Alexander: [turning to Chaos, eyes flashing white] "Just what did you throw on him?!"
"Self-inserted twit," Pesti-chan groaned. "You were supposed to get the filtered water, Chaos."
"That *was* the filtered water!" Chaos protested. He looked at the label on the pitcher. "'Jusenkyo's Spring of Drowned Girl water. Use only in emergencies.'"
Dark Mayhem sighed, shaking his head. "I wonder what SVAM will say when one of their MSTiers returns with a Jusenkyo curse."
Chaos: ;_; "We're screwed."
"How exactly are we going to continue evaluating this fanfic if...if he's a she?" Alexander asked.
"This is a damned good reason to go for the audit," Samantha countered. "I fear what else these guys have hidden in their story."
Alexander shrugged. "I don't think it could be any worse than Kintobar's incestual relationship with Usagi while he's a fox."
Fanboys: o.O;;; "......"
Alexander: [sweatdrop!] "Well, it's true."
"I don't believe this," Chaos pouted, poking at Jolt-chan's breasts. "She's better built than I am!"
Everyone froze, the kana for "identity crisis?" scrolling in behind them all. However when the kana hit the coffee table, the airbags blew out and the kana flew wildly across the room. Everyone panicked, scrambling out of the way. And in his naturally good form and timing, Chaos turned around just in time to get clobbered in the face by the
"Itaaaaaiiii!!!" he exclaimed, twitching on the floor.
"Would you like me to fetch the crowbar and pry the word off your face?" Pesti-chan inquired.
Abruptly another cow crashed through the ceiling, smiting Pesti-chan. The three MSTiers stared in disbelief as the black & white bovine nonchalantly whistled before strolling over to the couch to watch some television.
"So, is this going to count against us?" Chaos asked optimistically.
Alexander stared in at Jolt-chan. "I don't think I've ever seen any precedence for this sort of situation before."
Jolt-chan cupped his--er, her breasts. "Saaay, this is kinda neat!"
[Cue the facevaults!]
Chaos: "Look, you don't have to put the Jusenkyo thing into our permanent MST record. We don't judge our own series; we just use what we have."
Pesti: "Of course if we used one of your idiotic Chaosfics, we'd be left with very little to work with."
Chaos: [grrr!] "Are you guys insulting my Galaxy Fraulein Luna Varga fic?"
Dark Mayhem: "No, you did that quite nicely all by yourself."
Chaos: "Damn right! I nicely insulted that fanfic all by my--HEY!!"
Alexander: "You've become rather notorious for those fics, Chaos. That's one of the reasons we came here."
Chaos: [sprouting kawaii kitty ears] "Na ni?"
Samantha: "If an avatar can create a story like 'Yatsura! A Fashionable Judo Alien,' it doesn't exactly speak well for the series he stars in."
Jolt-chan: "Why are we just talking like one of Adam Chris Leigh's badly maimed Tenchi Muyofic scripts?"
Dark Mayhem: "Oh, this? It's just a rapid dialogue mode we revert to every now again."
Alexander: [looking at Mayhem's narration] "I'm getting dizzy just trying to read this."
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Please don't throw up in our fic."
Samantha: "You have got to be kidding me. How much longer is this rapid dialogue mode of yours going to go on for?!"
[Suddenly Chaos pulls out the remote control of the gods!]
Chaos: ^-^ "Daijobu! I know how to solve this!"
Dark Mayhem: --;; "Well, I feel safe now."
Chaos: "Hush, Uber Exploder Newt-boy! I'll master this remote control yet!"
A group of incredibly dizzy and swirly-eyed fanboys & MSTiers instantly toppled over as the high speed mode came to a crashing halt. Chaos didn't take the halt too well, and was promptly flung across the living room. Fortunately his crash was somewhat softened as he faceplanted into Samantha's less than ample bosom.
Samantha: [grrr!] "......"
Chaos: [nervous smile] "Ano...it's never the size that counts, but how you use them?"
Seconds later he found himself pretending to be a chandelier, his feet leisurely swaying in the breeze. Samantha crackled her knuckles as she staggered to her feet, still fighting off the dizziness.
Jolt-chan groaned as she picked herself off the floor. "You are a really strange cast of characters, you know that?"
Dark Mayhem shrugged, draping himself over an armrest. "We're all quite cheerful here--even though the whole fic's gone straight to hell."
Alexander shook his head, deliberately blinking in the hopes of warding off his disorientation. "Hey, a Pocket Monster!" he remarked, noticing a kawaii li'l Charmander sitting on the coffee table. He turned to Samantha. "Sis, you remember that bad Pokemon fic we riffed, starring--"
Alexander looked back at the coffee table, only to see Catastrophe innocently smiling at him through her pacifier. Charmander was nowhere to be seen.
Alexander: [???] "Strange. Where did Charmander go?"
Catastrophe: ^-^ [burps out a Cajun fireball] "chu chu!"
Chaos managed to pull his head out from the spackling, and reverted into frantic SD mode the instant he realized he couldn't float in the air. "KYAAAAAA!!!"
Samantha rolled her eyes as she stepped over the twitching otaku. "Do your fics even have something that resembles a plot, or is all this non-sequitur stuff it?"
Pesti-chan shrugged as he pulled out a Hard Lemonade from the fridge and started chugging its contents. "Sometimes. It's really up to the author to decide what gets flung at us. One day we could be attacked with carnivorous flying bras, the next day Naoko Takeuchi comes after us with her 1000t mall--"
The overlord of Mass Destruction was abruptly elbow-jabbed on the head by Chaos. However Chaos' aim was off and he only managed to elbow-jab the kitchen counter.
The counter won.
Jolt-chan: "That looked rather painful."
Chaos: ;_; [tiny squeak] "Hai."
Samantha turned to Alexander. "So, you still up for auditing the rest of this fanfic?"
Alexander nodded. "I'm not the type to back down from a challenge that easily. Besides, how much worse could...this...what is Zelgadis from the Slayers universe doing with that elf-girl?"
Everyone's eyes bugged out as the fanboys spun around. A yawning Sarcasm-hime gave a stretch as she strolled out from her bedroom with Zelgadis in tow.
"Interestingly enough," Dark Mayhem remarked. "She's also a kawaii little fairy half the time--so long as you don't piss her off."
Alexander blinked. "Wait. You mean a cute pixie turns into *that* when she gets mad?"
"Hai hai. And careful; she's good with her Zanba Spatula. But if that doesn't get you, her harem of Anime bishounen--"
Abruptly Chaos clamped a hand over the uber exploder fanboy's mouth. "Ix-nay on Forty-Seven onen-shay."
"Mmmm, Zel-chan, that was great!" Sarcasm sighed, stretching her arms out. "You were as hard as a rock!"
"Was that an attempt at a really bad lemon pun?" Zelgadis inquired evenly.
Sarcasm grinned. "Hai."
"Thought so," Zel replied, dipping her low to the floor and kissing her. Moments later he stood back up, his usual somber expression on his face. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find the Claire Bible."
Jolt-chan, Alexander and Samantha all slowly turned towards Chaos. Chaos swallowed hard, numerous sweatdrops now in orbit around his head. "Um...we don't know her."
Just then Sarcasm noticed everyone else in the apartment. "Ne, Mayhem," the elf remarked. "Who are those three? New victims?"
Dark Mayhem cleared his throat. "No, these are people here to see if we deserve to be MSTied."
Sarcasm looked from the MSTiers, and back to Dark Mayhem.
She turned her gaze to Shinobu Tezuka and Aya Fujimiya, who were neatly seated at the kitchen table. "You: my room, ten thirty. You: ten forty-five. Bring a friend. Come, Marron-chan!"
"Hai," Marron said, shuffling in behind her as Sarcasm sauntered off.
Samantha gave her "father" a puzzled look. "A Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves reference used in Anime?"
Jolt nodded, scribbling something down in his clipboard. "And for a self-serving sexual intent too."
Chaos launched into a panicky SD mode. "She really didn't mean it!" he exclaimed. "She...was a trick played with your eyes because of the remote's high speed mode!"
Pesti: [yeah, right] "Nice alibi."
Chaos: ^-^ "Arigato!"
Dark Mayhem abruptly glanced down at the remote control of the gods in his hands. "Aw dammit! Chaos, I think I had better tell you something."
The two fanboys quickly shuffled over into the kitchen, where their conversation was safe from prying ears. "Na ni?" Chaos asked.
"I forgot to tell you that our remote control of the gods doesn't have a Reset button, just Rewind."
Chaos gave Dark Mayhem a confused expression, which Mayhem promptly gave back because he already had three of them--but that's completely irrelevant to the plot, ne?
"Resetting the fanfic works like a Recovery spell," Dark Mayhem said. "But if we rewind the fic, then at some later point in the plot, the events we rewound will catch up with normal time, and happen again."
A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' head. "Is this another one of those 'now' and 'then' things, because I still haven't figured out those instant fanfics."
"Dumbass!" Dark Mayhem snapped. "It means that sooner or later, a bunch of Gentle Uteruses will crash through our ceiling, and a Cream Lemon tidal wave will send the T-74 tank through our balcony again."
Chaos took the bad news quite well.
Chaos: o.O [frantic SD mode!] "KYAAAAAAAAAA!!!! TASUKETEEEEEE!!"
Jolt-chan: "What's his problem?"
Pesti: [shrug!] "Maybe he just discovered how unpopular his 'Mermaid's Forrest Gump' Chaosfic really was."
Alexander: [eyebrow twitch!] "Mermaid's...what?"
Abruptly a frantic SD Carnage leaped out from the hall closet, wide eyes glancing left and right as he threw his back into the door to slam it shut. "We might want to seek shelter!" Carnage exclaimed, pulling out a large armful of rolled up Aestevalis schematics.
"Who's that?" Alexander asked.
Chaos sweatdropped. "Ano...travelling salesman?"
Samantha gave Chaos a cold glare. "Don't tell me you've been hiding incriminating characters."
"He's our resident Gundam freak," Pesti-chan explained. "And it would appear he's been without his decaff for quit some time now."
Carnage: "Need bigger guns. Need bigger guns!"
[Carnage pulls out the Heavyarms Custom's twin vulcan cannons from his pockets!]
Carnage: [tossing the vulcan cannons aside] "Too small! We're gonna need bigger guns!!"
"What's wrong with your mecha otaku?" Alexander asked. "He looks a little crazed."
"Oh, Carnage?" Dark Mayhem said with a shrug. "He's just upset because he missed a Van Gogh exhibit at the Tokyo National Art Gallery." He immediately turned to Chaos. "Ne, Chaos, why don't you show the SVAM delegation your room?"
Chaos sweatdropped. "Why?"
Dark Mayhem's eyebrow twitched as he looked over to Carnage, who was now priming a Beam Sabre. "Because if you don't, I'll Halloween your ass into the next season of Sailor Moon."
Chaos: ^^ [when you put it that way...] "Hai!"
"Halloween?" Samantha muttered. "Isn't that Dark Schneider's spell from--?"
"Okay, everybody into my room!" Chaos said, shoving the trio through the wall scroll. "As you can see, it's the perfect room for a harmless self-insertion character! There's nothing out of the ordinary here!"
Alexander: "What are all these blouses and skirts doing in your closet?"
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Umm...research on the history of sailor fukus?"
Samantha: "What about the negligee?"
Chaos: o.O "I swear I've never seen my favourite lace teddy before in my life!"
Meanwhile, Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan had managed to calm down Carnage by enticing him with a cup of tea. Carnage dropped his big-assed bazookas and sat down at one of the dining room chairs.
"Okay, Carnage," Pesti-chan said, leaning against the kitchen counter. "Talk."
Carnage nonchalantly sipped his tea. "I had...a little incident in my hangar bay."
"Little?" Dark Mayhem said. "This from a guy who has yet to look up 'overkill' in the dictionary. Define 'little.'"
Carnage shrugged. "Weeeell, as you know I finally managed to put all my Gundams back together thanks to the Omake in F6! part III. So to make sure that Mihoshi wouldn't get into my lab again, I decided to create a special defense system."
Pesti: "Those white, Mass Production EVAs?"
Carnage: [shaking his head] "Not exactly."
Dark Mayhem: "Hyper Boomers?"
Carnage: [shaking his head] "Not exactly that either."
Pesti: [ano...] "Hysteria?"
Carnage: "You think I'd let that airhead into my hangar after she painted all my Mobile Dolls the colours of those damned clunky, Sakura Taisen tincans?"
Carnage sighed. "I had installed 37 safeguards and defensive measures to make sure she couldn't get in. I had an artificially-created AT Field set up. I had the Gunbuster running patrols. I had the Galaxy Gun primed. Hell, I even had Carrot Glaces hanging around to wait for her!"
Pesti-chan's eyebrow twitched. "I fear where this conversation is headed to."
"Straight to hell like the rest of this fic?" Mayhem suggested.
"Oh, we went right beyond that in H2Omake."
Carnage's eyebrow was twitching once more. "They should have kept Mihoshi out, but noooo! By blind luck, she manages to just blissfully walk through all 37 of my defenses without setting any of them off!! I was reprogramming the M-66 as a last-ditch defense when she showed up. And thanks to her asking 'Oooh! What does this cute little button do?' the damned robot's activated."
"M-66?" Pesti-chan asked.
Chaos: [from in the bedroom] "Someone gets crushed by a cow if I hear Sybil start belting out the words 'Ceramic City'!"
Samantha: "Ceramic City?"
Chaos: "Um...oh, look! Our mascot!"
Rampage: ^-^ "CHU CHU!"
Chaos: "KYAAAAAAAAA!! SHE'S EATING MY ARM!!!"
Jolt-chan: "Is that normal?"
Alexander: "For this series, apparently."
Dark Mayhem rolled his eyes, gesturing to Pesti-chan. "Pesti, you had better run damage control instead of the dragqueen. Chaos and I will see what has Carnage's hydraulics all in a clot."
And so a quick exchange was made.
"We can show you our vast Anime and manga library," Pesti-chan said, leading the MSTiers down the hallway. "Trust me: you can while away hours with the volumes of stuff we have there."
Pesti-chan opened the door.
Ami: [nekkid and waiting in the bubblebath-filled jacuzzi] "Ohayo, Carrot-chan!"
Pesti-chan immediately slammed the door shut, his sudden panicky outburst causing him to splinter into his 6 SD versions. Jolt-chan, Alexander and Samantha gawked at the li'l fanboys running around their knees.
SD Pesti #2: "Perhaps you should just forget you saw that."
Alexander: [kneeling down to carefully appraise them] "How...did you do that?"
SD Pesti #6: [grrr!] "Some idiot decided to screw around with our character profiles. When I get my tiny hands on him, I'm gonna kick his ass!!!"
Alexander: [sweatdrop!] "Oooookay."
Samantha: [picking up SD Pesti's #1 & #4] "This *has* to be a really deranged 'Ah! My Goddess!' thing."
Alexander: [scratching his chin] "Like that magic trick Urd has, right?"
SD Pesti #4: o.O [freaking out] "What? What's going on?! Where am I?! KYAAAAAA!!! I'M PANICKING ABOUT SOMETHING I DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT!!!!"
SD Pesti #1: [teary puppy dog eyes!] "Mako-chan...my sweet Mako-chan. I'm sorry I couldn't be on time for our date...!"
SD Pesti's: "*WHOSE* Mako-chan?!"
Jolt-chan: [scratching his--er, her head] "Maybe they're Gremlins."
SD Pesti #2: "In that case, you had better not get any of us wet."
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ [wrapped around Samantha's leg] "Too late."
SD Pesti #5: o.O [nosebleed geyser!] "No...more...hentai...!!!"
Samantha: [cue the Inner Soul!] "What the hell are you doing?!"
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Oro?"
However, the fic must go on. And to ensure it didn't become another mindless segment of ranting, the author put the plot back on track. But not before he hijacked his train of thought and used it as a secret base to blackmail the world leaders of SM fanfiction.
Yes...unless they deliver all their credentials, story ideas and bank account deposits to me, I shall make good on my threats to actually write every last Chaosfic known to the Net!!!
MWAH HAH HAH HA HA HA HAH!!!!
*Ahem!* But you didn't hear that from me.
Alexander: "So...this is their author ranting."
Samantha: "Dad, you're actually taking notes from this crackpot?!"
Jolt-chan: [furiously scribbling in his notebook] "Hey, there's a lot of good methods he uses."
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