Pulp Fanfiction: Hentai Happens again!

Havoc: [singing & dancing around the intro.] "Hotcha! Hentai days are here again!"
Chaos: [groan!] "Haven't we suffered enough already?"
Pesti: "I can't believe we have to do another one."
Mayhem: "Hai hai."
Carnage: "So what's the occasion?"
Chaos, Mayhem & Pesti: "Havoc's doing a second Hentai Omake."
Carnage: o.O "HE'S WHAT?!"
Mayhem: "You'd think the author had learned his lesson the first time around."
Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "Havoc...has his own Omakefics?"
Pesti: [sigh!] "Regrettably yes. Be thankful you missed Hentopia, Carnage."
Carnage: "HENTOPIA?!?!"
Mayhem: [consults contracts] "Apparently Havoc is entitled to one Hentai Omakefic per season. And since we're now in FBZ Fanboys! he's got the excuse."
Havoc: "Ladies, upon reading this please check your panties at the title. Even better, let me check them for you!"
Chaos & Pesti: "HENTAI!!"
Carnage: [smacks his forehead] "Wait a minute. You mean that Havoc gets a feature Omakefic on him, and we all have to tag along too?"
Chaos: "H-H-Hai...."
Pesti: "At least you didn't get to meet Skimehime-chan."
Carnage: "That Red Queen Kasumi dominatrix from Lord Charon's fanficfic?! That's it! I'm gonna Buster Beam whoever's responsible for getting me stuck in this!"
Havoc: "Well, since you asked, Carnage: you did."
Carnage: o.O
Mayhem: "See what happens when you Satellite Strike virtually all of Tokyo, Carnage?"
Carnage: "But Mokona deserved it!"
Pesti: "But Mokonna survived."
Carnage: [sulking] "How was I supposed to know that little Puuing marshmellow's fireproof?"
Mayhem: "Well, I suppose there's no use delaying it any longer."
Havoc: ^-^ "Hai! The next stop: Sylia's Silky Doll lingerie shop!"
Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "I'd smite you with a cow, but I'm not exactly thrilled at getting Cream Lemon stains all over my new dress."

[Cue the Hentai Omake!]

Lord Havoc presents:


Pesti: "H2Omake? Do I really want to know what that means?"
Mayhem: "'Hentai Omake 2', Pesti-chan."
Chaos: [turning to Carnage] "This is your fault, you realize."
Carnage: "You want me to Dragu Slave your sorry butt, Little Miss Dragqueen?"
Pesti: "If your Dragu Slave blows him out of the Omakefic, can I go with him?"
Mayhem: "Well, there's no use stopping Havoc. Cue the fic."
Greetings and kon'nichi wa!
We now join you live and in progress with the Omakefic at hand, the beautiful backdrop being the...well we would have had a beautiful backdrop of the cityscape of Tokyo had a certain *someone* not used his Satellite Strike to nuke pretty much all of Tokyo.
Carnage: "Will you all quit with that already! I've got every last Labor I had in my pockets working to repair the damages to Tokyo."
Chaos: "And thanks to the windsheers they've all gone berserk and stomped the Ginza ward into oblivion!"
And the apartment of the fanboys was certainly no exception. With a beleagered sigh the newly appointed overlord of Mass Destruction, Pesti-chan, sat on his bed and stared up at the sky. Had their still been a ceiling for his bedroom--or anyone else's room for that matter--he would have been looking at a large Mako-chan poster. But now all he could look at was the setting sun and a few wisps of clouds.
Trying to entertain himself he started to hum a little tune: "I've got a lovely bunch of cabbages (bum ba bum), here they are standing in a row! Big ones, small ones, some the size of your--Ow! Itai!!"
Pesti-chan rubbed his head as a large coconut fell from the sky for no apparent reason and bonked him on the head. Sighing once more he rolled onto his side and glanced over the side of his bed, staring down at the large gaping hole in the floor that stretched across the back half of his bedroom and extended all the way to the apartment tower's sub-levels.
And thus with nothing else to do but watch the devastated scenery, Pesti-chan finally got off his bed and walked into the remains of the apartment. Sidestepping numerous holes in to the floor along the way he headed for the fridge. It was easy to grab a bottle of Hard Lemonade...mainly due to the fact that there wasn't a door on the fridge anymore.
"Ah, the highlight of the day," he said, stepping away from the fridge. Seconds later his eyes bugged out upon witnessing the very same fridge fully stocked with Hard Lemonade crash through the floor. Needless to say, teary Bambi eyes ensued.
Mayhem looked up from reading the business section of the newspaper. "Hm? Na ni?"
"Don't bother," Pesti-chan replied, seating himself on a piece of unscorched countertop. "Well, there goes tonight's keg party."
Mayhem shook his head. "Shimatta, not *another* fridge! Even if I sold off all my stocks for the Gundamium metal mining we still wouldn't be able to pay off the damages."
"Daijobu!" Chaos exclaimed, suddenly leaping out from the remains of his room in a grand entrance. Well, it would have been grand had he actually missed that gaping hole in front of his doorway. Five minutes later he was able to crawl back up again and continue his dialogue.
"Just what exactly is he trying to do?" Pesti-chan asked.
"Do you really want to know?" Mayhem said.
Chaos: [broad grin at the readers] "Why I'm glad you asked Pesti-chan. I'm just here playing with my ultra-cool toy from the hit series Yu Yu Hakusho: the Yo-Yo Hakusho!"
Pesti: o.O "Na ni? Has he lost his mind?"
Mayhem: "I note you imply he had one to begin with."
Chaos: [showing the readers the yo-yo!] "Yes, now you can help Koenma Jr. keep the supernatural forces of the dead at bay with your very own Yo-Yo Hakusho, each one featuring the face of one of the characters. Collect all twenty-seven of them for the small price of--!"
Abruptly Pesti-chan clobbered Chaos with a large mallet, yanking them out of rapid dialogue mode. "Chaos, just what in the hell are you doing?"
"It's called product placement," Chaos replied, sniffing indignantly as he peeled his SD self off the mallet head. "Fact is that we're lucky to afford an Omakefic. Until we pay off all the damaged Havoc invoked in F6! we're not gonna see another fanfic for a while."
And with that Chaos turned back to you, the readers. "Anyhoo, back to the amazing Yo-Yo Hakusho! It's so easy even a young lady convict who's let out of prison to beat some ruthless high school gangs into a bloody pulp can use it! Allow me to demonstrate!"
Pesti-chan immediately dove for cover behind the remains of a bisected couch. Mayhem shook his head and watched as Chaos proceeded to wind himself up in a cocoon with the yo-yo's string.
Mayhem chuckled. "Sukeban Deka he's not."
"Hush, Newt-boy!" a frantic li'l SD Chaos exclaimed, thrashing about on the floor in a mad attempt to free himself. "This worked when I practiced it earlier today."
"Ano, Chaos," Pesti-chan said. "You really should watch out for that hole in the--"
Pesti-chan rolled his eyes. "Nevermind."
Just then Carnage emerged from the hall closet, wiping some grease and oil off his hands with a damp towel. "Dammit," he muttered. "Out of all the buttons Mihoshi coulda pushed on my Gunbuster, it had to be the one that unleashed the Buster Beam. At this rate it'll be weeks before my hangar's back up and running."
"Personally I think it's poetic justice," Mayhem remarked, still engrossed in the business section. "You annihilated most of Tokyo at the end of F6! so in the Omake Theatre the author decided to take out your room as well."
"You don't think the author was setting us up for something, do you?" Pesti-chan asked.
Chaos sighed, punting his sweatdrop through the nearest gaping hole in the apartment. "With the author, everything's a conspiracy against us."
"So now what do we do?" Carnage asked. "This is my first time in an Omakefic."
"What *can* we do," Mayhem countered. "Most of Tokyo is wiped out so we can't do any travelling, and the Senshi are all busy with either cleaning up the debris or studying for their final exams."
"I'd be doing that too if Rampage hadn't eaten my textbooks," Chaos pouted, flicking aside the little black stormcloud that was raining over his head. However he flicked the cloud to right over Mayhem's head. The soaked Jusenkyo newt was not very impressed.
"Ah, it sounds like you are all in a bit of a pinch," came an all to familiar voice. "And in hard times like this, the best way to get over adversity is with a big bowl of Jello!"
[Cue the facevaults!]
"Will you cut it out with the Jello already?!" the oversized balloon head of Chaos exclaimed. "F6! was bad enough without you using that Yggdrasil jacket to seduce virtually every last Sailor Senshi we know!"
Chaos abruptly went into bug-eyed SD mode as Carnage tapped him on the shoulder with the Zanba sword. "And just who do you think *gave* him that jacket, Chaos?"
"Havoc, we're not exactly in the mood," Mayhem said. "The apartment's destroyed, we've got an Omake to do and have no idea what the hell the plot should be about, and what's more I lost my Tama-ecchi in the Satellite Strike."
"To say 'ecchi' right now would uselessly state the obvious," Pesti-chan said.
"Oh, and I guess you guys don't want this?" Havoc sighed, snapping his fingers. With a flick of the wrist the fanboys went extremely bug-eyed upon seeing tens of large bills in Havoc's hands.
"S-Sugoi!" Pesti-chan exclaimed.
Mayhem shook his head. "How in the hell did he manage to get that much yen?"
Carnage crossed his arms over his chest. "What's the catch, Havoc? I know you'd never do this out of the goodness of your heart."
Havoc gave them his Chichiri-like grin. "Who do you think's financing this Omakefic? More bras for your buck! Cue the Hentai Omake!!!"


* * *

Yes, indeed there was no way of escaping because you guessed it, hokey-smoke, watch the author try to pull a Keroppi that cute li'l frog-thingy out of his hat and only manage to pull out a carnivorous super-deformed Godzilla-thingy instead (BURP!), here comes Havoc's second--KYAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! SHE'S GOT MY ARM!!!! TASUKETEEEEEE!!!!

[We are experiencing some technical difficulties with the author's ranting. Please stand by.]

Anyhoo, now the fanboys found themselves all in the luxurious back seat of Havoc's private, stretched limousine. Their location: the trendy Ginza district of Tokyo!
"I thought all of Carnage's berserk Labors trashed the Ginza district," Mayhem said.
Havoc scoffed it off. "Aw, I just had my Bra-Buster mecha take care of them."
[Cue the oversized demonic head of Carnage!]
Carnage: "YOUR WHAT?!?!"
The limousine instantly swerved wildly across the road at the soundwave. "Do you mind?" the chauffeur exclaimed, rolling down the tinted window and leaning into the back compartment. "I'm trying to drive here!"
"Oh, sorry Rally," the fanboys chorused. Seconds later every last fanboy's eyes ballooned out. "RALLY VINCENT?!?!"
"What is Rally doing in the front seat of your limousine?!" Chaos exclaimed, grappling hold of Havoc's collar.
"Driving," Havoc replied evenly. "Rally-chan's my personal chauffeur."
Mayhem put a restraining arm on his fellow overlord. "Easy now, Chaos. Havoc's in control of the Omakefic so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride."
"I can't believe you're encouraging him."
Havoc glanced out the window. "Ah, here we are! Stop the limo, Rally!" The limo screeched to a halt, the fanboys ricocheting around the plush interior like frantic SD pinballs. Havoc patiently waited for someone to open the door. The instant he stepped out, hordes of screaming fans and flashing cameras were everywhere.
"Gentlemen!" Havoc stated. "Welcome to my very own nightclub and restaurant: Planet Hentai!"
Chaos facevaulted right out of the limo. "P-P-PLANET HENTAI?!?!"
Carnage groaned, shaking his head as he stepped out of the limo and onto Chaos. "My first Omakefic experience had to be this?"
"Will you get offa me, Carnage?!" Chaos exclaimed, his li'l SD legs and arms thrashing about.
And just then, the sun set in the skies. A now very female Havoc turned around. "Care to join me for a night you'll never forget?" she asked.
"Ah yes," Mayhem glibly replied. "This will definitely give the therapists a run for their money."
"Pesti-chan," Chaos said quietly. "Slowly back away from the hentai. We might be able to escape this Omakefic now if we run for it."
Chaos turned around, and clobbered himself on Carnage's Zanba blade. "Oh no, you don't, Chaos," Carnage stated. "If I'm going down thanks to my contractual obligations, then I'm taking you all to hell with me."
"Well who's the one who nuked Tokyo in a Satellite Strike?!" a frantic SD Chaos exclaimed.
Carnage's eyebrow twitched. "DIL BRAND!!!"
"My, aren't the skies clear tonight?" Mayhem remarked, staring up at the screaming and flailing silhouette high in the air that was Chaos.
"This isn't hell!" Havoc proudly stated. "This is more like a trendy version of the Skima realm!"
A very unimpressed Carnage bisected his ensuing sweatdrop. "That was a piece of information I could have lived without knowing."
"How could he get away with something like this?" Pesti-chan muttered, following Havoc up the red carpet. He paused as the smoking remains of Chaos crashed down in front of him. "I mean, the AD Police should be breaking down the doors to this place every night! And I don't see Havoc getting punted through anything."
Havoc turned around and grinned. "Simple: in Anime, rampant lesbianism needs no excuses! If I'm like this in Planet Hentai, no one sees there being any problem to what I do! Hotcha! Panties panties panties!"
Pesti-chan and Mayhem smacked their foreheads. "Yare yare!" they chorused.
[Cue the evil demonic oversized head of Carnage!]
Carnage: "SHIN'NE, YOU FREAK!!!"
Seconds later the entire female guard platoon from Aika (all in their practically non-existent black skirts!) pounced on top of Carnage, burying him in a fury of black blouses and gratuitous panty shots. But lucky for them and lucky for the cleaners of this fanfic, the fanboys had seen so many nekkid flashes before that no gushing nosebleeds ensued.
[Fanboy's Note: and what about the rest of you? Are you already too ecchi to hope for recovery? Lord Charon need not apply.]
"Are they trying to stop him from killing Havoc, or are they all wanting to be their love slaves?" Pesti-chan asked, ducking his sweatdrop.
Carnage: [beneath a mound of girls!] "KYAAAA!!! TASUKETEEEE!!!"
Mayhem sighed. "We really should get him out before they carry him off and we never hear from him again for the rest of the series."
"That's not necessarily a bad thing," Chaos said, dusting himself off. "The bills for excessive property damage in the fics will drop considerably." He glanced over at the side of Planet Hentai, and developed a rather nasty eyebrow twitch. "Shimatta! Look at the size of that line-up just to get in! And why do my feet suddenly feel like I just stuck pudding in them?"
"Ano, Chaos," Pesti-chan said, gesturing to the ground. "You really should look down because that's not pudding."
Chaos glanced down, his entire face turning a new shade of stunned pink as he found himself ankle-deep in...well, what else but:
"Ah, Jello!" Havoc sighed wistfully. "Every Anime babe who has ever had their panties or bras added to my collection now has their breasts cast in the sidewalk in moulds of--!"
"We know, Havoc," the other fanboys chorused. "We know."
"I can't believe he'd go so far as to create something as...well, as hentai as this," Carnage lamented. He glanced uneasily down at the armful of panties in his hands.
Chaos tapped his foot. "And just where did you get *those*, Carnage?"
"I didn't take 'em, you pervert!!" the oversized head of Carnage snarled. "Look!"
Pesti-chan picked up a pair of panties. "Hey! These are all from that Aika guardress platoon...and they've got their phone numbers written on them. 'Call me sometime lover'?!"
"Moshi moshi?" Havoc called out from the entrance. "You guys coming or what?"
"This is even worse than my darkest nightmare of Red Queen Anarchy," Chaos said, shuffling up the front steps amidst the cameras, crowds and large floodlights.
"I've got news for you, Chaos," Mayhem stated. "We haven't even been through the front doors yet. Check it out."
And there, standing guard at the front doors of Planet Hentai, was Minni-May Hoskins smiling and waving enthusiastically to Havoc. "Komban wa, Havoc-chan!"
"Eh?!" Chaos protested. "Not her too! Havoc, what's a kawaii little grenade-happy nymphomaniac like her doing here?"
Mayhem opened his mouth to make another retort, but then closed it. Carnage just shook his head. "Baka baka."
"This pays better than gunsmithing or working at the Purple Pussy," Minnie-May replied, running a finger down Pesti-chan's cheek. "He's cute. Ne, Havoc-chan, can I play with him later?" Needless to say, Pesti-chan went into instant bug-eyed SD mode as the kana for "ecchi!!" scrolled in behind him.
Chaos buried his head in his hands. "Maybe if I just close my eyes, it will just all go away."
Mayhem sighed, leading Chaos through the door by the shoulder. "Daijobu, Chaos; our contracts with the author includes free therapy sessions. I'll schedule you a appointment once this Hentai Omake has run its course."
"You mean, when my Hentai Omake cums to an end," Havoc corrected.
"The grammar-related innuendo isn't up for debate!" Pesti-chan exclaimed.
Abruptly Minni-May put out her hand, stopping Carnage from going through the door. "Gomen nasai," she stated firmly. "But I'm going to have to ask that you leave all mechas at the door."
"But I don't have any mechas on me!" Carnage protested, going all Bambi-eyed on her. "Mihoshi blew them all up!"
Minni-May eyed him skeptically. "Are you sure?"
Then without even saying a word, Minni-May took out a handful of thermal grenades from her vest, pulled the pins and dumped them all down Carnage's pan-dimensional pant pockets. A few seconds later the devastated city of Tokyo was rocked by a tremendous explosion. As the smoke and fireballs finally cleared, the fanboys gawked at the black and smouldering Carnage.
Pieces of various mecha were raining down from above, and Carnage gave a distant, stunned look as the thumb to his O Gundam crashed onto the pavement. Fortunately the shock of impact was greatly absorbed by the Jello walkway of hentai fame.
Minni-May grinned broadly, taking a deep inhale of the gunpowder in the air. "Gomen!" she giggled. "House rules."
Carnage tearfully looked down at the mecha fragments. "I spent...all of the fanficfics repairing that handful of Gundams."
"Now they really are just handfuls," Chaos muttered.
"Come on, Carnage," Pesti-chan said, taking the wobbly fanboy by the arm and leading him into the door. "The club is this way."

* * *

Page 2
Back to Fanfics