"Chaos," Pesti-chan asked, looking over his shoulder. "Who's that?"
They all turned to see an enormous, bulky silhouette standing at the other end of the hall, blocking their only way out.
"Maybe it's Bean Bandit," Mako-chan suggested. "He did agree to be on the security detail for this."
And then Pesti-chan saw the gleam of the lights reflecting off the pan-dimensional mallet the silhouette had where a right hand used to be. Slowly he started to back away.
"P-p-p-p-p," he stammered, trying to say "pan-dimensional mallet" and failing.
"What is it?" Mako-chan asked.
"I think he's trying to tell us something," Chaos said. "What is it, Pesti-chan? Did Timmy fall in the well again?"
Pesti-chan leaped into the air and smacked Chaos with his sweatdrop. "KYAAAAA!!!!! It's the crazed killer who knows what we did last fanfic! He's found us and is going to smite us!"
Chaos froze as the kana for "mommy!" scrolled behind him. He remained very calm in that moment, and in that moment Mako-chan actually found herself respecting him. That is, until Chaos pulled out his handy M.D. Geist O'Matic from his boots.
"You're not gonna take me alive, you smite-happy freak!" he shouted. "If I'm going down, then I'm taking this fanfic with me to hell!"
Makoto shook her head. "I fear it's already there, Duo."
The crazed killer who knows what they did last fanfic slowly stalked towards them, brandishing the deadly smiting mallet. A desperate SD Chaos and Pesti-chan leaped around the hallway trying to find a way out.
Chaos frantically pounded on the nearest door. "KYAAAA!!! LET US IN LET US IN LET US IN LET US IN!!!"
"Try the doorknob, you moron!" Makoto shouted, twisting the knob just as his lordship Chaos valiantly flung himself into the door in the hopes of breaking it down. And thus Chaos flung himself right into the arms of Tatewaki Kuno, who was still searching in vain for his red-haired, pig-tailed love (yet at the same time still trying to decide whether or not he loved the fair Akane Tendo more).
"Ah!" Kuno exclaimed. "Pig-tailed girl! Oh, how I have pined for thee!" He then actually decided to take a careful look at Chaos. "You're not my pig-tailed goddess! Fiend, what have you done to her?"
Chaos freaked as Kuno brought out his kendo sword. "Do I look like I [beep!]ing care, buddy?!"
Pesti-chan glanced at the still open door. "Um, the guy outside in the hall knows where she is."
"Curse you, you pig-tailed girl snatcher!" Kuno exclaimed, raising his kendo sword as he charged into the hallways. "Prepare yourself!"
And with that, Chaos and Pesti-chan slammed the door behind him and turned the lock.
"That was cruel, Kamui," Makoto scolded him.
Pesti-chan shrugged. "Actually, considering who we sent out there I pity the crazed killer more than Kuno."
Suddenly there was the resounding echo of a loud punt as Kuno left the building via the new skylights. Seconds later the door broke apart, the dark figure of the crazed killer peering in through the large hole left by his mallet.
Pesti: "If he says 'Heeeeeere's Johnny!' I'm going to be very upset."
Chaos: "KYAAAA!!! He's smashing through the door to kill us! Isn't there a way out of this dressing room?!"
"These rooms are all interconnected," Makoto shouted, opening another door on a side wall. "Through here! Hurry up!"
Chaos' eyes narrowed as he watched the crazed killer who knows what they did last fanfic break down the door with the mallet. "Pesti-chan," he said. "You go, take Mako-chan with you, and find a place to hide. I'll divert the crazed killer's attention while you call for help."
Pesti-chan and Makoto looked at each other, and then back at Chaos. "Okay," they chorused, making a fast dash to the escape door.
Chaos went all SD, his eyes bugging out. "What? That's it, no argument?"
The door exploded apart, pieces of wood seemingly conspiring to smack Chaos in the face as they rained down. And there in the doorway, his black trenchcoat hiding his identity and the shining, lethal pan-dimensional mallet where his right hand used to be, was the crazed killer.
"Where's a master of hidden weapons when you need him?" Chaos lamented, pulling at his kawaii kitty ears.
Suddenly who should show up but Mousse! "Oh, my precious Shampoo!" he exclaimed, sweeping up the crazed killer in his arms.
Makoto paused at the door, her eyebrow twitched. "Na ni?"
"He's a little myopic without his glasses," Chaos said, pushing her and Pesti-chan through the doorway. "Now can we please go?!"
They raced into the next changeroom...and right into another duel between A-ko and B-ko, with C-ko cheering them both on. Pesti-chan hoisted Mako-chan onto his back, and leaped and ducked the Akigayama missiles. Chaos, on the other hand, was busy fending off the crazed killer with a cow or twelve.
Pesti-chan reached the next door and flung it open. On the other side, the cyborg nemesis of the Iczelions, Cross, whirled and glared at him with her red eye.
"You!" Cross hissed.
Pesti-chan immediately slammed the door shut.
"What’d ya do that for?!" Chaos exclaimed, surfing the changeroom atop an Akigayama missile. He threw open the door, and came face to metallic brazier with Cross.
Chaos whimpered, reduced to his bug-eyed mode. "Mommy."
In a quick flash of inspiration, Pesti-chan and Makoto grappled onto Cross' wrists, flinging the cyborg psycho hose beast into the crazed killer who know what they did last fanfic. And as the two villains tried to smite each other while dodging A-ko and B-ko, our trio escaped.
Chaos and Pesti-chan slammed the door behind them. "We're safe," they chanted, gasping for air. "We're safe we're safe we're safe."
"Just what is it about you guys?" Makoto exclaimed. "No matter where you go, mass destruction seems to happen!"
Chaos shrugged. "Hey, it's our Fanboys! trademark."
The door abruptly thrashed on its hinges and buckled as the crazed killer who knows what they did last fanfic tried to send the mallet through the wood. Suddenly a gaping hole split apart the door right between Pesti-chan and Chaos' heads.
"KYAAAAAA!!!" they screamed, female Chaos leaping into Mako-chan's arms. "TASUKETEEEEEE!!!" Mako-chan glanced down at the terrified Chaos in her arms, and promptly dropped him.
"Ow!" Chaos whined, rubbing his tender rear end. "You're so cruel, Mako-chan!"
And then silence.
[Fanboy's Note: No, the writer was not making a dramatic pause simply because he had completely no idea what the hell to write next. Really...I mean it...kinda.]
Through the hole where the mallet had come through, Chaos and Pesti-chan could see an empty set of devastated changerooms. The killer had let them be for the moment. The two fanboys sighed in relief.
"We're safe!" Chaos exclaimed happily. "Somebody cue the Hallelujah chorus of the Angels! Bring on the dancing Shamanic Princess chorus line!" He turned to the door. "But first I'm making sure that killer won't ever get into this room."
And with that he grabbed onto a pile o' pan-dimensional wooden boards, nails, hammer and chains, and proceeded to barricade the door. Pesti-chan and Mako-chan sighed as the sweatdrops returned once more.
"Baka," they chorused.
"Ha ha!" Chaos laughed, stepping back to survey his mighty work. "I'd like to see something bad just try to happen to us!" Chaos turned around...and came face to face with FishEye. FishEye's darkly amused gaze met with Chaos', and the villain dressed up as the Michelin Man with no place to go stepped forward.
"FishEye!" Pesti-chan exclaimed. "What's he doing here?"
Chaos laughed nervously. "Ha ha haaaa...oh boy, are we screwed now. Um, it's not by chance my beautiful dream you want, ne?"
FishEye curiously looked at Chaos. "Hm? Have we met somewhere before, little girl?"
Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Little girl? *Little* girl?! Hey, if I was only a little girl would I have these?!" he snapped, pulling at the edges of his fuku and flashing FishEye an eyeful of his--er, her breasts.
"Have you no decency?!" Pesti-chan exclaimed, creaming Lord Chaos with a cabbage on a fork.
FishEye turned to Pesti-chan. "Ah, there you are! And you're even cuter than in your photo! I can't wait to look into your beautiful dream!"
Pesti-chan went bug-eyed. "Me?!"
Makoto stepped in between the underlord-in-training and FishEye. "Kamui, I strongly suggest you Zoantropy."
"Oh no, I don't wanna turn into a big hairy monster again!" Pesti-chan countered. "I know I don't have the Pegasus in my dreams, so I'm safe! I'm not transforming just for that!"
"And I'm not going to have him call me the Queen just for this!" Chaos added with a nod.
FishEye shook his head. "You guys are really strange. Oh well, perhaps this will make you more willing to let me into your beautiful dreams."
Chaos turned to Pesti-chan. "Did that just sound like an indecent proposal or what?"
Pesti-chan smacked Chaos with his reoccurring sweatdrop. "Echi!"
FishEye snapped his fingers, his shadow enlarging and forming into the latest Lemures O' the Day. "Get them, Chagashi-chan. Do what you want with the two girls, but the cute little boy is mine."
"What in the hell is a Chagashi-chan?" Chaos asked.
"Hang on," Pesti-chan said, flipping through a pan-dimensional Japanese/English dictionary. "Um...here it is! A Chagashi-chan is...a little teacake?!"
"Teacake-chan?!" Chaos exclaimed. "What kinda dumb name for the Lemures of the Day is that?!"
"Could have been Spoon-chan's cousin, Fork-chan," Pesti-chan dryly replied.
Makoto kept her defenses up, growling as she watched the Chigashi-chan monster come into being within the fanfic. "Shimatta," she muttered, pulling out her transformation stick. "Jupiter Planet Power: Make Up!"
Chaos and Pesti-chan smiled wistfully, all Bambi-eyed as they watched their queen goddess above all transform into a glowing, nude silhouette.
"Kawaii!" they sighed.
Suddenly out popped Teacake-chan, all dressed up like a gigantic slice of cake with legs and arms sticking out of its sides, and a head covered by whipped cream and strawberries.
"That's not a Japanese teacake!" Mako-chan exclaimed.
Chaos sighed. "The author evidently has no clue what it looks like. How sad."
"Ha!" Pesti-chan said, stepping next to Mako-chan and winking confidently at her. "You expect something that looks that dumb to really frighten underlord-in-training Pestilence?"
"Ohayo!" Teakcake-chan exclaimed in a frightening kawaii & bubbly voice, brandishing a flower-pattered tea cup and a matching frilly apron. "Oooooooh! You're all so kawaii! Would you like to have a kawaii little tea party with Chagashi-chan?"
Pesti-chan's eyebrow twitched. "Okay, now I'm frightened." He glanced back at the door. "We have to find a way through that chained up door somehow."
Seconds later his screaming lordship Chaos was not so gracefully lobbed through the doors, flailing about before landing in a pile of magical girl panties. "I can't take much more abuse in this fanfic!" he said, rubbing his sore head. "If this was an RPG, my hitpoints would be next to zero by now!" He glanced down at the pile of panties all around him. "Strange, what on earth would they be doing here in the hallway?"
"Hentai!" Mako-chan exclaimed, booting Chaos down the hall. "I start to think of you as normal for one minute and then you do something like this!"
"I can't help it," Chaos sighed, pulling his head out from a new hole in the wall. "I'm just wondering if the reason you're so vicious with me is that you've actually got a crush on me."
Makoto froze, stunned and blushing. "N-na ni? I...I don't have a crush on...."
Pesti-chan suddenly tore past them both. "Now is not the time for one of Beans' fu-fu moments! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!!!"
And so, without leaping into another round of Monty Python's revamped song "So Pesti Ran Away!", we cut to the main auditorium, where our trio finally came to a stop.
"Oh no, where did everybody go?" Chaos lamented, staring at the very not-there audience. "I didn't even get to find a swimsuit!"
"You are certainly hard to keep up with," came FishEye's voice. Sure enough, FishEye reappeared, hovering above the VIP seats. "Now, Chagashi-chan, demonstrate what it means to not want to have me look into their beautiful dreams."
Pesti-chan, Chaos and Sailor Jupiter all braced themselves as the gigantic piece of walking Teacake approached. "Oooooh! You do want to wear Chagashi-chan's kawaii little frilly aprons for her kawaii little tea party, ne?"
"Hold it right there!" an army of females exclaimed.
FishEye glanced around as suddenly the entire stage was filled with Magical Girls ready to defend the Earth, love, justice, buttered toast and whatever else you want to insert here. "Shimatta!" he exclaimed. "Where'd you all come from?!"
Chaos grinned, laughing at FishEye. "Ha ha! You weren't counting on our army of magical girls! You just picked the wrong guy to steal dreams from, you pervert!"
"Excuse me," Pesti-chan said. "I'm the one whose beatiful dream he's after, not you!"
FishEye scoffed at the seemingly overwhelming odds stacked agains him. "Hmph! Ameteurs. Chigashi-chan, show them your talents!"
Teakcake-chan grinned. "Oooooh! So many kawaii guests for Chagashi-chan's tea party. Surprise!!"
Suddenly all across the stage tables and chairs appeared, balloons, streamers and confetti in the air. An enormous snack bar of treats appeared, and all the magical girls were re-transformed into wearing those same dumb, frilly aprons Pesti-chan and Chaos were not about to wear.
"Ah!" the magical girls exclaimed. "A party! A party!" And with that, all of the fanboys' reinforcements raced over and started to have themselves a kawaii little tea party.
Mako-chan's eyebrow twitched in disbelief. "M-masaka."
"What can we do?" Pesti-chan hissed. "All the other magical girls are busy with tea parties!"
Mayhem sighed. "A dumb attack, but effective none the less. Ne, Chaos, would you pass be a slice of strawberry shortcake?"
"THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR SNACKS!!!" Chaos exclaimed, the wind from his shout blowing Mayhem against the wall. He turned to the Lemures O' the Day. "When you're a Lord of Mass Destruction, you have to always do things yourself."
Pesti-chan glanced down at Mayhem. "When did you get here?"
"What's happening?" Rei exclaimed as she, Ami, Minako and Usagi raced onto the stage. They gawked at the Teacake-chan monster.
"Wah!" Usagi said excitedly. "Chocolate Cake!"
Pesti-chan glared at her. "Don't you dare! You need to protect me and my beautiful dream."
Chaos grinned. "No problem." He cleared his throat. "[Ahem!] Summon: smiting of the falling cow!"
Seconds later a cow fell from the sky for no apparent reason, its trajectory ready to smite Teacake-chan. However there was a small problem when the Teacake-chan monster turned the cow into a big mooing teacake.
FishEye laughed. "What a sorry excuse for an attack. One."
Suddenly the red backboard emerged from the ground, slamming into Pesti-chan's back.
"I know I have a smite here that'll stop Teacake-chan," Chaos mused, pulling out his trusty smiting umbrella. Unfortunately the second he held it towards the Lemures o' the day, it was turned into an enormous candy cane.
Chaos turned to Mayhem. "No good can come of this."
"Two," FishEye stated.
Suddenly manacles emerged from the backboard, chaining Pesti-chan's wrists and ankles down. "Try anything!!" Pesti-chan exclaimed, struggling to free himself of the manacles. "Smack her silly with a herring for all I care!"
Chaos checked his sailor fuku. "Oh no! I left them in my other skirt!"
FishEye smiled darkly. "Three."
Pesti-chan screamed as his dream mirror erupted from his chest. "Aya! Don't just stand there, Chaos! Unchain me or something!"
"Kamui!" the Inner Senshi exclaimed.
"That's it," Sailor Jupiter fumed. "You won't hurt my friends during this performance!"
And she unleashed the awesome special effects display of her Jupiter Oak Evolution attack. Yet as the fury of leaves neared to strike Teakcake-chan, they were all turned into small cupcakes.
"No!" Minako exclaimed. "Nothing we can do will stop it!"
Suddenly a loud, playfull hooting echoed across the auditorium: "CHU CHU!"
And with that the carnivorous, SD Godzillay-thingy Rampage appeared and, craving an evening snack, proceeded to devour Teacake-chan.
"KYAAAA!!" Teacake-chan exclaimed, trying to shake off the ravenous mascot. "What are you doing?!"
"This is our chance!" Chaos exclaimed, turning to Ami-chan. "Ami-chan, you have to unleash Dark Schnieder. He's the only one who we know has enough power to turn Teacake-chan into last week's leftovers!"
Mayhem started to go catatonic at just the mere thought. "Ami-chan...kiss me?"
In utter shyness and embarrassment, Ami-chan blushed and drew back. "Kiss...Carrot-chan?"
Mayhem's face turned red as the lenses on his glasses cracked. "Carrot-chan. She called me Carrot-chan!"
"We need you to do this for Pesti-chan, Ami," the rest of the Inner Senshi said, encouraging Ami-chan on.
Granted any virgin's kiss would do, but this author recognizes the importance of fans all over who are cheering Mayhem's moment in the spotlight...and the flamemail they can generate should I not appease them.
"KISS HIM, DAMMIT!" the oversized, SD head of Pesti-chan exclaimed.
This startled Ami-chan so much that she stumbled forward, tumbling right into Mayhem. And as their arms moved out to soften her fall, their lips accidentally met.
"She kissed him again!" the Inner Senshi cheered.
And in a repeat of F4, Part I's special effects display, Mayhem was lost in a cloud of smoke, blue lights and rampant magic, his insane cackling echoing as he hovered in the air, his hair turning a purplish-silver and his eyes flickering red.
Seconds later a completely buff and buck nekkid Dark Schnieder reappeared. He grinned, slowly turning towards Ami-chan.
"For goodness sake, put some pants on, will ya?!" Chaos exclaimed, throwing Dark Schnieder some clothes.
FishEye gawked at Dark Schnieder. "Sugoi! Um, I'll leave this to you Chagashi-chan!" And with that FishEye left the scene to let his obviously unqualified and doomed underling try to finish the job. But in this case perhaps it's just as well considering who FishEye was up against.
After all, this ain't no magic girl.
"Oooooh! What a kawaii, handsome man!" Teacake-chan exclaimed, her eyes turning into little throbbing hearts. "You want to join Chagashi-chan's kawaii little party and wear her kawaii little, frilly aprons, ne?"
Dark Schnieder gave a sadistic grin. "Hey, fuckface."
Teacake-chan blinked in surprise at his vulgarity.
Dark Schnieder nodded. "Yeah, you. Get your ass down here so I can kick it."
Chaos and Pesti-chan (who was still strapped to the backboard) looked at each other. "Uh-oh."
"You endanger the lives of my friends," Dark Schnieder said. "And then you go and try to hurt my kawaii little Ami-chan. Kiss your ass good-bye, you dumb shit!!"
"Run away!" Chaos screamed, grabbing a hold of the nearest Senshi's hands and racing hellbent for the drop in the stage. The others chased after him, Pesti-chan bringing up the rear as he hopped along still strapped to the Dream Mirror table. They all leaped aside just as Dark Schnieder unleashed his most devastating attack ever:
In the furious, special-effects laiden explosion that resulted in this fanfic going hopelessly overbudget, needless to say Teacake-chan didn't last very long. As the smoke finally cleared and the debris stopped raining down, a heap of magical girls and fanboys picked themselves up from off the floor.
Chaos coughed out a little cloud of smoke. "I have got to learn that trick."
"Um, could someone please unchain me?" Pesti-chan asked, still pinned to the table.
Mako-chan smiled and started to work on his manacles. "You're utterly hopeless sometimes, Kamui," she said with a laugh.
Chaos whimpered. "Mako-chan, how could you?"
"With relative ease," Rei simply replied, patting Chaos on the shoulder. "Come on, Duo; we've still got the swimsuit competition left in the beauty pageant."
Ami-chan blushed as Dark Schnieder helped her back onto the stage, which now sported a rather enormous and spectacular skylight and plenty of new room down the next three blocks for renovation and expansion.
"Ami-chan," Dark Schnieder said, bringing her right up against his chest. "I love you and would love to see the sweat glistening off your body tonight."
Chaos slapped his forehead. "I don't believe this."
"Then again," Pesti-chan replied, finally free of the table. "This is Dark Schnieder we're talking about."
Dark Schnieder leaned closer to a profusely blushing Ami-chan, and then passionately kissed her. Seconds later they were both lost in a blast of magic as the demon sorcerer was sealed back inside Mayhem's body. The clouds of smoke faded, revealing a stunned and blinking Mayhem in oversized clothes who had no idea what the hell just happened, and a blushing & coyly grinning Ami-chan.
Mayhem turned to Ami-chan. "Na ni?"
Ami-chan smiled, tracing a finger along his cheek. "Oh, nothing."
Now Mayhem would have freaked with his faulty dating chromosome, but he was still so groggy and disorientated from having Dark Schnieder sealed back into his body that he didn't know why she was even doing that.
Chaos sighed, stretching out his arms. "Whew! Well, finally we can call an end to this fanfic! Everything's been solved and wrapped up."
"What about that crazed killer who knows what you did last fanfic you two were ranting about?" Mako-chan asked.
Chaos, Mayhem and Pesti-chan all went bug-eyed.
And as if on cue, the burly form of said crazed killer appeared on stage, slowly moving towards the fanboys, who were now valiantly freaking out and cowering behind their favourite Senshi. The crazed stalker who knew what they had done last fanfic raised the deadly pan-dimensional mallet, preparing to strike the final blow. Everyone braced themselves for a possible and abrupt end to the series.
[Fanboy's Note: You can stop with the "and there was much rejoicing" line anytime now.]
"Mako-chan," Pesti-chan said, closing his eyes. "If we ever get out of this, I just want to say that I regret nothing if I die with you." He tenderly took her hand in his.
Mako-chan blushed. "H-hai."
"And I'm sorry for all those feels I copped off of you!" Chaos exclaimed, giving her an affectionate embrace. Moments later his eyes bugged out with the realization that his head was now nestled in between Mako-chan's breasts.
Chaos blinked, kitty ears reappearing. "Uh-oh."
Mako-chan glared at Chaos. "Shin'ne!!"
The crazed killer who knows what they did last fanfic towered over them. And then pronounced their sentence.
The three fanboys facevaulted.
"Tasuki?!" they chorused in utter shock.
Tasuki burst out laughing, throwing off the bulky hooded overcoat, and tossing aside a filed-down mallet. "HA HA!! You shoulda seen your faces!"
"Wait a minute," Pesti-chan said. "You were with us at the temple when the last letter was personally delivered. If that wasn't you then who was it?"
At that exact moment Anarchy walked into the scene, petting a hooting Rampage. "Ah, I see you finally met your stalker, brother. Tell me, did you have fun racing through all those change rooms?"
"And just how would you know that?" Chaos demanded.
Anarchy rolled her eyes. "Morons. Who do you think sent you that E-mail?"
Chaos' eyebrows developed a rather nasty twitch.
Chaos: "You mean? Waaaaaah! You're so cruel, Anarchy!"
Pesti: "I am seriously going to hurt him if he goes into the Chicken Fist. We had better cut right to the grand ending."
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