"There we go!" Chaos stated, smiling proudly as he surveyed his first attempt to stop the chibi-Havocs.
Hotaru remained skeptical. "You're using a bunch of mousetraps baited with bras?"
Chaos gave an enthusiastic nod. "Hai! Naturally no hentai can resist the sweet trappings of a D-cup bra. They'll come into the living room, see how the entire floor is covered with these babies, and wham! We catch them then punt them out to sea. It's childishly brilliant. Ne, Hotaru-chan?"
[Fanboy's Note: we've secretly switched Hotaru with a bunch of cotton balls. Let's see if Chaos notices the difference.]
Chaos: "Hotaru, you're looking paler than usual. (^-^) But your skin has never been softer and more absorbent!"
Hotaru: [eyebrow twitch!] "A-Ano...."
Chaos continued to fraternize with the large cottonball mannequin in a back wig before getting bonked on the head by Setsuna's Timestaff.
"Will you cut that out?" she snapped.
With a sigh, Chaos nodded as he rubbed the large bump sticking out from his hair. "Now all we have to do is find a good hiding place and watch the chibi-Havocs fall prey to my ingenious trap. Ne, where did my bottle of Hard Lemonade go?"
Hotaru gestured out to the other side of the living room. "You left it on the coffee table there."
"Domo!" Chaos said. "I'll be right back."
And with that, he leapt right into the middle of the bra-baited mousetraps.
Chaos: "OW! OOOH! SON OF A--! OH, THAT'S GOING TO LEAVE A MARK! ITAI!"
Setsuna: "You know, he could have just skipped wading through his own sea of mousetraps and used the verandah instead."
Hotaru: "Setsuna-momma, this is Chaos-chan we're talking about."
Chaos: "KYAAAAAA!! I'm okay, I'm okay! Can someone find a first-aid kit for me?"
Setsuna: [shaking her head] "Just what do you see in that fanboy anyways?"
Hotaru: "Usually I see him in a lot of pain."
[Cue the horde of chibi-Havocs carting Pan-chan off to another room!]
Chibi-Havocs: "Hup hup hup hup!"
Pandemonium: "Can't we talk this over?! Otoka-chaaaaans!!"
"Okay, there were admittedly a few glitches in my first plan," a now thoroughly tensor-bandaged Chaos admitted.
"A few glitches?" Setsuna remarked dryly.
Hotaru gently tried to placate Setsuna as best she could. "Setsuna-momma, he's trying his best. Ne, Chaos-chan?" She then sweatdropped as she saw Chaos start to put on an environmental biohazard suit. "Um, just what are you doing now?"
Chaos bound the seams of his sleeves and gloves up with duct tape. "Something I tried once during the Bean Wars," he replied, adjusting the way his helmet and mask sat on his head. "It's a little extreme, but it should work even against the chibi-Havocs."
He bent over and grabbed hold of a lead-lined case, and very ceremoniously made his way towards the stairs.
"Just where are you going?" Setsuna asked, following behind him.
Chaos patted the side of the case. "To your master bedroom."
"But Chaos-chan, that's where the nest is," Hotaru said, visibly nervous about her koibito walking headlong (and brainshort) into certain danger. "You saw what they did to the Pesti-chans, and there were six of them. I can't exactly replace you if something goes wrong."
Setsuna grinned. "Chaos goes down with the fic, or else takes down the chibi-Havocs. This just might be a win-win situation after all."
"Setsuna-momma!" Hotaru exclaimed angrily. "You may not approve, but I am still going to date Chaos-chan."
"Don't you worry your pretty little Silence Glaive, Hotaru," Chaos said through his mask. "Inside this container is one of the deadliest items known to the Aniverse: a pair of boxer shorts with SD Starlight patterns on them. And this one was worn by Yaten too!"
Both Outers halted in their tracks, gawking at Chaos.
Such a weapon was indeed most horrific. Touching any of the icky transsexual Senshi wanna-be's wardrobe would reduce anyone to agonizing twitching fits. Even the chibi-Havocs' immunity was being called into question. However, the obvious downside was the possibility of Chaos succumbing to the terrifying evils of the Starlight boxers and becoming a victim too.
Hotaru held her breath as Chaos walked down the hall. "Chaos- chan, please know what you're doing," she whispered.
Just then Setsuna noticed something. "Ano...why is the bottom of the container bubbling?"
Yes, the SD Starlight-patterned boxers were in fact so toxic and corrosive that they had eaten right through the casing's lead lining! The bottom of the container abruptly fell out with an audible "whump!", yet inside his biohazard suit Chaos didn't hear a thing.
Patriotically humming Mink's Omelette Song to himself, Chaos opened the bedroom door and walked right into the chibi-Havoc nest...unwittingly leaving his secret weapon behind in the hall.
Hotaru and Setsuna silently watched the Starlight boxers sit there harmlessly on the floor. And then the floor began to smoke, the tiling bubbling with a loud hiss as it went molten. With a putrid scent hanging in the air, the Starlight boxers proceeded to eat a hole right through the floor, dropping down to the main level below.
There was a brief flash of light before the two Outers heard the telltale hissing as the boxers began to eat through the living room floor.
"My interior designer is going to kill me," Setsuna groaned. "I can only hope those boxers weren't radioactive."
Hotaru looked up at the bedroom door. "What about Chaos?"
As if on cue, what followed her question was a loud incoherent string of words and shrieks.
Chaos: "KYAAAAA!! SON OF A--! MOTHER--! OW! ACK! TASUKETEEEEE!!"
Chaos abruptly stumbled out from the bedroom, his hair sticking out everywhere & looking like something out of an Akira Toriyama manga, clad in only his SD Gourry cow boxers (which had been yanked up to give him a rather unpleasant wedgie), with lipstick and mascara now messily applied to his face and the kana for "girly-boy" written on his forehead in permanent black marker.
"What the hell happened to you?" Setsuna exclaimed in dismay.
Taking a deep breath, Chaos pushed aside a few bangs of hair hanging in front of his eyes. "We may have a small problem here," he stated, rejoining with the two ladies.
"Understatement of the day," Hotaru said. "Chaos-chan, watch out for the hole in the floor. Those Starlight boxers ate through--"
Chaos: o.O; "KYAAAAAAAA!"
Hotaru: >.< "Nevermind."
Needless to say, Hotaru and Setsuna raced down the stairs to see if Chaos had survived the fall. But luckily for this otaku, a marble bust of Nakago had broken Chaos' fall.
"Shimatta, look at that," Setsuna sighed as she looked at the glowing hole now burned into her living room floor. "They've eaten a hole right into the earth itself."
She abruptly glowered as a familiar draft blew past her. "Not again!" Setsuna snapped, whirling and trying to spray a cackling chibi-Havoc bounding out of the living room with the Senshi's panties.
"They were absolutely vicious little buggers," Chaos groaned as Hotaru helped drag him over to a couch.
With an annoyed look Hotaru booted a number of chibi-Havocs off the cushions. That still didn't stop one chibi-Havoc from swinging by on a vine and stealing her bra. Chaos tried lobbing a cow at the fleeing chibi-Havoc, but that only served to make the inevitable Cream Lemon sploot even creamier.
"I hate to say it," Chaos said. "But these chibi-Havocs are totally out of my league. Stealing a lake god: simple. Writing a Chaosfic like 'Delinquent in Dragu Slave': ha! But this...."
He shook his head, his voice trailing off ominously.
"Whatever theories we had about chibi-Havoc intelligence were way off. They're smarter than Velociraptors. They're smarter than the Kuroneko from Trigun; they're smarter than that man, Yang Wen-Li. Look at what just one chibi-Havoc did: she bitch-slapped me repeatedly & stole my pants, then she solved my Rubix cube, and then she hacked into an orbital satellite so she could get the Playboy channel!"
"Only one chibi-Havoc did all this to you?" Hotaru asked incredulously.
Chaos squirmed as she began to wipe the make-up off his face. "She did need a few other chibi-Havocs to pin me down while they wrote on my forehead."
"So what am I supposed to do now?" Setsuna demanded. "I'm not going to live with these things bouncing all over the place. And there's no way I'd be able to sell this beach house with the infestation still here!"
"There is still a way to come out on top of the pile o' chibi- Havocs," Chaos interjected.
Setsuna hmphed, "You have another brilliant plan?"
"Hai!" Chaos cheered. "All I need is a phone."
That caused the cynical expression on Setsuna's face to waver. She looked at him curiously, not even remotely certain of what the fanboy had in mind. If the fanboy even had a mind to begin with.
Hotaru meanwhile fetched Chaos a portable phone, swatting aside a few rambunctious chibi-Havocs in the process. "All that martial arts training Haruka has me go through certainly pays off," she said almost cheerfully, after leveling a chibi-Havoc with a roundhouse kick to its head.
Chaos: [aside to Setsuna] "Must be a seiyuu thing."
Setsuna: [nod nod!] "Hai hai. Her voice actress did play Yawara: A Fashionable Judo Girl, after all."
"Why do you need a phone, Chaos-chan?" Hotaru asked as she handed him the receiver.
"I'm going to contact the expert on this sort of thing," Chaos stated, dialing a number.
"Who are you calling?" Setsuna asked, suddenly very suspicious.
"Who else? Havoc."
Setsuna groaned and massaged her temples. "Just when I think this fic can't get any sink any lower into the bowels of hell...."
Chaos: ^-^ "Oh come on, Setsuna! We're more in the duodenum of hell right now."
Setsuna: "And that's supposed to make me feel better?!"
About half an hour later (give or take 5 minutes for random panty-thefts), Havoc drove up to the beach house's front lawn in the Pervmobile. The car purred like a well-lubbed...er, nekojin before he shut off the engine.
Havoc hopped over the door of his Dragon Pink Cadillac and then appraised Setsuna's abode for a few moments. "I can't believe Chaos called me out of the final round of the Diddlywinks tournament for this," he remarked, removing his sunglasses.
He then sweatdropped when he saw a chibi-Havoc posing as a lawn gnome & mooning him.
chibi-Havoc: >) [wiggling her butt] "Hotcha!"
Havoc: [grrrr!] "Why, you little..."
Havoc wasted no time in reaching down the collar of his DOJI BOY shirt and drawing out his weapon of choice: the Spear of LongPenius. The chibi-Havoc let out a startled yelp when it saw the double-helixed phalluses aimed right at it.
chibi-Havoc: o.O; "Oro?"
Havoc: [launching the spear] "Let's see what your proctologist has to say about this!"
The chibi-Havoc scrambled to pull up her pants, but was too late. At the risk of stating the obvious, said chibi-Havoc felt a new and altogether unpleasant sensation as the spear collided. Instantly there was a "chibi-Sploot!", the fallout of Cream Lemon revealing no traces of the chibi-Havoc left atop the garden rock.
"Baka," Havoc stated with great disdain.
He brushed a stray glob of whipped cream off his jacket and then headed for the porch. He was greeted with the front door opening up and two chibi-Havocs darting out between his legs, each one carrying a ridiculously huge amount of panties in their chibi hands.
"What the?" Havoc said, looking into the beach house.
He was instantly met with a large cow that clobbered him.
Inside, things were getting even worse for Chaos, Hotaru and Setsuna. Hotaru was growing rather annoyed at being constantly felt up by someone other than Chaos, and had resorted to transforming into Sailor Saturn. Any chibi-Havoc that skittered out from a hiding place and got close enough was whacked by Saturn's glaive. Chaos just lobbed the occasional cow, and provided an umbrella for Hotaru to hide behind whenever splooting took place.
"Why do they all seem to be gunning for me?!" Setsuna exclaimed, lining up her swing and then launching yet another chibi-Havoc through the air with her BAK.
"Chibi-Havocs are naturally drawn to your pheromones as opposed to Hotaru's," Havoc replied, stepping into the front entry. "Since she's older yet very nubile, Setsuna has the more prevalent 'fondle me' pheromones. The chibi-Havocs do sense Hotaru at close range, but they can detect Setsuna's pheromonogamy from across the entire house."
Chaos leapt across the room, glomping onto Havoc and launching into large rivers of tears. "Finally!" he sniffled. "What took you?"
"Hey, the Hentenno never comes late," Havoc countered, prying himself free of the teary SD fanboy. "You're just too impatient."
He looked around the living room, noting how much of it was decorated with whipped cream. One of Havoc's eyebrows twitched as he saw a chibi-Havoc with a hentai dojinshi scuttle out from behind a table and retreat into the kitchen.
"What's been going on in here? It looks like my place after the Perv Parade's splootenany in F9! finally ended."
"Your little chibified clones are what's happened," Setsuna stated, glaring at Havoc. "A whole hive of them moved in about a week ago, and ever since I've had to contend with this night and day."
Havoc was rather surprised, if not taken aback by her response. "The chibi-Havocs did all this?" he asked. "No, that can't be. I would expect this from a naughty tentacle monster, or even NinNin--but I've taught the chibi-Havocs better than this."
He took another look around the living room, and his eyebrow twitched. "Then again...this definitely looks like their handiwork. Mind if I take a look around?"
"Be my guest," Setsuna replied, still focused on thumping two more chibi-Havocs who were trying to escape down the hall.
"I can show you around," Hotaru spoke up, wrapping an arm around Chaos'. "I've been here a lot so I know the layout."
"I just know that you don't want to do into the master bedroom," Chaos stated, ardently nodding his head.
Havoc scratched his head. "Why don't I want to go into the master bedroom? And what's that written on your forehead, Chaos?"
The grand tour took longer than usual, mainly due to the fact that at every turn Hotaru and Chaos had to fend off amorous chibi- Havocs from pouncing and glomping onto Hotaru. Chaos just had to contend with the evil giggles a chibi-Havoc made whenever one saw 'girly-boy' written on his forehead.
Havoc didn't say much as he listened to Hotaru's spiel about each room. He did have to duck the occasional flying hentai, though.
The trio stopped at the intersection upstairs, calmly allowing for a small army of chibi-Havocs carry off Pandemonium to yet another room.
Chibi-Havocs: "Hup hup hup hup!"
Pandemonium: "Otoka-chans, I'm serious! Let me go!"
"Now do you see why we need your help with this?" Chaos said.
"Look, I know that the chibi-Havocs can be a little unruly," Havoc replied. "But is it really that serious that you need me?"
Suddenly Havoc convulsed, his DOJI BOY sweater bulging out at the chest. A chibi-Havoc punched through the fabric, spraying Cream Lemon all over Chaos' face. It let out a devilish cackle before bounding off, dragging a pilfered bra behind it.
"Hey, Megumi just gave me that one!" Havoc called out after the chibi-Havoc. He winced and rubbed the place where the chibi-Havoc had burst through his chest. "Damn, that hurt."
"Maybe we should go back downstairs," Hotaru suggested, trying not to sound nervous as she looked at Havoc's gaping chest wound.
But this being the uberperv, the hole just sealed itself up courtesy of Havoc being made from liquid hentai.
"Something is definitely wrong," Havoc stated as he sat down on the couch. "They've never behaved this way before."
"But you're the original; they were all based off you," Hotaru said, cuddling up next to Chaos. "Shouldn't you be able to control them?"
"I should," Havoc said as he tried to clean the Cream Lemon stains off his shirt. "But they've gone feral. The entire swarm is acting off perverted instinct now. Odds are the dissociation happened during F9!, when I lost my perverted groove. Without me, they turned into a hive. Chibi-Havoc-kun must be the Alpha Perv, and the chibi- Havoc-chans are his female soldiers."
Havoc scowled at the hole in his prized DOJI BOY shirt. "Okay, now it's personal. Chaos, you've got yourself a co-conspirator. It's time to show those chibi-Havocs who's higher on the ecchilutionary ladder."
Hotaru: ^-^ "Wai!"
Setsuna: "Then why do I still have this sinking feeling?"
"This is your latest grand idea?" Setsuna asked incredulously, staring down at Chaos.
Chaos nodded happily from where he sat on the toilet in the bathroom, a fishing rod in his hands. He busied himself with attaching a pair of panties to the hook. "You'll only catch a chibi-Havoc if you use the best lures. So Havoc's using some of the panties he's stolen off his most prized & nubile Anime babes."
"Won't Havoc object if you put holes in them?" Hotaru asked as she stepped into the bathroom. One of her eyebrows went up when she saw the black lacy thong Chaos was busy putting on the hook.
"Nah. I'm just hooking them around the tag in the back," Chaos replied. "No harm will befall these panties." He abruptly paused in thought. "I never thought I'd hear myself say that, not in a thousand fansubs at any rate."
Hotaru flashed Chaos at Cheshire cat grin. "Come to my house when Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma aren't around and you can say that all you want."
Chaos: o.O; "......"
Setsuna: "Hotaru-chan, stop teasing the fanboy."
Hotaru: ^-^ "But Chaos looks so cute when he's petrified."
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