Both of you, perv like you wanna win!
Otaku: we do too have a life.
It just happens to be fansubbed.
Which makes it a fansubbed world after all!
And in this fansubbed world, after all, all the teenaged girls you meet wear happy, revealing sailor-styled uniforms. Furthermore, at least 1.5 out of every 10.706 teenaged girls is a magical girl. They're everywhere; they're worse than Santa Claus.
So what does this mean for us?
The answer is simple: FANSERVICE!!!
Yes, let us gaze upon those yummy thighs, that Gainax bouncy chest, those luscious lips, and that purple hair which looks so natural, only your obligatory talking mascot will know for sure.
Chaos: [thwapping Havoc with a plushie cow] "That's not what this fic is about, Havoc!"
Havoc: --;; [ow!] "You're insulting my creative genius here."
Setsuna: "Just because nobody understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
Havoc: "Au contraire Setsuna. I was hailed as a literary genius when I perved my latest fic--"
Chaos: "Don't you mean 'penned'? No...no, you meant perved."
Havoc: "As I was saying, I was hailed as a visionary when I wrote my latest Havocfic: Venus 5 Star Stories!"
[Cue the facevaults!]
Setsuna: "If this introduction is any indication of what the omakefic's going to be like I'm already regretting the fact that I'm a character in it."
Chaos: ^-^ "Then can I Cosplay as Mamoru and perform my 'Masked Lord of the Dance' tap-dancing routine?"
Setsuna: "That's not going to improve anything, you dolt!"
Anyhoo, getting back to the obligatory intro bit, we're here to pay tribute to a character in the Sailormoon universe who hasn't really had that much script time in the fanfics. Someone who has been repeatedly subjected to much senseless idiocy, and yet has tried to stay calm regardless.
Yes, you guessed it hokey smoke watch the author pull a cabbit out of his hat--
--we're talking about someone other than Yarf-chan!
PallaPalla: "Stop calling PallaPalla Yarf-chan! PallaPalla isn't even in the series anymore! Why must you continue to vex PallaPalla so much?!"
Um...moving right along then, the long-suffering soldier we're here to showcase is none other than Setsuna! Poor Setsuna has had to contend with the fanboys running amok in her universe, screwing up the timeline (not to mention general continuity) something fierce, and getting constantly fondled by the series' resident uberperv, Havoc.
Havoc: ^-^ [grope grope!] "Aw, but Pu-chan looks so cute when she's nekkid. And she has this most adorable birthmark on her--"
Setsuna: [punting Havoc out of the intro bit!] "HENTAI!!"
Havoc: [iku, iku and awaaaay!] "Hai, arigato gozaimasu!"
Setsuna: --;; "I detest that fanboy."
Now it's time for the soldier of time to take to the spotlight...and hope that when it comes crashing down, it'll clobber Chaos instead of her.
Chaos: ^-^ "Wai! In order to save Setsuna, I get hit with a--(o.O;) What?!"
But the workmanship of the cheap Evangelion drama stage rip-off we're using has nothing to do with the story. And neither does Desolation discovering that he's the latest victim--er, contestant in Tokyo's latest hit game show: Totally Hidden Dragu Slave!
[Cue Desolation in front of the Koneko no Sumu flower store!]
Fairy Godbabbit: "So you want to buy roses for Kasumi from this place?"
Desolation: "Hey, for a bunch of assassins those Weiss guys sure know their floral arrangements."
Fairy Godbabbit: [cough cough!] "Yaoi-boys!"
Desolation: [opening up the front door] "Moshi moshi? Can I buy a--"
Lina Inverse: "DRAGU SLAVE!!"
So then, the title of this fic was originally going to be something along the lines of 'Worship Sailor Pluto, our beloved fuku- clad babe of Time, you worthless piece of fansub-loving navel lint', but then we realized that most anime characters lack bellybuttons anyways.
As a result, we decided to go with something inspiring. Something that would show how much time and energy we put into makin gthis story. Something that screamed thoughtful originality!
Unfortunately that was all we could come up with.
Deal with it, people.
Red Mantle: [leaping across the fic!] "Akai Mantle Wipe!"
[Cue the scene change!]
Once upon a time, there was chaos.
And not just any chaos, but an overlord of chaos (and certainly not the Lord of the Dance). Or so his delusions of grandeur liked to think. But no matter how powerful or mysterious a Chaos might try to appear in front of others...belting out the theme song to the SuperS special: Ami's First Love at the top of his lungs in the shower wasn't the way to go.
Chaos: ^-^ "La la la, never give up! Ganbaru waAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
Suddenly going very off-key, Chaos yelped and scrambled to get out from beneath the spray of abruptly cold water. "Okay, who flushed the toilet?" he growled, shivering from the unexpected icy barrage he'd just received.
He pulled back the shower curtain, only to see Hotaru sitting up on the counter next to the bathroom sink. And standing beside her was Setsuna. Chaos looked from one Outer Senshi to the other, and then did what came naturally: panic.
Setsuna immediately clobbered him with a hair dryer in order to get him to calm down.
"Itai!" the hapless fanboy groaned, stumbling around in the tub. As his vision cleared up again he quickly focused back on the two women staring at his scantily-clad self. And so with a sweatdrop by his head and a full body blush, Chaos laughed nervously and tried to strike a natural-looking pose whilst hiding key parts of his anatomy.
But then he noticed something rather peculiar about his situation. "Um...just why am I showering in a bathing suit?" he remarked.
"Because this fanfic is rated PG," Setsuna replied. "No fanservice allowed."
"Spoilsport," Hotaru pouted.
Setsuna sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "You're the reason he's got the swimsuit digitally airbrushed onto his loins, Hime-chan."
With a mischievous grin Hotaru retorted, "Where's the uncensored version when I need it?"
"Ano...cold, half-nekkid fanboy over here?" Chaos piped up, waving at them. He then crossed his damp arms over his equally damp chest. "I feel so exposed. And how'd you get into my wall scroll's private bathroom anyways?"
Hotaru thumbed out the doorway. "You left your pan-dimension wide open."
"I thought I felt a draft," Chaos said after a moment's consideration. "I have the same problem with the zipper on my pants too."
Setsuna remained deadpan. "I didn't need to hear that."
With the two Outers in tow, Chaos walked out into his pan-dimensional bedroom. For being stuck inside a wall scroll, he did have a large amount of space to call his own. Anime pencil boards, posters and wall scrolls covered the walls. A coffee table housed numerous garage kits of various Anime babes and versions of the Deathscythe Hell Custom. Upon a large pedestal was a bust of himself...which now had a moustache drawn onto it with permanent red marker courtesy of Anarchy. Large piles of half-written Chaosfics were stacked all around the floor, serving as a colourful obstacle course for the now sentient leftover food skittering around the furniture.
"So what are you two doing here?" Chaos asked as he went behind a divider and changed into something comfortable. "Oh, and I think Rampage is lurking somewhere in my closet, so you might want to duck if you open it."
Hotaru smiled as she saw a large poster of herself tacked onto the ceiling just above Chaos' bed. "We're going on a date this afternoon, Chaos-chan," she said, winking at Setsuna.
A loud "ACK!" came from behind the divider, followed by an unexpected flurry of Totoro plushies that rained down upon Chaos' bedroom.
"I don't even want to know about that," Setsuna sighed. She then sweatdropped as she saw a Vash the Stampede plushie pouncing upon an opened box of donuts on the coffee table. "I saw nothing, I know nothing," she chanted, choosing instead to find herself morbidly curious in checking out the 'To Do' list Chaos had tacked onto his closet door.
-spend quality time with my Inner Baka
-take over world
-book weekend room at Hinata Inn
-buy new hosiery at the Silky Doll
-meeting with irate lynch mob over latest Chaosfic
"Ne, don't spend too much time getting ready, Chaos-chan," Hotaru called out from across the room as she idly ran her fingers down the barrel of a Cosmo Dragoon...which Chaos was currently using as a vase for his Xenian flower. "We need to head out shortly. And besides, you look cute and kakkoi just the way you are."
Chaos poked his head out from the divider, a set of women's pantyhose on his head. "We're leaving? Shimatta, I'd better skip the mascara."
"Ano...you're not changing into women's clothing again, are you?" Hotaru asked.
Chaos warily shifted his eyes from one Senshi to the other. "Maybe," he said finally.
Hotaru and Setsuna groaned and shook their heads.
A few minutes later Chaos emerged, dressed in more definitely male attire. "So," he said, dusting off the sleeves of his 'Daimons ripped out my pure heart and all I got was this lousy T-shirt' shirt. "Where are we off to? And how much of a throttling will Haruka give me afterwards? Just remember what I'm wearing, in case you have to identify my cute but broken body at the morgue."
That drew a laugh from Hotaru. "It's not an official date, Chaos-chan. But when I heard about it from Setsuna I thought it would be a good excuse to see you."
Chaos glanced over at Setsuna. "Na ni?"
"There's a problem I need your help with," Setsuna stated. "One of a chibi-Havoc nature."
Chaos made a "piku?" sound, his kawaii kitty ears sprouting up when he heard that. But before he could respond, he heard a curious rustling in a pile of unwashed laundry and dresses behind him.
Chaos: "What the?"
Rampage: ^-^ "CHU CHU!"
Chaos: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAAAAA!! SHE'S GOT MY ARM!!!"
And so with all the integrity and sophistication of a Twisted Tales of Tokyo dub, Chaos led the exit out from his wall scroll with Rampage happily chewing on his hand.
"You're absolutely sure you want to use him, Setsuna-momma?" Hotaru asked, wincing as Chaos clobbered himself by running right into the apartment's dining room table.
Setsuna's eyebrow twitched. "I'm beginning to think I might have better luck hiring Happosai to guard a girl's changeroom from intruders."
"I'm okay!" Chaos exclaimed, picking himself out from the tangle of dining room chairs. "I'm fine. It's probably just some internal bleeding."
"CHU CHU!" Rampage happily squeaked whilst sucking on his hair.
Chaos glowered up at the SD Godzilla-thingy for a mascot as he pulled Rampage off his head--only to discover that her drool had subsequently given him a very slick Astroboy hairstyle. He slowly turned to Setsuna and Hotaru, who were desperately trying not to laugh.
"You speak not a word of this," he stated. "Not so much as a syllable of kana to anyone."
"Perish the thought," Setsuna replied, snickering behind her key-shaped Timestaff.
Hotaru sighed as she appraised Chaos' new hairstyle. "As much as I'm chagrined to say it, you look better when you're Crossplaying."
"Really?" Chaos asked cheerfully, perking up. "I've got a spare female plugsuit from Asuka Langley if you want me to model it."
Came the resounding reply: "NO."
"You never let me have any fun," Chaos pouted.
"And you're saying that being with me isn't fun?" Hotaru inquired darkly.
Visions of a Death Reborn Revolution (though certainly not of Escaflowne, since we're not about to pander to fangirls by describing how Dilandau looks in a pair of briefs) dancing through his head and then going where the dub don't shine, Chaos laughed nervously and tried to placate Hotaru by massaging her shoulders.
"Aha haaaaa...it's always fun where you are," he said, flashing her a sincere smile. Only later did he realize he still had some bits o' Puchu bear stuck between his teeth.
"If your version of fun involves getting your ass smited by a bunch of leather-clad Outers," drawled Dark Mayhem from the living room couch. He tipped his head sideways and adeptly avoided the impending flying cow that went right through the balcony door and plummeted some 28 floors below.
But as luck would have it, Yakumo was there to break the cow's fall. Not to let a good deed go unrewarded, the cow reciprocated the effort by helping breaking most of the bones in Yakumo's body.
Pai: "Wah! A Holstein just turn Yakumo into street okonomiyaki! Yakumo, speak to Pai!"
Cow: o.O; "Moo?"
Pai: [???] "Yakumo speaks cow?"
Yakumo: x.x "I'd retort to that, but I think I've got an udder shoved halfway up my nose...."
Completely unscathed, the cow sauntered off to graze on the local flowerbeds. Or on whomever had recently fallen into Jusenkyo's Spring of Drowned Mulch. But that's not important to the story.
Chaos sniffed indignantly and opted to ignore the uber exploder fanboy's smirk. "I don't have to take this abuse; I can abuse myself just as well as anyone here can. Shall we go, Hotaru?" he asked, hooking his arm around hers.
At least he thought it was Hotaru's.
"Chaos-chan, you're about to go out walking arm in arm with the coat rack," Hotaru sighed.
"Maybe he'll get lucky and be able to give it a good night kiss without being smote for it," Dark Mayhem laughed.
Chaos' eyebrow twitched as he made sure to latch onto Hotaru this time around. "Hush, uber exploder Newt-boy!"
And with that, he gracefully walked Hotaru out the front door of the apartment--and walked himself right into the doorframe.
Hotaru: "Chaos-chan, you can't fit two people side by side through a doorway."
Chaos: x.x "So I noticed. Itai!!"
* * *
Cruising down the highway in Setsuna's luxurious Winnabego--
Setsuna: ^^;; "Of all the fics to have my DeLorean in the garage for flux capacitor maintenance inspections."
Hotaru: [sigh!] "Well, at least you have a bathroom onhand. Are you almost done in there, Chaos-chan?"
Chaos: [inside the bathroom] "I just knew I shouldn't have drank that extra six-pack of Kimagure Orange Soda right before we left."
Anyhoo, Chaos rejoined with the two Senshi after washing his hands. "So where are we going again?" he asked as he sat down in the dining room seats.
Hotaru snuggled up next to him, pressing her bosoms against his chest. Instantly the blade of Haruka's Space Sword punched through the wall of the Winnabego, missing Chaos' head by mere inches.
"What was that?" Hotaru asked, looking up.
Chaos sweatdropped as he scooted away from the Talisman sticking through the wall. "Just a draft, Hotaru-chan. Nothing life-threatening so long as her aim stays off." He glanced out through the front windshield and saw the shimmer of the Bay of Tokyo beside them. "Just where are we going anyways?"
"To my beach house," Setsuna replied as she made the appropriate turn-off. "There's a problem involving the armada of chibi-Havocs I'd like you to help solve."
"Ano...far be it from me to dispute my flawless genius," Chaos said, scratching his head. "But if it's getting rid of any Havoc incarnation, why didn't you go to Carnage first?"
A darkened expression crossed over Setsuna's face. "A month ago in my cottage just outside of Osaka, I had a chibi-Havoc infestation. I asked Carnage to clean them out...and now my cottage is just a large, smoking hole in the earth."
"Point," Chaos admitted. "But what about Dark Mayhem?"
"He just laughed and put 50,000 Yen on the chibi-Havocs."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...what about Demolition?"
Setsuna: [shrug!] "Every time he flexed his muscles to demonstrate his strength, I just lost sight of him. Go figure."
Chaos: "And Riot? Or Ruckus, even."
Setsuna: "Riot's off on another training exercise for his next battle/date with Twilight Suzuka. And Ruckus...Ruckus just rubbed his butt and say 'No way' the second he heard it involved Havoc."
Chaos: [more sweatdrops!] "Pesti-chan?"
Setsuna: "He's there now, but I don't think he'll last much longer."
Chaos: "What about Desolation?"
Setsuna: "Two weeks ago I found out I had an infestation in my condo in the Ginza ward, and asked Desolation to help clear them out. The second he stuck one foot inside, the entire complex was crushed by a falling Gundam colony."
Chaos: ^-^ "But he got rid of the chibi-Havocs!"
Setsuna: "And my condo too, not to mention half the Ginza district! All I've got left is the beach house."
Chaos: "What about the fangirls?"
Setsuna: "Sarcasm couldn't fit smiting the chibi-Havocs into her pampering sessions with the bishie harem. She also added that she likes her cookies right where they are, thank you very much. And I just fear that Anarchy would just level the house regardless."
Setsuna: [sweatdrop!] "You don't want to know."
Setsuna: "Chaos, I'm desperate, not insane."
Chaos flashed Setsuna a smug grin. "Well, it appears you've indeed saved the best for last--"
"Actually, Setsuna-momma's resorting to desperate measures," Hotaru cut in.
"But still," Chaos insisted. "You came to me, and there is no better fanboy than I to take care of your problem. Leave it to me to get rid of your chibi-Havoc problem quickly, quietly and without leaving any trace of their existence!" He then added in afterthought, "Out of curiosity, how many chibi-Havocs are in your beach house?"
Setsuna held up one hand and started counting off her fingers. "Let's see: one, two, three...um, all of them, I think."
Chaos kept smiling. "All of them? As in: all five hundred chibi- Havocs? You have an unholy army of knee-high hentai's running amok in your beach house?"
"Chaos-chan, that's a nasty eyebrow twitch you've developed," Hotaru remarked.
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