic' was only joking."
Chaos: "Only joking?! You heard what Anarchy said!"
Mayhem: "Yes, apparently there's a crazed killer stalking through Sailor Moon fanfics everywhere looking to smite to death anyone responsible for either a really bad or a really dumb self-gratifying fanfic that he believes has insulted his favourite Senshi. And his alleged method of fatal smiting is via a pan dimensional Anime mallet where his right hand once was."
Pesti: "Nice reiteration. Anyway, Chaos, did it ever occur to you that maybe she's doing this just to torment you?"
Chaos: "Oh yeah? Then what the [beep!] [beep!] is that?!"
[Cue the crazed killer who knows what they did last fanfic!]
Mayhem: "This is just Anarchy in a clever disguise, Chaos. Here, let me prove it to you...come here, you. As I was saying, this is only a mask [gasp!] and damn but it's on tight! Sugoi, this is a really good get-up you have there, Anarchy."
Anarchy: "Um, I'm over here, Mayhem."
[3 seconds to Fanboy panic...2...1...cue the SD versions!]
All: "KYAAAAA!!! It's the crazed killer who knows what we did last fanfic!"
Pesti: "How'd he get into our intro?!"
Anarchy: "Do *you* want to ask him?"
Chaos: "HE'S GONNA SMITE ME!!! [dials cell phone] Moshi moshi...Beans? Hai, Chaos here! We need a place to hide! A fanfic! Your fanfic! Your aquarium for all I care!! Tasku...na ni? Hey!! She hung up."
Pesti: "I blame you for this, Chaos."
[Enter Havoc happily bounding across the introduction with Shampoo and Ukyo screaming after him "Give us back our panties, you pervert!!"]
Mayhem: "Was that a distraction?"
Chaos: "Good enough! Run for the door!"
Anarchy: "This is an introduction, you moron! Intro's don't have doors!"
Pesti: "What about the `scroll' command?"
[The crazed killer doth approacheth!]
Mayhem: "He's cooooooooming."
Chaos: "KYAAAAAA!!!! TASUKE--!!!"
[We are experiencing technical difficulties with this introduction. Please stand by.]
You ever wake up and have no idea what the hell happened the night before...or even the hour before? Well that last time such a thing happened three now infamous Fanboys woke up from an all-night Anime bash at their apartment to discover they had suddenly and mysteriously appeared in Anime Tokyo. And one again how poetic that history should repeat itself!
Yet this time it was not a Fanboy who awoke to discover their world had been rather altered. Yes indeed if you had paid attention to the previous segment of Fanboys 4! you would know that this can only mean one thing: Ami-chan experiences her first (and most likely last) hangover...among other things. Yes, because not only did Rampage celebrate having eaten her 10th kawaii mascot (despite all efforts from the SPCAM), but we also discovered a new method of smiting.
Pesti: "Shimatta, and here I was hoping to be the first to use an army of plastic pink flamingos."
Chaos: "Curse you, Sailor Star Polaris! I shall strike back, and Taiki's Gentle Uterus attack is still the dumbest attack I've ever heard!"
[Chaos is immediately smited by another large, gentle uterus.]
Mayhem: "Hmm, two outsider smitings in one fanfic. I think that's a record."
Moving right along and out of the rapid dialogue mode lest your eyes start to do that sugoi spinny-line thing, we quickly flash ahead to early Saturday morning.
Ami-chan groggily opened her eyes, groaning as she clutched her temples. Everything was a blur about last night, and anything that wasn't a blur was making her sick to her stomach. With squinted (but kawaii none the less!) blue eyes she looked around the room. The rest of the Inner Senshi, along with Anarchy and Rampage were milling around this spare bedroom at Rei's temple. Which of course means she had spent the night there.
"Ah! Ami-chan's awake!" Usagi exclaimed, leaping to her bedside.
Ami-chan winced at the throbbing in her head. "Wh-what happened?" she asked. "Why am I here?"
Rei and Minako looked at each other in surprise. "She doesn't remember!" they chorused.
"With the seven bottles she downed I'm surprised she can even recall what day of the week it is," Makoto replied, sliding open the shoji screen to reveal a beautiful morning sun.
Ami tried to shield her suddenly rather sensitive eyes from the sun. "What exactly did I do yesterday?"
"Oh, just got drunk out of your mind, kissed a guy for the first time, unleashed a feared demon sorcerer," Anarchy replied nonchalantly. "The way I usually spend my Friday nights."
Ami-chan recoiled. "I...did what?" she exclaimed, wincing.
"Poor Ami-chan," Minako sighed.
Makoto nodded. "Must sound like a jet's breaking the sound barrier inside her skull."
"CHU CHU!" And with that a cheerful Rampage-chan bounced into Ami-chan's arms and snuggled up in the hopes of getting her tummy rubbed. She got the attention from Usagi and Minako.
Anarchy glanced at the temple grounds. "Well, I suppose I should see whether or not this Dark Schnieder character has hideously smited the guys yet."
"With Havoc we can only hope," Rei lamented.
The other Senshi nodded in agreement.
Anyhoo, in order to get the plot going we now must switch scenes to another building in the Fire River Temple. The fanboys stood across the room from Dark Schnieder, each one staring silently at the other. And not much else was happening. Nothing. Nothing at all. Not as much as a pin dropping to the floor. Not even a...damn, is it getting boring in this fanfic or is it just me?
"Well, this is exciting," Havoc remarked, playing with his Tama-echi.
"Will you cut that out, Havoc?!" Chaos exclaimed, seizing the virtual hentai slave. He glanced over as Tasuki tapped his shoulder.
"Ne," Tasuki asked. "Can I play with it?"
Chaos's eyebrow developed a nasty twitch.
"So who is this Dark Schneider guy anyways?" Pesti-chan asked.
"You mean you've never heard of me?" Dark Schnieder exclaimed incredulously. An innocent & kawaii Pesti-chan, complete with kitten ears n' tail, shook his head. Dark Schnieder sighed. "Shit. I should be more famous than this, you know."
"Why did you ask this now?" Havoc inquired, laying back onto the floor and thinking about his previous night's escapades as a her. At the risk of getting into rather useless plot exposition, Hongo Yui discovered that she had seemed to summon not the dragon god Seiryu but a hentai girl instead. Nakago promptly blasted Havoc back into the fanfic again.
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Havoc added. "Why ask about Dark Schnieder now, Pesti-chan? I mean, you've been here with him and Chaos for the entire night."
Pesti-chan shrugged. "Hey, if I asked earlier, the people reading this fanfic wouldn't have been able to fully understand the humour behind Dark Schnieder's presence."
"Allow me to explain," Chaos said. "In the Anime series Bastard!!! the main character is this really bad-ass demon sorcerer named Dark Schnieder. In order to stop his reign of terror, he was sealed into the body of an innocent young boy--"
"You're calling Mayhem 'innocent'?" Pesti-chan asked.
Chaos shrugged. "Whatever. Anyways, the need arose for him to be freed from being sealed in the kid's body. And the only way that can be done is by a spell and a virgin's kiss."
Havoc: "That means Ami-chan was a virgin. I know a lot of hentaific authors who won't be pleased about this turn of events."
Chaos: "Must you think hentai every [beep!]ing day, Havoc?!"
Pesti: "Chaos, this is Havoc. You need to count those perverted thoughts per second, not per day."
Tasuki: "Hey, wait a minute! Ami only kissed him; there wasn't a damn spell! We got shafted!"
Chaos sighed, flicking aside his sweatdrop. "This is a Curse of the Fanboys!! fanfic. Does anything ever seem to go right?"
"Ara ara," Pesti-chan conceded. He turned to Dark Schnieder. "Now, Mister Schnieder, if you don't mind, we'd like our Mayhem back please. The author still hasn't had enough fun tormenting him with his defective dating chromosome."
Dark Schnieder sneered, crossing his arms over his chest. "Ha! Don't make me laugh. I'm finally out and I'm staying out for good! And just what in the hell are you guys supposed to be anyways?"
Chaos puffed out his chest. "I'll have you know we're also lords of Mass Destruction. Do you want to trade smiting techniques? Or are you afraid of me and my army of falling cows?"
Havoc handed Pesti-chan and Tasuki a bikini-clad, SD Princess Shiela-patterned umbrella. "Here. I've seen the series. You'll want to use this right about now."
Dark Schnieder grinned devilishly. "Certainly, I'll show you my techniques. VENOM!!!"
The powerful and devastating magic of Dark Schnieder's Venom spell erupted inside the room, smashing into Chaos. Pesti-chan winced as Chaos broke not only the laws of gravity but also several sliding shoji screens before leaving a crater of himself in a wooden beam.
"Now that's one helluva smite!" Tasuki exclaimed, blowing out the little flames left on his torched umbrella.
"Oh yeah," Chaos said, coughing out a little cloud of smoke in a rather high-pitched voice. "I'm going to be feeling that for the rest of the fanfic."
Dark Schnieder cackled. "Ha ha! I think I'm going to like it here!" He glanced around the room. "So where did Ami-chan go?"
Pesti-chan glanced over at Chaos. "Ami-chan?"
"In the series, Luche--the kid who had Schnieder trapped inside of him--had a crush on Tia Noto-Yoko, the girl who had to kiss him to unleash Dark Schnieder. As a result, Schnieder also had a crush on Yoko and always made sure to protect her."
"Sugoi!" Pesti-chan said. "Um, Chaos, are we all done with long-winded explanations now?"
Chaos nodded. "Hai! Let the dementedness begin!"
Havoc dabbed at his face with a strangely familiar article of clothing. "Whew! It is rather hot this morning, ne?"
Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Havoc, what is that?"
"This?" Havoc inquired, unfolding the garment for all to see. "Oh, just another momento."
Chaos: "Oh you didn't!"
Havoc: "Hai! I grabbed Arshes Nei's jumpsuit!"
Chaos: "Pesti-chan, Tasuki; do yourselves a favour."
Dark Schieder was fuming at Havoc. "You...molested...my Arshes Nei-chan?!"
Havoc, still with that Chichiri-like grin of his, glanced up at the now looming Dark Schnider with his battle magic arau. "Oro?"
Seconds later Havoc went where no fanboy had gone before, courtesy of Dark Schneider's Megadeth attack. And somewhere out there, Reika and the entire Debutante Detective Corp. team were stripped buck naked before they could figure out who was targeting them for death.
"Sugoi!" Chaos exclaimed, looking up at the hole in the ceiling. "It'll be a wonder if he ever comes back for the last half of this fanfic."
"I'd say Dark Schnieder blasted Havoc into another fanfic series altogether," Pesti-chan remarked.
"'I'd say Dark Schnieder blasted Havoc into another fanfic series'," Chaos and Tasuki chorused.
A thorougly unamused Pesti-chan glanced over at his sweatdrop and promptly clubbed Chaos with it. However he did not club the Suzaku Seichi because this little fanboy valued his non-barbecued, super deformed life very much.
Dark Schnieder sighed, brushing aside his silver/purple bangs. "Geez, what a bunch of dumbass wierdoes."
"Maybe he's here to protect us after all," Pesti-chan suggested.
"From what?" Chao asked. "What is out there in the fanfics that could possibly be done to us that hasn't been done already?!"
Just then there was a slow, quiet knock at the shoji screen. Everyone turned around to see a large, bulky silhouette calmly walk away. And yet, when seconds later the valiant and brave lord Chaos threw Pesti-chan through the screen to make sure it was safe, the entire temple grounds were deserted.
"What does it say?" Chaos asked.
"It's a note," Tasuki said. "Hey! It's another 'I know what you did last fanfic' threat! Cool, that makes two so far! You guys are really toast now!"
"I fail to see the excitement in this," Pesti-chan said. "No doubt somewhere in this fanfic the crazed killer with a pan-dimensional mallet for a right hand is bound to start hunting us down."
Dark Schnieder sneered. "Hmph! Someone so much as tries to hurt my Ami-chan and I'll kick his ass ten times over."
Tasuki grinned. "I like this guy!"
Chaos rolled his eyes, glancing down at his watch. "You would." Suddenly his eyes bugged out incredibly wide. "Shimatta!" he exclaimed. "We have to be at the Magical Girl competition in an hour if we want to register!"
"Shouldn't you be more worried about a crazed killer of bad or mocking fanfics wanting to smite you to death than figuring out whether or not you're wearing a one or two-piece swimsuit?" Pesti-chan inquired, swatting aside his pesky sweat drop.
[Cue the SD Chaos bouncing around the room!]
"KYAAAAA!!! I forgot about the swimsuit competition!" Chaos lamented. "Pesti-chan, do you think I should go for the bikini or the one piece? Augh! Decision decisions!!"
He produced his transformation stick. "We must act fast! Fanboy Planet Power: Make Up!"
And with that, Chaos became Sailor Haley: breasts, skirt, Rhalina Peacecroft appearance and all.
"Wh-What in the hell?" Dark Schnieder said, poking Chaos' breasts with a finger. "You're one freaky little guy! But you've got nice breasts."
Chaos scowled. "I would hurt you, but I've seen your Guns N' Ro attack and wish to live and let live--namely myself." He snapped his fingers. "Now if you'll excuse me, my public awaits!"
So Lord Chaos took one small step for Fanboys, and one giant stumble for...um, well...hmmm, for Fanboykind?
[Fanboy's Note: I notice you're not buying into that, ne?]
And thus with the stubbing of his toe, Lord Chaos tripped and toppled across the floor right into the arms of Dark Schnieder...and as it so happens their lips accidentally met. In a grand display of smoke and whirlwinds of blue shiny things we can only assume to be magic, Dark Schnieder reverted back into Mayhem.
"Disgusting!" Mayhem exclaimed, trying to clean off his tongue. "Chaos, you pervert! I can't believe you kissed me!"
He swooned, regaining his balance only after knocking over a bowl of cold water and being reduced to newt form once again. Luckily Pesti-chan had a pan dimensional kettle of warm water handy if such an occasion arose.
Mayhem rubbed his temples, looking at the bulky oversized kimono meant for Dark Schnieder's large frame. "Shimatta, it's like X: The Movie's replaying itself inside my head. What the hell happened?"
"He doesn't remember," Tasuki remarked.
"Neither did Luche," Chaos replied. "Daijobu, Mayhem. There's nothing to panic about. Ami-chan kissed you, and her virgin kiss unleashed Dark Schnieder who's been apparently sealed inside your body."
Pesti-chan's eyebrow twitched. "Oh yeah, like that would calm me down."
Mayhem: "Ami-chan kissed me?"
Mayhem: "And I missed it?!"
Chaos: "You were slightly catatonic at the time. Plus right after the kiss you turned into a big naked demon sorcerer."
Pesti: "Gee, thanks for taking me back there, Chaos."
Just then, Anarchy walked in. "Hey guys, if you want to visit her, Ami-chan's finally awake from her hangover. Hm? Mayhem, you're back to yourself."
Mayhem groggily nodded. "Hai."
"We got another letter from the crazed killer who knows what we did last fanfic," Pesti-chan added. "I fear for the conclusion of our fanfic."
Anarchy shrugged. "So long as he doesn't come after me, he'll be fine."
"No one in their right or left mind would try to hurt you," Chaos retorted. "You'd smite Kami-sama only knows what up their butt."
Anarchy cocked an eyebrow. "Um, Chaos, why the hell are you a girl again?"
"KYAAAA!!!" Chaos exclaimed, leaping into SD mode again. "The Magical Girl Beauty Pagent! We've gotta be there in fourty-five minutes! I'll tell the other Senshi!"
And with that he raced through the temple grounds.
"Not that way!" Anarchy shouted after him. "Mako-chan and the others are changing in that side of the building! Use the other side!"
Almost catching himself in another embarrassing and potentially painful situation, Chaos raced around to the other side and threw open the sliding screen door. Instantly he was met with nekkid flashes and five female screams of:
Mayhem and Pesti-chan looked over at a grinning Anarchy, sweatdrops circling their heads.
"So I lied," she said.
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