Well, wasn't that informative? Kind of makes you wonder what the first biggest Gentle Uterus was like, doesn't it? But we're not going to get into that right about now.
Moving right along we shall now omit all those pesky subplots that are completely inconsequential to the fanfic at hand. We shall not discuss how Pesti-chan accidentally was sent into the future and helped rescue Captain Tita and the Cha Cha Maru from Guizel. Nor will we discuss how Chaos accidentally was sent back into the past and wound up freeing Inu Yasha, who promptly went on a gleefully destructive rampage across feudal Japan.

Chaos: [feigns innocence] "Oops."
Pesti: [sarcasm] "Yeah...oops."

It so happened that the next day the five adoring young girls who were the Inner Senshi were reclining and relaxing at Rei's temple. And as Usagi devoured a herd of hapless lemon pie slices, Ami-chan quietly studied yet another textbook.
"This is strange," Minako remarked, lying on the floor and staring up at the ceiling.
"Hai," Rei agreed, lounging next to Minako. "I can't figure out why, but for the past while it's been so...peaceful."
Suddenly the shoji screen was slid open to reveal the smiling faces of Chaos, Mayhem, Pesti-chan and Rampage. "Komban wa!" they exclaimed together.
"That answers your question, Rei-chan," Mako-chan replied wryly.
Chaos popped up with a set of kitty ears and a tail. "Hm?"
"Nothing," Mako-chan sighed.
Chaos went all Bambi-eyed. "You're so cruel, Mako-chan!"
"CHU CHU!" Rampage chirped, bounding into the room. She leaped into Ami-chan's lap, purring for an affectionate tummy rub. Ami-chan smiled and obliged the kawaii little SD Godzilla-thingy.
"Oh, to have Ami-chan give me a tummy rub," Mayhem sighed.
"Only in a Fanboys hentaific, Mayhem," Pesti-chan replied. "Only in a Fanboys hentaific."
"Speaking of hentai," Chaos said, glancing around the temple grounds. "You guys see where Havoc disappeared to?"
Seconds later Havoc and Rei's grandfather were seen chasing after a few hapless young lady patrons of the Fire River Temple. Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "No good can come of this, Pesti-chan."
"So what brings you here?" Minako asked.
"Hai!" Usagi piped up, nearly choking on a slice of lemon pie in the process. "What brings you guys here?"
"Rampage is celebrating her tenth cute mascot eaten this weekend," Pesti-chan said. "We were all hoping you would attend the party we're throwing for her Friday night."
"Ah! Kawaii!" Usagi, Minako and Rei chorused, all taking turns tickling a delighted Rampage-chan.
"CHU CHU!" Rampage squeaked.
"Where is this party?" Ami-chan inquired.
Her big blue eyes locked onto Mayhem's eyes. And Mayhem, his faulty dating chromosome kicking into high gear, locked onto Chaos's arm.
"Do you mind?!" Chaos exclaimed, writhing on the floor. "I can't regenerate this limb like Chi-goki!"
"Um," Mayhem stuttered. "We were...um, ah, hoping...um...ya know...really...er, um...what was the question?"
Pesti-chan rolled his eyes. "We were thinking at our apartment."
"Oh no!" Makoto countered. "I am not going back to your apartment--even if it is for Rampage-chan."
Rampage whimpered, giving her the Bambi eyes.
"Come on, Mako-chan," Minako and Usagi begged.
Makoto glanced down at the kawaii little SD Godzilla-thingy, her resistance wavering. "Rei's temple," she said finally. "If you guys come here to celebrate, then I'll come."
"Hai!" Usagi exclaimed happily. "Everyone will get to eat lots of chocolate cake! Ne, Rampage-chan?"
"CHU CHU!" Rampage squeaked, happily thumping her tail and licking Mako-chan's face.
"Ah, that tickles!" Mako-chan exclaimed, giggling.
Chaos and Pesti-chan watched her with watery Bambi eyes. "Kawaii!!!"

* * *

"Alright!" Chaos exclaimed happily, leaping into the air and clicking his heel together. He then discovered that unlike anyone from X, he could not float in the air.
As Mayhem peeled his now two-dimensional lordship off the floor and dragged him to the couch, Mayhem smiled dreamily. "Ah, another chance to be with my kawaii little Ami-chan."
"Just this time remember your faulty dating chromosome," Pesti-chan cautioned. "Need I remind you of the discotheque incident?"
Mayhem groaned, flopping down on the couch. "Why me? I finally get a chance to be with my queen goddess above all, finally see some light at the end of the tunnel, and WHAM! Gone!"
"It's called dramatic tension," Pesti-chan replied, fishing for some left-over takeout food in the fridge. "If we were given complete freedom to indulge ourselves, it results in a self-gratuitous fanfic that would either be scorned or MSTed...or both."
Mayhem glanced down at the twitching form of Chaos. "You look like Ranma after Akane's had a go at him."
"But I get to be close to Mako-chan again," Chaos sighed, standing back up. "Nothing bad can happen to me now!"
[Cue the inspirational tidal surge behind Chaos!]
Seconds later the front door was blown off its hinges and sent flying across the room. Luckily its fall was cushioned by his lordship Chaos. And in from the smoking frame stepped Anarchy and Tasuki.
Pesti-chan slowly raised his head from behind the kitchen counter, taking off his army helmet. "Good lord, what an entrance!"
"Hai hai," Mayhem added, dropping down from the ceiling.
"The door wasn't open so we let ourselves in anyways," Anarchy replied.
"Not bad," Tasuki remarked indifferently, appraising the apartment. "I've seen better." For once he was dressed is something more modernly trendy that still made him look sexy yet dangerous considering he still had his halissen strapped to his back.
"Want a Hard Lemonade?" Pesti-chan inquired, tossing the two some cold bottles.
"Now this is my kinda place!" Tasuki exclaimed, happily, already chugging back to contents of the bottle.
Chaos wobbily crawled out from the wreckage of the door. "Anarchy, can't you for once just use the doorbell like a normal person?"
"Now what's the fun in that?" Anarchy sighed. "You guys seem in a rather cheerful mood today. What happened; Havoc finally sealed into the netherworld by Devil Hunter Yohko?"
"We only wish," Chaos replied. "He ripped off her tight red dress before liberating her panties. It's now a masterpiece in his collection."
Anarchy rolled her eyes. "Yare yare."
"We're celebrating Rampage having eaten her tenth kawaii Anime mascot," Pesti-chan said, sitting down on the spare lounge chair. "The party's on Friday night at the Fire River Temple. You two can come if you want."
Suddenly Havoc popped up from behind Chaos. "A party? Oooh, sounds like fun!"
"Alright!" Tasuki exclaimed. "I'll bring the beer!"
Anarchy grinned, revealing her little fangs. "I'll bring the chainsaws."
Chaos' eyebrow developed that nasty twitch again.
"So what mascots has Rampage eaten?" Anarchy inquired, chugging back her Hard Lemonade.
Pesti-chan consulted the list. "Um, let's see. So far we have: Mokona...though Rampage had to spit it out numerous times because of the taste, so Mokona doesn't really count; that stuffed lion, Pokota, from Hime-chan no Ribon--"
"Thank Kami-sama for that one!" Chaos said.
"--Ryo-oki and Ken-oki (we count that as one); Chu Chu from Girlish Revolution Utena; Bigot; Fushigi Yugi's Tomo the cat; numerous pocket monsters; the whole damned forest full of those chattering white things from Mononoke Hime; the cat from What's Michael?--"
"Desert, I believe," Mayhem remarked, glancing down at Rampage. Rampage smiled as she sucked on Chaos' hand.
"What about our neighbour Totoro?" Chaos asked.
"Rampage at that oversized rabbit thing too," Pesti-chan replied.
"Scratch that name off the guest list," Mayhem said.
"Plus we have one more addition," Pesti-chan added. "She ate Gon the dinosaur last Sunday."
"I guess he really was going, going, Gon after all," Chaos snickered.
Anarchy fished out a letter from her jacket pocket. "Oh, this was in your mailbox downstairs. You might want it since it's gone some funky kind of acronym on the front."
Pesti: "Let's see...We've just received a letter from some SPCAM organisation."
Chaos: "Na ni? Someone misprint SPAM?"
Mayhem: "Good lord, I thought we fixed the spellchecker."
Havoc: "We borrowed Oscar's."
Chaos: "Are you insane, Havoc?!"
Pesti: "I'm assuming that's rhetorical."
Mayhem: "So what is this SPCAM?"
Pesti: "Um, let's see. The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Anime Mascots. Apparently they are protesting our mascot Rampage having eaten so many other ones."
Chaos: "Can we help it if Rampage finds them so darned tasty."
[Cue the Harvey the Wonder Hamster theme song!]
All: "Oh, Rampage, Rampage. Rampage the hungry mascot. She doesn't act dumb with her Anime pals. She just devours cute animals! Rampage, Rampage, Rampage the hungry mascot--"
"Oh," Anarchy added. "There was also this letter too, addressed to Chaos." She handed it over to him. "At first I debated actually giving this to you until I opened it up and read the contents. Then I realised I just had to give this to you."
"Gee, thanks," Chaos said dryly. "How considerate of you, sis."
"And you thought it would be more viciously evil to give the letter to him?" Pesti-chan mused. "Strange."
"Now this has definitely piqued my curiosity," Mayhem remarked.
Chaos rolled his eyes and examined the letter's contents. Seconds later his little SD self had his eyes bug out, his mouth and nose vanish, and the kana for "What the hell?!" scroll in behind him. Rampage devoured the kana.
"N-NA NI?!" Chaos exclaimed, nearly tearing the letter in half.
"What is it?" Pesti-chan asked.
"Did Oscar ask if you were interested in a threesome?" Havoc suggested. He was promptly given a demonstration of the power of the Hiryou Shotenha.
"So don't leave us hanging here in suspense," Mayhem said. "What's the letter about?"
Chaos sulked with his cat ears and tail, handing the letter over the Pesti-chan.
"An invitation to compete in the Magical Girl Beauty Pageant this weekend?!" Pesti-chan exclaimed, bursting out laughing.
Mayhem was rolling on the floor in laughter. "Ha ha!! So tell me, Sailor Dragqueen, what do you intend to wear for the swimsuit competition?"
Chaos dumped his cold lemonade onto Mayhem, transforming him into a newt. "Hush, Net-boy!!"
Tasuki warily looked over at Anarchy. "He's competing in a ladies' beauty competition?"
Anarchy nodded. "In order to gain magical powers he has to turn into a female version of himself."
Tasuki burst out laughing. "YA HA HA HA!!! Whatta dumb thing! You gotta be the sorriest bastard I've ever heard of!!"
"Well at least I look better in a dress than you," Chaos retorted, striking a sexy female pose despite still being very [ahem!] masculine. "I saw you in drag in the Fushigi OVA series and boy were you ugly, Tasuki!"
"Whaddaya mean I look ugly in a dress?!" Tasuki demanded, leaping to his feet and taking out his halissen. "LEKKA SHIEN!!!"
Chaos' laughter was abruptly halted as he was instantly turned into a smouldering pile o' Fanboy. He coughed out a cloud of smoke.
Just then Pesti-chan noticed that there was a new E-mail message awaiting the fanboys. "Sumimasen," he said, excusing himself to the computer. "It would appear that the mailing system is the theme of this particular fanfic."
"We're popular!" Chaos exclaimed, dusting himself off.
"That, or we're trying to boost our PR," Mayhem replied, joining Pesti-chan at the computer.
"What does that letter say?" Anarchy asked.
What indeed?
Was it another fan letter? Was it another wrinkle in the plot? Did the fanboys honestly believe that they could get away with such deranged acts of Anime without there being problems later on?
But let's not get ahead of ourselves!
"Whatever it is, it's short," Mayhem replied, looking at the screen. "Probably a scathing laugh from Sailor Star Polaris over the Gentle Uterus smiting."
Chaos sulked on the couch. "Oh, hush, Newt-boy!"
Pesti-chan opened the E-mail. "'I know what you did last fanfic'," he read.
Chaos sat up on the couch. "That's it?"
Pesti-chan nodded. "That's it."
Mayhem sighed. "If we get some crazed Senshi fan with a big hook stalking us, I am going to be very upset."
"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" Chaos exclaimed. "We did a lot of things in the last fanfic! We gave Havoc a Maze ability and we got to see all the Inner Senshi naked!"
"It couldn't have been Beans," Pesti-chan remarked. "You didn't try anything dumb with her and the lake god in the last one, Chaos."
"Actually," Mayhem corrected. "It was Chaos who tried to throw the lake god into the hotspring, and it resulted in bringing over Anarchy."
"Oh sure blame everything on me!" Chaos pouted.
"And with good cause!" Tasuki replied, chugging down more bottles of Hard Lemonade.
"Hey!" Chaos exclaimed. "We're paying for that stuff, ya know!"
"Oh, I heard about that character," Anarchy remarked, walking over to the computer. "Apparently there's some demented, crazed killer wandering through really warped or really bad fanfic series that he feels have insulted his favourite Senshi. And he smites to death the creators--usually the ones who self-inserted themselves--with a pan-dimensional mallet where his right hand used to be."
Chaos, Mayhem and Pesti-chan all cowered at the far side of the apartment. "Kowai!!!"
Anarchy shrugged. "Either way, if this dork goes after me I'll tell him what he can do with his mallet!"
"Even though it is rather vulgar and physically impossible to do," Mayhem muttered to Pesti-chan.
"Hai hai," Pesti-chan sighed.


Page 4

Back to Fanfics