*            *            *

            A few minutes later, Setsuna's handy dandy Winnabego pulled up in front of her beach house without incident. Unless you count when Chaos had Setsuna pull over and pick up a hitchhiker who turned out to be the Tenryu, Ceres. This unto itself wouldn't have been a problem...had Chaos not been modeling a robe that looked identical to her stolen hagamoro.
            "Well, look on the bright side, Setsuna-momma," Hotaru said, trying to remain optimistic as she stepped out from the Winnabego. "You always did want a sunroof."
            Setsuna could only woefully look up at the shredded remains of her motorhome's ceiling. "And I had just three more payments left on it...." she lamented.
            Hotaru walked around to the front of the Winnabego, where a singed and rather bedraggled Chaos was still tenaciously clinging to the front grill.
            "You can let go now," she said to him.
            Chaos gave a paranoid glance around the driveway before looking at Hotaru and quietly asking, "Is the freaky blue-haired woman and her psychokinetic powers gone?"
            Hotaru nodded, helping pry his hands off the front of the Winnabego. "Ceres decided you weren't the effort and went off to destroy some Mikage corporation instead."
            "Oh...well, that's not so bad," Chaos sighed in relief. "You might want to get a crowbar, Hotaru-chan. I've lost all feeling my fingers."
            Once he was finally detached from the Winnabego, Chaos marched dutifully up to the beach house, Hotaru and Setsuna walking behind him. The beach house itself was magnificent, almost reminiscent of an old-style Japanese inn with at least two floors surrounded by walkways and verandahs. There were numerous windows and sliding screen panels-- and the back of the beach house allowed for a breath-taking view of the ocean.
            Standing upon the front porch, Chaos took a deep breath and boldly stated, "Yoshi! I'm ready to venture inside!"
            "But is the hardsuit totally necessary?" Setsuna inquired.
            Chaos shifted around inside his Bubblegum Crisis hardsuit, popping up the visor of his helmet. "Either way, this is chaffing my hips something fierce."
            Now it could have been that said hardsuit was in fact strong enough for a Boomer posing as a man, but made for a woman--and at the time Chaos was no woman while he was in it. Or else it was just that Chaos had dry skin. Shedding his hardsuit much akin to the way Ginpachi sheds his Lucky Kitty Gym Shorts during an Ultimate Miss Hinako Humiliation March, Chaos walked up to the front door and prepared to turn the knob.
            "Gomen, but you'll have to leave those in the front entry," Setsuna interjected, pointing down at Chaos' shoes.
            But for as much as he did not want to part with his trendy Nikenshin basketball/Meiji era assassination shoes (Just "Oro?" it), Chaos did not want to act rude in front of his hostess. There was also the fact that Hotaru might smack him upside the back of the head with her Silence Glaive too.
            So Chaos ditched the shoes, and once again prepared to open the front door.
            "And those," Setsuna added.
            Chaos sighed and shook out his jacket, spilling dozens of startled, chattering Kodamas onto the floor. They all skittered about before taking up residence amongst the lawn gnomes in Setsuna's front garden.
            "And that too," Setsuna said, pointing to the oversized Berserk sword Chaos was struggling to drag behind him.
            Chaos tried giving her the teary Bambi eyes, but she refused to bend. Reluctantly he heaved the big-assed sword over his shoulder--and then pitched backwards as the sheer weight of the weapon pinned him to the ground.
            "Honestly, Chaos-chan," Hotaru sighed, hoisting up the big-assed sword off Chaos with ease. "You'd think that all the damage you survive on a regular basis would toughen your muscles."
            Chaos managed to get back up on his feet and began dusting himself off. "Not really. But my speed has noticeably improved. So long as he doesn't go Generator on my butt again, I should be able to pummel Gawl at the next 100-meter dash match between Ohju and Jyuban."
            Hotaru nodded her head at the big-assed sword still clapped between her two hands. "Where should I put this?"
            "Oh, just toss it somewhere," Chaos said, waving the question aside. "I'll pick it up later when we're done inside."
            With a shrug, Hotaru tossed the sword over her shoulder and managed to cleave Setsuna's mailbox in half as the sword came spinning back down to Earth.

Hotaru: ^^; "Ano...I'll pay for that one, Setsuna-momma."

Setsuna: [sweatdrop!] "This can't be a good omen."
            And that has nothing to do with Akio's latest idea to screw with otaku's minds and turn Ohtori Academy's dueling arena into a giant dance floor (complete with an upside-down, spinning disco ball!) so that the chosen one can be given the power to Dance Dance Revolutionize the world!
            Well, it doesn't.
            "I'm just surprised you've contracted out, Setsuna," Chaos remarked as he opened up the beach house's front door. "I mean, they're only chibi-Havocs, and you've punted them before. How bad could they possibly be?"
            Chaos froze in the doorway, a wide-eyed Hotaru peering over his shoulder as they stared at the beach house's ecchi-infested interior. Dozens of chibi-Havoc-chans stopped dead in their tracks as the daylight streamed through the doorway, their eyes all fixating on Chaos. A chorus of "Hotcha!" echoed throughout the entire house, followed by the sounds of all the chibi-Havocs scattering.
            Female chibi-Havocs were scampering across the floors, carrying small hordes of stolen panties and bras on their backs. Others were defying the laws of physics (as any good pervert would) by running along the walls and ceiling. Stolen women's underwear were messily strewn about the furniture--most of which bore the telltale white stains of repeated splootings.
            "For the love of Naoko Takeuchi," Chaos muttered in disbelief. He then started to roll back his sleeves--only to realize he was now wearing a tank top.

Hotaru: "You go through a lot of wardrobe changes, you know that?"

Chaos: "At least I change clothes on a regular basis. I don't wear the same outfits for episodes on end. I mean, does Mamoru have nothing but black shirts and green jackets in his closet?"

Setsuna: "Actually, he's got a smashing Principal Kuno Hawaiian shirt, and some cute SD Kaikan Phrase boxers hanging up where he thinks no one would look."

Chaos & Hotaru: [slowly turning to Setsuna] "......"

Setsuna: ^^; "Er, not that I was actually there. Ummm, you probably shouldn't mention the boxers to Usagi either."
            Suddenly a small legion of chibi-Havocs raced across the living room, carrying over their heads their latest hapless victim.

chibi-Havocs: "Hup hup hup hup!"

Pandemonium: ;_; "Otoka-chans, put me down this instant! I order you!"
            Chaos watched as Pandemonium was unceremoniously carried off down the hallway and into the library, the door slamming shut behind the chibi-Havocs. "Now there's something you don't see every fic," he remarked.
            Hotaru cast a concerned look down the hallway. "Ano, that was Pandemonium. Shouldn't we help her?"
            Chaos shook his head, placing a hand on Hotaru's shoulder. "It's too late for her, Hotaru-chan. We should just let nature take it's course now."
            "H-Hai."
            Setsuna groaned as she tried stepping over some of the chibi- Havocs scattered across the living room carpet. "They just coasted in on that damned Cream Lemon tsunami of theirs about a week ago and haven't left since. I swear they are getting more annoying with each--"
            She stopped speaking as she became acutely aware of a chibi- Havoc scurrying up her legs and over her bosoms. Setsuna immediately thrust a hand into her purse and pulled out a small aerosol can labeled 'Panty Raid'. Hit in the face with the spray, the chibi-Havoc shrieked and then dropped onto the floor, twitching furiously.

chibi-Havoc: x.x "Orooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!"
            "--passing day," she finished. "Honestly, they're worse than cockroaches."
            "How about half-human, half-cockroach thingies who claim to be the Ultimate Teacher?" Chaos inquired.
            Setsuna shrugged, spraying another chibi-Havoc off Hotaru's back. "At least Ginpachi can't hide underneath the couch and cop a feel off your butt when you sit down on the cushions."
            The trio headed into the kitchen, which looked just as bad as the living room. Chibi footprints were everywhere, as well as more women's underwear. Chairs were knocked over and kitchen utensils were all in disarray.
            "Wild guess," Chaos said, glancing back at Setsuna. "Nyotaimori fest?"
            "Among other perverted culinary dishes," Setsuna replied, shaking her head. "I'll never be able to throw a decent cocktail party here again."
            Chaos laughed. "Daijobu, Setsuna! They may be chibi-Havocs, but they're still not clever enough to outwit the idiotic mind of Chaos! Or was it...'outwit the ingenious mind of Chaos'?"
            Hotaru dared to open up the pantry door. A mess of canned and dried food spilled out onto the floor--along with a few stunned chibi- Havocs. The pair of chibi-Havocs shrieked, scrambled to gather up their stash of panties and bras, then skittered off to find a new hiding place. Hotaru let out an indignant shout as one of the chibi- Havoc's tried flipping up her skirt as she bounded on by.
            "Hey, only Chaos-chan's allowed to do that!" she angrily called out after the chibi-Havoc.
            "Better watch out," Setsuna stated, clonging Chaos with a frying pan.

Chaos: "Ow! What was that for?!"

Setsuna: [grrrr!] "You flip up her skirts, you pervert?"

Chaos: "Can I help it if her skirt's caught in the updraft whenever the author drops a mobile suit on me?"
            Setsuna then continued, "They'll steal your underwear the second you let your guard down. Thanks to the drafts, I've had the sniffles for a week now."
            Hotaru beamed and gave them the V-sign. "Lucky for me I'm not wearing any panties! Chaos-chan, you want to see?"
            "NA NI?!" boomed the loud voice of a very ominous demonic Setsuna, looming over a rather frantic SD Chaos.
            "Kyaaaaa! Setsuna, put down the iron skillet!" Chaos shrieked, diving for cover beneath the table. He then came face to face with a chibi-Havoc grazing on some leftover Jello.
            "Oro?" the chibi-Havoc remarked amidst chews.
            Chaos then did what anyone else would have done: he pulled out a pan-dimensional mallet and squashed the chibi-Havoc with it. Of course...this might have worked had the chibi-Havoc not splooted right in Chaos face, spraying Cream Lemon all over the kitchen.
            He slowly turned his head to Hotaru, trying to look dignified as he wiped the whipped cream off his face and flicked it onto the floor. "At least you know that won't work," Hotaru said, making a helpless shrug.
            Chaos then paused as he heard a loud commotion upstairs. "What's that?"
            Setsuna listened for a few seconds before replying, "Oh, that's Pesti-chan. He must still be trying to drive out the chibi-Havocs."
            She led them upstairs, eager to see the progress Pesti-chan had made. "They told me a few hours ago that they'd found the nest," she said. "Somewhere in my underwear drawer, I think. Ah, here we are!"
            Setsuna pointed to the closed door at the end of the hallway. Abruptly the bedroom door was thrown open, SD Pesti #6 tumbling across the floor before hitting the wall. Completely ignorant of Chaos, Hotaru & Setsuna, he immediately leapt back to his feet. "Okay, who did that?!" he exclaimed angrily, stomping back into the bedroom.
            The door slammed shut behind him.
            Seconds later the door was opened as a rather stunned SD Pesti #4 stumbled out into the hall, his underwear pulled up over his head in the worst kind of wedgie ever.

SD Pesti #4: [crashing into a table] "Ack! I'm blind! I'm blind!"

Hotaru: [eyebrow twitch!] "What the?"
            SD Pesti #2 walked out, ducking a flying chibi-Havoc at the same time. "Yo, number four, get back in here! I think some of them are trying to conjure a Happoken attack and we need you to serve as cannon fodder!"
            "How goes the battle?" Setsuna dared to ask.
            SD Pesti #2 punted #4 back into the bedroom before answering. "We were doing fine until Number Three defected over to their side!" he shouted scathingly, making sure all the occupants in the bedroom could hear him.
            With that, SD Pesti #2 stomped back into Setsuna's bedroom, the door slamming shut behind him. Loud scuffles were heard, accompanied by many an audible "whump!" from whatever was being flung around. And then there was an unnerving bout of silence.
            "What do you think happened?" Hotaru asked quietly.
            Chaos dared to inch forward and place an ear to the bedroom door. "I can hear something churning inside," he called out to the two Outers. "It sounds like...like an incoming Cream Lemon tidal wave!!"
            Suddenly the door to Setsuna's bedroom heaved, the screws holding the hinges in place popping out. With a loud ominous creak the door began to bulge forward, its wooden frame buckling from the growing pressure inside.
            Chaos was already slowly backing away. "Daijobu," he said calmly. "It should hold long enough for us to get out of the tsunami's path. Just keep on thinking genki genki positive thoughts. The door will not break. The door will not break!"
            Setsuna and Hotaru exchanged glances and then shrugged. "The door will not break!" they chanted, sweatdropping. "The door will not break!"
            "Wai! That's the spirit," Chaos beamed. "Think genki genki positive. The door will not break! Beans' lake god shall be mine!"
            [Cue the terrified flying octopus smacking Chaos in the face!]

Terrified flying octopus: o.O; *SPLAT!*

Chaos: --;; "That was uncalled for."
            And then with a horrific shudder the door split, Cream Lemon spraying out through the crack. The pressure inside the bedroom was so great that the geyser of whipped cream was hitting the ceiling...not to mention Chaos.
            "Nothing to worry about," Chaos squeaked. "The door will hold! The door will hold!"
            Suddenly the door shattered apart, spilling forth an enormous tidal wave of frothing Cream Lemon which stretched from the floor to the ceiling. Chaos found himself in the shadow of the roaring deluge furiously racing towards him.

Chaos: "Okay, screw the genki genki positive approach! Scream like a girl and run for your lives! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
            Setsuna's eyes widened as she frantically turned to Hotaru. "Quick, Hime-chan, we've got to...Hotaru? Hotaru?"
            But Setsuna was only talking to a dissipating trail of dust as Hotaru was already racing away from the master bedroom. Chaos was right behind her, scrambling across the floor at breakneck super- deformed speed.
            "Wait for me, Hotaru-chan!" he shrieked. "If I'm close enough to you, the author will have to spare us both from the smiting!"
            Setsuna had just enough time for her eyebrow to give a single nervous twitch before the Cream Lemon tsunami crashed into her, sweeping the hapless Senshi down the hallway in a surge of whipped cream & chibi-Havoc-chans surfing the crest...not to mention the 6 SD Pesti-chans flailing about in the waves.

chibi-Havocs: "Hotcha!"

Setsuna: [burble burble!] "Why does this always happen to me?!"

SD Pesti #4: [clinging to a chibi-Havoc] "And me without my sexy commando board shorts too!"


*            *            *

            Well, things did calm down a bit after the Cream Lemon tsunami swept through the beach house, eventually pouring itself through the backyard and onto the beach. Numerous female sunbathers on the sand were instantly stripped nekkid. They naturally took to chasing around a small garrison of bounding chibi-Havocs.
            Inside the now cream-drenched house, Hotaru sat up from the chandelier she had managed to grab hold of and climb into. The Cream Lemon tsunami had subsequently raged beneath her and managed to soak only her feet.
            Chaos and Setsuna, however, didn't fare so well.
            "Daijobu Chaos-chan, Setsuna-momma?" Hotaru called out to them.
            Sprawled out on her back (and on top of Chaos), Setsuna stared up at nothing in particular, a distant expression on her face. "It was like Third impact...only creamier."
            "Moshi moshi?" Chaos warbled from beneath her. "I can't feel my legs here!"
            Hotaru carefully disentangled herself from the chandelier and then dropped down onto the couch. A small splooting of whipped and creamy goodness resulted from her landing. Her violet eyes looked back at the beach. "So much for the Pesti-chans."
            Chaos nodded. "I guess it's just up to us."
            Setsuna let out a derisive snort of laughter as she rolled off him. "Ha! No offense, Chaos, but right now I wouldn't trust you with a cup of instant Ramen noodles."

Chaos: "Hey, the cause of the Ramen Incident is still unknown! Nobody can prove it was me!"

Hotaru: "Ano...Chaos-chan? She was kidding."

Chaos: ^^; "Aha haaaaaaaaaa...it still wasn't me."
            Hotaru glanced over her shoulder as she saw a cluster of chibi- Havoc-chans skittering across the ground, frolicking nude in the leftover puddles of whipped cream. "Looks like the tsunami still didn't manage to flush them all out. So what's our next plan of attack?"
            "In order to catch them, we must become them," Chaos explained, wringing his shirt out. "We must outperv the chibi-Havocs!"
            Hotaru was unable to conceal her amused grin. "Oh, this I have to see."
            "Chaos," Setsuna asked, pausing to spray another chibi-Havoc clamped onto her butt. "Do you actually have a plan?"
            "No, not really," Chaos admitted sheepishly. "Does it show?"
            Abruptly another voice cut in, "I can help you."
            Everyone blinked and looked around, their eyes finally coming to rest upon the deerhead mounted on the wall. Suddenly the plaque popped off the wall, revealing the rest of the deer hiding in a secret passageway behind the wall.
            Chaos sweatdropped as he watched the deer trot over to him. "Okay, this has officially mindfucked me."
            "Setsuna, where did you get that?" Hotaru whispered in alarm.
            Setsuna could only shake her head in bewilderment. "That's just it. I never had one."
            "I can help you get rid of the chibi-Havocs," the deer said to Chaos. "The solution is very simple actually."

Chaos: [grrrr!] "If you say *anything* about me needing to shove an airhose up my ass, pump it up and then have me literally fart around the room...."

Deer: "How'd you know I was going to recommend that?"
            *PUNT!*
            "My, there are very few clouds out today," Hotaru remarked as she peered through the deer-shaped hole in the ceiling.
            Setsuna plunked herself down on a footstool, ignoring the 'spludgy' sound effects created from the Cream Lemon soaked into the footstool. "It's hopeless," she sighed. "I'm going to have to move and leave this to the chibi-Havocs. And I really liked the tiling on the floors too...."
            Chaos placed a firm hand on her shoulder. "You mean to tell me you're ready to give up? You, the Sailor Soldier of Time, who has never let anything faze her before in the history of the planet?"
            "That was before you self-inserted idiots came along," Setsuna darkly muttered.
            Yet Chaos countered, "If you let the chibi-Havocs win now, then what's to stop another enemy from attacking Earth? The Senshi are the world's last line of defense--and right now you, Hotaru and I are the only things stopping the chibi-Havocs from pillaging the world's supply of women's underwear.
            "Hai!" Chaos exclaimed, enthusiastically spreading his arms in a dramatic gesture. "We shall triumph over hentai, for they may cop a feel off us; they may take away our bras and our panties--but they cannot take...our freedom!"

Setsuna: --;; "Get your hand off my Hime-chan's breasts first."

Chaos: o.O; [grope grope!]

Hotaru: ;p "Chaos-chan, who needs chibi-Havocs when I have you to do this?"

Setsuna: [waving her Timestaff] "Because I'm a sporting Senshi, Chaos, you get a five second head start before I try to pummel you."

Chaos: --;; "Haaaaaiii."


Page 3
Back to the fics