"Kanpai!" everyone exclaimed once Friday night came along and the party to celebrate Rampage's dining of rival mascots was underway--despite all the efforts of the SPCAM to stop the event...Rampage having eaten the protestors.
And the usual hysteria ensued.
Once again Chaos and Pesti-chan decided to hold a duel of smiting prowesses for the honour and right to date the fair Mako-chan. In the end Anarchy won as she had two oversized, Mokona UFO Catcher dolls fall through the ceiling and smite both combatants. And although she had no intention of dating Anarchy anyways--
[Fanboy's Note: echi!]
--Mako-chan was very pleased with the outcome none the less.
Usagi and Minako took turns trying to see how much cake they could stuff down Rampage-chan's seemingly bottomless stomach. A delighted Rampage squeaked and hooted at all the attention.
"Ah! I wish we could get a pet like her!" the two blondes chorused. "Our cats just boss us around!"
"Not unless Oscar shows up," Mayhem muttered to Anarchy. "Then no Anime mascot's safe."
"It's great that you brought all the refreshments," Ami-chan said, reservedly taking some of the sugar treats all on the table. "They all look delicious."
Anarchy shrugged. "I'm surprised these guys even had the cash to do that."
"I managed to rig our fridge into another Anime," Mayhem replied. "We've got a six pack chilled and ready everytime we open the door."
"Sooner or later those guys at Maison Ikoku are bound to notice something suspicious," Pesti-chan remarked. "As for the food, we just boosted Mayhem's credit cards."
"Right," Mayhem agreed. "We just used my...you what?!"
Pesti-chan laughed, popping the top of another bottle of Hard Lemonade and passing it over to Tasuki.
"He's sooooo cool!" Minako sighed, practically draping herself over Tasuki.
"Wha--hey!" Tasuki exclaimed, desperately trying to wriggle free of the amorous Minako. "Not again!"
Mayhem sighed. "Go figure," he remarked. "He ain't a fanboy but he's got a better chance of dating any girl in this room than all three of us combined."
He stared longingly at Ami-chan, who was being handed a bottle of Hard Lemonade via Rei. "Oh! It tingles!" Ami-chan exclaimed, smiling as she tried a sip.
"Kawaii!" Mayhem sighed.
"You're drooling again," Pesti-chan said.
"Perhaps I should get him a bib," Anarchy remarked.
"Toss me another Hard Lemonade!" Chaos exclaimed.
Anarchy lobbed one, clocking his lordship Chaos in the forehead. Chaos sulked as he gently pressed the cold bottle against his really swollen bump.
"Ow! Whajya do that for?" he exclaimed.
Anarchy shrugged. "Do you need a reason when it's me?"
"Touche," Pesti-chan commented.
Chaos glared at him. "You have something to say to me, Kamui? Mister I-used-all-my-EVA's-emergency-power-to-make-microwave-popcorn?!"
"Coming from you, Little Miss Dragqueen," Pesti-chan retorted, sticking out his tongue. "I don't find that very insulting."
Chaos pulled out a pan dimensional mallet. "That's it! You and your cabbages are dead meat!"
"Not to mention an oxymoron," Mayhem remarked.
Rei rolled her eyes. "Here we go again."
Chaos hoisted the mallet over his head, poised to strike until Havoc crashed through the ceiling, his fall nicely softened by lord Chaos. Havoc dusted himself off, brandishing his latest trophy panty. "Hotcha! The next time Soi strikes up one of her lightening storms she's gonna feel a little drafty!"
"Yare yare," Mako-chan groaned. "That's all we need right now: the gender-bending hentai."
"Could be worse," Rei countered. "It's not sundown yet."
"But wait!" Havoc added. "That's not all! I also got...(drum roll please!) Ukyo's bra!"
Chaos and Pesti-chan immediately snatched the pilfered bra away from Havoc, tying its ends to the sliding door to create a slingshot. Seconds later Havoc was catapulted into the next city district.
"Doesn't he ever give up?' Rei sighed.
Chaos shook his head. "He's like the Happosai that won't go away. We just need to find a Cologne to beat him into submission."
"There's always Wonderland's Red Queen," Mayhem suggested.
"Oh, no you don't," Mako-chan countered, Rampage playfully hopping up and down on her shoulder.
And then came Ami-chan's voice singing: "La la la, never give up! Gambaruwa!"
Everyone slowly turned around to be presented with the sight of Ami-chan dancing around the room and singing in a loud, slurred voice. Almost every last inhibition seemed to have been shed save for her clothes.
And with a majestic tumble across the floor Ami-chan fell into Mayhem's arms. Instantly Mayhem's faulty chromosome was activated, Mayhem breaking into sweatdrops and nervous twitches. Thankfully there was no nosebleed.
"Um, Ami-chan...how many of those lemonades have you had?" Minako asked, eyes wide as she watched Ami-chan swoon over Mayhem.
"One, two...seven?!" Pesti-chan exclaimed, counting the empty bottles around Ami-chan's seat. "Chaos, she's hammered on the Hard Lemonade!"
Chaos glanced at the other fanboys present. "Okay, who didn't warn her about the alcohol content?"
Anarchy sipped her own bottle. "I thought she knew. She is the intelligent one, after all."
"But I don't think she was expecting to have this at the party," Makoto countered, watching the giggling Ami-chan.
Ami-chan tried to stand up straight and only wound up sending both her and Mayhem tumbling onto the floor. Mayhem's eyebrows twitched as really really wide eyes swallowed up his nose and mouth.
"Mayhem," Ami-chan whispered in a slurred voice, climbing on top of him. "There's something I've been wanting to tell you for some time."
"Oooh! Ami-chan!" the other girls chorused.
"N-n-n-na...ni?" Mayhem managed to stammer out.
Ami-chan smiled and stuck out her tongue playfully as she touched his nose with the tip of her finger. "You're theory of teleporting objects of mass destruction through alternate pan dimensions is absolutely brilliant."
[Facevaults for everybody else in the room!]
"Is that her idea of flirting?" Pesti-chan said, waving aside his sweatdrop.
Chaos' eyebrow twitched, too stunned to really do anything else. "I...I don't know. I was expecting something more grand, more romantic, something less..."
"Incomprehensible to you?" Rei ventured.
"Incomprehensible, yes," Chaos agreed. He held out a bowl of snacks to Rei. "Popcorn?"
Ami-chan giggled, resting her head on Mayhem's chest. "You're chest is so warm."
"Think we're venturing into some form of self-gratifying hentai territory?" Pesti-chan asked.
[Fanboy's Note: author nonchalantly whistles as he takes his suitcase full of fan bribes and decides to make another unrelated trip to Aculpulco, Mexico.]
"Doubt it," Anarchy replied. "This is a cursed fanfic series. Something really dementedly twisted is bound to happen."
Now had Ami-chan actually been sober, she might have been able to realize that Mayhem's pounding heart broke the sound barrier. She seductively leaned closer and closer still to his face. And Mayhem, defective dating chromosome working overtime, was by now shredding the sitting pillows around him without the need of going into Cat Fist mode.
"Do you think she's going to kiss him?" Minako asked, eating some cake.
Chaos shrugged, fishing out some more popcorn. "Well, he did have a better chance at getting possessed by a demon than managing a date with her, and--hey! Get your own popcorn, Anarchy!"
In the next few seconds that followed Chaos modelling the latest fashion trend of plastic snack bowls on his head, the tension between fanboy Mayhem and Sailor Senshi Ami-chan was building.
And then the most unexpected thing happened.
Chaos: "Ami-chan kissed him?"
Usagi: "Carrot kissed her?"
Anarchy: "Mayhem exploded from the faulty gene overloading?"
Pesti: "Cool! It's like Scanners all over again!"
Havoc: "Ami-chan experienced the End of Summer?"
Chaos: "Not a chance, Havoc!"
Well as it turned out none of our contestants were right and thus none of them managed to win any of the prizes that included a year's worth of "Saiyan Vitamin Tablets" as well as the Ranma 1/2 memorial edible underwear featuring Happosai. But that's not really important to the plot at hand, is it?
Anyhoo, then the most unexpected thing happened: Ami-chan fell asleep.
Pesti: "Na ni?!"
Anarchy: "Well that just killed the dramatic tension."
Usagi & Minako: "Wah! Poor Ami-chan!"
Makoto: "Do you think she'll ever get her first kiss now?"
Chaos: "Is the author a sadist?!"
[Fanboy's Note: author nonchalantly whistles and hides his latest purchase from Wanda's Whip Emporium.]
Mayhem just laid there sprawled out on the floor, his hands twitching as Ami-chan drunkenly dozed on top of him. "C-c-cruel!" he whimpered, large streams pouring out from his eyes.
"Kawaii," he heard someone quietly whisper.
Mayhem tilted his head and looked at Ami-chan, her eyes now half open and affectionaly gazing at him. "You're so kawaii," she whispered.
And with that she leaned forward and kissed him.
Everyone: "AYAAA!! SHE KISSED HIM!"
But just as Anarchy had predicted only a few paragraphs ago in this fanfic, the series was too darned cursed to actually give into some form of self-gratifying hentai or even an echi fling. Sure enough, the second Ami-chan kissed Mayhem something big began to happen.
Chaos: "Havoc, if you so much as say anything here...!"
Havoc: "Who me? Come on, it's not like it's "Usagi and Mamoru's rod born of love", is it?"
Chaos: "That's it! Shin'ne!!"
Havoc: "Hey! That was the episode's title! Did I make that up?"
"Will you two cut it out?" Pesti-chan exclaimed.
Everyone started to step to the back corner of the room as a special effects extravaganza took place--but because this fanfic was hopelessly overbudget already we won't go into details of all the flashy lights, the cyclones of smoke and the electrical bolts of magic crackling everywhere.
"What the hell is that?" Tasuki exclaimed, pointing to the epicentre that had engulfed Mayhem.
"Sugoi," Anarchy whispered. "It's an aura of even more of kick-ass, mass destruction than mine."
Rei leaped forward and managed to drag a half-awake Ami to the safety of the back corner as Minako and Usagi tried to hide. Rampage squeaked and buried her head into Mako-chan's breasts.
"Lucky mascot," Chaos sighed.
"It's even got Rampage terrified," Pesti-chan remarked. "No good can come of this, Chaos.
Everyone watched as Mayhem hovered in the air, his eyes flickering in wild shads of red. Clouds of smoke and a blazing blue aura engulfed him, the transformation taking place. Seconds later the big special FX show ended, and Mayhem was nowhere to be seen.
But in his place was a very buffed and very tall and very naked man with flowing, light purple-tinted hair and a fanged grin. The sorcerer cackled.
"HA HAH HA HAH HA HA HA!!! Finally after all these years I'm back, released with a virgin's kiss!"
Chaos: "N-n-na ni?! Dark Schnieder?!"
Chaos: "The demon sorcerer from the Bastard!!! OVA's!!"
Anarchy: "Oh shit. Well, there goes this fanfic."
[Cue the eyecatch!]
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