It was another late morning at the Fanboys' apartment. Which meant that it was far too early to go on a "benkyo" binge, and certainly far too early to give the G-Gundam's Shining 1-Finger salute to all those otaku who thought that The Guyver made for a decent Anime.
After a night of carousing with the pure and scantily-clad Ami-chan, Dark Mayhem stumbled out from his still-smouldering bedroom to find something to munch on for breakfast. However, he didn't get much further than the dining room as he spotted two of the other fanboys watching some incredibly questionable television programming.
"Um...Carnage, Demolition?" the uber-exploder inquired. "Why are you watching Goku and Vegita do more push-ups?"
Demolition shrugged. "We couldn't sleep, so we're trying to bore ourselves to sleep instead. Though apparently in the next episode, Freeza's going to turn the entire Dragonbarf Z crew into his prison bitches. That should prove sort of entertaining, ne, oni-san?"
He glanced over to Carnage, who was snoring loudly into the armrest of the couch.
"And otaku wonder why we call it Dragonball Zzzzzzzzz," Dark Mayhem quipped. He glanced over to a sleeping bag curled up on the other couch, and raised one of his eyebrows. "And just what are you doing out here?"
Chaos yawned and grumpily massaged the base of his aching spine. "I had to sleep on the couch last night," he said.
"And the reason you couldn't use your own bed was...?"
Chaos' eyes started to tear up. "The PMS-2 kicked me out of my bedroom."
"They made a bet last night during a game of Tekken Tag," Demolition explained, unable to wipe the amused grin off his face. "Chaos lost, so the PMS-2 has exclusive rights to his room for the next few fics."
"It's not as bad as one might think," Chaos said as he rolled up his sleeping bag and pitched it down the hallway, where it landed on a wayward flathead panda. "Granted, the couch is a little lumpy from all the times we've been catapulted off it, or sent it crashing backwards. But in those early hours of the morning, I've been able to just stare up at the ceiling in peace and quiet, and pontificate to the Puchuu bear lurking under my bed."
Pesti-chan, who had just emerged from his room to go take his morning shower, sweatdropped in the hallway. "Is anyone else frightened by the fact that Chaos just used a word like 'pontificate'?"
"I'm more worried about the Puchuu under his bed," Dark Mayhem remarked.
"For example," Chaos continued. "If Gundam Wing were to take over the Blue Seed omakes, such as 'Susano-Oh No!', would the result be Treize Krushinada Airlines instead of Kushinada Airlines? Likewise, if there are terrorists here in the Sailormoon universe, would they make Demandos?"
He was quickly zorched by a Fireball, courtesy of Carnage.
"I was having a pleasant nap until your inane brain-storming gave me nightmares," he grumped.
"Oddly enough, I'd like to see Chaos go back to working on 'They Were 7 Samurai'," Pesti-chan said.
"Oh, I wouldn't use the shower if I were you, Pesti," Demolition piped up.
"Why not?" Pesti-chan said. "Unlike some fanboys here, I don't turn into a lizard whenever I take a bath."
Dark Mayhem's eyebrow twitched. "A newt's an amphibian, I'll have you know-and a damned sexy one at at that!"
"Yeah, whatever, Newt-boy," Chaos sighed, stifling another yawn. "We're currently having our apartment plumbing fixed, Pesti- chan. That's why the shower's out of commission."
Carnage nodded. "Sarcasm was generous enough to loan us one of her more competent bishies, in exchange for all of your Black Magic M-66 chocolates."
"My what?!" Pesti-chan exclaimed. "That was a present from my Mako-chan!"
"Now it's being used to lure bishies like half the Yami no Matsui cast into Sarcasm's lair," Demolition said. "Hey, it was either that, or we do another sell-out fic just to pay for the plumbing fees."
Pesti-chan was still staring forlornly at the fridge. "M- Mako-chan's chocolates...."
"Aha! I found the problem!" Jim Hawkings said as he climbed out from the bathroom He hoisted up a soaked, lumpy and ragged- looking tuft of white goo. "This was clogging your bathtub's drainage system. I think it's a Lagumellow."
"Lagu-whaa?" Chaos asked, scratching his head.
Dark Mayhem groaned and rolled his eyes. "It's hybrid-Latin for: Mokona."
As if on cue, a bedraggled "Pupupuuuuuu...." came from the white goo.
All the fanboys made a face and stepped away from Jim. Even Rampage made a distasteful expression, as no amount of ketchup would wash down the horrific taste Mokona probably had now.
"Do I even want to know how Mokona ended up in there?" Chaos asked.
Jim shrugged. "I had to go through four Puchuu bears, a rather condensed Brain Powerd mech and Hideaki Anno before I came across Mokona here. You guys can use the bath now if you want. Though there's still a bit of marshmallowy filling sticking to the sides of the tub."
"Suddenly I understand why there are so many onsen scenes in Anime," Pesti-chan lamented, heading towards the front door. "If anyone needs me, I'll be at one of the public baths."
"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, dropping in through some perv- dimensional hole and landing on top of Pesti-chan's head. "Can Hentenno come too? For that matter, can the Hentenno come repeatedly? And the answer to both of those is-"
"FREAK!!!" the demonic forms of Carnage and Demolition shouted.
Havoc sweatdropped and shook his head. "No, that's not it. The answer is-"
Dark Mayhem: "Apparently going to be 'sploot'."
Carnage & Demolition: >( "MEGA BRAND!!!"
Pesti-chan shook his towel out as bits of Cream Lemon were left spraying across the apartment in the wake of Havoc's rather explosive exit. "Baaaaaaaaka. Now I definitely need a shower."
Yet just was he reached for the doorknob, the front door was flung open, sending Pesti-chan right into the wall. With much bravado, heralding trumpets and overly-dramatic dry ice, in stepped the Ecchi-chan, Lohengrope. Needless to say, the fanboys weren't quite expecting this. In fact, they were downright surprised.
Chaos: o.O;; "We weren't expecting this!"
Demolition: o.O;; "We're downright surprised!"
Dark Mayhem: [raising his hand] "Anyone else here sensing that the author's running out of good one-liners?"
"A-Ano...what are you doing here?" Chaos hesitantly asked.
Lohengrope made a sweeping gaze of the apartment. "The fans of our series who partook in the poll desire results. And besides, this is something of a...personal matter between myself and Hysteria's little fic about me: 'Galaxy Elf Quest'. You fanboys are nothing more than an obligatory introduction segment, where a lot of excess, random sight gags and puns get used up. This omake, however, has been be devoted to the outcome of the Lohengrope vs. Hysteria poll on the webpage."
He took up his clipboard and gazed down at the printout on it. "I must review the options first, though."
1. orbital bombardment of Hysteria's kawaii little bedroom-chan 2. send in a legion of Viking Puchuu bears to lay siege to her bedroom-chan 3. Strap her to the hood of the Akiocar 4. Let Gema (Digi Charat) possess her 5. explain to her the actual symbolism behind the Utena movie & watch her head explode 6. get her addicted to shoujo-ai dating sim games meant for lifeless fanboys who never get a date in reality
"And the winners by a longshot appear to be numbers One and Five. It's such a close running between a flat-out orbital bombardment, and destroying her mind with the Adolescence of Utena," Lohengrope mused to himself. "A difference of only a few votes, yet they were both the most highly-rated smites."
He shrugged. "Who am I to disappoint either group?"
With that, he strolled down the hall to Hysteria's room, which was easy to identify since one of the fanboys had taped a sign onto the door which read: "WARNING: do not go in here unless you really really mean it!!' A bemused smirk on his face, Lohengrope shook his head and knocked on the door. Inside there came the sound of a surprised "Oro-chan?", followed by lots of scuffling and running around.
Evidently Hysteria had yet to grasp the concept of visitors whom she didn't have to drag by the legs into her room. But soon enough the door was flung open, and a somewhat dishevelled Hysteria dressed in Terrestrial Defense Force Mao-chan pyjamas, her hair up in kawaii little curler-chans, appeared.
She yawned, displaying a peculiar set of fangs (not to mention a uvula with a smiley face on it), and then looked up at her guest. Hysteria's face broke into an enormous grin upon seeing Lohengrope. "Wah! Ecchi-chan!" she squeaked happily. "Ohayo! It's such a kawaii little morning-chan, ne? Ne? Ne? Even though Hysteria would rather have a kawaii little nap-chan through the mornings, she still finds them oh so kawaii, especially when she can open her kawaii little door-chan and see such a kawaii little Lohengrope- chan- "
Lohengrope's eyebrow twitched ever so slightly at the concept of him being 'cute'.
"-wanting to have a kawaii little visit-chan with her!"
Hysteria wasted no time in grappling onto Lohengrope's wrist and flinging him into her room, where he managed to land gracefully upon the foot of her bed. Squeaking and bouncing about, Hysteria asked, "Ooooh, Lohengrope-chan must be here because he liked Hysteria's kawaii little fic-chan, which she wrote just for him!"
"I did quite enjoy it," he agreed dryly. "And to thank you so very much for such a...unique piece of fanfiction, I wish to return the favour."
Hysteria's eyed widened in genki delight. "Really? Wai wai wai wai wai wai wa-how many 'wai''s did Hysteria just say?"
Lohengrope blinked a few times before answering, "Six and a half."
"Waaah! Hysteria's off by three wai's!" She immediately pulled out some pompoms and began to dance on her bed. "Wai wai wai! There we go! Hysteria's all done with her kawaii little cheer- chan!"
"Suddenly the padlock on the outside of your door makes perfect sense," Lohengrope remarked to himself. "Now then, Hysteria, I am going to do you a very big favour, and do my best to use words with small syllables."
Hysteria : ^^v "Wai! Syllable-chans!"
Lohengrope : -- ;; "And here I thought Yang Wen-Li was a pain in the butt."
"So what does Lohengrope-chan want to tell Hysteria?" Hysteria asked as she pulled out her tea party table and began to spread a kawaii Dragon Pink-coloured tablecoth over it.
Lohengrope warily eyed Nakago, Nehelenia and Tora as the three dejected Anime characters were led out from Hysteria's closet by their neck-chains and placed in their designated chair-chans. "Well, I know for a fact that you, like many other otaku out there, were left very confused by the Utena movie. So I've decided to explain the significance and symbolism of the movie to you."
Hysteria giggled as she pulled out a dress adorned with frills, bows and long laces whose colours were definitely found nowhere in the natural world. "Wai! Hysteria's been wanting to wear this dress for the longest kawaii little time-chan!"
Lohengrope had to suffer in silence as she placed a flathead panda cap on his head and invited him to sit down. "Now then," he began. "Let's first establish what we do know from watching the movie."
Hysteria grinned and stated, "Director Kunihiko Ikuhara didn't know what the hell he was doing!"
Lohengrope paused for a moment. "Other than that," he said finally, sipping his tea. "First, we know that Touga is dead in this movie, which does seem to indicate that the afterlife managed to take most of the pouf out of him that was present in the TV series, but I am digressing."
Hysteria giggled. "Hysteria always digresses after she eats so many kawaii little cookie-chans after one of her kawaii little tea party-chans!"
"Digress, not digest," Lohengrope sighed, shaking his head. "Back to Touga, though. We know that he was sexually abused as a child by his foster father. And when the movie begins we learn he's dead, because he saved a girl from drowning many years ago. Utena, who had just broken up with him and was but a child herself, had to watch helplessly as Touga rescued the girl, as any fairytale Prince would, yet Touga himself drowned in saving the girl. This horror at feeling so inadequate was what gave birth to Utena's desire to become a prince herself. She refused to become a damsel in distress, but at the same time she closed off all her feelings and emotions to the rest of the world.
"Yet Touga's memory still haunts her, and we see that throughout the movie as she appears to talk with Touaga's ghost as if he were still alive. I'm willing to bet that when her parents died, she met Touga there at the funeral; he became her surrogate older brother and prince, which is why she felt so shattered when he, the prince, died. In fact, it's very possible she regressed most of the memory surrounding Touga's death, and only remembers everything towards the end."
"The Mikage seminar-chan?" Hysteria said.
Lohengrope nodded his head. "Hai. The Mikage Seminar, in both the movie and the TV series, has the characters examine themselves, and delve into the human darkness they either fear, deny or repress. In the movie, it's a time of revelation as Utena realizes why she's wanted to become a prince, and where she also discovers that in order to find true love and meaning with Anthy, she has to let her memory of Touga go. Not to forget him entirely, but she has to set aside the childish notion that being a 'prince' means you're not allowed to have feelings or be vulnerable.
"As for Anthy, she has to contend with her own dark past and her incestuous brother. The 'magic' that we see Akio speak of can only be love-he found himself 'bewitched' by his sister, and he wound up drugging and sleeping with her. And then he found out she knew about it and in fact wanted him to continue. Freaking out, Akio killed himself and Anthy hid his body in the rose garden, pretending he was still alive but always out on business, in order to appease the 'mob' of reporters, faculty and chairpersons wondering where he was."
He sampled for himself a bit of cake, then decided to refrain from not only the high saccharine levels but also from the stuffed Kero-chan plushie that Hysteria had accidentally baked into the cake.
"We also have Shiori, who's a rather different character," he said. "They've taken some aspects from the TV series Shiori, like her somewhat convoluted relationship with Juri, and bestowed her with a lot of new personality quirks. Here, we see that she was jealous of Utena. Details are sketchy here, admittedly, but some believe that Shiori was the girl in the boat, the one Touga died in rescuing. Or else she was another classmate who was jealous that Utena and Touga were going out.
"My personal theory is that she was indeed a classmate, and was insanely jealous of Utena being the one that Touga was going out with. She decided to stage her own near-drowning on the pond, just so Touga could rescue her, and she would somehow become the princess he cared for. However, that went horribly wrong when Touga drowned. Refusing to admit she was responsible, Shiori blamed Utena for letting Touga drown, and goes after her with renewed vengeance when Utena transfers to Ohotori Academy. This vengeance manifests in the way she sees the romance growing between Anthy and Utena, and sets out to sabotage it in any way she can.
"We also can see how her immaturity has destroyed not only Touga, but is also breaking down Juri, who has fallen in love with Shiori. Caring nothing for Juri, movie-Shiori uses Juri to go after Utena in a different way."
Hysteria scratched her head. "But why the kawaii little ring- chans, then? If this is all about kawaii little relationship-chans, then why the kawaii rose signet-chans?"
"You could say it's an element that was brought over from the TV series," Lohengrope said. "The rose signets have that fantastic, romantic fairytale element, which still shows how many of the characters, despite being in adolescence, have yet to truly grow up. Some otaku argue that, at least for the movie, the rings indicate which people have the strength and talent to rise above the masses and made a name for themselves in the real world. Notice how all the major ring-bearers have such incredible skills: fencing savant Juri; child prodigy Miki; bold and driven Utena; the charismatic and strong, but volatile Saionji.
"Even Touga had a ring. This may be because he really did have a skill or power to potentially revolutionize the world when he grew up, or because Utena recognized those traits in him even when they were young."
Lohengrope leaned back in his chair, oddly enjoying himself as he waxed philosophic, which was certainly a great deal better than waxing his legs. "It's all about the coming of age for Utena," he explained. "as she discovers not only her own independence as a woman, but as a lesbian as well. That's one of the reasons why there is so much opposition to her and Anthy, since that sort of relationship is still considered somewhat taboo.
"As it is, some people argue that the signet rings, or 'the mark of the rose' as Touga calls them, are the sign of a duelist, who are exclusively allowed to battle for the rose bride. This represents some sort of relationship, where people are trying to curry Anthy's favour since she is the Headmaster's sister. They want the power or authority she can give them, yet none of them love her, and that's why she becomes so attached to Utena."
Hysteria was still scratching her hair. "Hysteria doesn't get it."
"Oh, it's just that whole existentialist thing," Lohengrope replied as he sipped his tea. "The scrolling blackboards symbolise the daily tedium of high school classes, which usually pass by in a blur of homework and lectures for many students."
"Not for our kawaii little class-chan," Hysteria interjected. "Carnage-poppa exploded our very un-kawaii cockroach teacher- thingy."
Lohengrope opened his mouth to say something, then discovered he really didn't have anything to say to that. So he just carried on. "The concepts of playing prince, magic castles, duels in chivalric form-they're all childish things. There is no real prince in the adult world, and these childish games are just there to fill the void and occupy the mind. In order to make a change, one has to brave the real world, and that is where the revolution begins. It's what happens when those teenagers who have the power to rise above their problems and become strong, confident adults break free of their insecurities. For many teens, growing up to be responsible adults is nothing short of a miracle.
"Now then, any questions?"
Hysteria stuck her hand up high into the air and waved it around. "Hai! What about the carwash-chan? Chaos-momma says that scene never made any sense."
"The carwash? Oh, that's so simple, I'm surprise very few otaku have been able to get it," Lohengrope said. "What is considered one of the major steps for a teenager to become more independent?"
After a few moments of pondering, Hysteria replied, "They get to wear kawaii little lipstick-chans that turns them into kawaii little magical girl-chans?"
Lohengrope scowled and refrained from fragging her right there on the spot. "No, they do not use lipstick-chans that turns them into kawaii little magical girl-chans. They get their driver's license. You see, that's the significance of the carwash, where Utena becomes the car. The car is symbolic of that first transitional step from adolescence to adulthood. Up until now, she's been the one who has grown and matured, and at the end of the movie it's Anthy's turn to mature.
"The Utenamobile and ensuing road race is symbolic of that final stretch right at graduation. Everyone is racing to find some finish at the end of high school. It's a whole new world, one where they won't be treated as kids anymore, one where they won't do the same pointless, childish duels and gossiping anymore. The ones with the power to succeed and break free of the things that hold them back are the ones who will discover that they are now in full control of their lives. Graduation is the revolution, which ushers in a new world-they real world that comes after high school.
"But the real world can be frightening, as you see at the end. It's uncharted and suddenly your friends and family are no longer supporting you as you once did. It's a world without roads yet with great risks. You have to build a new road for yourself; you had to work on your own now. Not everyone can make it. Especially for Anthy and Utena, they're looking to break free of their pasts, an become an independent couple.
"At the end, where Anthy is so close to discovering herself, her memories of Akio return. Certainly, it would be safer to go back to being who she was, to return to what she knows is comforting, even if it will in due time break her down and make her miserable.
"But Hysteria's still confused!" Hysteria piped up.
"She's not the only one," Nakago muttered aside to Tora.
Chibi-Nehelenia was sniffling and banging her forehead against the table. "Whatever I did wrong in SuperS, I'm sorry! I've learned my lesson! I'll be a good little girl from now on, I promise! Just put me out of my misery!"
Still trying to puzzle over what Lohengrope had said, Hysteria asked, "What about those kawaii little Shadow Girl-chans?"
Lohengrope waved that aside. "The Shadow Players are nothing more than creatively-made narrators, who help advance certain points in the story. They take care of some of the plot exposition. I would liken it to the narration you hear on the Wonder Years, where the older version of the hero is discussing what he was thinking or feeling at any given moment in the episode. This also neatly coincides with the fact that at the end of the Utena movie, we discover that the two primary Shadow Girls, E-ko and F-ko, were in fact Utena and Anthy."
"And those kawaii little picture-chans that keep popping up?"
Lohengrope shrugged. "All the pictures are foreshadowing events that we see later on in the movie. Simple as that."
"What about the strange little video-chan?" Hysteria asked.
That made Lohengrope laugh. "Technically speaking," he said. "It's nothing more than eye candy for those fans who watched the TV series. Nanami, Touga's little sister, never appears elsewhere in the movie. Here in the video, we see her in a cameo as the Nanami- cow. In one TV episode, she mistakes a luxury cowbell for a necklace, wears it and winds up turning into a bovine.
"We also get to see ChuChu in this videotape scene, who in the TV series was Anthy's annoying and freakish little monkey-thing for a pet. As this video demonstrates, ChuChu was pretty useless in the TV series.
"Plus, we also see those strange elephants who catapult the Nanami-cow across the pond. This is another cameo from the TV series. The elephants represent two things: first, the faces on them and the sounds they make are identical to the three underlings and sycophants who follow Nanami around. Yet the elephants themselves are from an episode where Nanami had to travel to India to find a 1000x Super-Spice curry power. And for some inexplicable reason, these phantom elephants kept on appearing and chasing her.
"And then we also get to see that peculiar sketch Shiori made on Touga's back: the crocodile with the phallic beak. If you recall, at the very start of the movie, the Shadow Girls remark during their lunch broadcast, 'If you scribble some mischief on your boyfriend's back, make sure he doesn't have swimming lessons the next day.' The crocodile Shiori drew is just a running joke through the movie, possibly a variation of that frog who inevitably becomes ChuChu's nemesis later on in the TV series."
Hysteria stuck up her arm again and waved it around furiously.
"Yes, I believe we have a question in the front," Lohengrope dryly remarked, pointing to her.
"And the kawaii little lesbian luge-chan at the end?" Hysteria asked. "Where Utena-chan and Anthy-chan are nekkid on the kawaii little chassis-chan of the car?"
An evil spark flickered in Lohengrope's eyes, as if he'd been waiting for that exact question ever since stepping foot into Hysteria's room. "If you asked most people," he told her. "they would just call that entire scene eye candy; a reward for those who survived the movie thus far. But that is actually to hide the truth behind the lesbian luge."
"And what is it?"
"Are you absolutely certain you want to know?" Lohengrope asked.
Frightened but determined, Hysteria nodded. "H-Hai!"
"All right then, though the horrifying secret has driven far more intelligent otaku mad," Lohengrope said. "The true meaning behind that lesbian luge is...."
He leaned closer to Hysteria's ear and began to whisper.
Ten seconds later, Hysteria's eyes bugged out.
Twenty seconds later, she let out a terrified squeak-chan.
At thirty seconds, she lapsed into a catatonic state, the truth too great a burden for her kawaii little mind-chan to bear.
Lohengrope waved a hand in front of Hysteria's face, but in her horrified, catatonic state, she made no reactions whatsoever. All she did was just stare blankly at the wall-chan in front of them.
A thin smile appeared on Lohengrope's face.
"My work here is done," he said, rising to his feet.
"Wait!" chibi-Nehelenia exclaimed, jumping up in her chair as Lohengrope tried to leave. "What about us?"
Lohengrope glanced back over his shoulder at chibi-Nehelenia, Nakago and Tora. "What about you?"
"You...you wouldn't leave us here to such a horrible fate, would you?" chibi-Nehelenia sniffled.
One of Lohengrope's eyebrows went up. "If you're referring to the orbital bombardment, I doubt you'd survive long enough to realize you were being de-atomized."
Tora let out a rueful laugh. "Ha! Hardly."
"We're more worried if we survive along with Hysteria, and have to go through another one of these damned tea parties," Nakago agreed.
Lohengrope turned around. "What are you three saying, then?"
Chibi-Nehelenia held out her arms. "Take us with you! We'd rather be in your employ than in her uber-kawaii clutches!"
Some consideration was give to their request. "You do realise," Lohengrope stated. "that if you were to work for me, you would have to give up this goody-goody nonsense, and be pure, diabolical evil. Can any of you three handle that?"
Tora, Nakago & chibi-Nehelenia: ^-^ "Can we?!"
With a shrug of his shoulders, Lohengrope capriciously decided that they should at least have a trial run of being his underlings. He wasted no time in breaking their chains and releasing them from their leg and wrist irons.
"Come along then," he told then as he opened Hysteria's bedroom door. "There is much fiendishly ecchi work to be done before the day is gone."
"Hai!" the three chimed happily, following after him.
As Lohengrope walked out of Hysteria's bedroom, he activated his communicator and contacted his Galactic Fleet orbiting the planet. "Mitterymeyer, Von Ruenthal: you may commence firing at your leisure."
Disclaimer: the utter bull mentioned by Lohengrope in this omake does not necessarily reflect the actual views of the Ecchi-chan, the Fanboys and the author involved. This was all a matter of personal opinion, and we will only openly & readily endorse it if we've fooled someone enough that they'll want to pay us to have this explanation placed on their Utena website.
Back to Fanfics